Ever heard of Erick Hallett? Arthur Maulet? Tyrus fucking Wheat? Neither have we. Neither has anyone!

And yet these unheralded, 5th, 6th, and 7th string guys stepped up and balled out, anchoring a Roar defense that held the Phuckaneers to a measly 9 points. Never mind that the Phucks were missing most of their offensive playmakers. Don't matter! Our D roared out and shut their assess down.

Meanwhile, Sonic hit the sonic button and Gibbsploded all over the field, tearing up the Phucks legit D.

Just as impressively, Lomas and Deano step up and roar out the pod absent Uncle Brother, who abandoned his country and, more importantly, the Lions to spend time with his daughter in fucking Europe. The Netherlands, specifically, which may not be an actual country, and definitely doesn't have an NFL team or any plans to host an NFL game. Pathetic.

We also discuss:

--Whether black guys can have mullets, and if so, how?

--Assembling the world's greatest producers and recording engineers and booking out the world's greatest studios to for once properly record a harmonized roar. Zoom just ain't getting it done.

--What the hell we're gonna do during the Lions bye week ...

--A bunch of other nonsense I can't remember.

Until next time, Godspeed, Uncle Brother. And keep roaring, Roar Nation!

No roaring today, friends. For we have been laid low by a resurgent Queefs squad, whose demise was exaggerated.

Mahomes was Mahomes. Bro can play QB. Our fucked up secondary, featuring guys we have never seen before, had no chance.

The Roar offense got off to a strong start but then bogged down.

Sun God dropped a pass! I repeat, Sun God dropped a pass. We couldn't believe it. HE couldn't believe it! It was that kinda game.

Worst of all Lomastradamus's streak came to an end.

And so we resort to one of our favorite pasttimes: inserting the word "roar" into as many Simon and Roarfunkle (and solo Simon) songs as possible. We do this for a while and thoroughly enjoy it.

At least next week we're not going up against a top QB ... Oh, wait. Fuck. We're playing the Phukaneers and Baker Fuckfield, who's been on a hot streak.

Roar?

This delightful episode begins with Uncle Brother and Deano mercilessly ripping into Lomas for being 30 minutes late to start the recording. Never mind that Lomas was on a call with a very important client! Never you mind what about. Lomas has a business to run!

Anyhow, once we get past that nonsense, we celebrate the taking of Ohio! Between the Tigers vanquishing the Guardians (lame-ass name) and the Lions demolishing the Brown Stains and the Bungles/Bungholes, Ohio is now basically a post-apocalyptic territory, it's major sports teams having been laid low, its people subjugated.

We marvel at how bad the Bungles current QB is and at how it wasn't long ago that the BDC (before D.C.) Lions would have made Jake Browning look like Joe Montana. That shit used to happen on the regular. Now, we mercilessly beat the shit out of weak teams and make 3rd string QBs regret many of their life choices.

We look ahead to a road war against the Queefs next Sunday night. Lomas predicts Roar 29 - Queefs 23. And so it shall be.

Until then, keep roaring!

The most interesting thing about this mostly pedestrian win was Lomas once again predicting almost the exact score!

The Browns D is as good as advertised, and Myles Garett is a beast. But no matter. The Lions did what they had to do to move the ball and shut down the Brown's offense without too much trouble.

And so we meander through this episode. Not too much to say. Good to see Hutch rounding into form. Jared once again played mistake-free ball and got the job done. Sun God is Sun God.

And so it's on to Cinci next week, where the Roar continue their march through Ohio, leaving devastation in their wake. We're confident the Lions will humiliate the BungHoles, who are without Joe Burrow and so without hope.

Let's keep roaring!

Due to Rosh Hashanah (the least partying New Year of all New Years), we're a bit late to the game with this episode ...

But holy roaring! What an incredible victory!

Most of this episode is a blur, but we (of course) revel in the Roar's glorious road win against a really good Cravens team. What we beheld (even Deano, who got a special dispensation from Hashem to watch the game) was roarection-inducing to the nth degree. Dominant O-line play. Sonic and Knuckles galloping through gaping holes. Jared and Sun God making incredible shit look easy. A 7-sack sack-a-thon against one of the most evasive QBs of all time.

The list goes on. And on. And we keep roaring!

We look ahead to the Browns (no childish nickname needed), whose fearsome defense is real, but whatevs. We shall destroy them!

After the Roar gets truly weird, where we imagine what football would look like if animals were allowed to play. A silverback gorilla at middle linebacker ... Why not? Let's make this happen.

Keep roaring, Roar Nation!

The Roar has been restored!

All it took was a 50+ ass whipping of the hapless Care Bears, who are in serious trouble if yet another QB ends up sucking you know what. Donkey balls. Just in case you didn't know.

Deano regales us with delightful anecdotes and portraits from Ford Field, where he, World Wide Dock, and Big Don roared through the game in person.

It was delightful indeed to see the offense roar once again. Jared was lights out and not slept on. Jamo outran the world and hauled in tow massive bombs. A Gibbsplosion was witnessed. The People Mover moved people. Sun God pridefully hauled in tres tuddies.

We celebrate the Roar's first sack-a-thon, including Hutch getting on the board.

Let's all roar at John Morton, who called a great game and most assuredly relished putting up a 50+ spot against the man he replaced. Speaking of whom, we like to think that maybe BJ is just a little bit regretting leaving the Roar for the Care Bears. It's a lot harder to look like an offensive genius when your QB's got a mouth full of donkey balls.

Anyroar ... Next week we roar against the Cravens, whose offense is potent enough to dull our collective roarection. Lomas insanely picks the Roar to win ... and so they shall! ROAR!!!

In this shockingly short episode (less than an hour!) we grudgingly attempt to suss out what the fuck happened in Green Bay.

We open with a much needed return to the Serenity Prayer, followed by a sad, depressing, hapless and hopeless breakdown of the debacle that was the Roar's season opener.

The all-important o-line is a work in progress, to say the least. Sonic set a record by catching 10 passes for only 31 yards. Jared took what the Peckler's D gave him, which wasn't much. Hutch was double teamed and didn't do much. The offensive play calling felt bland and uninspired.

Good thing Week 1 doesn't mean anything, right? Right?

So fear not, fellow roaraholics. We got you. The Roar are at home next week against the Care Bears and their shiny new HC, Ben Johnson. We love BJ, but we hope after next Sunday he's seriously questioning his recent career choices.

Keep on Roaring!

Welcome to the 7th (!) season of The Roargasm!

In this pre-season episode we go completely off the rails.

Lomas gives Deano and Uncle Brother permission to kill him if, in old age, he shows signs of dementia. Which gives rise to a discussion of ways to commit suicide appropriate for roaraholics.

We work through Uncle Brother's annual pre-season speed round, discussing everything from the Roar's projected record to whether we'll finally celebrate a Bowl victory (yes!) to whether Hutch will dominate (double yes!) and a bunch of other stuff.

We end with the first roar of the season, followed by an aimless After-the Roar, featuring appearences by our alter-alter egos, the old NY Jewish ladies.

This is it, fellow roaraholics! This is our time! Let's ROAR!

As you might notice, I couldn't bring myself to include the score in this episode's title. If you're reading this, you know what happened. No need to agitate the wound.

We open the final episode of a once-glorious season with "The Wreck of Ford Field," sung to the tune of "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald," setting the tone for the sad discussion to follow.

There are basically two ways of looking at what happened. Either this was it, the window has closed, and the Lions missed their best chance to get to the Super Bowl.

OR ...

This was just one of those games where everything goes right for the opponent and everything goes wrong for the Roar. Not to mention the fact that our defense was staffed mostly by guys who wouldn't be playing if not for the Holocaust the swept through the starting lineup. As Winds of Fury has so wisely opined, the Roar shall return next season once again ready to rumble.

Still, this loss hurts. And now we have to wait until next season to get out from under the malaise of crushed hopes and dreams.

We'll most likely have new offensive and defensive coordinators. Next season's schedule features a gauntlet of playoff teams. And who knows which free agents will return and which shall move on?

Nevertheless, The Roargasm shall return. For now, stay strong, Roar Nation. We'll see you on the other side.

Yes, it's a bye week, but The Roargasm never rests!

We gather the Supreme Roar Council to review the wildcard games and look ahead to destroying the Cockmanders/Cuckmanderes/Commodore 64s this Saturday eve.

We reckon that at home, against a rookie QB, with as many of our guys as possible back from injury, and with the coaching brain trust given a full two weeks to cook up something special, the Roar shall triumph in overwhelming fashion

We nod sagely at the demise of the once mighty NFC North, where the Roar rightly reign supreme.

We dip into a few Simon and Roarfunkle song parodies.

We roar it out and conclude the pod with a lively After the Roar.

Let's go, Roar Nation! Let's fucking go!

ROARRRRR!

WE ARE KING IN THE NORTH!

This jubilant and chaotic episode has it all:

The one and only Fantetti beaming in from the Northwest

Deano joining from the holy city of Jerusalem!

And a full 2 hours of roarection-induced mania in the wake of the Lion's masterful and beguiling dismantling of the Viqueens to capture the NFC North title.

We spend a lot of time marveling at the resurgent D, which held to Queens to three measly field goals.

We prostate ourselves in front of the majesty of Sonic's 4 TDs.

We love Anzalone even more than we already did, which was thought to be impossible.

We send flowers to Amik Robertson, who made Justin Jefferson disappear.

And we learn, via Amik, that you can't bury what comes from the fucking dirt.

I could go on an on, but the point is, ROARRRRRRR!

The Lions are Super Bowl favorites. We have home field advantage throughout the playoffs. We have time to get guys healthy.

Let's fucking go!

With Deano in the Holy Land, we are graced by the presence of Air Low AND the newly dubbed Hairestotle, aka Lil Air, whose flowing locks are indeed a sight to behold.

We begin with a newly revealed chapter of The Book of Jared, which came to Uncle Brother in a dream.

Air and Hair regale us with tales of their journey to Levi Stadium, a wicked place where the Roar had not won in many a season. They took full advantage of the free and bottomless concessions and felt at one with Roar Nation, which was out in full effect.

We reaffirm that the hook and ladder is NOT a trick play at this point, although we still get to marvel at how flawlessly the Lions pulled it off once again, resulting in a majestic JAMO tuddy.

We're not thrilled about our D, which gave up 34 points and a ton of yard to a diminished 69ers squad, but a win's a win, and no matter what else transpired, the Roar finish the season with a perfect road record.

We look ahead, with some foreboding, to the epic battle against the Viqueens. It's kinda insane that a 14-win team will be relegated to a wild card spot, but that's how it is when you play in the toughest division in the NFL.

That's all for now. Until next Sunday, keep roaring loud and proud!

Ben Johnson is a goddman wizard. Chaotic neutral. His powers of creative deception are off the charts. In fact, there is no chart when it comes to this man's bag of tricks.

We spend a good chunk of this pod marveling at the "stumble bumble" trick play, or whatever the hell it's called, just gobsmacked at the audacity of BJ, Jared, and Sonic to make it look like a fumble (or something) to throw the linebackers off the scent.

And when Jared rose up like a vengeful demon and tossed a perfect ball to Porta Party ... There was rejoicing throughout the land, except in Chicago, where the pig-like, sub-human people there (except for Uncle Brother, Lady Brother, and their Daughter Brothers, of course) gnashed their teeth, donned sackcloth, and covered themselves in ashes.

We also talk about other stuff, although I don't remember many details. There's some debate over what needs to happen for the Roar to claim the top seed and earn a bye. Best if they just win out.

Speaking of which, we predict the score against the 69ers, the basic point being that we have no doubt that the Roar will hold nothing back in dishing out sweet revenge against those fuckers.

This episode's After the Roar segment is sponsored by the Force Feed an Offensive Lineman Foundation (FFOLF). For only $877 a day, you can help a Lions O-lineman get the calories he needs to keep serving up pancake blocks and for Dan Skipper, in particular, to practice his route running.

Happy holidays, all you helpless Roaraholics! Let's fucking go!

ROAR!!!!!!

What can we say?

The Roargasm crew gets together in person, at Roar Manor (also known as Wallbrook West) in South Haven, MI, only to watch as Marvel Supervillain Josh Allen had his way with our 18th-string D, doing pretty much whatever the fuck he wanted.

A 5-TD, 0-INT, nearly 500-yard game from Jared wasn't enough--the first time that's happened in the history of the damn league.

And just to rub it in, the football gods claimed several more of our defenders, plus MountGomery, who is out for the season.

So ... yeah. That sucks.

BUT ...

We are still roaring at 12-2, with a chance to secure home field advantage throughout the playoffs over the next three games.

And although Mount is out, we still have Sonic, who is built for this shit.

Anyhow, we kinda forgot how bad losing sucks. Dealing with it clearly affected our pod-ending roar, which took something like 7 takes to get right.

We were so distraught that we forgot to guess the lines and predict the score against the Care Bears next week.

So here's a guess: The Roar will take out their frustrations against the Care Bears, Sonic will induce massive roargasms, the Oline will serve up a heaping helping of pancake blocks, and the D--featuring several guys who have literally never played organized football--will hold their own. Lions 34 - Care Bears 17.

Roar!

Banged up defense?

No problem.

Surging Pecklers squad out for revenge?

No biggee.

Going for it on 4th down when already in field goal range?

Of course. And of course we got it, bled the clock, and won the game leaving zero time for the fucking Pecklers to mount a comeback.

Lomas and Uncle Brother record Part 1 of the pod during halftime, when it seemed that the Roar was in total control.

Lomas and Deano record Part 2 on Friday, with full knowledge of all that transpired.

A huge Roar to the D for stifling the Pecklers in the first half and making Love run for his life. And no shame in the D wilting in the 2nd half against a legit good Pecklers team.

Another huge Roar to Jared for turning it on at the end and lead us to a come from behind victory.

And the biggest ROAR of all to DC, he of the massive balls of rust-proof titanium, for going for it on 4th down to ensure that the Pecks didn't get the ball back with time to tie the game.

That's what this team is all about--going full ROAR all the time, every time, taking chances, and being 12-1 for the first time in franchise history.

12-1, folks. 12 and fucking 1!

Next up, the Suckallo Billcocks, who are scary as hell. But so are we.

Huddle up, Roar Nation! Roar on 3.

See ya!

We are thankful for:

--A rare Thanksgiving win

--The Care Bears sucking massive turkey balls at the end of the game

--The o-line and the Sonic/Knuckles ground attack, which remains unstoppable

--DC, BH, BJ and the entire coaching staff

--Penei for refusing to be tackled by the entire Care Bear's defense

--Billy Sims and his 45+ BBQ joint locations

--The Roar being 11-1 for the first time in Roar history

--The brave staff at Wallbrook who are dealing with an inmate revolt and ongoing hostage situation

--Fantetti, for being himself

--And for Roaraholics across this great land!

In this episode:

--Lomas recounts wading into enemy territory, into the fetid bowls of the hellhole known as Lucas Oil Stadium, to support the Roar from way up in the fucking nosebleeds. Among hundreds, maybe thousands, of fellow Roaraholics!

--We spend a little time on what was, as Deano put it, a ho-hum 18-point road win. Nothing flashy. No trick plays or record-setting performances. Just the People Mover moving people and Sonic and Knuckles doing their shit and Jared playing a controlled, confident, if unspectacular game.

--We look ahead to Thanksgiving, a day on which the Lions have not won since 2016. That will change against the Care Bears, who look tougher than their record indicates but will get their asses beat nonetheless.

--We eagerly Roar to get to After the Roar, upon which ... well ... I honestly don't remember much. We entered realms unseen, where space and time dissolved and reformed in the shape of a roaring lion.

--Uncle Brother recounts an encounter with a naked man walking through a forest

--We conclude After the Roar in a state of total stupefaction, forever changed.

In this episode ...

I mean, what's there left to say? The Roar did what they were supposed to do: beat the absolute shit out of one of the worst teams in the league.

Jared returned to his MVP-level ways, pitching a pretty much perfect game.

The People Mover moved people.

Knuckles and Sonic did their thing.

Sun God shined forth.

Jamo was Jamo.

Branch laid wood.

Za'Darius got .5 of a sack!

We most likely got Doug Pederson fired.

Good times!

Other stuff:

Deano records lying down in bed, making him look a little bit like the guy in "The Whale."

We spend a good chunk of the episode running down our list of silly, pejorative names for other teams, cracking ourselves up along the way.

We three-part roar with confidence like the grizzled vets we are.

And we'll see all you unrepentant roaraholics next week, when Lomas will be in person to witness the Roar embarrass the Dolts in their own dome.

Roar!

And with two 50+ yard field goals, Master Jake Bates has kicked himself into the Lions Kicking Circle of Fame, joining Eddy Murray and Jason Hanson (and probably also Matt Tater) as part of the proud lineage of superlative roaring kickers.

Seriously, Master Bates was incredibly clutch, painting the upright on a 52-yard game-winning boot.

This was easily the Roar's toughest win.

Jared threw 5(!) picks, although only two were legit, and even those seemed like miscommunication instead of sucky throws.

The People Mover stopped moving.

CJ Stroud and co. put up 23 in the first half.

But our D roared back, shutting those fuckers out in the 2nd half. And The People Mover started moving, and Jared found a little rhythm.

And we fucking won, despite everything!

Next week we're at home for a Jagoffuars feast. We should demolish those losers.

Let's keep winning, baby! ROAR!

On the road at Lambeau. In the pouring rain. Against a really good (or so we thought) Pecklers squad with a hotshot QB and sturdy Oline. Without our best defender for most of the game.

And guess what? It didn't fucking matter. The Roar did their thing, the Pecklers folded, and we're along atop the division at 7-1. ROAR!

In this diabolical episode, we celebrate what's become routine for the Lions: winning every which way, no matter the circumstances and no matter the opponent.

We Marvel at yet another spectacular Jared performance.

We honor the People Mover and the Gibbs-Montgomery onslaught.

We revel in Jordan Love fumbling approximately 532 snaps.

And, for some reason, we spend long chunks of the pod assuming the characters of New York Jewish mothers with raspy voices.

We make predictions for next week, once again on the road, against the Texans--a name so lame we haven't even really bothered to come up with a stupid nickname.

Be sure to listen to "After the Roar" for more nonsense.

ROAR!