One of the lessons that we have learned from doing this podcast is how important it has been to have a community of other survivors to share life with.
We are meant to be in community, we are made to be social and share ourselves.
As survivors of abuse to be in a community with other survivors is so helpful to have someone who understands what we are going through and helps us not to feel alone.
This has been so impactful in our lives since we started doing this, and we know it makes a difference in how we feel about ourselves.
It is also so humbling to come alongside someone else who is going through this and be there for them.
As a survivor of abuse who can we look up to for role models?
This is a problem for survivors because there are so few positive portrayals of survivors in media.
Often survivors are either victims or perpetrators, but they aren't represented positively.
As survivors of abuse the way we can change this is by being a role model ourselves and talking about what happened to us and how we are getting through it.
By doing that we can be the role model that other survivors can look up to and get inspiration from.
It's up to all of us. We can be the inspiration.
Such a fun topic, repulsion and revulsion.
It's the instinctive reaction we all have to some stuff, like rats or spiders, and the way that we think about certain things.
Like sexual abuse.
We can't help it, it's a repulsive topic but as survivors sometimes we must talk about it.
But it is the act that is repulsive and the perpetrator that is revolting, not the survivor.
That is important to remember, what happened to us was repulsive but that doesn't mean that we are.
No Longer Ashamed
No Longer Ashamed FB
bolgerkevin15@gmail.com
What happens when you embrace your triggers?
As survivors of abuse we often have many things that can trigger a reaction, some of them that we aren't even aware of.
The first step in embracing our triggers is to recognize what they are.
Then we can understand why they are triggering us and acknowledge what that came from.
That helps us to embrace why we have triggers and how they were a part of how we survived and how that was important to us then.
Once you recognize your triggers and understand why you have them you can begin to learn how to react to them differently so they don't control your behavior.
So by embracing your triggers you can regain control over how you react to them.
This May in Illinois the states attorney general found that more than 450 Catholic clergy abused nearly 2,000 children since 1950.Revealing that the problem was far worse than had been reported by the Church.He also stated that those abusers "will never see justice in a legal sense" since the statute of limitations has expired for most of those cases.Where is the outrage?The laws need to be changed for there to be justice and if there is going to be any deterrence for these crimes.No Longer AshamedNo Longer Ashamed FBbolgerkevin15@gmail.com
Exposure to pornography when you are too young can be traumatic.
To give a child pornography is abusive and can have life long affects on them.
This can lead to addiction to porn which can destroy their lives.
Sexual content is so easy to find and it is becoming normalized in every day life.
We have to be more careful about what our children are exposed to and teaching them why it is important to avoid the destruction that pornography can have in their lives.
BolgerKevin15@gmail.com
This week we have our friends Mike Chapman and Daniel Eichelberger on as guests for our panel about reporting your abuse to the authorities.
Both of our guests have had very different experiences with reporting and they share what it was like for them.
This is a difficult subject for survivors of abuse because it can be so hard to report because it can feel like being re-traumatized.
Because the authorities - whether it is the police, or Clergy or whomever, often have to ask such personal information it can feel like a violation.
However it is so important to report for so many reasons and it can mean that one child could be saved from abuse.
bolgerkevin15@gmail.com
When Beth was growing up she wanted what she saw that the other kids had - a loving relationship with their parents.
But she knew that her mother couldn't be there for her and her father could not be trusted.
She ended up with resentment and self hatred that she has had to overcome and has lead to much of the hardship in her life.
In the time that we have known Beth we have watched her growth as she has addressed these issues and she has arrived in the place where she agreed to share with us on the podcast what that process has been like.
bolgerkevin15@gmail.com
We first interviewed Daniel Eichelberger back in November of 2022.
He is the author of the blog "These Ashes, Reflections of Hope in the aftermath of male childhood sexual abuse".
in these past couple of years he and his wife have been busy with fostering children and are preparing to adopt the baby boy that they have been fostering since he was three days old.
We catch up with him on how it has been for him since he first shared his story with us back in episode 56.
https://theseashes.wordpress.com/
No Longer Ashamed FB
https://www.facebook.com/nolongerashamed.org
bolgerkevin15@gmail.com
Is it possible to have the Serenity to accept the things we cannot change?
Is it possible to Heal without having that Serenity?
These are hard questions for a Survivor of Abuse.
But they are very important to realize that we cannot avoid them.
We cannot change what has happened to us, but we can change our narrative of how we talk about it.
In episodes 162 and 163 we talked about Ethan Krosses book "Chatter" and how to manage your inner voice.
Now we want to talk about his book "Shift: Managing Your Emotions - So They Don't Manage You"
We were introduced to his book when we listened to the podcast "Hidden Brain" episode: How to Harness Your Feelings.
For survivors of abuse being able to manage your emotions in a healthy way can be one of the most important skills to have - especially when dealing with the issues from being a survivor.
We have found that the techniques that he recommends for managing your emotions are very helpful and are easy to learn.
We are re - posting this episode because there was a mistake we made the first time so we have corrected it.
bolgerkevin15@gmail.com
So here we are coming up on our 5th year of doing this podcast and we are still learning!
This has been an amazing process and one of the most amazing things that we have learned is that for survivors of abuse the process doesn't end - but it can get better and easier.
That doesn't mean that is always better or easy, but that as we learn more about ourselves and about our issues than we can have epiphanies that are exciting and transformational.
These epiphanies come from self awareness and if there is one thing that we care about it is awareness, being aware of your issues, being aware of the lies that you were taught about yourself as a survivor, being aware that you are not alone and that you don't have to face your struggles by yourself.
bolgerkevin15@gmail.com
Last week we talked about Ethan Krosses book "Chatter" and how so much of it applies to survivors of abuse and the methods that are useful to understand and control chatter in our lives.
This week we take another look at chatter and how we can help others with their issues with their chatter and how we can receive help from others with our own chatter.
This issue of chatter can be so pervasive and intrusive for survivors of abuse since we are often taught lies by the perpetrators that have long lasting affects in our lives and lead to negative chatter that can be overwhelming.
If you enjoyed these episodes we highly recommend you read the book "Chatter" by Ethan Kross, and his other book "Shift" about managing emotions, that we plan to discuss in an upcoming episode.
We also would like to recommend the podcast "Hidden Brain" with the host Shankar Vedantam which has been a great source of information and inspiration to us.
Chatter is about that voice in our head that can sometimes become that static that interrupts everything and takes us over for awhile
"Chatter" is the title of the book by Ethan Kross that I actually discovered when listening to "Hidden Brain" the podcast by Shankar Vedantam episode "How to Harness Your Feelings" about Ethan Krosses book "Shift"
When I researched the title "Chatter" I realized that I really was interested in this topic because it is so relevant for anyone who is a survivor of abuse because that chatter from our inner voice can sometimes be so overwhelming
What the book talks about is how to use your inner voice to produce positive results in your life and have hope
We highly recommend both of these books by Ethan Kross and hope that you will try these methods to understand your inner voice
We have been taking a break for a few weeks as our schedules changed which made it difficult to record
We are getting ready to start a new chapter of expanding beyond into Youtube and Instagram with shorts so stay tuned we will be announcing soon
While we get geared up we wanted to re-post this important episode about unresolved trauma and repressed memories since these are issues that can be very difficult for survivors of abuse to address
Why is personal growth so important for survivors of abuse?
Many of us were taught by our abusers that we did not matter, that we were just objects to be used
It is through personal growth that we can prove to ourselves that we do matter and we deserve to have hope and healing
It is the small steps that we take to take care of ourselves and improve little by little that leads to the larger goals that take back our self esteem
Thank you for your sticking with us through this time of vacations and crazy work schedule where we had to take a break
But now we wanted to talk about something that has been on our minds a lot since we really find it important that as survivors of abuse that we do share our stories
But what do you say when people don't know how to respond?
Which ends up being a lot of the time
Sometimes the subject of being a survivor comes up at unexpected times and we might not feel like it's appropriate to share our story
Or are we just dodging it because we don't feel like talking about it?
None of us like to feel judged or shamed and sometimes it feels like the easiest way to avoid that is to not talk about it at all
Then this message that is so important will never get out
So how do you know when to talk about it? and how do you deal with it when people respond in an unhelpful way.
bolgerkevin15@gmail.com
What does it mean to be broken?
As survivors of abuse we often feel beyond repair.
That isn't really true but it can feel that way.
If we can unlearn the lessons we were taught by being abused.
Then we learned that we aren't really broken, just injured.No Longer Ashamed
bolgerkevin15@gmail.com
There are so many reasons that we stay silent about our abuse
It can be so hard to break the shame and guilt that keep us from speaking about what happened
But are you robbing yourself of getting past the abuse you survived by keeping silent
Are you forcing yourself and those that care about you to suffer from the issues that you refuse to address
If you feel that what happened doesn't matter so it isn't worth dealing with, you are just trying to hide from your issues
When you find the freedom and courage to share about what happened then you find the freedom to be compassionate with yourself and take care of yourself
The coach was found guilty of all 19 charges of sex crimes in Sumner Washington!
We have been following this trial for the last couple of years and we are thrilled that the perpetrator has been found guilty on all counts of the sex crimes!
We first reported on this crime back in episode 87 in December of 2023 when we did a panel about sex abuse in sports with our guest Charnell Bolger, Kevins wife, who as a former athlete and coach and daughter of a coach, is very passionate about this subject.
Her research on this issue also led us to our interview episode 89 with Sam Dordulian the Founder and President of the Dordulian Law Group in the Los Angeles area, and to the website US Center for Safe Sport which is an important resource for athletes and for parents and family members of athletes to be aware of the issues of sexual abuse in sports.
We, of course, are very thrilled with this verdict and are also so proud of the brave young men who had the courage to stand up to the abuse and report the abuser and go on the stand in the trial and testify what he had done to them, so we have joined with Charnell again to discuss this important trial.
bolgerkevin15@gmail.com
https://uscenterforsafesport.org/safesport-ready-app/
https://www.king5.com/article/news/local/jury-reaches-verdict-trial-ex-sumner-basketball-coach-charged-sex-crimes/281-53513d7a-00a1-4bb8-a271-fbc4433e5d0e
https://www.amazon.com/Secret-Shame-Survivors-Understanding-Development/dp/B09XVH1RWJ/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3T0PL2DOWBPPM&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.YzWjsw99X9Kum6sJzUbtb1QiSqxMh0W7-h4oggolaHw.eTBDRenGn25ITSHuh-quaNRQJbNS9jLv9rCw7OZIyKc&dib_tag=se&s=audible&sprefix=secret+shame+book+douglas+carpenter%2Caudible%2C140
https://www.dlawgroup.com/