Show Notes: Child Sleep: The 3 main causes of child sleep problems

Child sleep became an obsession for me back in my worst sleep-deprivation days. So I did what most PhD Psychology students would, I researched. Why do babies wake so often? Is it really necessary? When can I expect to get a run of 8 or even 5 hours sleep again? What can I do to speed that process? Then I began interviewing experts. Finally, it began to come together. I was able to cut through what I had learned to discover the 3 main causes of child sleep problems that really seem to underpin it all. Best of all, each of the three causes has fairly clear solutions. The thing is, every solution needs a level of perseverance, and solutions to one cause, do not help with the other two. The outcome: you need to find the cause and choose a fitting solution that you have the energy and will to stick to for at least a week. I built these causes and all the solutions I could find into the Sleep Options Wizard, presented them at local preschools, and now, I am sharing them with you.
Summary
The 3 main causes of sleep issues:

Physical

Biological Sleep Processes (Circadian Rhythm and Sleep Pressure) This is the first place to look!
Medical issues

Not addressed by the Sleep Options Wizard apart from night terrors, nightmares, sleep apnoea (look into this if your child snores), and head banging.


Physical comfort - hunger, heat, wet, itchy.
Solutions: Change timing of sleep, or physical environment (temperature, lighting, clothes) as appropriate. Ask a medical professional for medical issues.


Emotional

Fear, anxiety, excitement...
Common triggers: Separation, processing daily emotions, loss of security, a major change, a recent or anticipated exciting game or event.
Solutions: Start during the day (with empathy, emotion coaching, and the 3 Skills to Teach during the Day for better sleep at Night), then a gentle, gradual bedtime approach bed-time (for example, using the Sensible Sleep Solution), and only then overnight if necessary.


Habitual

Falling asleep habit/association e.g. co-sleeping, rocking to sleep, patting to sleep

These habits are not problems - If you and your child are happy, continue and enjoy.
Only a problem if:

You don't enjoy it or have time for it.
It causes night wakings where your child wants help back to sleep, and these are not allowing you the quality sleep you need.




Boundary testing - Independent thought, preference, or action is a new skill that 3-5 year olds want to practice over and over (www.practicalresearchparenting.com/boundary).
Solutions: Incorporate reasonable choices during the day and as part of the bedtime routine. Set and communicate clear expectations using Modelling for children 6 months and older (www.practicalresearchparenting.com/model).



The Sleep Options Wizard is a guidance tool to help you diagnose the cause (in a bit more depth) and choose a solution. The solutions above are just a few of many gentle approaches.

Links

Sleep Options Wizard
The first step in any good sleep intervention (Physical) video and email series.
Podcast on Sleep Apnoea (Check this out if your child snores regularly).
3 Skills to Teach during the Day for better sleep at Night.
Sensible Sleep Solution
Boundary Testing
Communicating expectations.

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Show Notes: Autonomy Supportive Parenting Style Part 4

This is the fourth and final part of the interview with Professor Genevieve Mageau. We talk about beliefs behind autonomy support, what hinders autonomy support, transitioning from a controlling to an autonomy supportive style, and the book and workshop series "How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and How to Listen so Kids will Talk".

Listen to Autonomy Supportive Parenting Style Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 first.

I intend to start running a workshop series on How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and How to Listen so Kids will talk. If you are interested, sign up for the downloadable tip sheets in the meantime via the link above, and I will let you know when workshops start.
Summary
Beliefs behind Autonomy Support

Organismic Trust makes it easier to take the child's perspective and take a supportive rather than coercive role.

Trust that children will develop at their own pace.
Trust that children want to co-operate.
Trust that children want to learn.


Think in terms of long term goals ("I want my child to learn to take responsibility for her things", rather than "I want this room clean NOW!")

Inform of expectations.
Give a chance to do better next time.


Focus more on learning than performance. (Mistakes become learning opportunities, not failures.)
Taking a child's perspective is key.

Give relevant choices.
Empathise.
Consider preferences.



Barriers to Autonomy Support

High stress level.
Worries for child's future.
Daily hassles.
Controlling behaviour can be rewarding. Authority figure. Taking action. Can reduce stress.
Hinging our self-esteem on our children's success.

Everyone has more controlling, and more autonomy supportive days. We can feel guilty for our bad days. We need to show ourselves the same compassion that we want to show our children.
Changing towards an autonomy supportive parenting style
Children with more difficulty learning/ behaving, are often the ones who most benefit from Autonomy Support. However, a sudden transition is unlikely to be successful. Children who are used to controlling parenting/teaching need more structure initially. Reflecting their feelings, showing that you get them, is especially important to develop the atmosphere of co-operation.

Autonomy support helps children to develop values, rather than looking to the leader for direction. This becomes particularly important when, as adolescents they start looking more to their peers than their parents for guidance.
How to Talk so Kids will Listen and How to Listen so Kids will Talk
A book and workshop series that helps incorporate autonomy support into all areas of parenting. Including when children are distressed, or don't want to co-operate. It teaches 30 skills, 27 of which can be implemented from a very young age.

The book was written by two parents, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, in 1980. It was inspired by a parent workshop on empathic limit setting run by Psychologist Haim Ginott, author of Between Parent and Child, and the researcher who inspired today's definition of autonomy support.

How to Talk so Kids will Listen and How to Listen so Kids will Talk is still the second most popular parenting book (affiliate link - thank you). It includes involvement and structure in an autonomy supportive way. There is also How to Talk so Teens will Listen and How to Listen so Teens will Talk, but the principles are essentially the same with different examples.

About the workshops

7-week program of 2 hours per week workshop time.

Show Notes: Autonomy Supportive Parenting Style Part 3

This is the third part of the interview with Professor Genevieve Mageau. We talk about using routine charts, and some of the risks and alternatives to sticker charts. We also look at limit setting for boundary testing behaviour, and addressing frequent misbehaviour.

Listen to Autonomy Supportive Parenting Style Part 1 and Part 2 first.


Summary
Routine Charts

Routine charts can be helpful because they are informational.
Consider your child's competence?

Is s/he able to work through the routine independently.
Do you need to remind your child to look at the next step?
How much help does your child need to complete each step?


If there are frequent problems, problem solve.
Accept that when control is given to the child, there will be mistakes.

Provide reasons why they need to complete the routine.
Allow natural consequences. For example schedule some playtime at the end of routines. If the routine takes too long, there is less time for play.
Be prepared to help your child cope with failure (empathise without fixing or blaming).
Avoid rushing (make sure your expectations are realistic) - leave time for mistakes by waking earlier if you have to.
Make sure children are capable of all steps.



Sticker Charts

Consist of 2 components:

Informational competence feedback (can be motivating, but also has the potential to undermine feelings of competence, which can be demotivating)
Controlling element


When sticker charts are seen as encouraging and playful - sticker charts can have positive outcomes BUT,
It is hard to predict how they will be perceived.

Initially they may work well because they are exciting and provide clear information on what is done well.
Some days they may be seen as an attempt at control, and incite resistance, e.g. after an argument, or in the context of other demands.
The more parents emphasise the contingency of the reward, the more controlling it can feel "e.g. Come on, get dressed, don't you want your sticker today?"


Can create a transactional parent-child relationship.

Children have the right to refuse the reward to not do the behaviour.
The focus is on external contingencies rather than the importance or meaning of the behaviour


If the reward is blown if they fail once or twice in a week, there is no reason to keep trying for the rest of the week.

Part of what differentiates sticker charts from to-do lists is that children feel really bad when they can't add a sticker.



Sticker Chart alternative
Describe the behaviour that is done right. E.g. "I see a child who came home, and took out his homework straight away. That is what I call taking responsibility".

Describe what your child does well, rather than evaluating them.

Avoid evaluations e.g. "Good girl/ boy".
Limit-setting and boundary testing behaviour

Create a climate of co-operation.

Listen with compassion and respect.
Punishment doesn't work. It undermines this climate.


Describe the problem (without evaluation, blame, or accusation).
State feelings without too much intensity.
Offer different choices of acceptable behaviour.
Take action to solve the problem.

Trouble-shooting

If this problem re-occurs frequently, use problem solving.
If children are frequently misbehaving, look first at the climate of respect.

Links

Show Notes: Autonomy Supportive Parenting Style Part 2

This is the second episode talking with Professor Genevieve Mageau about Autonomy Supportive Parenting. In this episode we examine what to do when children won’t listen, how to address ongoing problems, more on providing structure, and enforcing limits in an autonomy supportive manner, and the difference between psychological and behavioural control.

Listen to Autonomy Supportive Parenting Style Part 1 first.




Summary
What if our child is not listening?
"I have found that when I engage with Alex's game, and then ask for his help, he tunes out as soon as I change the topic to cleaning up."

Genevieve's advice was as follows:

You do not have to listen forever.
To help the message get through you can send a note (a fun way of getting attention), or get close, put a hand on his shoulder, and point.
Pick your battles - decide how important picking up the shoes is to you.

It is easier to accept rules that are easy to justify.


Autonomy supportive communication first:

Listen to perspective
Acknowledge perspective
Give reasons
Provide age-appropriate choice (e.g. do you want to clean up now, or after the game?)


Clearly state expectations. "We agreed that..."
Express your feelings "I feel ... when..."
Help them to achieve the goal.

"How can I help you to..." e.g. "Would it help if I put on some music?"


Provide structure - if you don't enforce your rules, why would they learn or stick to them?
Focus on solving the problem, not punishing the child. For example...

Gently guide.
You may need to remove distraction until the goal is achieved.
The goal is to solve the problem, not punish the child.


Be proactive by deciding on rules in advance. For example do you want to clean up after each game? Every afternoon? Do parents know the policy? Do our children know the policy?

Once you decide on a rule, communicate it (in an autonomy supportive way), then coach and remind.


Invest time helping kids to learn the rules and learn problem solving.

Ongoing or reoccurring problems
Use collaborative problem solving when everyone is calm:

Listen to your child's feelings about it.
Express your feelings about it (and why you feel that way) without placing blame or accusing.
Brainstorm and write down ideas without judgement (write them all down, no matter how impractical).
Select different options - explore consequences and give explanation when crossing out options.

Don't try to convince the kids that the rule is important - just providing information is sufficient.
Behavioral control versus Psychological control

When parents try to control psychological elements of their child, including thoughts, feelings, preferences, this leads to the most negative impact.
It is important to allow children to explore disturbing thoughts and opinions, listen so it can pass.

For example "I hate my little sister!"
Don't deny it or try to convince them that it is not true.
React emphatically, without judgement.
You can try changing it a little: "Oh you are really angry at your sister"
This may be met with a rebuttal, in which case you can acknowledge that feeling, and extrapolate the impact of it e.g. "Oh, you hate her, that must be difficult"


Even with strong feelings we can put limits on the behavior.

Use empathy, non-judgemental information, warmth towards both children.

E.g.

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Show Notes: Autonomy Supportive Parenting Style Part 1

3 key components of successful parenting are parental involvement and age-appropriate structure, provided in an autonomy-supportive way. These are central components of the authoritative parenting style, and also satisfy the basic needs for human motivation and flourishing as defined by the Self Determination Theory. Through this series of 4 podcast episodes Genevieve Mageau helps us to translate this theory of autonomy supportive parenting style into concrete skills that we can practice.


Summary
Optimal Parenting Components
To flourish, to feel motivated, and self directed, people primarily need three conditions:
1. Relatedness (Also belonging, acceptance. warmth, connection)
Relatedness refers to our need for belonging. Parental involvement in their children's lives in a caring and accepting way, with love and warmth, fosters positive connection, and satisfies children's need to belong.
2. Structure (A means of developing competence)
Structure refers to clear rules and limits that parents are willing and able to enforce, high but realistic expectations, providing optimal challenges (which often involves providing support, or simplifying tasks for young children), and providing an environment that children have a reasonable degree of control over.
3. Autonomy
Autonomy refers to the way in which we are involved, and provide structure in our children's lives. It is a position that respects the child's unique character, feelings, preferences, interests, and perspective. Autonomy support grants children agency and ownership over their own behaviour, and allows them to be themselves. It is the opposite of attempting to control our children, being intrusive, or trying to make them be a certain person. It is not the same as permissive. We talk a lot about autonomy supportive limit setting, and enforcing those limits. It is also not the same as independence, more about the development of healthy interdependence.
How to have an Autonomy-Supportive Parenting Style.
Key components are:

Be empathetic, genuinely try to understand your child's perspective and feelings, truely listen and explore his point of view. Welcome all feelings, while setting limits on behaviour. (Anger is allowed, hitting is not).
Be descriptive and informational in your comments, not evaluative.

Focus your comments on the problem, rather than placing blame. E.g. "There are shoes all over the floor".
Provide rationales. E.g. "We can trip on shoes and it can really hurt us."


Support active participation.

Actively listen to your children.
Involve children in decisions and problem solving,
Provide capacity-appropriate choices.



Autonomy support for pre-verbal children
Even with babies we can make controlling or autonomy supportive actions. Controlling behaviour is putting a toy right in the babies face such that she has to look at it, an autonomy supportive approach would be to play with the toy in view but just to the side, so that the baby can choose to look at it. Similarly you can force a toy into a young baby's hand or offer it to him. In addition you can...

Provide age appropriate choices (not do you want to brush your teeth, but teeth first? Or bath first?)
Allow your child their own way of doing things (often this is the slow way).
Empathise (allow, and accept all feelings).

Show Notes: How to Help your Sensitive Child to Thrive

This is the second episode on understanding and raising a highly sensitive child (The first episode in the series is here). We get some great tips on helping our children to function socially in a society that values being tough, learn more about Equine Assisted Learning, and discuss mindfulness and counseling as a highly sensitive person.


Summary
For the foundations, check out the first episode on Highly Sensitive Children.
How can Highly Sensitive Children (HSC) thrive in societies that value being tough?
Common phrases in these societies might be "When the going gets tough, the tough get going", "You're too sensitive", and "I'll give you something to cry about".

Parent and child need to understand that highly sensitive people process the world differently.
It is appropriate for HSCs to hold back, and take time to process before they are required to respond and react.

Visit the new school before the first day.
Minimise the number of new experiences experienced at one time.



Rhesis monkeys have society and parenting styles very similar to humans.

Researchers allocated "uptight" (Highly Sensitive) infant monkeys to responsive or unresponsive parents.
"Uptight" infants with skilled, responsive parents thrived and became the leaders of the group.
"Uptight" infants with unresponsive parents they were the lowest functioning in their group. (1)

Should parents be helping HSCs to "harden up"?

HSCs have differential susceptibility. That means negative and positive experiences affect them more than non-HSCs.
Everything we do to help support HSCs to have positive experiences have great effect.
In contrast forcing scary/noisy/overstimulating experiences on HSCs can make things a lot worse.
Teaching, learning, and modelling self-care is really important. Avoiding hunger, getting good sleep, scheduling in time out etc.
With a childhood that honors sensitivity, HSCs can grow into really amazing adults.

Equine-assisted learning

Equine assisted Growth And Learning Association (EGALA) model.
Alane Freund met Elaine Aron, the original researcher on high sensitivity, through horse riding.
EGALA is ideal for HSPs because they tend to do well in nature and love animals.
Alane and Elaine developed workshops: "HSPs and Horses". Alane became certified as therapist for HSPs in addition to Marriage and Family Therapist and EGALA training.

Workshops are comfortable, they encourage people to take breaks and snack throughout.



Alane Freund

Has been horse training and riding since childhood.
Her high empathy for others led naturally into counselling.
Has been a Marriage and Family Therapist for about 25 years.

Counselling as an HSP

Can be very confronting.
Alane found it helps to envisage a beautiful box inside her during client sessions. She opens the box to receive the client's experience and thoroughly explore it during the session. Then when the session is finished, she closes the box.
When seeing clients with an HSP's level of depth, we cannot accept the same level of case load.

Mindfulness

Can help, but can also be problematic because HSCs are deep thinkers, they can get lost in their own thinking.
Focusing on nature can really help.

Links

Patreon Support Page at https://www.patreon.com/PracticalResearchParenting where you can help me to continue these podcasts for you and millions of others.
Self test for adults and children at hsperson.com

Show Notes: How to Help your Sensitive Child to Thrive

Do you have a sensitive child? Does she have major melt-downs especially after high excitement, or in a new or crowded place. Does he notice the little things? Does she sometimes seem shy? Being a sensitive child, and a sensitive person is a wonderful thing, if we just craft our environment and actions. Listen to this interview with Alane Freund to discover how to help your sensitive child to thrive.

Listen to this episode first, then check out How to Help your Sensitive Child to Thrive Part 2 here.
Summary
Highly Sensitive Children
Highly sensitive people are distinguished by the following characteristics:

Depth of processing: Reflect more than others about the meaning of life, decisions, ideas etc.
Over stimulation: Notice everything and therefore get overstimulated easily.
Emotional Responsiveness and Empathy: Stronger emotional reactions, easily moved to laugh, or cry.
Sensitive to subtle stimuli: Notice moods, subtle sounds, smells, tastes.

Sensory Processing Sensitivity Trait
Highly sensitive people and children are those with the sensory processing sensitivity trait. This trait is:

Common across species: Found in 15-20% of over 100 species, possibly present in all species.
Innate: Animals and people are born with it.
Adaptive: Every species need highly sensitive members to warn them of danger, to survive threats, and think more deeply about things.
Even present in prey animals: All horses are sensitive because they are prey animals, but still 15-20% are more highly sensitive. Tend to be more spooky, challenging, and don't like to be touched.
Equally common for males and females at least in humans.
Observed in both extroverts and introverts: 70% of HS people are introverts.
Expressed differently depending on the person/animal and environment.

Major advantages
Highly sensitive children and people are really wonderful as long as they look after themselves and limit over stimulation:

Ask really insightful questions.
Think deeply about issues.
Detect and warn of danger.
Stop to smell the roses.
Empathise and make deep connections with others.

Possible developmental challenges
Highly Sensitive Children experience similar developmental stages to other children, but these can be amplified. For example they can be (but aren't always):

Particularly fussy eaters.
Perfectionists: Prefer to do something once and make sure it is done right.
Difficult sleepers: Sleep difficulties due to over stimulation and over arousal. Screens and caffeine (even from chocolate) can be especially problematic. Can have greater sleep need.
Experience Social Challenges: Need to process new situations and places before entering and engaging with them.
Labelled "Shy": Can become labelled as shy. Tend to prefer quiet play.
Prone to tantrums, meltdowns, and other challenging behaviour when over stimulated: E.g. Get over stimulated when children at preschool get too loud and busy.

Parenting Challenges
Parenting a highly sensitive child can be challenging. In addition to the points above:

Childhood looks very different for a highly sensitive child. Some parents can struggle to accept this. E.g. HSC's may not want big birthday parties.
Hard to access the amount of patience that a highly sensitive child needs.
If an HSC's needs aren't met, behaviour becomes challenging
Takes longer to move into new environment.
Can still meltdown from overstimulation even when changes are gradual, they are well slept, and well fed.

If you suspect you have a highly sensitive child,

Show Notes: Sibling Rivalry with Dr Laura Markham Part 2

The second in a Two Part Series with Dr Laura Markham where we learn how our parenting behaviour can influence the relationship between our kids, and facilitate sibling rivalry, or sibling friendship. If you missed the first in the series, listen to Part One here. You can find more wonderful resources from Dr Laura Markham at Aha! Parenting, including heaps of amazing free content, the two books we discuss here: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, and Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings, as well as lots of great audio content and a parenting course.
Summary
Sorry about the poor audio quality. The content is well worth it! If you want a transcript, please click here and enter your email address so I can let you know when it is ready.
What Undermines Sibling Relationships?
Taking Sides

The target of blame feels like a bad kid. - Like you don't love them. - So they pick on the other sibling.
The defended child doesn't learn to stand up for himself. Instead learns to call you to solve any issues, and begins to worry if the other child is appreciated (in case it is a role reversal).

Solutions

In the moment: Keep it even. E.g. When you hear commotion “Is everyone having fun in there? It sounds like someone isn’t liking this.”

Coach self-defence: “Honey, you don’t look too happy about this. You can tell your sister if you don’t like this game.”
Empathise with both aggressor and victim: “You love doing x, but it seems he isn’t liking that very much.”
Invite solutions: “So what else could we do. How about your toys play the students?”
Set limits: e.g. “No pushing, pushing hurts”.

Preventative Maintenance: Spend one on one time with each child. Aggression comes from fear.


Punishment

If we use punishment to teach lessons, our children will also use punishment to teach lessons.
Children don't learn well when they are emotional. They learn when they are calm.
Punishment makes the child feel unsafe, and escalates emotional disregulation.
Punishment also sends the message that love is conditional on good behaviour.
What children learn from smacking is that physical aggression is part of intimate relationships.

Solutions

Phase 1: Damage control and calm down. You cannot teach during this time.

Phase 2: Connect with your child.

Phase 3: Problem solving.


Time Out
Time out was developed as a very good alternative to spanking. It is based on behavioural psychology, but children are much more complex than rats.
The problems:

Assumes that the behaviour is chosen. Mostly children lash out because they are emotionally disregulated.
Sending your loved ones away when they most need support undermines connection, and inhibits emotional processing.
Due to the perceived love withdrawal, children misbehave more in the long run and moral development suffers.
Children who calm down alone tend to repress their emotions.
Time out doesn't deal with the source of the behaviour. The emotions are still there, and will flare up and affect behaviour.

Solutions

Time to calm down is important, but that can be done with time in and emotion coaching.
Use emotion coaching – acknowledge their emotions, listen to their point of view.
Humans respond to influence and connection more than punishment.

Children want a warm relationship with you more than anything else.
If you have been punishing, the first step is to restore that relationship.


If a child is grumpy due to hunger, we feed him, we don’t worry about whether we are rewarding the misbehaviour....

Show Notes: Sibling Rivalry with Dr Laura Markham

Your son snatches a toy from your daughter. What do you do? Snatch it back? Coerce? Time out? I discuss peaceful, coaching-based approaches with world-leading expert on evidence-based peaceful parenting, Dr Laura Markham. Laura shares what we can do to prevent sibling rivalry and foster a good relationship between our children. We discuss common issues such as toy snatching, and aggression. This is the first of a two-part series on Sibling Rivalry. Please look out for the second part where we examine time-out and other parenting strategies that can potentially undermine the sibling relationship. You can find more wonderful resources from Dr Laura Markham at Aha! Parenting, including heaps of amazing free content, the two books we discuss here: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, and Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings, as well as lots of great Audio content and a parenting course.
Summary
Sorry about the poor audio quality. The content is well worth it! If you want a transcript, please click here and enter your email address so I can let you know when it is ready.
Peaceful Parenting

No one is peaceful all the time. Peaceful parenting is about making a commitment to using more peaceful parenting strategies including:

Regulating ourselves and our emotions - mindfulness.
Connection with your child. (Influence occurs through relationships).
Coach instead of control.


Not about manipulating, controlling, coercing, punishing, rewarding.
It is our job to get our children to do things they don't necessarily want to do, such as sleep, brush teeth...

It can be hard to use peaceful parenting in those situations if we have been raised in another way. We need to unlearn old habits and learn new approaches.



Sibling Relationships

Siblings do not naturally get along.

They see each other as competitors for finite resources (Mum and Dad's time, toys, etc).
They have poor self control and big emotions.
They lack language and experience.
Individual personalities can clash.


Parenting practices have a great deal of influence over the sibling relationship.

Make sure love and attention don't seem like scarce resources.

Preventative Maintenance - regular one on one time.


The more negative the relationship with the parent, the more negative the relationship is with the sibling.
Every time you interact with your kids (even when you are yelling and punishing), you are modelling how you deal with that child, how to approach interpersonal difficulties, and how to problem solve.



Parents can support the sibling relationship by:

Having a close relationship with each child (research says this is the number one thing). That way children are less worried that love is a scarce resource.
Specific modelling.

Child goes to take the rattle from the baby - say "Oh, that rattle looks like fun doesn't it! But Susanna is playing with it now. How about you ask her, say 'Susanna, can I have that please?'. Hmm. It's hard to tell whether she is finished with it, isn't it. How about we offer her another fun toy..."


What if you are too late? The toy has already been snatched.

Calm yourself: Deep breath.
Put an arm around each child.
Describe: "Oh, Liz is crying, I wonder what she's saying. Liz, are you saying you want your toy back?"
Interpret: "Alex, Liz is saying she wants her toy back".
Empathy: "Oh Alex, you want to play with it now, it looks like fun doesn't it."
Suggest a solution: "Why don't we find something to swap? I'll come with you.

Show Notes: What is Attachment?

What is attachment? Attachment isn't just about your relationship with your child, though that is important. It can predict how your child will approach future relationships, how close future friendships will be, and whether your child will seek support when under stress. Attachment is dynamic. It can change. So it is not something to stress about, but it is worth learning about. With Associate Professor Cathy McMahon, an expert on attachment theory, we explore what attachment is, and how it might interact with parent-child conflicts, controlled crying, and daycare choices.
Summary
What is attachment?

The way caregivers and infants connect with each other particularly in times of stress.
It predicts how relationships will be used to cope in times of stress.

How does attachment form?

Infants innately have a set of attachment behaviours that help them to achieve closeness e.g. crying, moving toward, clinging.
These behaviours are automatically activated when feeling threatened or distressed.
Signals trigger caregiving responses from the parent.
The pattern of parent's responses to these cues become an expectation.

Good enough parenting - emotionally available most of the time.


Those expectations are taken into future relationships.
Attachment is dynamic. It can change when parents become more or less emotionally available.

Is there something special about the first three years of life?

Yes, the first three years are a period of very rapid brain development.
Experiences in early years are very influential.
There is always potential for change, but it can be harder and more gradual later in life.

Types of Attachment:

Strange situation procedure - The mother takes her child to a room and leaves them there alone or with a stranger. Psychologists observe the child's response to separation and reunion.
3 common patterns:

Secure - distressed by separation, sought parent upon return, were easily calmed by parent, resumed play.
Avoidant - physiologically but not apparently distressed by the parent leaving, didn't react to return - just kept playing.

Parents tended to discourage closeness and redirect to play.
Competent at play but tend not to form close friendships, and more likely to have behaviour issues such as bullying.


Anxious/Ambivalent - very distressed by departure, show anger and upset when the parent returns, but the parent is unable to calm the child.

Can form if the parent is inconsistently available - so the child exaggerates or amplifies pleas for help.
Can also form if the parent is unsure, or unconfident about their ability to settle a child, or doesn't have the capacity to be responsive for long enough. So these parents give a bit of support, but not enough to calm the child.




Attachment doesn't predict everything, only future relationship approaches.
It is about the consistent interaction pattern (we all have bad days).
About 50-60% of mother-infant pairs develop secure attachment.
Insecure attachments are common, normal, and can be quite functional for that parent and child.

Effects of Attachment on later life:

Secure attachments are protective -

New relationships are approached with a positive set of expectations, that tend to be well received and invite closer friendships.
Willing to ask for help and then able to be fairly independent after receiving that help.


Avoidant -

Tend not to ask for support.
Tend not to get as close to people as could be good for th...

Show Notes: Angry Kids - Emotional or attention seeking?

Do you have angry kids at times? Does your child throw tantrums? Lash out? Is it attention seeking? Or emotional? Should we ignore the behaviour? Is empathising reinforcing the bad behaviour? I was wondering too, so I asked an expert: Dr Katherine Hurrell. Listen to her very insightful and evidence-based responses.

Sorry about my audio quality, I have identified the problem and it will be fixed next episode.


Summary
How is anger expressed?

Tantrums
Lashing out
Sulk
Cry
Whine
Storm off
Older children might use words to express anger including "I don't like that" or "go away"
Silent tantrums
Self-harm

What can we do with angry kids?

Teaching Kids how to deal with these emotions is very important.
Be present. Usually ignoring isn't helpful.
Don't try to reason when they're intensely angry.
When anger transitions to sadness then you can comfort and talk it through.
John Gottman is an expert in this field.
"Emotion coaching parents" have children with better social and emotional adjustment:

Respond in a supportive and warm manner to emotions.
Tune in to what their child is trying to express.
Listen with empathy.
Validate what their child is feeling.
Connect with their child to help resolve the distressing feeling.


Ignoring is often unhelpful, it leaves the child with emotions they don't understand and don't know how to cope with.
Ignoring can also increase risk of parental frustration and anger. This can result in a hostile reaction that escalates the anger.
Safety first, talk later if necessary. Communicate that anger is a natural emotion but violent reactions are not acceptable.
Label the emotion. e.g. "You are feeling very angry".
Validate why your child is feeling anger. e.g. "Your sister keeps knocking over the tower you are trying to build. That must be so frustrating."
Provide alternative responses. "I know you feel angry, but it is never OK to hit. Let's practice the Daniel Tiger Song." (I use this song all the time for my own emotional grounding. It is good modelling for the kids too).
Retain your boundaries. If the tantrum is about no icecream, don't give sweets.
Discuss emotions with your kids during and afterwards. Read stories. Model coping strategies.
Tantrum action plan:

1. Be present. Validate the emotion. Connect. (Even if the source of emotion seems tiny).
2. Once anger has subsided into sadness, problem solve:

Problem focused reactions - help to figure out ways to address the problem.
Emotion focused reactions - let them communicate their feelings, try to make them feel better.





What makes anger different?

Anger seems to be particularly difficult to emotion coach.
Parents tend to get angry.
It is seen as inappropriate or naughty behaviour.
Anger escalates.
Triggers fight or flight response.

How attitudes affect emotion coaching.

Parents who view emotions as OK, valid, and acceptable are more likely to emotion coach.
Parents who view emotions as harmful, toxic, and manipulative try to distract from emotions.
There are gender differences in what emotions and behaviours are socially acceptable.

By empathising are we also reinforcing the tantrum behaviour?

Possibly but...
It is generally unhelpful to assume that children are just attention seeking.
Often this behaviour is a consequence of children feeling overwhelmed and attempting to communic...

Show Notes: Prepare for Baby - New Workshop
If you want to prepare for baby, but don't know how, this workshop conducted by Laura Alfred and Erla Marx Newhouse will give you an opportunity to think about and discuss what life will be like with a new baby and help smooth the transition to parenthood. This podcast will give you an idea of what you can think about to better prepare for baby.

If you have missed the workshop (6 August 2016), this content will still be relevant to you, and please still check out the Parenting For Beginners Workshop link, because Laura and Erla may run more workshops in the future.
Summary
Why are Laura and Erla holding this workshop?

Laura Alfred and Erla Marx Newhouse are both therapists who are passionate about child development and life as a new parent.
Clients often presented with common adjustment problems for parents.
Laura and Erla want to pre-empt the problems before they become major.
The first year is a high risk time for couples, with a lot of conflict arising within the couple and with the extended family.
Usually difficulty for new parents is just adjustment, but it can become depression for 1 in 7 women, 1 in 10 men experience some sort of postnatal depression.
One of the risk factors for postnatal depression is having unrealistic expectations, which isn't helped by idealised images of happy babies and immaculate mums.
Preparation might make the transition smoother, so Laura and Erla are holding a workshop in Sydney, on the 6th of August 2016.

Babies have no conscious memory, so why is the first 3 years so important?

Interpersonal neuro-biology. The way the brain develops in the first three years of life are crucial in determining later social and emotional ability.

For more details check out Sue Gerhardt: Why love matters- how affection shapes the babies brain (affiliate link, thank you)


The brain is very plastic, especially in the early years, and is shaped by early experiences.
There is evidence that children raised in institutions, who don't form a secure attachment to a care-taker, have learning and interpersonal difficulties later in life.
It is important to facilitate attachment. Secure attachment does develop quite naturally, and develops overtime, so it shouldn't be a major source of stress or worry for parents.

Workshop

When and where

A full day event on the 6 August, at Crows Nest Community Centre, for Single parents to be, and expecting couples.


Content

Insights into how to meet the emotional needs of young babies and children.
An idea of what parents can expect to go through as they adjust to parenthood.
An understanding of how your upbringing might affect the kind of parent you will be.
Recognising when postnatal adjustment becomes depression.
Insights on what Dads can expect when the baby arrives.
Recommendations on how the navigate the minefield of recommendations from well-meaning relatives and the media.
Tools to help the couple discuss how the baby might affect their lives, from sex, to socialising, careers, income, and sharing of chores.
Not advocating a certain approach, but giving an overview of the many approaches for parents to draw from, and encouraging parents to decide what best fits them.


Dads can feel a little left out. A lot of focus on Mums, not enough on Dads.

Dads play a very important role, but can feel excluded from the pregnancy and from the Mother-baby couple.
Fathers need to start thinking about it.
Depression and adjustment issues can show as irritability and anger in men.
Have a lot to offer initially as support to the mum,

Show Notes: Snoring Children: Sleep Apnoea - Don't ignore the (gasping) snore

5 in 10 snoring children have sleep apnoea. If left undiagnosed, the resulting lack of quality sleep can lead to learning, behavioural, and mood difficulties. It is important to have it diagnosed and treated early. Listen to Dr Chris Seton, Pediatric and Adolescent Sleep Physician, explain Sleep Apnoea in Children. The Sleep Health Foundation is co-ordinating an awarenesss campaign for Sleep Awareness Week 4-10th of July 2016. Please help spread the word! Tweet, or Facebook share.


Summary

Sleep Apnoea makes children tired due to poor sleep quality and night wakings.

Causes Bad Behaviour.
Bad moods.
Poor learning.
Toddler behaviour and moods is bad enough as it is. Treatment can make a huge difference to the child and family.


Two types of Sleep Apnoea.

Central Sleep Apnoea common in premature babies, and occurs in 1-2% of full-term babies.

Breathing has occasional pauses due to missing signals from the brain.
Disappears about 6 or 7 months of age.
Monitored using an alarm system to alert baby and parent to long pauses.


Obstructive Sleep Apnoea.

Typical adult apnoea.
Snoring creates a blockage of the airway.
Babies to Teenagers, most common in 2-5 year age group

6% of 2-5 year olds snore frequently, and about half of those have sleep apnoea.


Obstructive sleep apnoea is a SIDs risk factor. Risk factors accumulate. You can mitigate the risk if you are aware of it.




Obstructive Sleep Apnoea

Causes of Obstructive Sleep Apnoea

Associated with large tonsils and adenoids, which is largely driven by genetics.
Family history of snoring and sleep apnoea makes sleep apnoea more likely.
If mum or dad has sleep apnoea, 1 in 4 of your children are likely to have sleep apnoea.


Agitators

Smoking and allergies make sleep apnoea worse, but don't cause it.


Symptoms

Snoring children: Sleep Apnoea comes with frequent snoring except in very young babies or cases of central sleep apnoea.
Pauses in breathing. Snoring - silence - choking or gasping sound.

Observed - Sleep Apnoea is Likely.
Not observed - little indication. It may just not have been heard.


Children with Sleep Apnoea are more wakeful (some sleep through, but it is rare).

Frequent, or long night wakings.




If you suspect sleep apnoea

Go to a GP or Pediatrician and advocate for a referral to a sleep study.
Don't delay. The longer it goes, the worse the learning issues become, and it can lead to children being incorrectly labelled as learning disordered or ADHD.
There are sleep clinics in all Australian capital cities, and in Woolongong, and Newcastle.
There is also an email facility via Sleep Shack, if you want to check if symptoms warrant a sleep study.
See a sleep doctor rather than ear, nose and throat surgeon, because whether surgery is recommended depends on whether it is causing sleep issues.


Will they grow out of it?

Tonsils and adenoids stop growing at about 4.
Sleep apnoea can improve beyond 4 years old, but often gets worse for children under 4.
Learning problems are reversible in toddler and preschool years, but can become permanent if sleep apnoea isn't treated prior to school.


Treatments

Sleep study shows where the blockage is (tonsils, adenoids, or both).

Show Notes: Possums Sleep Intervention Part 4

Dr Koa Whittingham (A collaborator on the Possums Sleep Intervention - www.possumsonline.com) shares her thoughts on the use of dummies, and dealing with separation anxiety and sleep for young toddlers.
Summary
Dummy use

The Possums Approach is that use of the Dummy is a personal decision.
It is best to wait until breast feeding is established.
Dr Whittingham's opinion is that Dummies are a labor saving device, like baby bouncers.

By all means use labor saving devices, just be aware that you are doing it.
Use them if they allow you to regain sanity and be more responsive throughout the day.
Don't use labor-saving devices as a replacement for your attention and time with baby.
Sucking for comfort is a very natural tendency. Consider what your boundaries are - sleep time only? Up to 6 months? 12 months? 18 months? 24 months?



Separation Anxiety and Sleep for young toddlers

It is natural for children to want to be with parents at night.
It's about balancing the child's desire to be with parents and parents' needs and preferences.
This is very young to require solo sleeping.
Consider the parent's values, needs, and desires. What is it about bed-sharing that is a problem?
Experiment with a range of options. Bedsharing, room sharing, night-time visits.
It is not forever.
At the end of the day - do what works. Once they are adults, no one will be able to tell whether they coslept for 1 year or 7 years.

Links

Possums Sleep Intervention: Possums Online, and Feed your baby to sleep - The possums sleep intervention new recommendations
The Discontented Little Baby book by Dr Pamela Douglas
First step in any good sleep intervention (understanding sleep biology): www.practicalresearchparenting.com/firststeps or sign up by clicking here.
Parenting from the Heart: www.koawhittingham.com.
Becoming Mum book by Dr Koa Whittingham
Sleep Options Wizard for 0-5 year olds



For more great resources on Mindfulness and ACT for parents, check out these links:

Free Mindfulness Meditation App for pregnant couples: Mind the Bump .Org .Au
9 Tips for Mindful Mothering
ACT: Taking Hurt to Hope – Struggling with attachment with Newborns

This is the 7th Episode in the series, here are links to the rest of the series:

PRP014: Angry Parents Part 1 Acting inline with values despite anger
PRP015: Angry Parents Part 2 Acting inline with values despite anger
PRP016: Becoming a Mother
PRP017: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 1
PRP018: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 2
PRP019: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 3
PRP020: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 4

Please subscribe, rate and share!
Subscribe: iTunes, RSS, or Stitcher

Please leave a review: in iTunes, and Stitcher

Share: Tweet, Facebook page

Did you give your child a dummy? When did you (or will you) wean your child off it? Was it hard to wean off it? Was it worth it?

Show Notes: Possums Sleep Intervention Part 3

Dr Koa Whittingham (A collaborator on the Possums Sleep Intervention - www.possumsonline.com) shares some wonderful information about the Possums Sleep Intervention including how to co-ordinate baby wearing and feeding to sleep with multiple caregivers, a new perspective on sleep association, tired cues, incorporation of ACT and how to access the Possums Sleep Intervention.
Summary
Does co-sleeping, baby wearing, feeding to sleep restrict caregivers?

Everyone who cares for baby does NOT have to do the same thing.

Each caregiver can find different ways to settle the baby.


As the primary caregiver, you want your life to be as easy as it can be.
Each caregiver needs to flexibly experiment and find what works for them and baby.
There are many ways to comfort a baby, and baby will learn what to expect from each caregiver.

Sleep Associations

Feeling relaxed after food is extremely natural.
Any external association with sleep can become problematic.
Sleep should be primarily cued by the internal cue of sleepiness.
The feed relaxes baby, the sleepiness cues sleep, at that point we do not want to wake baby and uncouple sleepiness and sleep.
If feeding to sleep is easy and works for you, enjoy it. Just because your baby has learned one thing, doesn't mean he or she can't learn another.
The Possums Sleep Approach: You know your baby and situation best. It is about flexible experimentation to figure out what works best for you and your baby.

Tired Cues

Problem with tired cues

It is important to understand your child's cues
Infant behaviour cannot be classified into observable cues - Babies are all different - you need to learn to understand your baby.


You will learn to understand your baby's cues. Flexibly experiment until you understand the patterns.

You will get it wrong. That is part of learning.
Be flexible and live in the moment.
You will develop expert intuition through experience. You won't always know how you know.



Possums Clinic attitude to breastfeeding and co-sleeping

Fully support breastfeeding, formula feeding, or combination feeding.
Fully supportive of co-sleeping and solo sleeping. Keep baby within sensory distance for the first 6 months.

ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy)

Most interventions are focused on infant sleep.
Mother's ability to get back to sleep is also important.
Support mother's sleep efficiency with mindfulness and relaxation exercises and taking the focus off sleep.

Learn to disconnect from worrying thoughts.



Accessing Possums Sleep Intervention

Possums Sleep Film
Skype consultations
Face-to-Face sessions with Dr Pamela Douglas in Brisbane

General assessment
If sleep is the primary issue, then move into the Possums Sleep Intervention


Group sessions (Accessible online and in person)

Links

Possums Sleep Intervention: Possums Online, and Feed your baby to sleep - The possums sleep intervention new recommendations
The Discontented Little Baby book by Dr Pamela Douglas
First step in any good sleep intervention (understanding sleep biology): www.practicalresearchparenting.com/firststeps or sign up by clicking here.
Parenting from the Heart: www.koawhittingham.com.
Becoming Mum book by Dr Koa Whittingham



For more great resources on Mindfulness and ACT for parents, check out these links:

Show Notes: Possums Sleep Intervention Part 2

Dr Koa Whittingham (A collaborator on the Possums Sleep Intervention - www.possumsonline.com) and I discuss the goals of the Possums Sleep intervention. Koa shares some great tips on optimising sleep biology for parent and baby.
Summary

Possums sleep intervention

0-6 month olds - Sleep film, published work, consultations
6 months to 6 years - Consultations

Additional tactics for children 6 months +

Teaching your baby a new way to fall asleep


Still start with sleep biology and optimising lifestyle


Goals of the Possums Sleep Intervention: Optimise healthy sleep of both the parent and the baby, and to support parental mental health.

Don't accept the assumption that for the parents to sleep well, they need their child to settle and sleep independently

Breastfed infants wake more frequently, but breastfeeding mothers get longer sleep, report better quality of sleep, and feel better rested during the day compared to non-breastfeeding mothers.
Due to sleep efficiency - taking less time to fall back to sleep.
Reducing the number of night wakings isn't necessarily the answer.






Sleep Biology

If babies are having long wakings at night, look at whether daytime naps are too lengthy.

Normal sunlight and daytime noises during nap-time helps to avoid over-sleeping during the day.




Until recently, especially in Europe, night sleeps were broken by a couple of hours of quiet awake time between about 12am to 2am. It can be really difficult to get back to sleep if you are woken during that period, or pushed through the tiredness to stay awake until 12.
Adjust your rhythm, or your child's rhythm such that you are not getting woken in that wakeful time.
Understand the biology of sleep and then flexibly experiment with that.
Let go of the focus on sleep during the day. Get out and about and increase stimulation.
Wake up at about the same time each morning.
Trust the biology of sleep.


SIDS recommendation

For 0-6 month olds (at least), sleeping in the same room is recommended to prevent SIDS because your baby is protected from SIDS by being able to hear you. A baby monitor is not enough, keep baby within sensory distance.


If I baby-wear, co-sleep, and feed to sleep, how can I ever get time off? Not everyone else is willing or able to settle baby as I do.

Everyone who cares for baby does not have to do the same thing.
Each caregiver can find their own way to settle the child.
As the primary caregiver - do what is easiest and most relaxing (including feeding to sleep), and allow others to get baby to sleep too in their own way.


Tune in next time to hear a new take on Sleep Associations

Links

Possums Sleep Intervention: Possums Online, and Feed your baby to sleep - The possums sleep intervention new recommendations
The Discontented Little Baby book by Dr Pamela Douglas
First step in any good sleep intervention (understanding sleep biology): www.practicalresearchparenting.com/firststeps or sign up by clicking here.
Parenting from the Heart: www.koawhittingham.com.
Becoming Mum book by Dr Koa Whittingham



For more great resources on Mindfulness and ACT for parents, check out these links:

Free Mindfulness Meditation App for pregnant couples: Mind the Bump .Org .Au
9 Tips for Mindful Mothering
ACT: Taking Hurt to Hope – Struggling with attachment with Newborns

Show Notes: Possums Sleep Intervention Part 1

Dr Koa Whittingham (A collaborator on the Possums Sleep Intervention - www.possumsonline.com) shares some wonderful information about the Possums sleep intervention, and how it differs from typical behavioural approaches, and normalising approaches.
Summary

Behavioural interventions in the first 6 months have very limited impact:

e.g. Falling asleep in the cot (as opposed to in arms)
1 less episode of waking every two nights.
No evidence of long term benefits.
Can negatively impact breast-feeding.
Behavioural psychology world view.


Normalisation Approach.

It is normal for babies to wake many times a night and need to feed multiple times per night.
4th trimester.
Most children will be sleeping through by their second birthday - wait it out.


Possum's Sleep Intervention - Middle ground.

Agree with the normalisation approach and
Optimise sleep for mother and baby.
Help parents to get through the early years.
Incorporates behavioural psychology, biology of sleep, and lactation science.
Biology of Sleep

Circadian Rhythm/Clock

Sleep doesn't breed sleep - long naps during the day can confuse the circadian clock.
Darkened or artificially quiet room during nap time can artificially lengthen daytime naps.
Sleep consolidation at night can occur earlier than 3 months.


Sleep Homeostat - Longer awake = higher need for sleep.


Anxiety and stress can interfere with ability to sleep.



Links

Possums Sleep Intervention: Possums Online, and Feed your baby to sleep - The possums sleep intervention new recommendations
The Discontented Little Baby book by Dr Pamela Douglas
First step in any good sleep intervention (understanding sleep biology):  www.practicalresearchparenting.com/firststeps or sign up by clicking here.
Parenting from the Heart: www.koawhittingham.com.
Becoming Mum book by Dr Koa Whittingham



For more great resources on Mindfulness and ACT for parents, check out these links:

Free Mindfulness Meditation App for pregnant couples: Mind the Bump .Org .Au
9 Tips for Mindful Mothering
ACT: Taking Hurt to Hope – Struggling with attachment with Newborns

This is the 4th Episode in the series, here are links to the rest of the series:

PRP014: Angry Parents Part 1 Acting inline with values despite anger
PRP015: Angry Parents Part 2 Acting inline with values despite anger
PRP016: Becoming a Mother
PRP017: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 1
PRP018: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 2
PRP019: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 3
PRP020: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 4

Please subscribe, rate and share!
Subscribe: iTunes, RSS, or Stitcher

Please leave a review: in iTunes, and Stitcher

Share: Tweet, Facebook page

Have you felt pressured by common advice around baby sleep? Have you attended Possums? Or Read Dr Pamela Douglas' book? Please start a discussion below.

Show Notes: Becoming a Mother

Dr Koa Whittingham (Parenting from the Heart - www.koawhittingham.com) shares some wonderful advice and tools for smoothing the transition when becoming a mother, through a discussion of her book "Becoming Mum".
Summary

Psychological transition to motherhood includes:

Recreating a rich and rewarding life.
Constantly keeping track of another dependent person.
Forming a new relationship.


Becoming Mum

Evidence-based guide through the transition to motherhood

Grounded in ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and other Cognitive Behavioural Therapies including:

Compassionate Mind Therapy
Behavioural activation


Incorporates Attachment Theory.
Fourth Trimester.


Mindful Practice - Keeping yourself in the here and now - while you are doing anything.

Particularly enriching during interactions with children.
Find the rewarding elements of settling crying babies - focus on the moment not what you want/need to be doing.
Mindful walks.


Listen for the Mindfulness of Child Meditation from the book.
Role of Values.

Values are what matters most to you. They can never be acheived, they guide you every day.
There are many different ways to live the same values.
Mindfulness is powerful, but needs Ethics or Values to direct you in the direction you want to go.
Listen for a values-finding exercise.






Links

Becoming Mum can be bought directly from the Becoming Mum Website, is on Amazon, and most other online bookstores. If it is not in your physical bookstore, please request it.
Parenting from the Heart: www.koawhittingham.com.
Dr Koa Whittingham's Meditations.
Possums Sleep Intervention: Possums Online, and Feed your baby to sleep - The possums sleep intervention new recommendations and Podcast Episode PRP017.

For more great resources on Mindfulness and ACT for parents, check out these links:

Free Mindfulness Meditation App for pregnant couples: Mind the Bump .Org .Au
9 Tips for Mindful Mothering
ACT: Taking Hurt to Hope – Struggling with attachment with Newborns

This is the 3rd Episode in the series, here are links to the rest of the series:

PRP014: Angry Parents Part 1 Acting inline with values despite anger
PRP015: Angry Parents Part 2 Acting inline with values despite anger
PRP016: Becoming a Mother
PRP017: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 1
PRP018: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 2
PRP019: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 3
PRP020: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 4

Please subscribe, rate and share!
Subscribe: iTunes, RSS, or Stitcher

Please leave a review: in iTunes, and Stitcher

Share: Tweet, Facebook page

Have you read Becoming Mum? What was your experience? Please start a discussion in the comments.

Show Notes: Angry Parents Part 2 Acting inline with values despite anger
In Angry Parents Part 1, Dr Koa Whittingham (Parenting from the Heart - www.koawhittingham.com) introduced us to how Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) techniques and principles can help us to manage our anger when our kids press our buttons. Although there are ways to minimise anger, we can never get rid of it completely and forever. Our aim instead is to recognise but not be consumed by our anger such that we can act inline with our values despite anger.
Summary

Getting into the habit of mindfulness.

Formal, structured practice, e.g. guided mindfulness (see below), or yoga class.
Reminders around daily activities.
Can mindfully do anything.


How can we use this in the crucial situations (e.g. one child hurting the other).

It is difficult and needs practice.
Practice mindfulness when calm (there is a mindfulness exercise included in this podcast).
Mindful focus on the present.
Decide how you want to react to critical situations and practice it. Practice by yourself, so when you are angry you can draw on that practiced response.
Look for the pattern in difficult behaviour and try to prevent it.


Resources

Becoming Mum

Chapter 7: The Emotional Journey
Chapter 10: Taking care of yourself
Chapter 11: Building a rewarding life
Chapter 12: Social support


ACT on Life not Anger by Dr Eifert, Dr McKay, and Dr Forsyth



Links

Parenting from the Heart: www.koawhittingham.com
Becoming Mum
Dr Koa Whittingham's Meditations
Dr Russ Harris Mindfulness Meditation CDs
Possums Sleep Intervention: Possums Online, and Feed your baby to sleep - The possums sleep intervention new recommendations and podcast episode PRP017 coming soon.

For more great resources on Mindfulness and ACT for parents, check out thes links:

Free Mindfulness Meditation App for pregnant couples: Mind the Bump .Org .Au
9 Tips for Mindful Mothering
ACT: Taking Hurt to Hope – Struggling with attachment with Newborns

This is the second Episode in the series, here are links to the rest of the series:

PRP014: Angry Parents Part 1 Acting inline with values despite anger
PRP015: Angry Parents Part 2 Acting inline with values despite anger
PRP016: Becoming a Mother
PRP017: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 1
PRP018: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 2
PRP019: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 3
PRP020: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 4

Please subscribe, rate and share!
Subscribe: iTunes, RSS, or Stitcher

Please leave a review: in iTunes, and Stitcher

Share: Tweet, Facebook page

Has mindfulness helped you? Please start a discussion in the comments.

Show Notes: Angry Parents Part 1 Acting inline with values despite anger
This is a really valuable episode where Dr Koa Whittingham (Parenting from the Heart - www.koawhittingham.com) leads us through using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to be the parent we want to be even if we feel angry at times. Angry parents please tune in! Feeling angry is normal, but we don't have to act from anger.
Summary

ACT is largely about developing Psychological Flexibility

Psychological Flexibility is being able to change or persist in your behaviour with full awareness of what is going on around you and inside you in the service of doing something that is very important to you, that you value.


Feeling anger at your children at times is extremely normal

Problems arise when we parent from anger


How can we be the parent we want to be despite anger?

Live in the here and now, focus on your child's current behaviour, not what they did yesterday, or what might happen if she or he keeps acting this way
Avoid getting consumed by angry feelings and thoughts

Diffusion: Acknowledge they are just thoughts "I am thinking that...", talk back "thank you mind, that's really helpful" (sarcasm), imagine your thoughts are like a radio in the background
Accept the emotion: Notice the physical feeling of the emotion and try to make space for it.


Regular mindful practice when you're not angry and throughout the day. You can get a guided mindfulness practice from the next episode to be released next week, Koa's Meditations, or buy some from Russ Harris (whom I learned ACT from).
Lower the bar when you are feeling stressed - make things easier on yourself.



Links

Parenting from the Heart: www.koawhittingham.com
Dr Koa Whittingham's Meditations
Dr Russ Harris Mindfulness Meditation CDs
Possums Sleep Intervention: Possums Online, and Feed your baby to sleep - The possums sleep intervention new recommendations and podcast episode PRP017 coming soon.

For more great resources on Mindfulness and ACT for parents, check out thes links:

Free Mindfulness Meditation App for pregnant couples: Mind the Bump .Org .Au
9 Tips for Mindful Mothering
ACT: Taking Hurt to Hope – Struggling with attachment with Newborns

This is the first Episode in the series, here are links to the rest of the series:

PRP014: Angry Parents Part 1 Acting inline with values despite anger
PRP015: Angry Parents Part 2 Acting inline with values despite anger
PRP016: Becoming a Mother
PRP017: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 1
PRP018: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 2
PRP019: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 3
PRP020: The Possums Sleep Intervention Part 4

Please subscribe, rate and share!
Subscribe: iTunes, RSS, or Stitcher

Please leave a review: in iTunes, and Stitcher

Share: Tweet, Facebook page

Has mindfulness helped you? Please start a discussion in the comments.