Welcome to The Attachment Trap Podcast, where therapist and author Tim Ervin and his partner, Susan, dive into the messy, beautiful world of modern love.
From anxious texting spirals to “why do I always date the same kind of person?” moments, this show blends humor, heart, and science to help you understand why love can feel like a rollercoaster—and how to step off the ride finally.
Each episode unpacks real-life relationship dynamics through the lens of attachment theory, nervous system healing, and everyday stories from Tim and Susan’s own marriage. You’ll learn why chemistry can be a trigger, how to set boundaries without burnout, and what secure love actually feels like in your body.
Grab your coffee, pull up a chair, and join us at the kitchen table for conversations that are warm, funny, and deeply human.
Because you’re not broken, you’re becoming.
What if your thoughts were only passing visitors—clouds drifting through the sky, waves rolling across the ocean, leaves floating down a stream? Each week, we’ll explore guided mindfulness journeys, progressive relaxation, and hypnotic imagery to help you loosen the grip of thought and discover the calm that’s always been within you.
Step into a space of deep relaxation and awareness. Beyond the Clouds offers guided mindfulness meditations, progressive relaxation practices, and hypnotic suggestion journeys designed to quiet the mind and restore the body. Each episode weaves soothing imagery—clouds in the sky, waves on the ocean, echoes in the canyon—reminding you that you are not your thoughts.
Created for anyone seeking relief from stress, anxiety, or the constant mental chatter, these sessions help old stories that hold you back and help you let go of and return to a presence, clarity, and peace. Whether you’re new to meditation or have been practicing for years, you’ll find calm, renewal, and grounding in every episode.
Listen weekly, relax deeply, and remember: you are the sky, not the passing clouds of thought.
Have you ever wondered why the same fights keep showing up in your relationships, even when you swear you’ll never repeat the pattern?
You’re not broken, you’re human. And your nervous system is simply replaying old attachment strategies that once kept you safe.
I’m Tim Ervin, a therapist, coach, Navy veteran, and author of The Attachment Trap. For over 30 years, I’ve helped people untangle the survival patterns that block love, trust, and connection. On this podcast, I blend humor, neuroscience, and real-life stories to show you how healing occurs not just in your mind, but also in your body and subconscious mind.
Season 1 was about awareness: naming the patterns and understanding why you do what you do. Season 2 is about transformation: using tools like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and hypnotherapy, actually, to shift those patterns so that love feels safe again.
Expect to hear pop-culture examples—from Ross and Rachel’s anxious-avoidant loop in Friends, to Jim and Pam’s tender missteps in The Office, to the lovable chaos of Modern Family. These aren’t just sitcom storylines; they’re mirrors of the attachment patterns that shape our lives.
Along the way, you’ll learn:
Why talk therapy alone sometimes isn’t enough to change automatic reactions.
How EMDR helps your brain finally reprocess old memories so they stop hijacking you in the present.
How hypnotherapy opens the door for new, healthier beliefs to take root at the subconscious level.
How combining the two can help you move from survival mode into real capacity for love.
You’ll also receive guided practices, such as a gentle EMDR-inspired meditation in Episode 2, that allow you to experience healing tools firsthand.
If you’ve ever thought, “I understand why I do this, but I still can’t stop,” this podcast is for you. It’s time to stop blaming yourself, start rewiring old survival strategies, and finally build the kind of connection you’ve been craving.
Because you’re not broken, you’re becoming.
In this Season 1 finale of The Attachment Trap Podcast, Tim Ervin brings everything full circle with a “Previously on…” style recap of Episodes 1–12. Think sitcom montage meets relationship psychology: Ross and Rachel’s “we were on a break,” Jim and Pam’s steady love, and why your nervous system often mistakes chaos for chemistry.
Together, we revisit the big themes of the season:
Attachment Theory in action: why anxious, avoidant, and secure patterns play out in dating like our favorite TV couples.
Why dating feels so intense: instincts explain ghosting, overthinking, and texting spirals.
Chemistry vs. capacity fireworks can be thrilling, but campfires (consistency, kindness, emotional availability) are what keep you warm.
Green Flags and Boundaries: How to Spot Real Safety and Say No Without Losing Connection.
Charm vs. proper safety: why familiarity isn’t always love, and how your body can learn to choose calm over chaos.
The golden thread? You’re not broken. Your nervous system has been protecting you in the only way it knows how. And the hope of this season has been showing you that you can rewire those old survival patterns into connection, safety, and love that lasts.
As we close Season 1, Tim also shares a glimpse of what’s ahead in Season 2: how attachment and nervous system awareness shape long-term relationships. We’ll dive into conflict, repair, intimacy, and the little everyday moments that build a love strong enough to last.
So take a breath, put a hand on your chest, and tune in to this heartfelt wrap-up. Because the story of attachment isn’t just about who you’ve loved before — it’s about learning to love in a way that finally feels like home.
Episode 12: When Charm Isn’t Safety: Why Your Nervous System Confuses Narcissistic Traits for Love
Charm can feel magnetic, but often it’s not the same as safety. In this episode, Tim Ervin explores why so many of us are drawn to charisma and intensity, even when it leaves us anxious or drained. Using sitcoms, romcoms, and nervous system science, he explains how trauma wires us to mistake chaos for connection and how to build new patterns that choose steadiness over unpredictability.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
The difference between charm (designed to impress) and safety (designed to sustain).
Why your nervous system confuses charisma and unpredictability with love.
How childhood experiences of conditional or inconsistent affection wire the body for chaos.
Why charm feels exciting but often burns out quickly, leaving exhaustion in its wake.
The nervous system cost of chasing charm: anxiety, hypervigilance, and relational rollercoasters.
How sitcom and romcom characters (Barney, Joey, Ryan Gosling in Crazy, Stupid, Love) illustrate the difference between dazzle and depth.
Three steps to retrain attraction: listen to your body, slow down the pace, and build a new template of steady, safe connection.
A practical tool, The Charm Reality Check, to spot when charisma is covering over inconsistency.
Reflection prompts to help you recognize when you’ve mistaken fireworks for love.
The nervous system shift: why real love feels like a campfire, not a fireworks show.
Saying no can feel terrifying, especially if your nervous system learned early on that love depended on compliance, helpfulness, or keeping the peace. In this episode, Tim Ervin unpacks why boundaries are so hard, how sitcom characters like Monica (Friends), Leslie (Parks and Rec), and Pam (The Office) hilariously show us our own struggles, and most importantly, how to set limits that protect connection instead of breaking it.
Sitcom moments with Monica (Friends), Leslie (Parks and Rec), and Pam (The Office) show how hard it can be to say no.
Why Boundaries Feel Hard: How Childhood Patterns Teach Your Nervous System That Saying 'Yes' Equals Safety, and 'No' Feels Like Danger.
Pop Culture Stories: From 27 Dresses to Ron Swanson (Parks and Rec), exploring the contrast between people-pleasing chaos and calm, guilt-free no’s.
The Nervous System Cost of Fake Yeses: How resentment, anxiety, shutdown, and burnout show up in your body when you ignore your limits.
Three Steps to Boundaries Without Burnout: Getting clear on your needs, practicing a gentle no, and separating connection from compliance.
Tool of the Week: The Boundary Breath: A simple breath practice to check whether your yes comes from joy or guilt.
Reflection Prompts: Journaling questions to help you notice where you’re over-giving and practice safe no’s.
The Nervous System Shift: Why real boundaries protect connection instead of breaking it.
Do you ever wonder why the people who give you the biggest butterflies also leave you the most drained? That’s the trap of mistaking chaos for chemistry. In this episode of The Attachment Trap Podcast, therapist, coach, and author Tim Ervin takes you inside Chapter 10 of his book to explore nervous system compatibility, the difference between sparks that fizzle and love that actually lasts.
Through sitcom classics like Friends and The Office, Tim shows why Ross and Rachel’s rollercoaster romance isn’t love goals it’s adrenaline dressed up as attraction and why Jim and Pam’s slow-burn connection is the real blueprint for safety and capacity.
In this conversation, you’ll discover:
What nervous system compatibility really means (and why it outlasts chemistry).
Why those hot-and-cold dynamics feel so addictive and so exhausting.
How to recognize when someone’s nervous system is a match for yours.
Three practical tools to help you choose steady, safe connection over chaos.
If you’re tired of relationships that feel like cliffhangers, this episode will help you step off the rollercoaster and into a love that feels like home, steady, safe, and still full of laughter the tenth time around.
Ever feel like your texting style is running your love life? Think Keeley from Ted Lasso firing off twenty texts in a row, all emojis and urgency, versus Ted himself, who sends a goofy message and then goes on with his day. That’s the primary difference in the nervous system between anxious and secure attachment.
In this episode of The Attachment Trap Podcast, we delve into the Textual Tango, decoding the complex, often confusing, and sometimes panic-inducing world of dating texts. You’ll learn why three dots can feel like a cliffhanger, how your nervous system shapes the way you read “lol” vs. “haha,” and practical tools to text with calm, clarity, and confidence.
This episode is based on Chapter 9 of my book The Attachment Trap: Loving Without Losing Yourself. If you’re ready to take this deeper, visit https://emdrtim.com to grab the book or work with me one-on-one. Together, we can unravel anxious patterns and establish the secure connection you’ve been longing for.
Episode 9: The Textual Tango
Why your nervous system freaks out over three little dots…
Why dating texts trigger anxiety (and what to do).
How attachment styles show up in texting.
Sitcom stories: Friends, The Office, Ted Lasso.
The 10-Second Text Pause tool.
Reflection prompts from The Attachment Trap.
We’ve all become professionals at spotting red flags in dating. The late-night texts, the “I’m bad at commitment but let’s see where this goes,” the mysteriously empty apartment with three snakes but no furniture, we notice those instantly.
But here’s the thing: the opposite signs? The ones that actually point to someone being safe, steady, and worth your time? Those green flags? They tend to fly right under the radar. And that’s a problem, because calm love doesn’t always feel like love at first, especially if your nervous system is trained to expect chaos.
In this episode, we’re flipping the script. We’ll talk about why your body overlooks green flags, how actually to spot them in real life, and why the relationships that last are usually built on these quiet, steady signals.
And to bring it to life, we’ll look at some surprisingly powerful moments from Netflix’s Nobody Wants This. Not the dramatic, soap-opera kind of moments, but the ones that whisper safety:
A partner saying, “I want you to be you.”
Or simply, “I’m on your side.”
Or even reminding us that “love’s worth it, even if it doesn’t work out.”
These aren’t Instagram quotes. They’re nervous system anchors the kind of presence that helps you breathe easier, rest, and finally stop walking on eggshells.
So if you’ve spent years chasing the fireworks, maybe it’s time to notice the campfire because that’s what actually keeps you warm.
Join me for Episode 8 of The Attachment Trap Podcast: Green Flags, The Overlooked Signs of Someone Worth Getting to Know.
Think of the last time you felt that head-spinning rush of attraction, the kind that makes you lose your appetite, lose your mind, maybe even lose yourself. Movies call it true love. Songs call it soulmates. But here’s the twist: your nervous system might just be saying, ‘This feels familiar.’
And familiar isn’t always safe. Sometimes it’s chaos in disguise.
In Chapter 7 of The Attachment Trap: Loving Without Losing Yourself, I call this the trap of chemistry versus capacity. Chemistry is fireworks, dazzling, intense, unforgettable. But capacity? That’s the campfire steady, warm, still burning when the fireworks fade.
In this episode, we’ll unpack why your body sometimes confuses chaos with connection, how neuroception, your nervous system’s radar, can mistake unpredictability for passion, and why calm can feel uncomfortable if you grew up with inconsistency.
And of course, we’ll bring in some pop culture. Think The Notebook , Noah and Allie screaming and kissing in the rain, that’s chemistry, intoxicating but exhausting. Now compare that to Coach and Tami Taylor in Friday Night Lights, small, steady choices, teamwork, laughter in the mess. That’s capacity. One burns you out, the other sustains you.
We’ll even explore why Taylor Swift’s ‘sparks fly’ anthems feel magnetic and why John Legend’s All of Me gives us the nervous system safety that actually lasts.
So if you’ve ever wondered why calm feels boring and chaos feels like home, this episode is for you.
Episode 7 of The Attachment Trap Podcast: Chemistry vs. Capacity — Why Fireworks Fade and Campfires Last.
You know what’s worse than being ghosted? Realizing your nervous system has been trained to expect it and still feeling the pull toward the people who disappear. In Chapter 6 of my book, The Attachment Trap, I call this the ‘chemistry versus capacity’ trap. Chemistry is fireworks, hot, bright, unforgettable. But capacity? That’s the steady flame that doesn’t burn out when the night is over.
In this episode, we’re diving into breadcrumbing and ghosting those emotional haunted house rides that keep your survival brain hooked. We’ll explore why unpredictability feels magnetic, even when it should feel exhausting. And we’ll look at how your nervous system scans every text, every silence, and sometimes mistakes chaos for safety simply because it feels familiar.
We’ll even bring in romcom examples because movies like Materialists show us the difference between Harry’s flashy fireworks and John’s quiet campfire. One burns out. The other lasts.
So if you’ve ever caught yourself chasing the vanishing act or clinging to crumbs of attention, this episode is for you. Chapter 6 is all about learning how to rewire your system so you can stop chasing ghosts and start building love that actually feels like home. Don’t miss Episode 6 of The Attachment Trap Podcast: Breadcrumbs, Ghosts, and the Nervous System’s Rollercoaster. https://bit.ly/47zf3KB
Welcome to The Attachment Trap Podcast, hosted by therapist, coach, and author Tim Ervin.
If you’ve ever wondered why your love life feels like a rollercoaster—steady one moment and chaotic the next—this show is for you. Each episode blends psychology, pop culture, and nervous system science to reveal why we get stuck in the same patterns of love, conflict, and confusion.
Through real stories, sitcom examples, and practical tools, you’ll learn how to tell the difference between chemistry and capacity, chaos and calm, and how to retrain your nervous system to choose love that feels safe, steady, and nourishing.
This isn’t just another relationship podcast. It’s a map back to yourself and to the kind of connection you’ve been craving.
Subscribe now and share an episode with someone who needs to hear it. For deeper tools and exercises, grab Tim’s bookThe Attachment Trap: Loving Without Losing Yourself on Amazon or connect with him directly at www.attachmenttrap.com. Because love isn’t meant to be a trap. It’s meant to set you free.
Your nervous system might be confusing chaos for chemistry. Here’s how sitcom couples can teach you the difference between thrilling and truly safe.
Ever wonder why you keep ending up with partners who feel exciting but leave you exhausted? In this episode of The Attachment Trap, therapist and author Tim Ervin unpacks the science of neuroception, your body’s behind-the-scenes “safety radar,” and why it sometimes mistakes the familiar for the safe.
Through laugh-out-loud moments from How I Met Your Mother, New Girl, Bob’s Burgers, The Simpsons, and Ted Lasso, you’ll see how healthy vs. unhealthy patterns play out on screen and in real life. You’ll learn why calm can feel “boring” at first, how to tell the difference between capacity and chaos, and what it takes to choose the ride that takes you somewhere you actually want to go.
Because love shouldn’t feel like surviving, it should feel like living.
Episode 1: Attachment Theory
Ever feel like your dating life belongs in a sitcom? In this episode, therapist and author Tim Ervin breaks down why your love life might look more like Modern Family than a rom-com—and how your attachment style is the real scriptwriter.
Using Haley and Dylan’s on-again, off-again chaos, Tim explains how anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment patterns show up in real life and how your nervous system might be chasing emotional rollercoasters that feel like “chemistry.”
You’ll learn:
You’re not broken. You’re learning to love without fear.
For tools, downloads, and free resources: www.notbrokenpod.com
Grab your copy of The Attachment Trap, subscribe for future episodes, and visit www.notbrokenpod.com for free tools, nervous system resources, and more.
Coming up next: Episode 2 – Nervous System 101: Why Dating Feels Like a Threat, Even When It’s Supposed to Be Fun.
Welcome to The Attachment Trap Podcast
“You’re not broken, you’re wired for survival.”
In this very first episode, therapist, coach, and author Tim Ervin introduces the heart and soul of The Attachment Trap Podcast. If dating has ever left you spiraling after a text, chasing emotionally unavailable people, or wondering if love is just too much for you, this episode is your invitation to a whole new understanding of yourself.
Based on Tim’s book, The Attachment Trap: Loving Without Losing Yourself, this podcast is for the overthinkers, the tender-hearted, the avoiders, the pleasers, and anyone who’s ever felt like they’re too much, not enough, or just stuck in the same dating patterns.
You’ll learn:
· Why dating activates your nervous system’s survival responses
· How early attachment patterns quietly shape the way you love, text, and trust
· Why “the spark” might actually be a trauma response
· And how to begin shifting from chaos to calm in your love life
This episode lays the groundwork for everything to come, a journey through all 13 chapters of the book, where we’ll explore ghosting, boundaries, green flags, chemistry vs. compatibility, and how to feel safe in your own body and relationships, finally.
Whether you’re recovering from heartbreak, navigating the apps, or learning to trust again, you are not alone. You’re not broken. And your path to grounded, connected love starts here.
Grab the book: Want to go deeper? Get your copy of The Attachment Trap: Loving Without Losing Yourself at Amazon in Kindle and Paperback. Scan the QR code.
Free resources + updates: Visit www.notbrokenpod.com to download somatic tools, join the mailing list, or connect with Tim.
Episode 3: Meet the Inner Crew Running Your Love Life
Based on Chapter 3 of The Attachment Trap: Loving Without Losing Yourself
Have you ever looked back at your dating history and thought, “Why do I keep choosing the same type of person in a slightly different outfit?” You’re not alone, and you’re not failing at love. You’re just following a script, your nervous system and inner parts have been running for years.
In this episode, we explore the hidden cast of characters inside you, like the Pleaser, the Fixer, the Guarded Over Achiever, and how they team up to create emotional loops that feel like love… but usually end in frustration.
To bring this to life, we swap Central Perk for the Ted Lasso universe and take a close look at Roy Kent and Keeley Jones, two people in love, but stuck in a loop. Roy’s Stoic Captain Part avoids vulnerability like it’s a red card, while Keeley’s Performer Part tries harder and harder to prove she’s enough. Sound familiar?
Here’s what we’ll unpack:
Why “parts work” (IFS) can help you spot the internal voices guiding your dating life
How your nervous system pulls you toward the familiar — even when the familiar is dysfunctional
Why chemistry sometimes feels like fireworks, and sometimes like a five-alarm fire
What to say to your protective parts when they want to overgive, overanalyze, or pull away
Three simple tools to shift from reacting to repeating and start dating from Self
This episode is your invitation to stop blaming yourself and start listening inside. Because your parts aren’t sabotaging you, they’re trying to protect you, the only way they know how. And now? You get to choose a new way.
Because you’re not broken, you’re just protecting yourself. And protection doesn’t have to mean pushing love away.
Episode 2: Nervous System 101 – Why Dating Feels Like a Threat (Even When It’s Supposed to Be Fun)
You’ve just had a great date. There’s chemistry, laughs, maybe even lingering eye contact. You wake up the next morning, check your phone… and it’s as silent as Ross at a science conference.
Cue panic.
In this episode, Tim Ervin, therapist, coach, and author of The Attachment Trap , dives into why dating doesn’t always feel fun. Instead, it can feel like your nervous system is stuck in a Friends rerun where Monica’s spiraling over Richard, Rachel’s triple-texting Ross, and Chandler is using sarcasm as a trauma response. (Oh wait… he is.)
Here’s what you’ll learn:
Why your nervous system scans dating situations like they’re emotional minefields
How polyvagal theory explains that sinking feeling when someone takes too long to text back
Why silence feels like danger (even when nothing went wrong)
How Monica’s morning-after meltdown reveals what your nervous system really fears
What elevator floors, meatball subs, and Smelly Cat have to do with survival
Three somatic tools to help you regulate before, during, and after a date
We’re talking about real science, but with a Central Perk twist. Think of this episode as your personal guide to surviving modern romance without having to become a Monica-on-espresso or shut down like Ross when someone mentions commitment.
Because you’re not broken, you’re wired for survival.
And once you understand what your body’s trying to protect, you can teach it how to feel safe with connection, not just coffee and caution tape.