In the latest episode of The Recovery Show, host Spencer and guest Patrick B delve into the question, “Is Al-Anon really for men?” Both men are Al-Anon members, yet they wonder why the program largely features a predominantly female membership. The episode was recorded aboard a cruise ship following the AA International Convention, where Spencer and Patrick had a candid conversation about their experiences and observations.



Understanding Men's Involvement in Al-Anon



Patrick opens the discussion by expressing his curiosity about why only about 15% of Al-Anon members are men, despite men being equally affected by alcoholism, either as family members or friends of alcoholics. Through personal anecdotes, Patrick and Spencer highlight their encounters with male participation in Al-Anon meetings. They share that despite the visible male attendance at some meetings, women continue to constitute the majority. 



Spencer recalls attending meetings where the presence of men contributed to a healthy group dynamic. Patrick observed that meetings with a higher percentage of men often provide enriching sessions filled with experience, strength, and hope. Yet, he also notes that entering a predominantly female setting can make men feel uncomfortable due to stereotypes and traditional gender roles.



Challenges and Cultural Norms



The pair examines societal expectations, where men have historically been taught to be strong, self-reliant, and the primary problem-solvers—a notion that can deter men from joining groups like Al-Anon where sharing feelings is encouraged. Patrick reflects on his own hesitance to join until he reached a point of desperation. Spencer, too, shares his struggles in breaking away from societal norms of masculinity to embrace the supportive environment offered by Al-Anon.



Exploring Solutions and Acceptance



To address the imbalance, Spencer and Patrick consider how Al-Anon meetings can be more welcoming to men. They question if the structure or content within the program might unintentionally cater more to women, thus alienating male members. They discuss the existence of male-focused literature within Al-Anon, citing the men's newcomer packet (K-23), which includes brochures that address men's unique challenges.



Patrick, reflecting on his recent experiences with meetings, has found Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) gatherings more balanced in gender representation. This observation provokes further consideration into how different recovery programs might naturally attract diverse demographics.



Conclusion



Spencer and Patrick conclude by emphasizing Al-Anon’s valuable impact on their lives and encouraging other men to genuinely explore what the program can offer. Spencer advocates for meetings to maintain resources like the men's newcomer packet and to foster an environment that is welcoming to all. Both men echo the sentiment not to leave before witnessing the personal miracles recovery can bring.



Links



Patrick had a copy of the Men's Newcomer Packet from Al-Anon. We spent a little time looking through it.



Upcoming topics



Coming are episodes on Steps 11 and 12. Please email feedback@therecovery.show or call and leave a voicemail at 734-707-8795, with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.









Transcript

We are all human, and as such, are imperfect. Step 10 challenges us to recognize when we are imperfect, and to make amends when necessary. Nancy reflects on a recent experience that challenged her long-standing beliefs and provided a profound learning moment.



She begins by recounting an incident that occurred while her son was visiting her and her husband. During the drive home, her dog unexpectedly leaped into her lap, causing her to swerve and damage a tire. Upon arrival, she fabricated a story about the tire spontaneously exploding, instead of admitting the truth. Nancy was overwhelmed with fear of judgment and her desire to maintain a certain image in front of her family. 



As Nancy shared the unfolding of her deception, she highlighted the role her past struggles played in her reaction. Fearful of appearing less competent, she clung to her false narrative, even after her husband expressed skepticism. Her story eventually crumbled under scrutiny, leading to an emotional confrontation at dinner. It was there that she finally admitted her dishonesty, apologized, and made amends to her family.



Nancy's experience illuminated deep-seated character defects and the continuous work required to overcome them. She was reminded that despite years in recovery, imperfection is inherent to humanity. The relief and forgiveness she received from her husband and son emphasized the transformative power of amends. 



Meanwhile, Spencer shared a revelation of his own, reflecting on an interaction with a neighbor that left him uneasy. He recognized his impulsive condemnation regarding a local issue, inadvertently placing his neighbor in an uncomfortable position. The incident spurred contemplation on his motivations and the importance of making amends even when it feels uncomfortable. 



Both Nancy and Spencer's stories illustrate the role of Step 10 in fostering self-awareness and promoting honesty. By diligently inventorying their actions and motives, they acknowledged their imperfections. The practice of making amends, they learned, is not just about repairing relationships but also about understanding oneself and committing to growth.



Both attest to the profound impact of journaling, viewing it as a powerful way to connect with their higher power and solidify their reflections. Writing allows them to articulate their feelings, confront their truths, and trace their progress over time.



Ultimately, their stories are a testament to the strength found in vulnerability and the relentless pursuit of progress over perfection. Both Nancy and Spencer remind us that regardless of our time in recovery, embracing our humanity and committing to ongoing self-examination is key to spiritual growth and personal peace.



Readings and Links



We read from Hope for Today, June 21, p. 173.



A listener sent a poem from Lincoln in the Bardo by George Saunders. (Note: if you buy through this link, we will receive a small commission for eligible purchases.)



Upcoming topics



We have upcoming episodes on Steps 11 and 12. How do you practice these steps in your life? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.









Transcript




[00:00:01] Spencer: Step 10 asks us to promptly admit it when we are wrong. How do we make this work in our life, in practice?

In 12-step recovery, Step 10 offers a framework for continuous improvement by encouraging individuals to take personal inventory and make amends when necessary. This step signifies the transition from initial recovery to an ongoing, lifelong commitment to spiritual renewal and growth.



Understanding Step 10



Spencer and Pat engage in a thoughtful discussion. We recognize that Step 10 is not simply a maintenance routine but a vital part of ongoing personal development. For Spencer, the initial phases of recovery, Steps 1-9, helped him understand and address his more significant issues and lay the groundwork for transformation. However, he recognizes that Step 10 is crucial to preventing a recurrence of previous mistakes and nurturing continual growth.



Pat shares her insights on Step 10, highlighting the importance of introspection and regular self-assessment. After progressing through the earlier steps, she experiences a sense of freedom and ‘lightness' by continually addressing her shortcomings. This step allows her to avoid the emotional weight of unaddressed issues, leading to an ongoing sense of empowerment and spiritual renewal.



Daily Commitment to Healing



Both Spencer and Pat underscore the importance of practicing Step 10 regularly. Spencer sees this as an opportunity for reflection and celebration of progress. However, he openly admits to struggling with establishing a consistent daily routine, noting that change does not happen overnight. He relates the step to maintaining physical health, drawing parallels to the commitment required for regular exercise.



Pat finds that addressing issues immediately as they arise proves effective for her. She shares personal experiences where acknowledging mistakes and making amends has strengthened her relationships and allowed her to grow. Her approach underscores the essential aspect of compassion and self-honesty when practicing Step 10.



### Practicing Compassionate Self-Inventory



Practicing Step 10 requires sincere self-honesty paired with kindness and understanding. Spencer appreciates the analogy of maintaining a “badly corroded automobile”—observing that it is about recognizing and addressing small issues before they become significant problems. This regular assessment ensures continued progression and prevents a return to old, detrimental habits.



Pat provides further insight into this practice by recalling past workplace experiences where she saw conflict as an opportunity for growth post-Al-Anon. By focusing on personal accountability and the willingness to make amends, she embraces Step 10's message of relying on perpetual improvement rather than perfectionism.



A Framework for Ongoing Growth



Spencer adds another layer by outlining how practicing Step 10 encapsulates the first nine steps. Recognizing mistakes, seeking help, examining personal actions, sharing with others, and making amends all represent elements of the program distilled into this ongoing practice. This approach highlights that Step 10 empowers individuals to apply their entire recovery journey to daily life, maintaining personal growth and minimizing backsliding into past behaviors.



Conclusion: A Pathway to a Fruitful Life



Ultimately, Step 10 is a powerful tool for maintaining momentum in personal recovery. It allows individuals like Spencer and Pat to continue evolving, engaging in honest self-assessment, and embracing new opportunities for enrichment. By taking responsibility for oneself and fostering a compassionate practice of self-reflection, those in recovery can approach life with a sense of liberation and hope for a better tomorrow...

We explore Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.. Marylou and Spencer have walked this path, and we share our personal experiences and insights. Heather also contributes her story, offering a poignant example of navigating amends with integrity.



Understanding Step Nine



Spencer initiates the discussion, after reading the first paragraph of the Step 9 section of the book How Al-Anon Works. We recognize that making amends is not simply about apologizing; it's about addressing guilt, healing relationships, and moving forward without the burden of past mistakes. Marylou expands on this by sharing her own experiences with resentment and the impact of her family's history of alcoholism.



Marylou's upbringing in a family affected by alcoholism left her grappling with resentment. She recalls the ongoing rivalries and the emotional weight of resentment she carried into adulthood. This lack of humility, as she reflects, stemmed partly from her perception of herself as more successful than her siblings, fueled by an absence of their mother during her formative years.



The Process of Making Amends



Both Marylou and Spencer discuss their respective journeys through making amends with their families. Spencer recounts how tackling his lingering resentment was pivotal for making amends to his wife and children. For Marylou, the process involved acknowledging her judgments towards her sister and the broader family dynamics.



For Marylou, the concept of living amends was crucial. She learned that genuine change in behavior was an amend in itself. Her story about finally approaching her sister with empathy, instead of judgment, underscores the power of understanding and compassion in healing family rifts.



Heather shares her experience of attempting to make amends with an ex-boyfriend, leading to unexpected challenges in her current marriage. Her story emphasizes the importance of being honest with oneself and with others, highlighting the delicate balance required in making amends without causing further harm. Heather also shares about trying to make amends with her sister, who was somehow never “available” for that conversation. She now has a different relationship with her sister, treating her with kindness and compassion, rather than trying to control her life.



The Purpose of Step Nine



Ultimately, the purpose of Step Nine is to set oneself free from guilt and resentment. Spencer reflects on the importance of not expecting forgiveness or gratitude from those we make amends to. Instead, the focus remains on keeping one’s side of the street clean and living in a way that prevents future harm. Marylou's journey resonates with this, embodying the idea that reclaiming her own actions for her own peace of mind is paramount.



Through their stories, Marylou, Spencer, and Heather provide invaluable insights into the complexities of making amends. Their experiences highlight that the journey through Step Nine is deeply personal, often painful, but ultimately liberating. This step encourages personal growth, humility, and the opportunity to mend our past while paving the way for healthier relationships.



Readings and Links



We read from How Al-Anon Works, pp. 59-61, Chapter 8, Step Nine, and from Courage to Change, p. 299, October 25. Spencer mentioned a portion of the Step 9 reading in Paths to Recovery, p 91.



Upcoming topics



Upcoming topics include Steps 10–12.

In this exploration of Al-Anon's Concept Four, “Participation is the key to harmony,” Spencer and Sarah look at how they participate in personal, group, and professional interactions. This concept, which consists of only five words, may initially seem simplistic, but we find depth when we relate it to our own experiences and explore its practical applications.



Finding Harmony in Participation



Sarah reflects on how participation had often meant stepping back or isolating herself to avoid conflict, until she realized that harmony required her presence and contribution. With this awareness she turned to her higher power for guidance and recognized that her previous disengagement patterns had stopped serving her needs. Similarly, Spencer discusses how his tendency to withdraw from conversations that didn't interest him led him to examine how active participation could improve his relationships.



Learning through Service



Both of us considered the role of service in learning how to engage meaningfully. We find that service within Al-Anon can serve as a safe environment to make mistakes and learn, without the pressure of being an expert. This aligns with the Al-Anon principle of mutual support and “progress, not perfection”. Through service, we both found opportunities for growth and recovery. As the Al-Anon booklet says, “When I got busy, I got better.”



Respect and Mutual Support



Another theme that emerged in our conversation is the importance of mutual respect. Genuine participation involves not just offering help but respecting others' capabilities and giving them the space to contribute. Spencer shares his past experiences of micromanagement and the impact of letting go, while Sarah recalls learning to curb her controlling tendencies during joint activities like cooking. This act of letting others express their talents freely often results in outcomes better than initially imagined.



We explore the fine line between participation and interference. Both Spencer and Sarah highlight instances where they had to step back, respecting others' roles and not imposing their ways. Our personal stories include relinquishing control over a longstanding service role or respecting a new participant's fresh approach, exhibiting trust in collaborative processes.



Conclusion



In conclusion, our journey through Concept Four gained us insights into how participation enhances harmony, be it in a family setting, a workspace, or a community, such as Al-Anon. As Sarah aptly summarizes, by seeking harmony rather than control, we align better with our recovery journey and personal growth.



Readings and Links



We read from How Al-Anon Works, Chapter 17, pp. 132-133.



Upcoming topics



We are continuing our series on the 12 Steps with Steps 9–12 upcoming. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.









Transcript




Intro



[00:00:01] Spencer: How is participation a key to harmony in our activities, in our relationships?



[00:00:07] Welcome to episode 433 of the Recovery Show. This episode is brought to you by Tony, Alba and Shira. They used the donation button on our website. Thank you Tony, Alba and Shira for your generous contributions. This episode is for you.



[00:00:25] We are friends and family members of alcoholics and addicts who have ...

In the journey of recovery, Step Eight is a pivotal stage where individuals courageously face the consequences of their past actions and begin the path towards healing. This step involves making a list of all persons we have harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them all. Through the narratives and reflections provided by Pat and Spencer, we gain insights into the transformational process of Step Eight.



Understanding the Need for Self-Reflection



Most people arrive at Step Eight with a varied understanding of responsibility, often distorted by past experiences and relationships. Initially, it may seem challenging to identify those we have harmed, as our previous focus may have predominantly been on the harm done to us. However, with introspection, it becomes clear that our actions, whether intentional or unintentional, have affected those around us. Recognizing this is the first step toward taking full responsibility for our actions.



Spencer’s experience highlights the struggle between intentions and impact, illustrating the importance of acknowledging how we might have hurt others, even when our intentions were pure. The self-awareness that we have been developing in the previous steps can now help us to see “our part” in the harms we have caused others.



Step Eight also offers a chance to unburden ourselves of undue responsibility. It invites us to look realistically at the effects of our actions, differentiating between what is genuinely our responsibility and what is not. This realization is essential for personal growth and for maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships.



Embracing a Spirit of Self-Love and Healing



This step asks us to find the willingness to right past wrongs. We may find that there are some to whom we cannot see ourselves making direct amends. But usually, with time and experience, we do come to be willing. We must be patient with ourselves in this process.



Integral to Step Eight is approaching it with a spirit of self-love and healing, avoiding feelings of guilt and shame. It's not about humiliating ourselves but rather about owning up to our actions and freeing ourselves from past burdens. As evidenced through Spencer’s story, making direct or living amends can lead to liberation from guilt and foster healthier future interactions.



Conclusion: Embracing Growth Through Step Eight



Step Eight is a significant milestone in the recovery journey, marked by reflection, responsibility, and a willingness to change. It is about viewing oneself and others with compassion, embracing the courage to make amends, and allowing healing to take its course. Through patience and continuous self-improvement, we gradually become willing and ready to amend past harms, paving the way for a life free from the constraints of guilt and shame. This journey towards understanding and self-growth leads to a fuller, richer recovery process, where both self-care and empathy for others coexist.



Readings and Links



We read from How Al-Anon Works, Chapter 8, The Twelve Steps, the section titled Step Eight, pp 57-59.



Upcoming topics



Our topic for next week is “in all our affairs”. How do you use your recovery tools and principles in your daily life? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecovery.show with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.









Transcript




Intro

We dive into the creative journeys of Karen B and Katie P, two singer-songwriters whose paths have been shaped by their experiences in recovery programs such as Al-Anon and ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families). In their stories, they share how personal recovery has enriched and informed their artistic expression, providing a platform for emotional exploration and healing.



Karen's Journey to Recovery and Music



Karen B opens up about her upbringing in an alcoholic household and how those early experiences laid the foundation for her creative and personal evolution. As a child of an alcoholic, Karen developed coping mechanisms like hyper-vigilance and people-pleasing, which she carried into her adult life and teaching career. Despite her success as a Spanish and ESL teacher, the emotional toll led her to pursue recovery in her twenties.



Her journey with ACA began through a recommendation from a church group leader during college. The meetings opened her eyes to the impact her upbringing had on her life. Later, she joined Al-Anon because she was trying to support her sister, but then she stayed for herself.



She started writing music as a teen, and over time, music became a vital outlet for processing her emotions. Although initially binary in her emotional awareness—feeling either overly joyful or angry—songwriting started to uncover a deeper emotional landscape for Karen. Music, like her Al-Anon meetings, became a therapeutic space where she could express her authentic self and connect with others on similar journeys.



Katie's Story of Self-Discovery and Music



Katie P shares a parallel yet distinct journey, with music as a longstanding part of her life. Growing up in a family affected by substance abuse, Katie was introduced to the party atmosphere early on, especially with a musician father who normalized alcohol consumption. It wasn't until adolescence that she began to see the darker side of these behaviors. Her father's health decline and eventual passing were pivotal moments that led her to Al-Anon.



Her first encounter with Al-Anon happened indirectly through Karen, marking the beginning of a profound shift in Katie's life. Al-Anon allowed her to break the isolation that often accompanies the complexities of loving someone who struggles with addiction. Through this process, songwriting became a spiritual practice for Katie—an avenue to process her emotions and connect with a higher power through the act of creation.



Intertwining Paths and Collaborative Growth



The meeting of Karen and Katie resulted in a rich collaborative partnership, initially through a band called The Bootleg Honeys. Despite the band facing typical musical group dynamics, the friendship that formed between Karen and Katie flourished. Their shared experiences in recovery not only bolstered their personal growth but also enriched their musical endeavors.



Their journey together evolved into a podcast, Supernova Support, that merges music with their recovery narratives. In their episodes, they explore themes of emotional sobriety, creativity, and mutual support, underscoring the transformative power of the arts in the healing process.



Karen and Katie's stories illustrate how recovery processes such as Al-Anon and ACA can deeply influence an artist's creative path. By addressing their pasts and embracing their artistic talents, both singer-songwriters have built a bridge from adversity to creativity. Their experiences highlight an essential truth: when each of us focuses on personal recovery and artistic expression, we can forge deeper connections with ourselves and others, transforming our past struggles into powerful creative forces.

In a world where substance use and addiction take numerous forms, support groups tailored to specific needs are invaluable. Mar-Anon is one such group providing support to those affected by cannabis use disorder in their loved ones. Inspired by the Al-Anon program, Mar-Anon offers a space for families and friends to find connection and understanding as they navigate the challenges posed by marijuana addiction.



A Journey to Recovery



Bart's personal journey began over 20 years ago with his attendance at Al-Anon meetings due to his son's struggles with alcohol in college. Despite initial feelings of alienation, Bart eventually found a supportive community where he could express his pent-up emotions freely. Years later, upon discovering his sons were struggling with cannabis addiction, he sought a similar space focused on marijuana. This led him to discover Mar-Anon in 2020. At that time, all the meetings had shut down due to the COVID-19 pandemic. 



The Growth of Mar-Anon



Before the pandemic, Mar-Anon's presence was minimal, primarily operating through email chains and Facebook groups with around 150 participants. Bart set up the first Mar-Anon online Zoom meetings during the COVID-19 pandemic. The shift to virtual meetings saw exponential growth in membership. Mar-Anon has grown to approximately 2,300 members, conducting numerous online meetings each week. Online meetings not only broadened its reach but also provided accessibility to individuals across different time zones, from the United States to Australia, and Europe to Mexico.



Mar-Anon is modeled after Al-Anon, utilizing its language and literature while substituting marijuana for alcohol. Mar-Anon  encourages education on cannabis use disorder. Members are also encouraged to attend open Marijuana Anonymous meetings to deepen their understanding of the addiction their loved ones face.



Unique Challenges of Marijuana Addiction



One significant challenge for Mar-Anon members is combating societal perceptions that trivialize marijuana addiction. Often dismissed as “just weed,” but the much higher THC content in current cannabis products is more likely to cause problems in those who use them.



These can include severe disorders like cannabis-induced psychosis and cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome (CHS). The latter can lead to extreme symptoms such as uncontrollable vomiting.



Conclusion



Mar-Anon plays a critical role in supporting families impacted by cannabis use disorder. For individuals seeking clarity and connection, joining a meeting could be life-changing. Support from others who truly understand the unique challenges posed by marijuana addiction can be a vital source of strength and hope.



If you or someone you know is grappling with the impact of a loved one's cannabis addiction, visiting the Mar-Anon website and attending a meeting can be the first step towards healing.



Readings and Links



Bart read from The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beatty, p. 359 (Dec 17). (Note: this is an affiliate link to Amazon. If you buy through this link, we receive a small commission.)



The Mar-Anon website is mar-anon.com.



The “3 Obstacles to Success in Al-Anon” can be found on pp. 20-21 of Al-Anon and Alateen Groups at Work (free PDF download).



Nora wrote about Father Bill, who teaches 2-way prayer, and is also an AA historian.

Grief is an inevitable and multifaceted part of life that can touch us in many ways, far beyond the loss of a loved one. In this episode, we explore how the principles and tools of recovery can help us find relief from grief by accepting change, embracing emotional growth, and connecting deeply with others.



Understanding Grief and Relief



At the heart of grief we experience a wide array of emotions—one of which can be relief. The initial experience of grief often involves denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, often occurring not in a linear progression but rather in complex, overlapping waves. We recognize that grief doesn't solely follow death; it can also emerge from other profound losses, such as the loss of dreams, relationships, or childhood events.



Personal Reflections on Grief and Recovery



Eric and Spencer share personal stories and insights that reflect on the diverse nature of grief. Eric discusses the painful experience of having to enforce boundaries with a deeply troubled loved one, while also experiencing an unexpected relief akin to serenity. Spencer reflects on the grief associated with his parents’ dementia, finding kinship in relief when suffering ends.



Sharing from the Community



Community stories illustrate the breadth of experiences with grief and recovery. Pam shares her journey of losing her sister to alcoholism, finding solace in program tools and ongoing work on transforming losses. Similarly, Molly likens grief to a wave, emphasizes the importance of awareness, acceptance, and the ability to allow and breathe into it. Bruce reflected on the paradoxical experience of finding serenity while grieving a loss. Pete and Roberta both lost family and friends, and are diving into their recovery process to help deal with their grief and anger.



Program Tools for Coping with Grief



Recovery offers tools and slogans—like “One day at a time”, “Let go and let God”, and embracing detachment—that can help guide us through grief. We are reminded to focus on the present, accept what we can't control, and seek comfort in community. Through sharing, connections, and presence, we truly understand the sentiment that the best support lies not in words but in being there.



Wisdom from the Literature



The Al-Anon book Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses underscores the recurring nature of grief. It teaches us that as we grow and change, we inevitably experience loss—not only of loved ones but also of old selves and belief systems. Through this letting go, we create room for new dreams and find unexpected growth.



Conclusion



Ultimately, as we travel through grief—whether from the passing of loved ones or the letting go of dreams—the support of a recovery program provides invaluable guidance and companionship. By focusing on ourselves, embracing change, and accepting our emotions, we discover profound resilience and serenity even in the midst of sorrow. As we adjust to what is, we build new dreams and find hope for the future, always remembering that we are not alone on this journey.



Readings and Links



We read from Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses, pp. 50-51 and 98-99.



Learn more about the 211 help resource that is available throughout the USA at https://www.211.org/.



Upcoming topics



We are working our way through discussions of the 12 Steps. The next one up will be Step 8. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email Show more...