Summer is a time for fun, sun, and (if you’re anything like us) reading! So for this summer break episode we went back to our childhoods to explore some of the wonderful monsters gifted to us by the one and only R.L. Stine in the Goosebumps series! So get ready for monsters from Calling All Creeps, The Beast from the East, and Night of the Living Doll! Listeners beware, you’re in for a (sexy) scare!
Also, this episode marks the beginning of our brief Summer Break for Monster Crush, we'll be back in September for more episodes!
Featuring: Summer activities in the 90s, the nostalgia of the Pizza Hut Summer Reading program, Spooky News: US Government Lies About Aliens/UFOs Again(?), Annabelle the Haunted Doll Kills a Man - R.L Stine wrote a horror novel about a rollercoaster, horror can be accessible for kids, Goosebumps cover Easter Eggs, do a “classic clone” to get to level 3, “fluids” counts as a superpower, FMK with some Goosebumps monsters, AND MORE!
CW: Spoilers for 30+ year old Goosebumps books, Conspiracy theories surrounding the government/gaslighting/misinformation (11:00-21:20), Death/Loss (21:20-30:20), mentions of horror violence with references to horror violence to kids (35:20-1:20:35)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
On this date we fly back into the weird world of Yokai for a couple of avian singletons to nest with. So strap on and strap in for the Kogarasu and the Niwatori no sō! These two feathered friends are sure to peck their way into your hearts… perhaps literally.
Featuring: Toilet ghosts and sentient umbrellas, a trip to LD’s Smut Corner, Spooky News: Bigfoot could get you high, eat the prideful and haughty, chicken’s grudge-curse, cloacal kisses, AND MORE!
CW: Mentions of explosions/fireworks and allusions to the current state of the US (1:30-2:15), yokai/urban legend violence (6:30-7:25), drug use (20:30-26:30), monsters eating dead humans (29:10-33:40), bird-based body horror (33:45-40:00)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
For our second Pride Month episode of 2025 we consider giving a second chance to some monsters who did not get our full attention on previous dates. So this time we explore the wilderness for the Scandinavian Troll! These mysterious monsters of magic and nature have haunted fables and myth far back into ancient times… so it’s about time they haunt our bedrooms! Things are going to get rock hard so strap in and strap on!
Featuring: A totally perfect first take on our intro - Spooky News: werewolf motivated robbery, aliens are starting WWIII… to help us?, and (old news) a portal in English forest is letting in werewolves - trolls are old and confusing, troll are bossbitches, trolls were illegal, smelly Christian blood, trolls are just Bigfoot(?), a quick dive into LOTR lore, troll movie recs, AND MORE!
CW: Robbery & Assault (4:00-8:00), Current events - politics, war, etc. (8:05-12:00), mentions of Christianity and Christian misogyny/oppression of women (periodic starting at 30:00), monsters as caricatures/stereotypes of ethnicities and as forms of antisemitism (46:30-47:30, 50:45-53:00)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
Happy Pride, you beautiful Monster Crushers! To celebrate the queerest time of the year we wanted to present you all with a true gay icon. And, since we covered Mothman back in episode 69, we delved into pop culture for a figure who has represented the LGBTQ+ community for decades now. So strap on and strap in for the true Master of the Universe and master of our hearts, Skeletor! This skeletal singleton is sure to rattle your bones in the best of ways!
Featuring: Pride Month for monster fucking, it’s all fucking weird fucking, Spooky News: Annabelle the Doll Contained(?) and Squatch Sighting in Colorado, a new game: Battlecat or Cringer (Masters of the Universe Smash or Pass), the history and queerness of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, very important discussions about facial hair, abs on abs on abs, AND MORE!
CW: General discussions of sex, kink, and monster fucking (throughout the episode… I mean, come on), mention of con artists and objectively bad people Ed & Lorraine Warren (10:15-11:30), house fire and prison escape (12:55-13:13:35)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
For this Memorial Day we bring you two monsters you just can’t forget about. War is weird and strange stuff happens during times of conflict, so this episode we discuss two giant sea monsters seen by German U-boats during WWI. So get ready to be blown…out of the water by the U-28 Creature and the U-85 Atrocity!
Featuring: The lusty month of May, a visit to LD’s Smut Corner: The Spinster and the Gargoyle, the gargoyle vs. grotesque debate, Spooky News: crop circles in England and a prehistoric wasp from hell, sea monsters learn to fly by exploding, don’t shoot whales because they might shoot back, mosasaur dickpics, AND MORE!
CW: Insect/body horror/parasites/forced impregnation - insect/implication (29:30-33:40), discussions of naval warfare (35:00-50:00), animal/dinosaur/monster genitalia (50:15-56:00)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
We at Monster Crush want to celebrate Mother’s Day in the only way we know how… by making it about smooching monsters. So if you have mommy energy (however you personally define that), we want to wish you a special day full of whatever monsters you love best. But for us, we had to feature a monstrous mother of other monsters coming straight from Greek myth with the monster matriarch, the Echidna! So strap in and strap on for a serpentine seductress that will make you say “yes, mommy”.
Featuring: Strong Mommy Energy, is LD ‘Mother’?, shoutout Derek’s mom, if you email us weird things - we will email you weird things back, monster moms in pop culture, Spooky News - NASA Chief Flight Surgeon sees an American UFO, research on a potential UFO sphere, Joe Nickell and a legacy of skepticism - echidna but the cute animal, a CatDog of a monster, so so many monster offspring, Typhon’s really nice couch, clean your all-purpose holes, AND MORE!
CW: Mythological dismemberment (16:40-17:00), brief mention of mythological incest - i.e. Theseus (49:50-50:00)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
Does love have you stumped? Always branching out but your date always leaves? Well we get to the root of the problem this week with our lumbering singletons! No more barking up the wrong tree with two loveable cryptobotanical selections to really shiver your timbers! It’s two green-thumbs up for the Ya-Te-Veo and The Man-Eating Madagascar Tree! Plus a special appearance from The Cow-Eating Tree!
Featuring: A new game of Nessie Knockoffs, a return to LD’s Smut Corner, a 1 minute recap of M. Night Shamalayan’s The Happening, the cow-eating tree eats… cows, trees with eyes, some pretty messed up depictions of indigenous people thanks to white colonists, treacly fluid, just so many tree puns, AND MORE!
CW: mentions of suicide and self-harm (28:30-29:00), harm to animals (31:00-32:00), colonial depictions of indigenous people throughout the second half, sacrificial murder & sexual hedonism (42:30-44:30)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
EPISODE 100 IS HERE! I can’t believe we actually made it to 100 episodes! And speaking of things that are hard to believe, is there a monster lurking in the depths of Loch Ness? Yes… at least we want the answer to be yes because we LOVE NESSIE! So strap in and strap on for Derek’s first monster love with The Loch Ness Monster! Also, a special thank you to all of you who have joined us on this wonderful monster ride and a very special thank you to Heaven-Leigh and Ellie for starting this amazing project for all of us to enjoy!
Featuring: Do invisible monsters *eject* invisible fluids?, Spooky News: Forbidden Designer Dogs - judging baby names, Checkov’s panties (if they go on in the first act, they come off by the third), top cryptids list, her humps - her lovely Nessie humps, pulling a Gandalf, Nessie needs to get out of the road, hoaxes.. so many hoaxes, Nessie aka Sandy or Archibald, King Kong, new photos of Nessie, pay for us to go to Scotland, Mr. Crowley, Catfished by Nessie, AND MORE!
CW: Mention of fictional SA (6:45 - 7:00), genetic manipulation (4:30 - 15:30), Catholicism (28:45 - 31:30), drowning/underwater monster attack (29:40 - 31:30), suicide/tragedy (1:01 - 1:02)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
99 EPISODES! We wanted to celebrate getting this far with something big, so we chose dinosaurs! This episode we bring you two classic dino cryptids with LD choosing to learn about the Kasai Rex! This theropod dinosaur supposedly hunts the waterways of the Congo, and not only does it eat large animals like rhinos… but maybe people too. It’s welcome to eat us any time though as we go big or go home with this sharp-toothed scale-friend!
Featuring: LD’s favorite dinosaur that isn’t a dinosaur, this is a theme-song-heavy episode, a prehistoric game returns with Dino Yes or No (play along at home!), LD’s Smut Corner, possessive werepenguins, Spooky News - Antarctic crimes, The 300 Club, mysteries below the pyramids, pictures of lizards don’t count as pictures of dinosaurs, how do you find a severed hand in “good” condition, the hunter becomes the hunted, hippopotamus = lake cow bacon, a new segment: What That Downstairs Doing?, AND MORE!
CW: news of physical assault, accusations of SA, and mental health distress in isolated scenarios (35:30-40:00), stories of poachers/big game hunters as well as descriptions of animals and people killed by predators (45:00-1:10)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
We jump right back into the deep end with Part 2 of IN THE MARCH OF MADNESS! This episode we bring you the GOO Conference (Great Old Ones) with an all new list of eldritch horrors and hard-to-pronounce names. So get your brackets ready and strap in and strap on for Tsathoggua, Idh-Yaa, Y’Golonac, Glaaki, Boat Z’uqqa-Mogg, Ithaqua, Gobogeg, Sfatlicllp, and the ultimate champion of this year’s Salty 16 Single Smooch Elimination Bracket!
Featuring: A mini Spooky News - watch politicians talk about aliens in a new doc… I guess - The Great Old One (GOO) Conference, eldritch tiddies are back, Derek predictably struggles with eldritch pronunciations, A big girthy frog with a queer tongue, what if Lovecraft wrote the musical Cats, an underground brain-dick, Kevin: the greatest eldritch horror, eepy and hungy is weirdly attractive, and the WINNER of our In the March of Madness bracket!
CW: Modern US politicians mentioned (5:00-8:15), allusion to SA (26:00-26:30, 38:50-39:30), Body Horror (27:50-28:15), Mention of the Algonquin monster We****o as an alternative name for an eldritch being (36:30-43:00)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
It’s that time again! Continuing from last year we once again bring you IN THE MARCH OF MADNESS, our very own monster-smooching bracket of Lovecraftian and eldritch beings. So strap in and strap on for SIXTEEN SALTY beings of unknowable horror and tentacles as we complete a single-elimination bracket broken into two conferences. This episode we tackle the BOG (Beings and Outer Gods) Conference with Yibb-Tstll, Gnoph-Keh, Magnum Innomunandum, Mh’Ithrha, the Mi-Go, the Nightgaunts, Cthulhu, and Ubbo-Sathla!
Featuring: LD’s Monster Smut Corner - Caged Romances - Spooky News: Legalize Bigfoot, DOGE hates researching aliens, Pokémon Day - IN THE MARCH OF MADNESS SALTY SIXTEEN SINGLE SMOOCH ELIMINATION: BOG (Beings and Outer Gods) CONFERENCE: eldritch tiddies, nameless mists, Lovecraft’s childhood nightmares, AND MORE!
CW: Modern US politics (21:30-29:45)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
Happy Valentine’s Day from all of us at Monster Crush! We celebrate Monster Love every single day but it feels especially important on this corporatized, pre-assigned day of affection. So this time we bring you a couple of monsters to make your heart skip a beat… as they rip it from your chest. Yes, far from content with heart-shaped boxes of candy, these monsters prefer hearts with more gooshy filling. So please enjoy the Danish fell-knight, the Valraven and the Korean 9-tailed fox of cunning evil, the Kumiho!
Featuring: Do we talk about actual Monster F***ing enough? - We restate our mission and boundaries - Spooky News: Ghost Earthquakes - Saxsquatch: musician and hero - Why does the heart symbol not look like an actual heart? - Roman’s sexed a plant to extinction - king hearts are like raven Taco Bell - bury your dead or else - Valraven has Pokemon evolutions - we support women’s wrongs - the best way to ruin a wedding: look like the bride and get naked - And More!
CW: Consumption of humans - specifically hearts (throughout), train-accident related death (12:40-12:50), child death (41:35-43:00)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
Monster Crush is back! After our holiday hiatus, we are energized and ready for even more monster smooches. And in this new year and month of love, we decide to give a second chance to some of our previously unchosen singletons. So strap in and strap on this week for a second chance for the J'ba Fofi, a massive spider cryptid from the Congo! And I did say SPIDER so if that's not your thing, skip the second half of this episode, I mean it.
Featuring: We’re Back! - Spooky News: Project Immaculate Constellation, Alien eggs, Supernatural (the show) hot takes, Bribe aliens to get rid of Ohio, Gem City Vampires - Shoutout to Shadow - Where do the ghosts go when the walls are gone? - Just so many spiders - Timothy the sink spider - Creationists also love cryptids - Canada is weird - How to smooch without lips - And more!
CW: mentions of Christianity in military and politics (11:10-11:20), loud noise (36:20), a whole lot of spiders (40:00-it never ends), implied dog death (52:25-52:30), creationist Christianity (53:20-1:00:40)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
Happy Holidays and, more importantly, Gruss Vom Krampus from all of us at Monster Crush! We finally did it! We released a holiday episode and finally got around to covering the Christmas Devil himself, the one and only KRAMPUS! And it’s no secret that this horny holiday hellion is a smash but you may learn things about this cloven Christmas creature that you didn’t know before. So strap in and strap on for a slay ride unlike any before as Monster Crush looks for the perfect monster to climb down our chimneys and stuff our stockings just right.
Featuring: a Monster Crush Carol, LD is a good girl, holiday traditions - local and worldwide, two songs about logs, Saint Nick: The Saint of EVERYTHING, resurrection of some pickle kids, Flossy & Glossy the reindeer, a bunch of Krampus-kopy-kats, “Krampus is an evil man”, JK Simmons can get it, we love a consensual switching, AND MORE!
CW: mentions of christianity and religious holidays throughout, brief mentions of alcohol consumption throughout, general mentions of child punishment/corporal punishment of children throughout, family members being forced into sex work in a religious story (30:15-30:45), child death and attempted cannibalism in a religious story (31:15-31:45), blackface in European holiday practices (39:30-40:50)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
We all love to play with toys but can you love a toy that plays with you? What about a toy that has intense, possibly malicious, paranormal energy attached to it? If you said yes, then do I have the date for you! This episode LD entertains two of the most notorious haunted dolls around with Robert the Doll and the infamous Annabelle! With these spirit-laden dolls, it’s important to remember the key rules for any romantic endeavor: safety first, consent is crucial, and make sure to clean your toys when you’re done.
Featuring: What was your favorite childhood Christmas gift - the gift of unmatched socks - Shoutout to LD’s sister for predicting this episode - LD’s personal experience with haunted dolls - Haunted Dolls can be a bummer - Letta Me Out! The Doll - don’t scapegoat your dolls - letters to Robert - we aren’t superstitious but we are a little stitious - salute your Captain Crunch - Annabelle isn’t as scary as you think - Raggedy Anne is into choking - zoning laws are scarier than demons - our version of Haunted Doll Watch - has this whole episode been about sex toys? - AND MORE!
CW: mention of child death in relation to haunted dolls (16:00-19:00, 42:00-42:30), vehicular accident/death (50:00-51:00)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
It’s a special Thanksgiving episode for LD and Derek and they are thankful for so much. We are thankful to you, our wonderful audience (like all 7 of you), we are thankful for the opportunity to make a podcast as friends, and we are thankful for all of the smoochable monsters! So this episode, we prepare a Thanksgiving feast, and the main course? Why, it’s our monstrous singletons! So strap in and strap on for The Bird Beasts of Var as our protein with a side of The Veggieman of West Virginia. These flavorful cryptids are hopefully not too much of a mouthful…
Featuring: What we are thankful for - funeral potatoes - Spooky News: Superstitions may make you super sad, a new paranormal book rec, haunted Disney, congressional UAP update(!) - looking for monsters in Shagtown - a sucking hug - sometimes it’s just birds - tits, tats, and all that’s - And more!
CW: mentions of food throughout, brief mention of funerals (2:00-3:45), mental health/depression (9:10-13:15), Sk**w*lkers (13:55-14:50), thorns/needles/vampirism (35:15-39:00)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
Given recent events, we here at Monster Crush have decided to stop all this monkey business. So join us as we go ape-shit for our singletons this week! Insert additional monkey pun here. So strap in and strap on for some cryptids who might involve reaching a loving hand back down the evolutionary branch so chimpler times (that’s the last one, I swear). This date we bring you the Stellar’s Sea Ape and the Monkey Man of Delhi!
Featuring: Monster Crush is here to distract but never to ignore - Ranking the hottest Donkey Kong characters - Sean Astin’s connection to Donkey Kong is revealed - Spooky News: Happy Godzilla Day, more US congress alien talks, and outer space gets wet - A really Stellar group of animals - Otter tubes - Mundane monsters vs. bonkers monsters - Beyond Belief lives up to its name - Rooftop sleeping - India’s Weapon X Program - And more!
CW: Allusion to current events/2024 US election (1:45-4:00 & 1:02:00-1:04:00), attempted harm to animals (38:00-38:30), mentions of physical assault (47:15-48:45), also The Monkey Man of Delhi can be interpreted as implied abuse to animals/animal testing
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
Episode 90 has arrived and just in time for Halloween! So join us as we dive a stake deep into the heart of one of the most iconic monsters of all time, a terror who has dug his fangs deep into the neck of pop culture, the vampire of all vampires - COUNT DRACULA! So strap in and strap on for an exploration into the fictional and real world history of the most famous bloodsucker around!
Featuring: What is a Dracula? - Vampires around the world - Bram Stoker’s love triangle - Dracula Recap - Van Helsing’s eyebrows - The many actors of Dracula - The hodgepodge of Dracula - Impale me, daddy - Vlad learns the importance of public relations - Count Wampyr - The OG lesbian Dracula - Bloody Tears - THE WEATHERMAKER - And More!
CW: Discussions of blood, blood-draining, vampirism, defiling a corpse (staking and beheading thereof), and undead throughout, kidnapping/murder/bathing in blood (40:00 - 42:00), genocide/horrors of war/impaling (46:00 - 1:10:00), animal cruelty/death (1:00:00 - 1:01:00)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
It’s SPOOKY MONTH and so Monster Crush continues it’s Halloween tradition of bringing you three monsters who represent some of the most iconic seasonal creatures. This year, in our Halloween Threesome, we bring you a ghost, a vampire, and a werewolf: The Kyōkotsu, The Vampire Beast/Beast of Bladenboro, and The Werewolf of Werewolf Springs respectively. So strap in and strap on for some crazy bones, a thirsty cat, and the most werewolf to ever werewolf!
Featuring: What is the most iconic Halloween monster? - Monster cereals - Spooky News: We sell out, get a free new vehicle or $100,000, Mormon Wives of Tiktok, TWO LOCH NESS MONSTERS - Crazy Bones - Stop tossing your bones down wells - Large cats the size of small bears - LD gets predictably hot for a werewolf - Trains just chock full of werewolves - Wolfmen NOT Sasquatches - It’s ok to have simple pleasures
CW: Improper disposal/desecration of dead bodies (21:15-26:15), pet/domesticated animal death (26:30-36:45 and 44:15-44:30), violent murder (43:15-44:45), gun violence (45:00-45:45)
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
We said we would do it and, against all better judgment, we’re finally doing it.. It’s the SLEEP PARALYSIS EPISODE! So strap in and strap on for a journey into nightmares as LD braves her own subconscious for this week’s singletons. So, presented in this episode are LD’s very own sleep paralysis demons! Including: The Bowler-Hat-Man, The Hag (aka Foot Goblin), and The Changeling! Will Derek find love in these manifestations of his co-hosts' fears? Listen to find out!
Featuring: Vote Derek for president of the US - The best part of waking up? Consensual oral - Spooky News: 15 years of Paranormal Activity (the movie), more Conjuring House drama, the next UFO hearing is soon! - Hats make you big - The true story of Nightmare on Elm Street - Hags have a thing for feet - Cuck the Black Hat Man - And more!
CW: This entire episode is about sleep paralysis - data shows that episodes of sleep paralysis can be triggered by discussions of the phenomena - if you have experienced sleep paralysis in the past, this might be an episode you want to skip… but do what you want, I’m not your dad.Also: brief mentions of/references to modern politics, mental health issues, spider monsters and other nightmarish imagery throughout
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
