⚠️ Warning: A boiler, a vape, and a Bundesliga highlight reel walk into a pub and somehow Arsenal still bottle it. Between VAR smoke, Klopp worship, and a tiny German midfielder giving everyone an existential crisis, the Tun hits new levels of combustible nonsense.

In this week’s carnage:

💨 Chapo hallucinates from boiler vapours and declares himself head of UEFA Comms

🔴 Arsenal praised, mocked, then diagnosed with chronic bottle-syndrome within three minutes

🧠 Tony compares Arteta’s tactics to “trying to toast bread with a lighter”

🧴 Irish Ken sells “official VAR fog” bottled from the men’s toilets

⚽ Liverpool fans re-write history while Jürgen’s veneers blind two pensioners

💩 Florian Wirtz described as “the size of a lamppost plug-socket” yet apparently the second coming

📺 VAR replay replaced by a YouTube clip titled “Wirtz vs Physics 2024”

🪓 Stick of Justice used to point at the telly every time Trent misplaces a pass

🐼 Existential question raised: Is Leandro Trossard actually a panda in disguise?

🍺 Old Man in the Chair demands “proper football” and immediately falls asleep

🚓 Police arrive over “unlicensed punditry” and leave arguing about xG

So crack a tin, inhale the fog, and join Chapo AND Bomb as the lads dissect Arsenal’s mood swings, Liverpool’s deluded fans moral-superiority complex, and the legend of the five-foot-three phenom Florian "£8.5m" Wirtz all through a haze of burnt heater oil and bad decisions.

💩 P.S. VAR still stands for Very Arse Results.

💩 P.P.S. Sheffield is still a shithole.

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⚠️ Warning: The Buttock Derby delivered everything the FA handbook explicitly forbids fake kits, flying handbags, and a referee who pulled his hamstring halfway through booking a man with extra toes.

In this week’s carnage:

🥴 Irish Ken’s “Real Madrid” shirts disintegrate before kick-off

⚽ Meoff actually plays football, then immediately regrets it

🦶 Six-Toes Derek scores, two-foots, and re-enacts Mortal Kombat

🍑 Referee’s left cheek explodes mid-card-wave

🪓 Tony brandishes the Stick of Justice while flogging knock-off air-fryers

👩‍👜 Six-Toes’ mum vaults the barrier and drops the ref with a Primark haymaker

🐕 The Labrador saves the day (again) and earns Man of the Match

🚓 Local police arrive and arrest the concept of fair play

So pour a pint, brace your earholes, and join Chapo for the official Hawk & Tun post-match report —where football occasionally happens between acts of violence.

💩 P.S. White Hearts finished with nine men.

💩 P.P.S. The ref’s still icing his bum.

💩 P.P.P.S. Sheffied is still 💩

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⚠️ Warning: Chapo’s back from COVID, Bomb’s been on the Staropramen, and somehow Paris, beer maths, and Jesus’ biscuit knees all make sense after ten minutes. Expect lager-fuelled logic, Essex League nostalgia, and more theology than Sky Sports could stomach.

In this week’s carnage:

🍺 Bomb swears he out-scored Gabriel Jesus “in the Essex Sunday League, mate”

💶 Chapo breaks down Paris pint economics (€8 happy hour / €14 sadness)

🤖 Chapo’s Amazon hub explodes mid-pod claims “AI rendering farm interference”

💬 AFTV roasted into orbit Lee Gunner declared “a twat”

😷 Chapo confesses to COVID, Wi-Fi exorcisms and a new German boss who quotes ’Allo ’Allo!

⚽ Saka praised, Mainoo compared, United Trey slandered, and the lads still find time to call Liverpool fans delusional

🚨 David Coote branded “90-grand wrong’un” and sentenced (by us) to rot

👕 Hawk & Tun FC update: new kits, new players, Man in Chair upgraded to a folding throne with dual beer-holders

🪓 Stick of Justice returns Bomb wields it like Thor with a hangover, smiting pundits, refs and anyone wearing a half-and-half scarf

🎭 Manager chat turns into life coaching: Mourinho ego analysis, Ranieri therapy, and Pep worship

😂 Bonus chaos: Victor Boniface’s four-girlfriend philosophy, kudos’ misplaced **** on Sky Sports, and Spurs still being Spurs

💖 Ends wholesome: shout-outs to US, German and Qatari listeners, Brentford’s mental-health benches, and Palace’s aftercare for academy kids before another “**** Sheffield” sign-off

Two WhatsApp warriors. One barely-contained bromance that would fail every BBC background check.

So crack a tin, brace your earholes, and join the world’s most chaotic pub-cast where football dies for your entertainment every single week, and there’s barely any rude writing on the toilet walls.

💩 P.S. Sheffield is still a shithole.

💩 P.P.S. Whilst Sheffield is still a shithole, guess who edits the descriptions and hasn’t given BOM the password to get in and change it?

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⚠️ Warning: Bomb still thinks bar staff are brain-dead chimps, Chapo’s been banned again, and somehow we’ve acquired both a DJ and a bloody vicar. There’s also a stag do, bad football takes, and enough chaos to pickle your nan.

In this week’s carnage:

🍷 Bomb wants a pint but calls the bar crew thick as pig shit

🛵 Chapo now “does weddings” (yeah, imagine that with his mouth)

⌨️ Chapo gets clattered by a munter on X and banned quicker than you can say “delete tweet”

🤣 We’ve discovered the effects button turns out it’s like ket for your ears, and not the good kind

💸 Guinness vs Ashi turns into the fiscal fight no one asked for

⚽ Football: butchered, shouted over, and laced with industrial-strength swearing (mostly Chapo)

So neck a pint, crank your cans, and let us volley this circus of bollocks square into your sweaty nut-sack.

We’re the Ranter Lads. Internet slags don’t say we didn’t warn ya.

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⚠️ Warning: Bomb loses his rag with Chapo (again), we rinse Man U, Lee Gunner’s still Lee Gunner, and the mighty Grimsby get their due.

In this week’s carnage:

🍷 Bomb’s patience snaps during Chapo’s latest life-fail antics

🛵 Chapo goes full rant mode at Lee “Skinny Harry Potter” Gunner

⌨️ Keyboard warriors pile on a 16-year-old (we’re not having it)

🤣 A 22-penalty shootout gets the Ranter Lads treatment

💸 Big shout to LFC Shane and all the legends who listen in

⚽ Yes, football is technically discussed… badly, loudly, and with plenty of swearing

So grab a pint, stick your cans on, and let the chaos volley you straight in the sweaty bollocks.

We’re the Ranter Lads. You’re welcome, internet slags.

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⚠️ Warning: Today’s sound quality is ropey. Not our fault, not our problem. We’ll fix it next time but let’s be real, you lot aren’t paying a penny for this anyway.

In today’s episode:

🍷 Bomb Taunts Chapo neck-deep in a tragic Chinese takeaway that looks like it came out the bin

🛵 Chapo gets mugged off by a hotel over his food extreme begging vibes from him, zero dignity

📅 A keyboard war: Dickhead Diddy vs. a Spurs fan… one of them leaves crying (no prizes for guessing)

🤣 Tottenham bottle it again, because being Spursy is a full-time job

💸 We “predict” the league winner and end up sounding like pissed-up fortune tellers with brain damage

⚽ And yes, football gets mentioned… badly

So grab a drink, slap on your headphones, and let the chaos kick you in the bollocks.

We’re the ranter lads. You’re welcome, you slags.

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In today’s episode:

🍷 Bomb develops a taste for bargain-bin Co-op wine

🛵 Chapo’s mouth could power a swear jar economy

📅 Social media you lot are officially a bunch of scammers

🤣 Sheffield Scots and Spurs fans… brace yourselves for that combo

💸 We try to work out why everyone’s suddenly flashing the cash and buying stuff

⚽ And yes we talk football, because of course we do

So grab a drink, slap on your headphones, and embrace the chaos.

We’re the ranter lads. You’re welcome.

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In today’s episode:

🍺 Bomb necks cider like it's a sport

🏍️ We argue (loudly) about whether riding or driving a Harley is correct

🎉 We throw down the gauntlet to social media "you lot are planning Chapo’s stag do"

🧠 We get real about mental health

😂 We absolutely rinse Sheffield (again)

🕊️ We attempt to solve world peace (obviously)

⚽ And yes, we chat football because we’re not animals

So crack open a cold one, chuck your headphones on, and join the chaos.

We're the lads. You're welcome.

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A-Bomb laments his limp tifo experience and longs for the return of Graham Souness armed with a shotgun. Meanwhile, Chappo discovers that Patricia is actually Karen, and learns that to truly understand England, you must first infiltrate a rural Facebook group. We dive deep into the mysteries of Hawaii, where eggs are priceless and Sarah the Egg Lady allegedly gives her chickens foot rubs. Yes, really. Naturally, there’s football talk—Liverpool get their flowers—and we try to keep up with the chaos.

Oh, and a public service announcement: never forget—Sheffield’s women favour cherry vapes and possess ankles the size of which are the stuff off legend.

It’s unfiltered, it’s unapologetic, and it’s all happening now. Buckle up

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In today’s episode: A-Bomb comes clean about sneaking two young lads into the pub (allegedly for educational purposes). Chapo wrestles with his inner demons and admits—brace yourself—he kinda likes Manchester. Both lads shed a tear for poor UTDtrey, who just can't catch a break. Meanwhile, Elon Musk has big plans for X, involving… grannies?

Elsewhere, Sheffield continues its reign as the UK’s premier baby-eating slum, the world of football gets even weirder, and Southend might just be the friendliest team on Earth (someone check on that). Oh, and Chapo’s found a delightful new murder hotel he’s dying to tell you about.

All this and so much more, in the funniest, most unhinged podcast you didn't know you needed.

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Just a quick update on the greedy Glazers and Ratcliffe, that scruffy bastard. Honestly, it’s a mess. The Glazers are still lining their pockets at the expense of the club, while Ratcliffe is playing his usual games, acting like he’s a savior while probably just out for the next big payday.

What a circus.

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In today's show, we take a grown-up look at the state of Manchester United's finances—diving beyond the headlines to unpack the numbers, the challenges, and what it all means for the club's future.

Are we about to see a change for the good?

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Today's show kicks off with a brief introduction to Manchester United's financial announcement—while A-Bomb is busy sunning his arse in the Mediterranean, and once again, Chapo is dishing out his infamous 'hawk and tun' update straight from a police car park. It's bound to be a right laugh unless you are the person with the chair to your head.

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In today's show,

The team dove into the ultimate debate: which Australian native animal would we take on in a brawl? A-Bomb was all in, insisting he'd swing a hammer at a funnel-web spider without batting an eye, while El-Chapo was dead set on toe-punting a wombat into submission. The hilarity didn’t stop there—our discussion veered off into the wild world of “Erling Haalans and his Glory-Hunting Father,” and Chapo lost his mind at the day rates electrician charge. Then things got really spicy when Bomb and Chapo clashed over whether kids under 10 should be served sherry or double expressos at partys, with some cheeky football banter thrown into the mix.

It was a rollercoaster of laughs from start to finish!

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On today's show, we dive into some truly thought-provoking (and slightly absurd) topics: the pros and cons of linesmen carrying guns—because why not spice up those offside debates? We ask the pressing question: why did Lee Gunner really move to Spain? We also explore goalkeepers with unique names like "Kinky" (yes, that’s a real thing), and ponder whether council sports facilities should be converted into grow facilities.

Of course, we’ve got a full roundup of all the drama, triumphs, and fiascos from the football world and lastly if you put the word "GANG" in front of a sentance why does it sounds sexual.

Finally, we’d like to dedicate this episode to the legendary Dennis Law—a true icon of the game whose legacy continues to inspire.

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In today’s episode, we say a heartfelt thank you, champion women’s rights and equality, and dive into the pressing issue of the nation’s staggering scone consumption. We also dish out nominations for the greatest people of 2024, alongside the not-so-coveted title of Biggest C%*T of the Year. Naturally, we’ll touch on Elon—future President of Planet Earth—and round things off with Chapo’s top tips on dodging the law when it comes to steroid shenanigans and poison escapades.

Stay tuned, it’s a wild one!

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In today’s show, we’re discussing a topic very close to our hearts: Men’s Mental Health Week. If you need someone to talk to, the Samaritans are always there—call them in the UK at 116 123 or visit samaritans.org. And remember, you can always reach out to us too. Let’s keep the conversation going.

On a lighter note, we tackle the big questions: Should a used condom really be grounds to cancel a game? Does Chapo have a point about Steve Cooper actually looking like a policeman? Did Bandit almost off his missus by whisking her away to South Wales during Storm Burt—or, if not, what were his alternatives?

All this and plenty more chaos on your favourite, The Football Ranter podcast!

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In today’s episode, we dive into why Mancunians are suddenly considered Germans instead of their usual "bin dipper" label. Meanwhile, Chapo manages to get himself arrested (again), and Bomb discovers that referees can throw around all sorts of insults, including calling players C$%ts, without anyone batting an eye. Over in Hampshire, Southampton defenders are busy racking up red cards, which feels fitting since, let’s be real, Southampton is a shithole. And what’s the latest drama with Northern DT? Chapo morphs into a full-on tech guru, messing up the podcast by stripping out the music, then scrambling to put it back in, all while turning his mum's basement into a makeshift concert hall (we still don’t know how that’s even possible).

Tune in for all this chaos and more on the Football Ranter Podcast!

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Just a heads-up, everyone—we've finally cracked the code on our editing platform, so brace yourselves for a flood of content on your timelines. Yes, we’re thrilled to have stumbled upon a winning formula (after only about a hundred attempts) that we can totally build on. And no, I’m not expecting anyone from Sheffield to get excited or even have the capcity to read, since we all know it’s basically the UK’s preferred dumping group for the nation’s dullards and imbeciles. Oh, and speaking of imbeciles—Trump again? Seriously? What is it with you people—do you all hail from Sheffield?

Buckle up for another Rant abour loads of Stuff

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