Kylie grew up in a deeply religious community. She felt her world was strictly prescribed from the beginning, limited to a certain set of beliefs, a certain group of people, and just one future:

Being a mother. 

But this never sat right with Kylie. While these beliefs were part of her home, they never felt like home. So, despite being told who she was from before she was born, she never knew it, herself. 

At 21, things started to change. 

Her mother, seeing her confusion, told Kylie it might be a good idea for her to seek a new life in another state. Kylie immediately agreed and left her family, as well as her faith, behind her.

What she didn’t leave behind, however, was a secret. 

You see, before Kylie left, she had gotten pregnant. And, in a moment that remains a mystery to her even to this day, she decided not to keep it. 

Because of how her community felt about abortion, Kylie only had herself during this time. She figured out the logistics alone, went to the clinic alone, and drove back alone. And for years, aside from the man she had been involved with, she bore the weight of the secret alone, too. 

Now out on her own, Kylie started to discover herself. Rather than taking a corporate job, Kylie became a dance instructor. Instead of awkward, she realized she could move well. Instead of hiding her body under modest clothing, in her dancewear, she saw she could be beautiful. 

The people around her were a discovery, too. They embraced life, expression, and sexuality in a way she had never seen before. To her, it was the kind of love and acceptance she had always hoped but struggled to find in her home community.  

Kylie would continue to make big changes over the next several years. She moved from coast to coast twice, changing jobs and partners along the way. 

But despite all her experiences, she still didn’t feel satisfied. 

So, about ten years after her pregnancy, alone in her bedroom, Kylie started MDMA therapy. 

She could feel the power as the drug came on. That power would carry her through an experience with what she describes as the “greater spirit,” a moment-by-moment reliving of her abortion, and living through an entire alternative life: 

One where she was married, had kids, lived fully, and died understanding what that path could bring her. 

To hear Kylie’s full account of that experience, listen to the previous episode: 

Who am I? 

These solo journeys felt very instructive to Kylie. To her, they were a reminder that her life was part of the great life, that her story was a thread of the universe’s story. She felt she now understood how God could make sense. She realized the only person who could know her the way she wished to be known was her, and her alone. 

Kylie continued to do solo sessions. 

One in particular — which combined MDMA and psilocybin — quite literally brought her to her knees.

Chapters:

(00:00) Intro clip.

(02:08) Kylie’s story.

(05:45) Kylie’s MDMA + Psilosybn experience.

(07:29) Kylie dances “with the universe.”

(10:54) Kylie on the themes in her experiences.

(12:46) Kylie starts telling the story of her first community MDMA experience.

(13:48) PSA dosage references in episode.

(15:16) The night Kylie did MDMA with “100,000” people.

(21:20) How Kylie finds answers inside her.

(25:30) How Kylie thinks of her identity now.

(26:47) How Kylie uses her perspective in difficult situations.

(28:54) What is the difference between your outlook and spiritual bypassing?

(33:09) Where do you see yourself in 30 years?

Secret Wilderness' theme song is “Winter Solstice” by Löwenzahnhonig. Released by Inselgruppe, published by A Tree in a Field.