Welcome to Episode 8 of It’s Not Me, It’s The Piano!—the only classical music podcast brave enough to ask, “What is a fugue, and should I get tested for it?”

In this musical fever dream, host Luis drags you through 800 years of music history with the grace of a harpsichord falling down a flight of stairs. From Gregorian monks humming into stone walls, to Romantic composers emotionally combusting into full orchestras, to Schoenberg reinventing music as a form of psychological warfare—this is your crash course in classical music, for people who don’t have the patience, pretension, or PhDs.

🎙️ Come for the jokes, stay for the sudden existential crisis about whether anyone actually knows what counterpoint is.

#ItsNotMeItsThePiano
#ClassicalMusicForIdiots
#DeadComposersGreatestHits
#FugueStateOfMind
#BaroqueAndUnwell
#MozartWasAPrankster
#SchoenbergRuinedMyLife
#PhilipGlassOnRepeat
#MusicalImposterSyndrome
#ConcertPretenderStarterPack
#ClassicalMusicIsHard
#IClappedBetweenMovements
#CadenzaConfusion
#PreSaveTheAlbumOrElse
#SurvivingSymphonies
#ModernMusicMadness
#OperaNextWeekHelpMe

Welcome to the war zone that is live classical music. If you’ve ever been personally victimized by an audience member who believes Mahler pairs well with a tuna sandwich, this episode is for you.”

🔍 In This Episode:
✅ How to Sit Through a Concert Without Becoming a Social Menace
✅ The Ancient and Forbidden Art of Knowing When to Clap
✅ Why Every Concert Hall Seat Was Designed by an Acoustical Sadist
✅ The Concertgoer Cough: Medical Mystery or Psychological Warfare?
✅ Exclusive Sponsor: Silent Snax™ – The Only Snack Approved by Beethoven’s Ghost
✅ PLUS: My Upcoming Album Release – Pre-Save Now or Risk an Eternity of Being the Person Who Clapped Between Movements!

#ItsNotMeItsThePiano #ClassicalMusicPodcast #ConcertEtiquette #WhenToClap #CoughingDuringMahler #CandyWrapperCrimes #ConcertHallSurvivalGuide

Luis, on the run from chamber musicians, seeks shelter in what he thinks is an abandoned practice room—only to discover it’s actually a percussionist’s lair. The walls are lined with timpani, gongs, and xylophones. But worst of all... the triangles. So many triangles. Are percussionists having too much fun? Are they even real musicians? And is the triangle part of a larger conspiracy?

🔍 In This Episode:
✅ Percussion Players: Are They Actually Having More Fun Than Us, And If So, How Do We Stop Them?
✅ Recorders: Why Do They Still Exist? A Historical and Psychological Inquiry
✅ The Triangle: Innocent Metal or the Orchestral Gateway to the Illuminati?
✅ Exclusive Sponsor: SmashEnvy™—The Ultimate Cure for Percussion Jealousy!
✅ PLUS: My Upcoming Album Release—Why You Must Pre-Save It, or Risk a Lifetime of Bad Page Turns!

🎙️ Luis: “If you've ever sat in an orchestra, hunched over 10,000 notes while the percussionist casually strolls in, plays one cymbal crash, and gets the same paycheck, THIS EPISODE IS FOR YOU. Also, if you’ve ever wanted scientific proof that recorders are an elaborate cosmic prank, we’ve got you covered.”

Chamber music: an elegant, intimate, and collaborative form of musical artistry. Or so the propaganda would have you believe.
The reality? It’s a psychological experiment in human endurance. It’s diplomacy with string players who refuse to agree on a tempo. It’s a war zone where the pianist is always ‘too loud,’ no matter the circumstance.

In this episode, I reveal the true nature of chamber music:
🎹 The Tchaikovsky Trio: A piece where the pianist must dominate an entire symphony orchestra that has been rudely condensed into two string players.
🎻 The Taneyev Trio: The musical equivalent of a black hole, consuming all light, joy, and stable time signatures.
🔥 The Chausson Concerto: One of the most unforgiving, terrifying, and near-impossible pieces ever composed. Chausson saw the pianist suffering and simply said, ‘More.’

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL.
This episode also includes:
🎭 The Anti-Singer Manifesto™ – A scientific exposé on why singers exist in an alternate dimension where time signatures are optional, breathing is a spiritual event, and pianists exist only to be blamed.
💊 VOCALBAN 3000™ – The World’s First Singer-Neutralizing Technology! Because your left hand was never meant to be an entire Wagnerian orchestra.
🎷 Woodwind Players & Their Sacred Reed Cult™ – A deep dive into why clarinetists spend four hours selecting a single piece of wood, yet somehow still forget their concert attire.

🎙️ LISTEN NOW, OR I WILL SEND A SOPRANO TO YOUR HOUSE TO WARM UP AT 5 AM. 🎤
(No refunds. No mercy.)

Did you know some of history’s greatest composers were also criminals? In this episode, we uncover the crimes behind the composers—murder, fraud, duels, and scandals. From Carlo Gesualdo’s bloody madrigals to Richard Wagner’s fugitive status, we bring you the chaos history books left out.

🎭 Expect:
✅ True crime, but make it classical.
✅ Over-the-top scandals from music history.
✅ 100% historically accurate chaos.

#ClassicalMusic #TrueCrimePodcast #CriminalComposers #MusicHistory #ComedyPodcast #ScandalousMusic #MusicCrimes #ItWasThePiano #HistoricalScandals #PodcastRecommendations #DarkHistory #MusicalScandals

🚨 WARNING: This episode contains extreme pedagogical trauma, unsolicited life advice from teachers who peaked in 1957, and fingering nightmares that will haunt you for years. Viewer discretion is advised.

Have you ever had a teacher who only speaks in abstract metaphors? One who expects your tiny human hands to stretch like Rachmaninoff’s? Or maybe the type who proudly declares “Back in my day, we practiced 18 hours a day and only cried twice”? If so, congratulations! You’ve survived piano pedagogy horror stories, and today, we relive them together.

In this episode, we navigate:
🎭 The Teacher Who Speaks Only in Metaphors (“Your phrasing must float like an autumn leaf questioning its existence.”)
🖐️ The Demonstrator With Hands the Size of a Steinway Lid (“Just reach the 13th! Relax your hand more!”)
⏳ The ‘Back in My Day’ Purist (“I once had a student who learned the entire Goldberg Variations in an afternoon with no sleep. You should try that.”)
🎤 Masterclass PTSD (Where your performance is merely an excuse for the teacher to reminisce about their youth.)
💊 Sponsored Pianist Medications! (Because Schubertium™ and Cadenzan™ might be the only things keeping us sane.)

🔥 PLUS: A special announcement about my upcoming album, featuring Brahms, and the sound of my neighbor aggressively banging on the wall at 3 AM.

Join me for an episode filled with trauma, laughter, and the deep realization that it’s not you… it’s the piano. (But sometimes, yeah, it’s you.)

🎧 Available now—because therapy is expensive.

EPISODE 2: “Why Are Pianists Like This? A Psychological Disaster in 88 Keys”

🎭

🔥WARNING: THIS EPISODE CONTAINS EXTREME PIANIST PSYCHOLOGY, UNHINGED PRACTICE ROOM CHAOS, AND AT LEAST THREE FAKE PHARMACEUTICALS. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.🔥

🎶 Why do pianists spendhours repeating the same four bars, only to forget them mid-concert? Why do wedevelop full-blown existential crises over a single fingering decision? Why does every pianist have at leastone catastrophic pre-concert bathroom story? And most importantly—WHY ARE WE LIKE THIS?

Join me as weunravel the psychological mysteries of pianists, explorethe horrors of the practice room, and relivethe five stages of musical suffering (Excitement → Confusion → Despair → Reckless Abandon → Delusion).

AND, as always, this episode isproudly sponsored byFERMATAMERDE 500—because when your concert program is insonata form, but your intestines are inpresto agitato, you need professional help.

🎧Listen now for pianistic chaos, questionable mental stability, and a brief moment of self-promotion where I demand that you pre-save my upcoming album (because I suffered for it, and so should you).

https://bio.to/LuisMagalhaes

Welcome to the very first episode of It’s Not Me, It’s the Piano!—the podcast where classical music meets chaos, comedy, and questionable career choices.

Every pianist knows the golden rule of survival: When in doubt, blame the piano. Sticky keys? It’s the piano. Wrong note? The piano. Complete memory slip? Clearly, the piano is out to get you.

🔥 In this episode:
The Top 5 Best Excuses for Your Next On-Stage Disaster
Why blaming the piano is an art form
The real reason we pretend to inspect the instrument after a wrong note

Oh, and a special shoutout to oursponsor, because nothing says “professional podcast” like having a proper sponsor.

Buckle up—this is only the beginning. And remember: It’s NOT you… it’s the piano. 🎶