We explore Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.. Marylou and Spencer have walked this path, and we share our personal experiences and insights. Heather also contributes her story, offering a poignant example of navigating amends with integrity.



Understanding Step Nine



Spencer initiates the discussion, after reading the first paragraph of the Step 9 section of the book How Al-Anon Works. We recognize that making amends is not simply about apologizing; it's about addressing guilt, healing relationships, and moving forward without the burden of past mistakes. Marylou expands on this by sharing her own experiences with resentment and the impact of her family's history of alcoholism.



Marylou's upbringing in a family affected by alcoholism left her grappling with resentment. She recalls the ongoing rivalries and the emotional weight of resentment she carried into adulthood. This lack of humility, as she reflects, stemmed partly from her perception of herself as more successful than her siblings, fueled by an absence of their mother during her formative years.



The Process of Making Amends



Both Marylou and Spencer discuss their respective journeys through making amends with their families. Spencer recounts how tackling his lingering resentment was pivotal for making amends to his wife and children. For Marylou, the process involved acknowledging her judgments towards her sister and the broader family dynamics.



For Marylou, the concept of living amends was crucial. She learned that genuine change in behavior was an amend in itself. Her story about finally approaching her sister with empathy, instead of judgment, underscores the power of understanding and compassion in healing family rifts.



Heather shares her experience of attempting to make amends with an ex-boyfriend, leading to unexpected challenges in her current marriage. Her story emphasizes the importance of being honest with oneself and with others, highlighting the delicate balance required in making amends without causing further harm. Heather also shares about trying to make amends with her sister, who was somehow never “available” for that conversation. She now has a different relationship with her sister, treating her with kindness and compassion, rather than trying to control her life.



The Purpose of Step Nine



Ultimately, the purpose of Step Nine is to set oneself free from guilt and resentment. Spencer reflects on the importance of not expecting forgiveness or gratitude from those we make amends to. Instead, the focus remains on keeping one’s side of the street clean and living in a way that prevents future harm. Marylou's journey resonates with this, embodying the idea that reclaiming her own actions for her own peace of mind is paramount.



Through their stories, Marylou, Spencer, and Heather provide invaluable insights into the complexities of making amends. Their experiences highlight that the journey through Step Nine is deeply personal, often painful, but ultimately liberating. This step encourages personal growth, humility, and the opportunity to mend our past while paving the way for healthier relationships.



Readings and Links



We read from How Al-Anon Works, pp. 59-61, Chapter 8, Step Nine, and from Courage to Change, p. 299, October 25. Spencer mentioned a portion of the Step 9 reading in Paths to Recovery, p 91.



Upcoming topics



Upcoming topics include Steps 10–12.