This week, we get into Half Past Dead, or as we like to call it: Halfway to straight-to-DVD for the remainder of Steven Seagal’s career! Alcatraz! Ja Rule! Gold Heists! Cars! Guns! Russians! OH MY GOD WE’RE ALREADY YELLING SO WE MIGHT AS WELL GET INTO IT!
Here we go, cuh.
Squishy Steven is stuck in a cell, in the stockade, since stripping stolen sedans is still a sin! Segal’s disruptive force! Bromantic bazooka spooning! Tactical goth squads! Morris Chestnut and his trench coat Mafia! No Ja-rules! Sneaky, cinematic Seagal segments! Hand-to-hand henchman hoisting! Temu Tyson Beckford! Duel in the industrial arena! You don’t see a lot of swinging chain fights these days! Utilizing armed inmates! In the heli as welly! Bob is an idiot, but Chris and Rob are idioter, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week we get into 80s historical fiction, Girls Just Want To Have Fun. Not too much fun though, they don’t even say “wanna,” which would come off as a little more informal and a lot more up for anything. Champagne wishes and leotard dreams coming right up for yerrrrrr!
Here we go.
Giddy, godly, go go girls grind with guys, grappling with a groovy gyration game, giving gramps the gloomy gus groan, then green light gladness! Super 80s caucasian dance pop kind of … thing? Horny babysitting tactics! Rich Bitch Natalie is just fucking awful! Chris wants to get back there! Lynn’s limb manipulation! Rob is right about walkaround milk, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Also, shameless plug! Bob’s daughter Ilijana’s short film, A Trip To Lua, is streaming for free on Youtube.
This week, we answer Slow Drip’s request, and take on Hobgoblins! Rob has technical difficulties and melts down! Chris makes an “impastable” assertion! Bob stumps us with Fact or No Fact! This is one for the ages.
Let’s go!
A garish & grimy Gremlins grift has got growling goblinoids grabbing a geeky goober, his grimacing girlfriend, a goony gabagool guzzler, his go-to good-time go-go girl and their girly goofball gal-pal! Co-host crackhouse queries! Pussies get no snussy! Army man, the two-pump chump! Mind controlled phone-sex fuckboi, the dialup dick tickler! Chris’ profound take on unwatchable stagnant views! Club scum and the buckets of… ! Tit scope primers! Lackadaisical light lore, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Here's the mail, it never fails, except when Dustyn suggests Teen Witch, upon which we'll rail!
Saddle up, fuckers! It's time to get witchy!
Teenage trick teaser taken with a twenty something turns tempered terrain into twenties, a tot into a terrier, a toad into a tonic, and a teacher into a topless trouser twirler! The Paranormal Porkies that could have been! Fudge brother diary smudging! Sticky but fascinating classroom jabbing! Marcia Wallace! Cycle sulking on the way to an eccentric seer! Sparky Sperm and Edna the Egg! Brad Fonzies a Coke machine! Drivin’ through the fog like a hog with a hardon! Quick panic puppy bath! What happened to the apron? First-timer fuck shacks! Second-timer sex boats, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Email us, you cowards!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we continue to dig deep into our mailbag with Kayla's suggestion, Jupiter Ascending... or as we like to call it, “Stupider Unending.” This was really, really, really, really, really, really bad. Like super bad. Not like the movie, Superbad, which is actually kinda good, but like actually super, duper bad.
What have we done?
Jupiter Jones joins a journey jonesing for genetic justice, just after Jupiter jettisons her juvenile jam! Insignificant integrity! Human goo mining! Realigning the quantum chi! Twin Tower trauma triggers! Dropping the jizz jar! Joop’s majestic powers of deduction! Vocal fry until we die! Blasting lycanthrope ropes! Canine cock! More rejuvenating jelly! Mutt mallet? Mister Whispers, the badboy brother! Gary "Oldham," and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Don't forget that this is our mailbag season, so email us you cowards!
This week, we get into Freddy Got Fingered; a film that Rob gives too much credit while Chris and Bob wish death on him. We’re kicking off our 24th season: new(ish format), new bumpers, and, most importantly, we’re digging into the mailbag. Big shoutout to Midge from Glasgow, Scotland for this request. We’re worse off for it, and for that we thank you!
Let's just go ahead and fuck this duck, shall we?
Green gives us Gord, goes for grossout gags, gets the gimpy girl, garners gonorrhea from a galloping gelding, and gains garnishments via goofy graphics! Fists full of horse cock! Japan four? Shins of sin! Bob’s bulge is back! Casual bestiality! Umbilical impropriety! Bamboo Blondes! Veggie blowjays? Wanton destruction of private property (again!)! Rip Torn’s butthole! Fist full of elephant cock this time! Chris riding Rob's coattails! Unexpected Gymkata drops, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
We’re digging into the mailbag this season, so email us you cowards! Thanks again, Midge!
Good movie week. Alien! Starring the only person on Earth named Sigourney. What a flick! What a legacy! Too bad all the other ones mark a slow decline. We hear the new series is great though. But this is a movie podcast, and we only talk about those things as we dissect them with our state-of-the-art equipment.
This one’s great though!
Ridley renders a rival ‘restrial, who raids and rumbles relentlessly until Ripley, racked with revenge, releases the rival to ruthless reentry. Alien deepthroat sessions! Face hugging leads to face fucking! Chest ‘splosies! Snake skin duct dangles! Impatiently throbbing eggs! Points deducted for Pipe Logic (™) nightmares, and much, much more on this week's episode of The BEST Movie Ever Made!
Starting our mailbag season next week.
Drop us a line: www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we close out our sequel season with The Crow: Wicked Prayer, starring John Connor cosplaying as Harry Potter cosplaying as Robert Smith if he were a Native American … or something. Rob watched every single crow sequel and reboot in preparation for this episode, and for the sole purpose of defending one of the best revenge thrillers of all time.
We once covered the OG Crow movie during good movie week, and maybe Chris will finally come around and realize how it’s a cinematic masterpiece, unlike Wicked Prayer which is just a fart in your gas pump. Bob is sick, so email him a lozenge or something. He’s gonna need it after this one.
Yelling:
Convict coerces convicts to carve, kill, and clobber, creating chaos in the community, while the curse comeback crow causes counterstrike calamity and crushes killer cunty cretins. Gratuitous textposition! Gasoline freezer fire?! Chris’ alcohol and Fruit Loop sex dungeon! Broad daylight wedding rape? Dennis Hopper jive talk! Emergency rain dance surgery, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we get into Universal Soldier: The Return, which is really the fourth film in the series, but a direct sequel to the first one. Rob and Chris think it’s an improvement from the first installment, but Bob begs to differ. As long as JCVD hits his contractually obligated slow-mo roundhouse kick quota, all is right with the world.
Here we go!
Seth surmises scientific sabotage, so surprises suits and soldiers with siege and slaughter, but is subsequently squelched in a standoff with a sprout! Disappointing lack of JCVD’s ass! Tree titty tie ups! Lookin’ at the wrong twins! The noggin toboggan/Goldberg Rosebud (™)! Supercomputer UNISOL assembly lines! Rocketing into the nether realm! Brain-operating laser inconsistencies! Unconsenting zombie slaughter, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Gearing up for an entire season of listener requests.
Email us, you cowards!
Environmental romantic thriller horror time as we dive into Birdemic 2: The Resurrection!
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Giant Jumbo Jellyfish jabs Jezebel just as Generic Joes and Josephines join to jab and jeopardize jay-like jumbo-jet sized jackdaws! Tit-scope triplets get totaled! Abhorrent audio and acting! Crows kill cavemen mid CaveHub(™) climax! Rod's rotten cod kills a kid! Rope-along Miata road head drive ‘n slide?! Big-lib Propaganda Bob! Chris’ poopin’ and doomin’! Breen by proxy?! The “didn’t make it” pile, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
You knew you’d eventually see us cover Ernest Goes to Africa, and the day of reckoning is upon us! Surprisingly, this ISN’T the most problematic movie we’ve covered on the pod, but it’s definitely up there. However! Jim Varney was such an all around good guy and wholesome figure, we’re kinda willing to give him a pass on this one.
Know what we mean, Vern?
Yucky yokel yanks a yoke to yield a yo yo, yelps and yowls, and yearns for a younger yenta! Wildly waving your wood in a crowd! Gerald Foghorn?! Grinding your goldfish in a garbage disposal! Bazoo with his big old kazoo! Pre-rape rituals? 10% Charlie?! Lack of eggshell continuity! Deserved dialect disambiguation! Wrangling what dangles, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!!!
This week, we continue our sequel season with Tooth Fairy 2; a direct-to-video clusterfuck of recycled jokes that nobody asked for. This is truly the turd of the ages. We’d hardly call it a movie, but it clocks in at about 90 minutes and attempts to tell a story, so here we are.
Let’s Get ‘Er Doneeeeeee!
Repugnant redneck raids rugrats rooms for roots, remitting rewards, and ruining a romantic relationship! Bob goes hard on the Rs! Automobile auction adultery announcements! Beauregard with no regard for being locked up on that man’s pussy! Brooke n’ Big Boy’s BBQ blblblblbl! Larry the Cable Guy remembering the memory he doesn’t remember! Biting off Bubba’s gumption! Ass-first Fairy Land arrival! Why are birds awake, it’s twelve o’clock?! 18 creamie weemies! Bob only has 5 minutes to yank one out, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we slither our way through our sequel season with Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid; a movie that so aggressively undermines its own premise within the first five minutes of run time that it's actually impressive. We don’t know how we ended up here, and we’re certainly not happy about it.
Let’s yell it out now!
Pharma finds flowers for furthering folk’s function, forcing friends and foes to forage the forest for fauna, unfortunately, a forked tongue and fangs force fatalities and form a franchise! Snake-centered gloryholes! Hollywashing the premise! Tropical tropes on tap! Keeping a capuchin in your closet! Bushwacking for booty! Face-down open casket. Unquaffable waterfall hair? Gyrating sex balls! The Jungle Jack Smash! Unconsenting stock options, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we chug along the tracks at breakneck speeds in the company of Mr. Boom Boom Chubby Choo Choo as we take a look at Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; the locomotive sequel of a nautical Die Hard ripoff. For pure entertainment value, and the villains alone, this is worth watching. Steven Seagal’s performance, on the other hand, meh…
Let’s get into it, shall we!
Tall and tubby trooper takes teen on a train taken by terrorists trying to total targets until the tremendous tactician takes the task to topple terrorism! Beach babe’s boobs get binoculared by bureaucrats! The Dark Territory tagline tally! Flames in the fireless firmament! “Everything but the n-word” antagonist! Teddy bears every six seconds! Captains co-fucking in the cab of a choo-choo! Seinfeld scenery driving! Kahlúa ka-blooah! Gratuitous Seagal insertions, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we get into Jaws: The Revenge; a film that does in the impossible by using slasher tropes with a fucking shark. We were waiting for the scene when the girl gets the phone call asking her what her favorite scary movie is, but only before a soaking wet apex predator comes barreling out of the closet wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete. Sadly, that would have been a better beat than what we just witnessed, so of course we have to talk about it.
Jaws IV, let’s go!
Sheriff’s son, Sean, sees scary shark in the shallow sea shore… the shark, showing shiny sharp shards, shanks Sean, starting some shady shitty story! Putting the junk in Junkanoo! Deep sea telepathy! From grief to getaway! Fuck you a Funnybone sandwich! Unconscious conches! Silly story support! Hoagie’s stogies? Government jellyfish money, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Get ready to have your Sandler Slot ™ rattled, because it’s time to talk about a pickle-eating shoe man in the form of The Cobbler! The Cobbler? More like The SANDLE-er. Adam Sandler! 23 seasons in, and we’re still somehow alive.
Also… big shoutout to Slowdrip for suggesting that we watch this one. We’re all worse off for it, so thank you for knowing how to play the game.
Alliterations!
Shoe shiner and slip on surfacer slips into sandals and stilettos, assuming status of citizens of the city, sometimes sinning, seldomly surprising, and sans a satisfying story! Scaring skaters to sleep! Skinwalking into stereotypes and shower shags! Make mom model's modified moccasins?! The daddy-mamma dementia dance! The lotsa matzah calling card! She-Man/Shoe-Man switcheroo! Breaking Chris’ Grease streak, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we get into Goodfellas for some coke blowing, titty slapping, Pesci whacking fun. Good movie week? Great movie week! We all love this one, but there is one GLARING problem in the opening act that will make you reconsider some things... or WILL they? Who are we to say? We’re just a few guys asking questions.
Here we go!
Gangster goings on and gangs grifting goods, gaining growing gangster ground! Getting heavy on the Pesci! Continuous underbelly club shots! Doesn’t insist upon itself! Owe money to the mob, and need cash now? Call J.J. Wentworth, 877-CASH-NOW! Cool Ridin’ Bob! Ring counting mole cuts, and much more on this week’s episode of The BEST Movie Ever Made.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Imagine this scenario: A new Neil Breen joint drops, and you beg your mom to take you, and she tells you, “We have Neil Breen at home,” before firing up A Talking Cat?! on streaming. That’s exactly what this movie is. But for some reason it’s not without charm; come for the talking cat, but maybe stick around for a while, throw your feet up on the ottoman while you’re working on coding, and wolf down a couple trays full of cheese puffs. We’re not saying that A Talking Cat?! Is a good movie. In fact, it’s QUITE THE OPPOSITE (Chris). However! We’re all glad that we exist at the same time as this pile of trash because it proves the point that if you’re willing to throw resources at a project, no matter how stupid, nobody’s going to stop you.
Let’s get into it, shall we?
A close to catatonic cat continuously yet cautiously converses, communicates, and confers with cringy characters who collide concurrently causing catastrophe, then confusion then a crappy conclusion! Home-kitchen caterer can’t cater without kid labor! Ignoring your offspring’s alarming audio hallucinations! Psycho susan’s raw-dog removal and hotel pan handoff! Programmer’s pile of pilfered puffs! Susan’s Pantry Country Catering? Ass worship and dirt-pipe milkshakes! Rob’s on-air meltdown over technical issues that totally weren’t his fault, problematic post-production predictions, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Boy, oh boy… this week, we get into Timecut, A.K.A. Rob’s “Rosebud.” This sci-fi slasher is a turd of the highest order, rife with time-travel inspired junk science, the worst kind of nostalgia baiting, and frequent trips to Olive Garden to let audiences know that Olive Garden is, in fact, a real restaurant that you can help shareholders earn money with if you get the chicken alfredo and cheesecake with extra strawberries. They must have eaten at Olive Garden, like, seven times!
But wait, there’s more!
Trade-in teenager time travels to a tiny town’s traumatic timeline of teen termination to tamper with today, trying to tweak timetables to turn around tomorrow! Trouser hams! Leaving out local law enforcement! Millennium Member Berry nostalgia mining! Fucking over future father by disappearing his other daughter! Butter Fingering time boxes! Too many Quinns! Prime sluts! Cavalier clutch fucking, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Hold up… it’s still bad movie week isn’t it? Then why in the name of John Woo’s BUTTHOLE are we buring 90 minutes of sweet, sweet podcast runtime talking about Face/Off? 93% on Rotten Tomatoes, Chris. What the hell?!
There's a lot to talk about because this movie is an insane time capsule that perfectly articulates the height of ‘90s action movie excess. It’s illogical, but who cares? It’s overacted in a way that’s both operatic and absurd, but, also, who cares?
Face/Off fucking rules, and I’m willing to die on this hill. I think Chris is too. Bob only sent us a complaint about the runtime in the group chat because he’d rather watch Quiz Show, so the Jury’s still out on him.
Time to yell!
Dissimilar stubborn supposed studs swap sockets, skin, sneers, stubble, and sideburns so that the savior could stop sabotage while the sadist slays civil servants and shares the sheets for spousal snuggling! Snuffing a ciggie on sleeping Castor! Policeman’s partner doesn’t pick up on penis replacement! Non-consensual face removal! Dead child changeouts! Caucasian tan-line semantics! Castor Troy’s ass-crumb trail! Fucking magnet prisons?! Chris peeing during the closing credits, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
