Mindset Monday Challenge - Spread Kindness
This week’s Mindset Monday is inspired by Annie Lennox and Al Green. I won’t subject you to my singing voice but “think of your fellow man, lend him a helping hand.”
Altruism and acts of kindness have been proven to boost our own well-being. If you have all you need you naturally will start to check in on those close to you to make sure they’re doing okay. We can build our sense of abundance by starting with checking in and helping out others. Our brains reason that if we’re doing this, we must be safe and secure.
The simplest way you can do this is by checking in on someone you care about. You mightn’t need to actually do anything to help them. Very often the thing that we’re missing is someone to fully listen to us. And we’re all capable of listening to our friends and family and giving them the gift of being heard.
Or we can share a meme that will bring a smile to my face. This is another preferred method of kindness that’s easy to do, hopefully makes the people you care about chuckle, and puts a little love in your heart.
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Mindset Monday - Are you looking for truth or validation?
This week let’s ask ourselves if we’re looking for the truth or validation, if we’re looking for what’s right, or to prove we’re right.
We can use this approach when we’re conversing with ourselves and our thoughts. And we can also use it when we’re talking with someone. Drop the desire to be correct and instead enter conversations with an attitude of curiosity, seeing what you can learn and understand rather than proving your point.
It’s our ego that needs to be right. Sometimes this is very important, like we know it’s right to cross the street. Other times, it’s not so much. And it’s this need to be right that can cost us in connections, growth and opportunity.
Take the time this week to question your motives. Seek less validation and spend a little more time looking for what’s right and let me know how you get on.
If you’d like support with this strategy, reach out!
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Mindset Monday - Drop The “Yeah, But…”
This week’s Mindset Monday Challenge is aimed at improving your communication, and it involves dropping “yeah, but” from your speech.
Therapists like to say everything before the but is BS. When we say “yeah, but” we’ve really dismissed the other persons point of view, and are more interested in being heard and getting our point across. At the very extreme it shows that we might not have even been listening all that much.
When we hear “yeah, but” do we feel listened to, respected and understood? My guess is no. We feel like we’re in an argument of opinions, and it’s an adversarial style of discourse.
You might be thinking “yeah, but I really need to get my point across!” To that I’ll ask if you think your point will be more or less received without that phrase?
So what’s the alternative? To repeat back to the other person what you heard them say, to make sure you understood them. You can either parrot or paraphrase. There’s more to it, so start with that and let me know how your conversations go this week.
If you’d like to talk more about cooperative communication, just reach out.
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Matt’s Mindset Course Experience
Matt got in touch with me to run a 12-Week Mindset Course for his gym. In this short video he shares why he reached out, his experience, the benefits and advice to anyone considering the same.
If you’d like to set this up for your team reach out to me - colm@thementalhealthplan.com
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Tough Love Thursday - Avoidance and Distractions Are Not Mental Health
Lately there’s been a lot of arguments made for services to be classified as vital for mental health.
One problem is mental health is synonymous with mental illness. If you are severely depressed, or anxious, you absolutely need a professional to help you. Either through talk therapy, medication, or some combination of the above.
Building mental health is further along the continuum. It’s all the repeated acts of positive self care that add up to mental well-being, peace of mind, and happiness.
Any activity with the right intention and execution can build mental health. But any activity that’s used as a means of avoidance for a distraction isn’t contributing to your peace of mind. If you run to enjoy the endorphins and fresh air it can be a positive. If you only feel good about yourself after you’ve had your run, or run excessively while avoiding your obligations and difficulty conversations/self reflection, then it is no longer a method of building and preserving your mental health.
Mental health cannot be built only on what feels good. You need to address your self limiting beliefs, bad habits, unresolved memories, and embrace the “dark” side of development. This can be done through ‘making yourself’ study in order to improve your career, having raw and honest conversations with loved ones or professionals, and sitting with yourself to clear your jumbled up thoughts and feelings.
When you commit to the difficult, uncomfortable, or downright scary tasks of true self care, that’s where the real pay off of peace of mind and true mental health resides.
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Mindset Monday - What Can You Remove?
So often in life we feel the need to add something to our lives to make them better.
That can be adding physical things like a bigger home, new shiny phone, more clothes, etc.
Or it can be adding in practices like extra workouts, more experiences, more time reading or learning how to cook.
All of these things can be great, or they add to our stress if it creates a sense of angst because we’ve too much to do and not enough time or energy to do it.
That’s why this week I’d like you to investigate what you can reduce and remove? A simple practice I do is look for one item to throw away each day. Just one. This promotes calm through gradually decluttering the physical environment.
But we can also look at activities we can remove, like spending 20 minutes getting your daily coffee or watching Netflix past 10pm.
Finally, we can look at thoughts that are no longer serving and look to remove those as well.
Try a week of subtraction and see how it adds to your mental well-being.
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Tough Love Thursday - Nobody “Makes You” Feel Anything
The words we use to describe ourselves and how we feel are incredibly powerful. This is why I invite you to be reflective of the words you habitually use.
When we say someone or something “made me feel” a certain way we’re putting ourselves in the victim role. When we say something outside of us makes us feel something we’re putting the solution outside of our control as well.
Let me be clear, external events and people’s actions can absolutely trigger our emotional response. The trigger is external, the cause is internal. It’s our thinking about the situation, our history, our choice - even if it seems like it’s a split second choice - that leads to the emotion we’re feeling.
It’s a subtle shift in language, changing from “you made me” to “when you did this, I felt X” yet repeated enough it changes our worldview, our sense of self and our agency over time. When we take responsibility for the feelings we have, we’re empowering ourselves. When we put this on someone or something else, we’re making life unnecessarily harder on ourselves.
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Tough Love Thursday - Stop Shoulding
This week’s Tough Love Thursday is to stop “Shoulding” - saying and thinking that things and people should or shouldn’t be a certain way!
When we waste energy on shoulds we’re taking away from our happiness in the moment and our ability to improve our life. “Should” is just us fighting what actually is. Our thinking is creating a narrative about what’s going on, and usually how unfair or wrong it is that it’s happening.
To help us overcome this tendency to should ourselves into negative headspace, we can use replacement words.
When we say we should do something - eat better, save more, invest in our mind’s health - we can replace that with “I will”. Now we’re creating a positive intention instead of either berating ourselves for not living up to a standard or wishing for magical improvement some point in the future.
If we’re talking about other events or people, we can replace should with what we’d like to see. Instead of “they shouldn’t be so disrespectful” we can state our boundaries with “I’d like it if…” and be specific, kind and clear about what we want.
Any time we should we’re in judgment mode about something outside of our control. When we replace should we’re brining back our acceptance of the present and our agency to improve our lives.
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Mindset Is The Missing Piece To Happiness
Like most of us I spent most of my life chasing tangible goals, and trying to “fix” my external world. I genuinely believed that once I got the money, the body fat levels, the right people, lived in the right area, I’d be happy and at peace inside.
Looking at people who had what I thought would make me happy and seeing they weren’t as content as I thought they should helped me realise that chasing the outward markers of success wasn’t a guarantee of fulfilment.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s super important to make progress. Making strides towards meaningful outcomes is a critical part of our well-being, we’d never be fully happy just sitting around all day doing nothing. Striving is important. Chasing these goals and placing our happiness on the far side of “success” is a surefire way to ensure you remain miserable.
We’re always going to have problems to deal with, and issues to overcome. That’s a given in life. When I started commitment to a daily mindset practice (which doesn’t take as much time out of your day as you’d think!) that’s when not only did I feel more at ease internally but I made more progress in my personal and business goals.
It’s important to invest some effort daily in our health, relationships and wealth. Most of us shy away from the mental health side because we’re not familiar with what’s involved and unsure if it’s working. So we continuously go back to our jobs or exercise - habits we’re familiar with. Because of this I’ve refined my mindset training to give you easy to understand, actionable steps, and regular check in and accountability so we can know if it’s working or not.
If you haven’t taken the time to invest in your mind, reach out and let’s talk about how we can improve this vital area of your life. - https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=18248924&appointmentType=11286512
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Where Are You Hoping For The Lotto Ticket?
This week’s Tough Love Thursday let’s ask ourselves “where am I looking for the lotto ticket?”
What I mean by this is what area of your life are you hoping it will just solve itself, or someone will just take care of it 100%?
It could be you're hoping one activity will give you perfect clarity of mind. Or that one person can solve your loneliness, one conversation repairs your relationships, one change fixes your nutrition and health, or maybe you're hoping for the lotto ticket to solve all your financial woes!
We do this when we feel powerless, or when it seems the energy expended isn't worth the pay off. The thing is the energy and time we waste wanting things to be fixed ends up costing us more in the long run.
For the longest time I was like this with my mindset and mental health - I wanted someone else to fix it, and very often fantasised that the next person or next event would give me the peace I was looking for. But it was never going to be one thing. It was a few key actions, applied in the correct order and given enough time to work. When I committed to small actions consistently applied that’s when I got the results I needed.
Once we've become aware of where we're wishing for the magical fix, we can then start accepting where we are, and reassuring ourselves that small fixes added up will ultimately have an impact. It can also help to think of other areas where you consistently put in the work and eventually saw the reward.
If you need help with this - which is a perfectly okay strategy - just reach out and let's talk.
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Mindset Monday: What Are You Waiting For?
This week’s Mindset Challenge is to invest some time and ask yourself, “What are you waiting for?” Maybe you’re waiting for someone, or work to get less busy, or your debt to get paid down, or to reach a certain body fat level.
When we ask ourselves what we’re waiting for we’re also bringing to light what emotional payoff is on the other side of this event - be it happiness, peace of mind, freedom, security et cetera.
Now there’s two ways to use this information. The first, more quote-unquote practical way, is to ask yourself what habit change or environment/routine change you can make that will improve this situation, and then make a plan to start implementing some percentage of that change today.
The second one is to ask yourself what need is behind that strategy, recognising that it is a strategy, and then ask yourself what other ways might that need be met, either partially or completely.
We all have a tendency to get fixated on a strategy, and even knowing this I’m no different and have to regularly check myself before I wreck myself pursuing one strategy that I’ve become overly focused on.
Look at what you’re waiting for, what’s behind that and how else it can be satisfied, and you will find how freeing this thought process is.
Let me know how you get on!
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2020: Acceptance Or Resignation?
I learnt a good lesson from one of my mentors this week that I’d like to share with you. He pointed out that my acceptance of 2020 was slipping into resignation.
Actually, what he said was “Stop saying ‘it’s 2020, it’s a bunch of shit, there’s only here and now.’ He’s real subtle with his words like that!
Acceptance is taking things as they are, taking the cards you’re dealt and playing the best hand you can. Resignation is giving up and tolerating things as they are.
Acceptance is empowering and active. Resignation is fatalistic.
What I took from this is yes there’s challenges posed by 2020, restrictions in place and obstacles to overcome. But is it really any different from any other time in history? Am I making excuses for why I’m not making the progress I want or am I looking for alternative strategies?
There are real and tangible limits on us each and every day - we’ve obligations, we’re reliant on other people or a bit of luck to get our goals over the line. Only you can answer if these are legitimate reasons you need to change strategy, or just excuses that aren’t empowering you.
Needs and Wants
When we’re setting our daily intentions about what will make our day a good day we can often find ourselves focused on wants over needs. This is particularly true if we make other people responsible for making our day a success. “I want to make that sale.” “I want my kids to behave.” “I want to the win the competition.” All of these aren’t in our control so we’re relying on other people to help us become fulfilled.
We all have fundamental needs - security, variety, connection, contribution, growth, achievement. Wants are our particular strategy to get our needs met.
I want to go travelling. But it’s 2020 so that’s off the cards right now. I could get upset about that, and have at times. But what’s behind that want, that strategy? My need for freedom and variety. Knowing this, I can look at other ways I can get my needs met.
Knowing that our wants are a strategy to get our needs met, we can be more open to different strategies when external factors force us to change our plans. If you find yourself wanting someone to behave in a certain way, or something to happen, look what’s underneath and ask yourself what’s another way to get this need met?
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Mindset Monday - Shave With Hanlon’s Razor
Hanlon’s Razor is an aphorism - Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. Or to put it another way, don’t assume people’s actions are evil or out to hurt you, it’s just that they don’t know any better.
All too often our stress isn’t caused so much by what someone has done, but our reaction to it, and what we tell ourselves are the reasons why they did that.
In the moment, it’s hard not to think other people are acting out to get you, or to hurt you, or to make your life difficult. But when we take a moment to breathe, and consider that they may not know the impact their words or actions are having, we’re less likely to suffer in our minds.
Remember, how often do we act in the way that deliberately tries to harm someone else? Are our own hurtful actions ever motivated by a story that they deserved it? Or that in the moment we simply forgot to consider the impact it might have on them?
This week, when you notice yourself frustrated or annoyed with people, apply Hanlon’s Razor and ask if what they did was motivated out of spite or simply ignorance?
Let me know how you get on 😊
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Mindset Monday - What Do You Need To Invest In Your Mind?
Seriously, I’m asking what do you need.
You’re spending your entire life living with your mind. The way it interprets the world is fundamental to how you act, how you feel and your level of life satisfaction. But so few of us were ever taught that we could influence our brain patterns and how to train your mind. So we spend most of our time trying to influence external factors. Some are inside our control, and a lot are outside our control.
My request this week is to take a few minutes - it won’t take long - and ask yourself what you need in order to start taking care of your mind. I’d love it if you could share it with me. Message me on any platform with what you need and how I can help!
How Your First Meditation Will Feel
Whether you call it a clarity break, mindful minute, meditation, downtime, or whatever, the common myth is that when we do focused mindfulness work, that our brains should just be quiet.
When this doesn’t happen, so many of us think we’re failing because we can’t hold our concentration on the breath, or whatever the object of our practice is.
Usually when we sit down for a mental break, our mind will be used to going a mile a minute, and trying to catch up with everything that’s been going on. So you’ll usually think about the emails you need to send, the work you still need to do, people you want to call, and a million other things.
This is perfectly normal! It’s EXACTLY what you should expect and it’s actually proof that the practice is working.
Think of your mind as a jar of water with some sand it in. Your busy life and hectic schedule are shaking it vigorously. When you take a break the water doesn’t immediately become still nor does the dust settle. As it slows down you see the water and the sand more clearly.
Because you’ve taken a break from external stimuli your brain gets a chance to sort things, and these are always the first things to bubble up to the surface. Instead of getting annoyed that you can’t settle the mind, (which is nigh on impossible!) you can be thankful that you remembered that important email you need to send. Without taking a break you might have completely forgotten.
As you make time for your mind more regular, you’ll notice less urgent things pop to the surface and deeper thoughts beginning to emerge. You’ll even begin to notice those days where the mind doesn’t immediately burst out an avalanche of thoughts.
Regardless of whether there’s a steady stream or a raging flood of thoughts, the time you’re taking is always building up your mental health. Having thoughts is not failing meditation, in fact every time we notice a thought we’re winning.
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Mindset Monday - What’s Worth Failing At?
There’s the cliched question “what would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?” It’s meant to help you decide what you’re passionate about and then build your career around that.
I’m going to flip it on its head this week and ask you “What’s worth failing at?” What is so important to you to try that you’re willing to put in the effort regardless of the outcome?
The reason I ask this is fear of failure can be paralysing. We don’t want to look stupid. We don’t want to waste our time. We don’t want to lose our shirt. And all too often this fear of failure stops us from feeling anxious in the short term, but leads to a lot of regrets in the long term.
Asking yourself what you’re willing to fail at is a short cut to your values and priorities - what’s really important to you? Also, because we’re willing to fail we’re able to give 100% to our effort, without keeping an eye on the scoreboard. Ultimately, a lot of the results are out of our control - 2020 has probably taught us all that. But our attitude and our effort is always in our control, and the thing we can feel proud of, regardless of what the end result is.
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Mindset Monday - Allow Yourself To Feel Uncomfortable
If you’ve been watching for a while you know I love talking about counterintuitive methods and how they can help us.
So much of our lives we attempt to make easier or more comfortable. Some of the time this is a worthy pursuit, but a lot of the time it’s not fulfilling, can lead to more discomfort in the long run, or just holds us back without us knowing.
Avoiding that awkward conversation is comfortable in the short term, but not good for our stress if we keep thinking about it or the behaviour keeps going. Sitting on social media avoiding work is comfortable, but not very fulfilling.
And avoiding our mindful minute or mental health rituals can be comfortable because we don’t have to acknowledge unhelpful thought patterns or feel intense emotions. Without it though, we’re mindlessly trapped in our default patterns which hold us back from maximising our lives.
This week, allow yourself to feel uncomfortable. Start small, and take breaks as you need to. The more you allow yourself to feel uncomfortable the more you’ll realise that discomfort isn’t life threatening, and on the opposite side there’s a lot more freedom, fulfilment and self-pride.
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There’s mastery of our craft, which is our career, athletic goals, finances, relationships, etc. Basically anything that’s tangible or easily measurable. Then there’s mastery of self – our internal world of thoughts and emotions.*
Most of us have been taught that we achieve an external/tangible goal, and that will lead to our inner happiness, peace of mind, self belief, etc. However when we hit that goal, we’re not as satisfied as we thought we’d be.
We’ve two choices now, look inward or pursue the higher goal.
In this episdoe I explain why when we start to look inward it can feel uncomfortable and why we’ll often return to the familiar zone of working on our tangible goals (despite knowing they haven’t given us the results we were looking for previously.)
*Credit to Michael Gervais for the terminology.
Mindset Monday - Lower Expectations
Most of the advice in the world is telling you to raise your standards and expectations. And a lot of the time it’s true and helpful.
I also love when counterintuitive advice helps us get unstuck and make progress, and I think lowering your expectations is one of those times.
A lot of the time we’re stuck because inertia is powerful and very difficult to overcome. So we tell ourselves we need a lot of energy to get going, and it’s energy we don’t have. (Or time, or money, or support.)
And we tell ourselves that the first attempt needs to be perfect. If it’s not, we’re just wasting our time.
That’s true if it’s something super vital that we need to see return on straight away. But rarely, if ever, is that the case. In fact most of the time it’s more about consistent imperfect iterations that add up to get you where you want to go.
We know that nothing will happen unless you take some action (or take some quiet time in the midst of constant activity) so this week in order to make progress lower your expectations of what you want to achieve and just take imperfect action. Then tomorrow take slightly less imperfect action, and keep building momentum.
Or you know, keep waiting until you’ve the perfect plan and see how that goes 🤪
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