After a very rough marriage, I spent time looking back at it. The countless empty promises to me. The grand statements and empty gestures. The claims that I was loved but the loneliness that proved otherwise. Five long years of telling myself that words were good enough. Words were all that I needed. 

But that wasn't true. 

If the words aren't true, they don't mean much. They don't do much for my heart. I wonder if God feels the same. We make big promises. We say we believe in a higher power...or Jesus dying on the cross. But do they mean much? Are they empty words? Empty promises? Empty commitments? A lot of claims but do our actions tell God - and others - the opposite is actually true? 

We can come up with all the fancy arguments and excuses but in the end, only actions really matter. 

I'm an impatient person and an aggressive driver. But before you get excited about 'aggressiveness' being a godly trait, hang on. God isn't an impatient driver with road rage, like some of his children....But when I read this and realized He is aggressive, I loved the way it was said. It got me excited. That was a sign that something was happening. If we ever thought he was, this day he proved he wasn't in limbo. 

I also like Jesus' questions to the people about why they went to see John...If it wasn't '......' maybe it was '......'. Maybe, just maybe, you were more curious about God than you wanted to admit? Are you in that place? More curious about God than you want to admit? Go take a peek in the desert. 

If you were a fly on my wall for a week, and then you went home to your family and they asked you to tell them about me...I wonder what you would have to say.  What would a week with me tell you? What would a week with me show you?  What would a week with you tell me? What would a week with you show me?  Would we be satisfied with the reports about us?

When I read this part, I get why people don't want to follow Jesus' way. 

I've been desperate for people's approval for my whole life and now you want me to follow Jesus which will actually cause more people not to like me?

This terrifies me.

Even having begun this podcast/vlog whatever.

I look like a whack job.

I question myself every day when I hit record.

It is so hard to say yes to being the outcast.

Just last night I went to the mall, with an unexplained sadness.  

But for the first time in a lot of sad shopping days, I came home with nothing.  

I didn't even try on anything.   I just walked in and out of a store.  

When effort was required to see if I would like something, I would dismiss it muttering, "That won't make me happy."  

I've never done that and it wasn't a great feeling. 

It isn't like I was feeling so holy in the moment.  More lazy.  

But, though it was dark, I knew that it wouldn't fix me. 

It wouldn't give me the peace I was needing. That I AM needing.   

That's a victory right? 

Are you searching too? Finding anything good?

This really hit me. I won't remember it permanently. I will have to remind myself over and over.   But when I do think about it, how could I think fate is in control? Or me? How can we think we are in control?

Ummmmm I'm not so sure. 

But really, what am I actually living? 

What is my life actually about?

If I say I'm a Christian and I'm actually living it, life shouldn't be hunky dory all the time right?

Jesus wasn't a jerk but his life wasn't hunky dory either you know?

So if I really mean it when I say I'm a Christian...

if you really mean it when you say your a Christian...

what are our actions telling people?

What are they telling God?

I've always watched retired people around me retire young, travel whenever and wherever they want, having the life of leisure. 

When we put money aside for retirement, that life is the goal in my head.  

But I chased a version of that when I was a single mom, too. But time went too quickly and I didn't feel as good as I thought. 

Even now, I have a dream for the way my day to day life should look...sometimes I get it, but I don't get the satisfaction that I think it should bring me.   

What is my problem? 

Do you feel the same way? What do you dream your day to day life to look like?

What's the worst thing you've ever said? Now answer that question in terms of, when trying to tell someone about Jesus what is the worst thing you've ever said? I always feel inadequate or like I need to sound like a preacher or theologian. Or I back pedal thinking I've screwed it up. 

It feels like so much pressure. I also feel like I'm not the right person for the task.

Thinking about it now, how little credit I give the Holy Spirit and how much power to I give myself?

But I think in this passage, Jesus to just do the talking. Let Him take care of it from there. 

It sounds so simple. Just get out there, make an effort, tell people how awesome God is and then forget about it. Do your part, don't worry about their part. 

And I KNOW God is good. These last 3 years have been game changers for me. Completely.

So WHY is it still hard and scary?!?  I believe wholeheartedly and I want others to have this too. But it is so hard to open my mouth sometimes. I'm ready Billy Graham's autobiography and when he was in college, he would go to the park and preach 5 or 6 times randomly. Wasn't he embarrassed??? Hesitant? Didn't people make fun of him or heckle him? How did he do it?

If you know the secret, feel free to share:)

Let me tell you mine. My husband Ted - he's my best friend, he's handy, good looking, kind, hard worker. My friend, Amy - she's fun and loving but she has the weirdest life hacks that always come in handy. Plus, if you need anything, she's there in a heart beat. My parents - that's 2 - they always know what they are doing and have good advice and they step up at any moment. My friend Janette - I'm an open book with her and I think she's an open book with me. We can talk about anything at all AND she's an amazing cook.

I could keep going but I won't. But who would you pick to be on your dream team for life if it was a team of 12? 

I think Jesus made some poor choices. Odd choices. I think he could have done better. More successful, more power or authority, more money, less shady. But I guess he got exactly who he wanted. I should be relieved about that?

Yep. Me too. That's why I am no longer at the church I attended since birth. It's a bit of a kick in the teeth. BUT experiencing what I am now for the last 2 years, I'm glad I just gave up on A church and not THE church or Jesus. I floundered for a number of years between leaving my old church and finding the church I'm in now.  But it has been worth it. Painful and long. But worth it.   Did you give up on Jesus? Do you wish you hadn't? Or are you holding on by a thread?

I think if I'm honest, at some points, I would stake my life on me - because I'm a control freak. I'm the only one who can get it done and get it done right. So I often think I'm the end all and be all.  

I think I've assumed that if I take the "right" steps in life, I will have success. 

If I get married, it will be forever and I will have children - all the children I want. 

And if I have children and faithfully bring them to church, they will choose to believe as well at some point.  

That's why I panic when we do things differently or not the way I envisioned.   

So weird. Do you have anything? Can you really trust it 100%??? Is there anything?  How strong is your belief?

Are you superstitious?   I can be when I'm watching sports:) Especially Rafael Nadal. If I was in the kitchen when he was doing well, and then come to sit on the couch and starts playing poorly, I will go find something to do in the kitchen so that I'm in the lucky room:) Yep! It's true!!!!!!  But if he starts doing well again, I've got to be crazy to think it is because I went to the kitchen!!!!! It's his skill! He just straightened out his game!!!!!  How often I do this with God though. I did my quiet time 5 days in a row, and good things were happening and prayers were answered. Then if I miss a couple of days, I think I'm being punished for not doing the quiet time ritual.  Do you do this??? Please tell me I'm not the only one!

I'm a rules person. I'm strict - even with myself. I'm harsh with myself. I remember when I was younger, I would read some verses in the Bible and internalize it like this: Nancy, come on. This verse just says to not gossip and the other one says to help people. Just do that today.

I saw it as a check list that I needed to complete - the most impossible check list ever! If I see the Christian life as a life of rules, it's over for me. First, that is a terrible way to live...boring...harsh. Plus, it is constant defeat because I know I won't get it right. It feels like it would be the life of misery. 

I don't want to do things because I'm told I have to. I don't think anyone does. But that is the huge component so many of us are missing when we read the Bible. We miss the love component. If Jesus is a boss....then we are just working every day. If Jesus is a dad, or a brother, or a friend...then doing things for Him is fun or worth it because there is love.

What do you think?

Is it manageable? How are you coping? Or do you not have much to worry about right now? 

The things I focus on as worries...not so sure they should be my focal point. But when it is all I see, what else am I supposed to look at?!?

The other question here is, how is your entertainment life? Sounds like a weird question, I know. But what is your heart entertaining? 

These people begged Jesus to leave. His way was too scary. Too unknown. Too wild. He had only just arrived. He'd barely gotten started. 

But they couldn't take it. Who knows what they missed out on?

Are you tempted to ask God to leave? Are things or is he too scary? Unknown? Wild? Would you rather go the rest of the way without him? 

I think everybody feels that at some point right? This story puts it into a really good perspective.

I trusted in our income to stay steady and then COVID hit and Ted's business came to a complete stop. 

I trusted in Summer to keep me happy... then she grew up. 

My friend trusted his health since he was in his 40s. 

Then they found cancer when they were doing a different test.   

Everything is out of my control. Your control. Nothing is a guarantee and that is scary to me. 

Do you feel like you are drowning?

Do you feel content with how your life is? If you died today, are you satisfied with where/what you ended up with? 

I've struggled with this a lot because there are a lot of awesome things to do and get. And for most of my life, the Bible or God asked too much of me. Too much time, too much commitment, too many 'no's...just too much of what I didn't want. But life looks very different now than I ever thought I would but I think I'm more satisfied today than I was 5 years ago when I was heading in a completely different direction. Is this making sense?