⚠️ Warning: The Buttock Derby delivered everything the FA handbook explicitly forbids fake kits, flying handbags, and a referee who pulled his hamstring halfway through booking a man with extra toes.

In this week’s carnage:

🥴 Irish Ken’s “Real Madrid” shirts disintegrate before kick-off

⚽ Meoff actually plays football, then immediately regrets it

🦶 Six-Toes Derek scores, two-foots, and re-enacts Mortal Kombat

🍑 Referee’s left cheek explodes mid-card-wave

🪓 Tony brandishes the Stick of Justice while flogging knock-off air-fryers

👩‍👜 Six-Toes’ mum vaults the barrier and drops the ref with a Primark haymaker

🐕 The Labrador saves the day (again) and earns Man of the Match

🚓 Local police arrive and arrest the concept of fair play

So pour a pint, brace your earholes, and join Chapo for the official Hawk & Tun post-match report —where football occasionally happens between acts of violence.

💩 P.S. White Hearts finished with nine men.

💩 P.P.S. The ref’s still icing his bum.

💩 P.P.P.S. Sheffied is still 💩

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.