Adam returned from visiting his homeland a shell of himself.
Once a confident & competent IT professional, he was now drowning in mysterious flashbacks & intense dissociation.
It was so severe, he’d sit at home for hours staring at a dot on the wall — so persistent, years of therapy & over a dozen pharmaceuticals hardly made a dent.
Out of pure desperation, Adam tried MDMA therapy.
He believes it helped him break the spell of C-PTSD.
& get payback on the people who hurt him.
Chapters
(00:00) Intro.
(02:22) The nervous breakdown.
(07:34) The flashbacks.
(10:13) What Adam tried.
(12:02) MDMA session 1.
(13:46) “Good old revenge.”
(17:00) The aftermath.
(17:56) MDMA session 2.
(23:39) Standing on his own.
Notes
Direct Adam quote about MDMA therapy: “In a way that talk therapy just… couldn't reach.” “Didn’t” was dropped before “couldn’t” as redundant.
Theme song: Secret Wilderness’ theme song is “Winter Solstice” by Löwenzahnhonig. Released by Inselgruppe, published by A Tree in a Field.
Other music: We used the tracks “Andromeda” & “Bar Performance 1: Solo Piano” by Sascha Ende. This music is free for commercial use under the CC BY 4.0 license.
John & his wife were destroyed.
After 9 months of reading the right books & eating the right foods & taking the right classes… after getting all green lights from doctors, Ocean, their son, died in childbirth.
It didn’t make any sense to John.
How could this happen to him?
Why did this happen to him?
Why him?
This is the question he explores on a massive dose of psychedelics.
Chapters
(00:00) Intro.
(03:36) Why ?
(04:22) Can psychedelics help?
(05:16) 85 mg of 4-AcO DMT.
(07:56) The answer.
(13:23) Being another person.
(16:30) 10 mg of penis envy.
(17:54) Am I weak?
(19:36) John stands up for himself.
(22:27) Leaving everything.
(25:31) The giant trip.
Secret Wilderness' theme song is “Winter Solstice” by Löwenzahnhonig. Released by Inselgruppe, published by A Tree in a Field.
We used the tracks “Lost Place Atmospheres 001,” “The Backrooms Music Vol. 11,” & “First Steps On Mars” by Sascha Ende. This music is free for commercial use under the CC BY 4.0 license.
John met his wife in Hawaii, at the top of 45 tall stairs.
John was a UPS driver. She worked at one of his stops. & when he got in his truck he looked all the way up the stairs & saw her in the window, waving at him.
On their first date, John taught her to surf.
On their wedding day, it was just the two of them, a beach, and a justice of the peace.
A year later, they were pregnant. They were reading books, going to Lamaze classes, & debating if their baby was a boy or a girl.
John felt like they had everything.
Then they lost their child.
Part one is this story.
Part two is the story of how he tried to understand loss, including psychedelic therapy.
Lana was running for her life.
Just a few minutes ago, just taking a breather outside a bar, she had seen something she probably shouldn’t have.
A car pulled up.
A group of bikers approached it.
A conversation about “guns” and “prices” started.
& Lana didn’t want to be around for the end.
As the night air whipped past her head, her gears were in overdrive. Now it wasn’t just the shady characters at the bar she feared. Now it seemed everyone wanted to hurt her.
You see, Lana wasn’t in a normal state of mind.
The reason for the breather at the bar was because the LSD & weed were getting to her. Her mind was running long before she literally was. & once it started going, it felt impossible to stop.
While she did calm down that night, panic attacks & anxiety haunted Lana for years after.
At first, she blamed the LSD.
Later, she found another reason
Chapters
(00:00) Intro.
(02:57) Growing up out of place.
(05:33) First LSD experience.
(08:29) Going to Italy.
(11:33) The bad trip.
(21:33) Being a nurse during COVID.
(24:36) Ayahuasca: Finally facing her fear.
(28:48) Peyote: Finding the origin of anxiety.
If you’re experiencing difficulty after a psychedelic experience & are looking for help, consider contacting the Fireside Project. They provide free, confidential support. Go to https://firesideproject.org/ or call their free hotline at 623-473-7433.
Secret Wilderness' theme song is “Winter Solstice” by Löwenzahnhonig. Released by Inselgruppe, published by A Tree in a Field.
Lev’s family moved a lot. France, Japan, Malaysia — by high school, he had lived all over the world. But change has its downsides, & for Lev, it was a lack of safety. So, fear began to slowly creep into his life. It began with denial, reclusiveness, & obsession.
But when the fear threatened his relationship, he tried to face it with ayahuasca. Yet as the psychedelic began dissolving his sense of self, Lev didn’t let go.
He held on.
The experience was just too intense, & he couldn’t shake the sense that surrendering was a bad idea.
But Lev says he did learn to let go later.
It just wasn’t with psychedelics.
Chapters
(00:00) Intro clip
(03:15) Pressing eject on ego death.
(13:57) At least one reason Lev craved safety.
(17:11) The crisis.
(21:23) Climbing out.
(26:29) Are psychedelics worth the risk?
Secret Wilderness' theme song is “Winter Solstice” by Löwenzahnhonig. Released by Inselgruppe, published by A Tree in a Field.
Jane grew up with an addicted, abusive, & absent mother. After finally running away to live with her dad, Jane believed she was free from her mom.
But actually, Jane slowly changed into her mom.
By the time she was 29, she was addicted to alcohol, Adderall, & cocaine & had the blood pressure of someone on the verge of a stroke.
But at 29, Jane was also ready to change.
This is the story of how she got out of addiction with old-fashioned determination, and how she’s trying to heal the wound under it with something new:
Psychedelic therapy.
Chapters
(00:00) Intro clip
(03:24) How Jane got clean.
(06:32) Why Jane started psychedelic therapy.
(09:43) The first session.
(15:35) The moment on the ride back.
(18:17) Ugly “lives in me.”
(20:22) The second session.
(29:32) The difficult session.
(44:21) Dissociation returns.
(47:11) Jane’s plan.
Secret Wilderness' theme song is “Winter Solstice” by Löwenzahnhonig. Released by Inselgruppe, published by A Tree in a Field.
Parents can hurt us like no one else.
The pain can go so deep we can’t imagine life without it.
It isn’t part of reality.
It is reality.
Can people heal this kind of pain?
That’s what we’ll explore over the next two episodes.
Jane loved her terrifying mother. When mom was home, she was a tornado of booze & abuse. When mom was gone, which was almost always, Jane would try to trick her into coming back.
This mixture of anger & neglect gave Jane a gaping wound.
One she’d try to fix for decades.
Part 1 is the story of how she used addiction to treat her pain.
Part 2 is the story of what she believes actually worked, including psychedelic therapy.
Chapters
(00:00) Intro clip
(02:15) Jane’s mother
(07:32) School was horrible.
(09:57) The two things that broke Jane.
(19:09) The last times.
(25:06) The baby.
(29:26) Hello, alcohol.
(33:51) Jane’s uncle, too.
(39:21) “Who the fuck is that?”
(44:39) Jane needs help.
What does it mean to say psychedelics are dangerous?
Science doesn’t show they’re physically harmful.
But psychologically dangerous?
That’s another story.
Welcome to Secret Wilderness. I’m your host, Alex Detmering.
As someone with ASD, Ravi always saw the world differently. It was, to quote him, “a feeling of kind of being further back in my consciousness.” This difference made him curious, so as a teenager he began experimenting with psychedelics to understand himself better.
Little did he know, he was about to enter a whole new different world.
Chapters
(00:00) Intro clip
(03:41) The police chase.
(06:43) Running for your life on LSD.
(18:25) In the abyss.
(20:09) How he came back from the abyss.
(26:21) Where he landed.
(28:12) Does he regret psychedelics?
If you could talk directly to your intuition, what would you ask?
For most of us, that’s purely hypothetical.
For Alexandra, it’s personal history.
Raised by loving parents in a stable household, Alexandra had no reason not to be happy. She was supposed to be fun-loving and carefree, so psychologically sound she’d chosen a career in therapy. So when the impulse to cut herself emerged one day, it was a mystery.
If everything was perfect, why the self-harm?
This was the beginning of a multi-year journey of self-discovery.
One where she’d meet a hidden self with psychedelic therapy.
Chapters
(00:00) Intro clip
(05:32) Mom’s history.
(09:42) Split-brained patient experiment.
(11:31) Magic truffles 1 & 2.
(20:46) Did connecting with yourself help you?
(25:47) The most powerful psychedelic experience of her life.
(38:36) What does the hidden self think now?
Today’s episode is special.
Today, we travel the depths of psychedelic therapy with three people.
In our first story, Susan feels betrayal to heal.
In the second, Rick fights to save his marriage.
& in the last, Kylie relives her abortion.
Chapters
(00:00) Intro clip
(02:27) Susan feels to heal.
(09:32) Rick fights to save his marriage.
(19:12) Kylie relives her abortion.
Full episodes:
Susan: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0fhn0qDuVXivaglaUWlMgx?si=T9OF9K09SIWn_P6mP-O5Iw
Rick: https://open.spotify.com/episode/11mE69NEzT0bIh9o4kVYuG?si=KOHJgOpZR6e0McB2LQQnOg
Kyle: https://open.spotify.com/episode/3xe8RRCWGZdc6vWvw6NnpI?si=5iiqt_6sT0yAYQNTd2s5zQ
From the time she was a little girl, Selina carried her mother’s pain.
Her mistakes.
Her regrets.
& most of all, her miserable marriage.
Selina traveled the world to escape their pain, only to find herself engaged at 23.
Could self-work, psychedelics, or a decade of seeking free her from the past?
Could her marriage break the curse of her parents’ misery?
Chapters
(00:00) Intro clip
(02:01) Best friends.
(04:17) Traveling the world.
(05:45) Meeting the mentor.
(06:55) The first plot twist.
(09:11) Journey with more pain than all journeys combined.
(12:47) The second plot twist.
(19:38) MDMA couples therapy.
(25:06) Post MDMA therapy.
(27:15) Being my mother.
(30:55) Does Selina trust?
Under energy and wit, Trip hid mountains of pain.
Because in his past lurked a “malevolent entity.” An evil that made him feel unlovable, helped destroy his relationships, & haunted him for decades.
The evil of his father.
But in Trip’s darkest hour, he discovered psychedelic therapy.
Miraculously, he felt himself heal.
Now, could he learn to love the person he was taught to hate?
Could he — love himself?
Chapters
(00:00) Intro clip
(03:12) Actively suicidal.
(06:27) Roommate interveines.
(08:37) The first MDMA session.
(11:53) The dream.
(13:20) His history with his father.
(19:40) Realizing he was a victim.
(21:10) The first group MDMA trip.
(23:24) The second group MDMA trip.
(29:52) When he confronted his father.
(30:31) How Trip is now.
When Eric was 10, he asked God to save him.
Not from hell. From life.
Because his father terrified him, his faith confused him, & there was pain inside he didn’t understand & wouldn’t go away.
So Eric spent nearly 30 years trying to fix himself.
Marriage, money, sex, drugs, spirituality, & psychedelic therapy…
Could anything take away his pain?
Chapters
(00:00) Intro clip
(02:32) Eric cries out to god.
(03:43) Church of spies.
(05:48) The incident with his father he wrote down.
(10:07) “Traces” of sexual abuse.
(12:05) Chronic depression since childhood.
(13:20) Eric gets married.
(18:35) Becoming a “sinner.”
(21:55) The OxyContin incident.
(25:25) The mushroom trip that changed things.
(31:38) A new church, a spiritual world.
(35:06) Peyote vs mushrooms.
(37:17) Ayahuasca.
(43:48) What has Eric learned?
Secret Wilderness' theme song is “Winter Solstice” by Löwenzahnhonig. Released by Inselgruppe, published by A Tree in a Field.
After 22 years together, Rick’s wife changed his life with five words:
“I don’t love you anymore.”
Rick was on a roller coaster, heading toward his unfinished past, their uncertain future, & one uncanny therapy:
Psychedelic drugs.
Chapters
(00:00) Intro clip
(02:32) The event that led to Rick using psychedelic therapy.
(02:44) How Rick met his wife.
(04:11) Growing up never fitting in.
(5:50) Rick’s will to win.
(07:31) Why Rick skipped speech class.
(07:39) Rick gets walked out of school.
(09:08) Where did the darkness come from?
(10:00) “Oh, you’re his son?”
(10:27) Rick in the Navy.
(11:28) Rick goes to college.
(11:51) One of the secrets Rick never told his wife.
(13:34) “Why couldn’t you have told me this a year ago?”
(14:17) Another blow.
(15:52) Rick’s career takes off.
(19:46) Sending their son to boarding school.
(22:59) Another secret he never told his wife.
(24:21) Rick goes to “Warrior Week.”
(27:27) Rick starts researching psychedelics.
(28:29) The first psychedelic session with his wife.
(36:43) “But don’t lose it.”
(38:51) “You know what you need to do.”
(40:57) The second psychedelic session.
(42:41) Rick’s life now.
In 2022, Susan discovered her husband’s history of infidelity.
The betrayal pulled the rug from under her life & uncovered hidden pain from yet another betrayal:
The sexual abuse she had suffered as a child at the hands of her grandfather.
Susan was overwhelmed — pushing her to attempt suicide.
But her husband intercepted her, & begged her to try psychedelic therapy. He felt it was helping him heal from the pain that drove his addictions, & he believed it could help her too.
Susan took her husband’s advice.
& started working with her husband’s psychedelic guide, Tim.
In her first sessions, Susan faced the pain of her tortured past for the first time, &, she believes, began to heal as well.
She continued her trauma work in the sessions that followed. They returned again & again to address specific traumatic events.
Most substances she found helpful. She used a combination of MDMA and psychedelic mushrooms — as well as Ketamine by itself — throughout her treatment.
But not all substances. Her experience with Iboga, source of the psychedelic Ibogain, left her frustrated.
Even so, she felt progress.
Over time, she peeled back the layers of betrayal & faced new questions:
Like, was there a reason this all happened to her?
Chapters
(00:00) Intro clip
(03:28) Susan recounts the boat memory.
(07:20) Susan recounts the hallway memory.
(09:25) Was this betrayal worse because you thought you were safe?
(11:07) Susan sees life from the perspectives of everyone who hurt her.
(17:07) Did your guide see things from an reincarnation perspective?
(17:36) Susan discovers her “soul contract.”
(20:03) Susan reads her “soul contract” session transcript.
(26:06) What was the experience of finding your soul contract like?
(31:25) What was the day-to-day work of getting better like?
(33:56) What’s your focus now?
(36:53) How were you able to make so much progress so fast?
Secret Wilderness' theme song is “Winter Solstice” by Löwenzahnhonig. Released by Inselgruppe, published by A Tree in a Field.
Susan had been betrayed from almost birth.
But she didn’t feel it until her fifties.
She didn’t feel it until her adult world was also turned upside down by betrayal. As the repressed pain burst to the surface, Susan struggled. She eventually turned to psychedelic therapy, with one question consuming her:
Could she heal years of betrayal?
Chapters
(00:00) Intro clip
(01:33) Notes on how we’re implementing fact-checking.
(03:30) Why did you start doing psychedelics for therapy?
(08:06) Could you see & trust your husband was changing while you were going through so much?
(10:21) Did you or your husband use traditional psychotherapy before psychedelics?
(12:56) The first psychedelic therapy session.
(14:50) Had you changed the abuse in your mind?
(21:59) Did the fact that your grandfather served jail time provide any relief?
(25:24) What happened in your life after psychedelics surfaced the trauma?
(26:55) How did ketamine help you?
(29:14) Did you ever regret doing psychedelic therapy?
(30:35) Could you give an example of how trauma had negatively impacted you in ways you were aware of before this therapy?
(33:03) Could you explain how trauma impacted how you saw the world?
(37:11) What was the next big psychedelic session?
(41:48) Susan experiences her grandfather as a child.
(45:43) Andy & Susan talk about experiencing sexual abuse as a child and the power of forgiveness.
Secret Wilderness' theme song is “Winter Solstice” by Löwenzahnhonig. Released by Inselgruppe, published by A Tree in a Field.
Kylie grew up in a deeply religious community. She felt her world was strictly prescribed from the beginning, limited to a certain set of beliefs, a certain group of people, and just one future:
Being a mother.
But this never sat right with Kylie. While these beliefs were part of her home, they never felt like home. So, despite being told who she was from before she was born, she never knew it, herself.
At 21, things started to change.
Her mother, seeing her confusion, told Kylie it might be a good idea for her to seek a new life in another state. Kylie immediately agreed and left her family, as well as her faith, behind her.
What she didn’t leave behind, however, was a secret.
You see, before Kylie left, she had gotten pregnant. And, in a moment that remains a mystery to her even to this day, she decided not to keep it.
Because of how her community felt about abortion, Kylie only had herself during this time. She figured out the logistics alone, went to the clinic alone, and drove back alone. And for years, aside from the man she had been involved with, she bore the weight of the secret alone, too.
Now out on her own, Kylie started to discover herself. Rather than taking a corporate job, Kylie became a dance instructor. Instead of awkward, she realized she could move well. Instead of hiding her body under modest clothing, in her dancewear, she saw she could be beautiful.
The people around her were a discovery, too. They embraced life, expression, and sexuality in a way she had never seen before. To her, it was the kind of love and acceptance she had always hoped but struggled to find in her home community.
Kylie would continue to make big changes over the next several years. She moved from coast to coast twice, changing jobs and partners along the way.
But despite all her experiences, she still didn’t feel satisfied.
So, about ten years after her pregnancy, alone in her bedroom, Kylie started MDMA therapy.
She could feel the power as the drug came on. That power would carry her through an experience with what she describes as the “greater spirit,” a moment-by-moment reliving of her abortion, and living through an entire alternative life:
One where she was married, had kids, lived fully, and died understanding what that path could bring her.
To hear Kylie’s full account of that experience, listen to the previous episode:
Who am I?
These solo journeys felt very instructive to Kylie. To her, they were a reminder that her life was part of the great life, that her story was a thread of the universe’s story. She felt she now understood how God could make sense. She realized the only person who could know her the way she wished to be known was her, and her alone.
Kylie continued to do solo sessions.
One in particular — which combined MDMA and psilocybin — quite literally brought her to her knees.
Chapters:
(00:00) Intro clip.
(02:08) Kylie’s story.
(05:45) Kylie’s MDMA + Psilosybn experience.
(07:29) Kylie dances “with the universe.”
(10:54) Kylie on the themes in her experiences.
(12:46) Kylie starts telling the story of her first community MDMA experience.
(13:48) PSA dosage references in episode.
(15:16) The night Kylie did MDMA with “100,000” people.
(21:20) How Kylie finds answers inside her.
(25:30) How Kylie thinks of her identity now.
(26:47) How Kylie uses her perspective in difficult situations.
(28:54) What is the difference between your outlook and spiritual bypassing?
(33:09) Where do you see yourself in 30 years?
Secret Wilderness' theme song is “Winter Solstice” by Löwenzahnhonig. Released by Inselgruppe, published by A Tree in a Field.
From before she could remember, Kylie was told exactly who she was & should be. The only problem:
It never felt like the truth to her.
So Kylie decided to find herself, herself.
Carrying a painful secret, she left her home and her faith on a journey to answer one question:
Who am I?
A question she’d confront head-on during MDMA therapy.
Chapters
(00:00) Intro clip
(02:42) What was it like growing up for you?
(05:45) What’s an example of you being taught something that caused you resentment?
(11:22) How did you make the decision to break out on your own?
(15:06) What was making decisions like out on your own?
(20:00) What was your first MDMA experience like?
(23:09) How the Tao Te Ching helped Kylie.
(25:09) Kylie’s experience with psychedelics before MDMA.
(26:28) MDMA comes on.
(27:21) “Spiritual” experience with MDMA begins.
(30:07) The feeling she’d “always craved.”
(36:38) What did you bring up? Kylie’s abortion story.
(38:50) What perspective did MDMA give you on your abortion?
(41:38) What did you feel when you relived your abortion?
(42:43) Kylie’s liminal experience: the voice of her child.
(51:00) What did you think of yourself before and after the MDMA experience?
(54:01) How did all this feel coming up?
(54:35) How did you tell yourself the story of the abortion?
(57:54) Kylie lives another life (and dies).
Secret Wilderness' theme song is “Winter Solstice” by Löwenzahnhonig. Released by Inselgruppe, published by A Tree in a Field.
After his relationship with Emily ended, John moved to a new city & dove headfirst into Ayahuasca.
With the help of Liam, a modern shaman, John faced ego death, repressed anger, & a troubling question:
What was the nature of his godfather’s love for him growing up?
Chapters
(00:00) Intro clip
(02:54) What happened after your relationship with Emily ended?
(07:15) How did you come into your power?
(08:57) Can you take us through your ayahuasca experiences in as much detail as you can?
(14:20) Your relationship with ayahuasca sounds similar to your relationship with the powerful women in your life. Are there parallels there for you?
(18:25) John looks for evidence of abuse at the hands of his godfather.
(21:32) What it feels like to answer a difficult question on ayahuasca.
(23:17) What could happen if you don’t resolve questions,
(24:58) How John approaches the fear of difficult questions.
(26:33) What do you mean, “It’s never fully over?”
(29:13) Facing repressed anger.
(39:57) Why John thinks being experienced with psychedelics doesn’t mean wisdom.
(42:35) Why John has more anxiety with psychedelics now than when he started.
(45:46) How has this fear impacted your use of psychedelics?
Secret Wilderness' theme song is “Winter Solstice” by Löwenzahnhonig. Released by Inselgruppe, published by A Tree in a Field.
In college, John was fascinated by the fringes of human experience.
It was at the fringes where he learned about psychedelic therapy. It was also there, during his first MDMA experience, where he fell in love with Emily.
But that love didn’t last. And in the wake of disappointment, John couldn’t help but wonder:
Was the love real… or only a high?
(00:00) Intro clip
(03:12) When did you start using psychedelics therapeutically?
(08:38) How did learning about schizophrenia play a role in your belief in empathy as the key to ending human suffering?
(13:28) Were you drawn to psychedelic therapy because you are drawn to extremes?
(18:12) What was the exact focus of your research?
(20:40) Were you worried your first psychedelic experience could cause you to develop schizophrenia?
(23:29) Can you describe your first psychedelic experience in detail?
(31:51) Emily and John begin their relationship.
(33:11) Did Emily have experiences with psychedelics?
(34:44) What was your relationship experience before Emily?
(37:37) Could you separate your relationship with Emily from your first psychedelic experience?
(38:32) What was specifically unhealthy about your relationship with Emily?
(40:23) What ways were you powerless in the relationship?
(46:15) Why did Emily ask you to redo the proposal? Did you do psychedelics after MDMA at this point?
(49:52) When the relationship fell apart, did it make you question the reality of the MDMA experience where you fell in love with Emily? What do you believe now?