This week, we chug along the tracks at breakneck speeds in the company of Mr. Boom Boom Chubby Choo Choo as we take a look at Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; the locomotive sequel of a nautical Die Hard ripoff. For pure entertainment value, and the villains alone, this is worth watching. Steven Seagal’s performance, on the other hand, meh…
Let’s get into it, shall we!
Tall and tubby trooper takes teen on a train taken by terrorists trying to total targets until the tremendous tactician takes the task to topple terrorism! Beach babe’s boobs get binoculared by bureaucrats! The Dark Territory tagline tally! Flames in the fireless firmament! “Everything but the n-word” antagonist! Teddy bears every six seconds! Captains co-fucking in the cab of a choo-choo! Seinfeld scenery driving! Kahlúa ka-blooah! Gratuitous Seagal insertions, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we get into Jaws: The Revenge; a film that does in the impossible by using slasher tropes with a fucking shark. We were waiting for the scene when the girl gets the phone call asking her what her favorite scary movie is, but only before a soaking wet apex predator comes barreling out of the closet wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete. Sadly, that would have been a better beat than what we just witnessed, so of course we have to talk about it.
Jaws IV, let’s go!
Sheriff’s son, Sean, sees scary shark in the shallow sea shore… the shark, showing shiny sharp shards, shanks Sean, starting some shady shitty story! Putting the junk in Junkanoo! Deep sea telepathy! From grief to getaway! Fuck you a Funnybone sandwich! Unconscious conches! Silly story support! Hoagie’s stogies? Government jellyfish money, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Get ready to have your Sandler Slot ™ rattled, because it’s time to talk about a pickle-eating shoe man in the form of The Cobbler! The Cobbler? More like The SANDLE-er. Adam Sandler! 23 seasons in, and we’re still somehow alive.
Also… big shoutout to Slowdrip for suggesting that we watch this one. We’re all worse off for it, so thank you for knowing how to play the game.
Alliterations!
Shoe shiner and slip on surfacer slips into sandals and stilettos, assuming status of citizens of the city, sometimes sinning, seldomly surprising, and sans a satisfying story! Scaring skaters to sleep! Skinwalking into stereotypes and shower shags! Make mom model's modified moccasins?! The daddy-mamma dementia dance! The lotsa matzah calling card! She-Man/Shoe-Man switcheroo! Breaking Chris’ Grease streak, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we get into Goodfellas for some coke blowing, titty slapping, Pesci whacking fun. Good movie week? Great movie week! We all love this one, but there is one GLARING problem in the opening act that will make you reconsider some things... or WILL they? Who are we to say? We’re just a few guys asking questions.
Here we go!
Gangster goings on and gangs grifting goods, gaining growing gangster ground! Getting heavy on the Pesci! Continuous underbelly club shots! Doesn’t insist upon itself! Owe money to the mob, and need cash now? Call J.J. Wentworth, 877-CASH-NOW! Cool Ridin’ Bob! Ring counting mole cuts, and much more on this week’s episode of The BEST Movie Ever Made.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
Imagine this scenario: A new Neil Breen joint drops, and you beg your mom to take you, and she tells you, “We have Neil Breen at home,” before firing up A Talking Cat?! on streaming. That’s exactly what this movie is. But for some reason it’s not without charm; come for the talking cat, but maybe stick around for a while, throw your feet up on the ottoman while you’re working on coding, and wolf down a couple trays full of cheese puffs. We’re not saying that A Talking Cat?! Is a good movie. In fact, it’s QUITE THE OPPOSITE (Chris). However! We’re all glad that we exist at the same time as this pile of trash because it proves the point that if you’re willing to throw resources at a project, no matter how stupid, nobody’s going to stop you.
Let’s get into it, shall we?
A close to catatonic cat continuously yet cautiously converses, communicates, and confers with cringy characters who collide concurrently causing catastrophe, then confusion then a crappy conclusion! Home-kitchen caterer can’t cater without kid labor! Ignoring your offspring’s alarming audio hallucinations! Psycho susan’s raw-dog removal and hotel pan handoff! Programmer’s pile of pilfered puffs! Susan’s Pantry Country Catering? Ass worship and dirt-pipe milkshakes! Rob’s on-air meltdown over technical issues that totally weren’t his fault, problematic post-production predictions, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Boy, oh boy… this week, we get into Timecut, A.K.A. Rob’s “Rosebud.” This sci-fi slasher is a turd of the highest order, rife with time-travel inspired junk science, the worst kind of nostalgia baiting, and frequent trips to Olive Garden to let audiences know that Olive Garden is, in fact, a real restaurant that you can help shareholders earn money with if you get the chicken alfredo and cheesecake with extra strawberries. They must have eaten at Olive Garden, like, seven times!
But wait, there’s more!
Trade-in teenager time travels to a tiny town’s traumatic timeline of teen termination to tamper with today, trying to tweak timetables to turn around tomorrow! Trouser hams! Leaving out local law enforcement! Millennium Member Berry nostalgia mining! Fucking over future father by disappearing his other daughter! Butter Fingering time boxes! Too many Quinns! Prime sluts! Cavalier clutch fucking, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Hold up… it’s still bad movie week isn’t it? Then why in the name of John Woo’s BUTTHOLE are we buring 90 minutes of sweet, sweet podcast runtime talking about Face/Off? 93% on Rotten Tomatoes, Chris. What the hell?!
There's a lot to talk about because this movie is an insane time capsule that perfectly articulates the height of ‘90s action movie excess. It’s illogical, but who cares? It’s overacted in a way that’s both operatic and absurd, but, also, who cares?
Face/Off fucking rules, and I’m willing to die on this hill. I think Chris is too. Bob only sent us a complaint about the runtime in the group chat because he’d rather watch Quiz Show, so the Jury’s still out on him.
Time to yell!
Dissimilar stubborn supposed studs swap sockets, skin, sneers, stubble, and sideburns so that the savior could stop sabotage while the sadist slays civil servants and shares the sheets for spousal snuggling! Snuffing a ciggie on sleeping Castor! Policeman’s partner doesn’t pick up on penis replacement! Non-consensual face removal! Dead child changeouts! Caucasian tan-line semantics! Castor Troy’s ass-crumb trail! Fucking magnet prisons?! Chris peeing during the closing credits, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Last season, “Life On the Line” won the title of Worst Movie ™, and it’s thanks to the star-studded collaboration between John Travolta and Devon Sawa working as linemen (LINEMEN!). This season, we bring Fred Durst into the mix (again, kinda) with The Fanatic; also starring John Travolta and Devon Sawa but they hardly do any line work at all!
Let’s fucking gooooo!
A fan of a famous film fellow and a friendly female photographer focus on and follow folks for nefarious fulfillment! Chris and Rob’s poo parallel! Nonsensical and infrequent narrator! Security suggesting strangulation is acceptable! Hobby shop host helps Moose hop halfway through the queue! Rob’s embarrassing, deep-cut Limp Bizkit knowledge! Half-assed autism acting, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week we talk about John Carter! The movie that didn’t have Jared Leto but so desperately wanted to (it would have sucked anyway). It seems like a copycat movie, but that’s an anachronistic take once we get into the nitty gritty, so let’s do it!
Yelling!
Giants, Deja, and Jeddaks join John on a Jihad, journeying to a juggernaut of jousting javelins, just so Johnny can jangle his jewel! Alien animal cruelty! Jumpin’ John’s abrupt abductions! Junk astronomy! Native American martians! White savior saving the savages? Baking out baby Barsoomians! Bald guys in disguise! The Jeddak of Helium? Bumbling and unbelievable worldbuilding! Roman soldiers with fur! Creatine beans, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Paul Bart: Mall Cop! Wow, what a movie!
Here we go.
Fat fella flunks a field test final, forcing the flabby fatso to fend off foes at a food court, flingin the fleshy full-figured fucker, fracturing fixtures and frontage. Preeminent pipe logic problems! Boomer humor for the lazy consumer! Poking fun at single parent passed on by pudgy expat! Porky pranks for the entire picture! Sandler’s just-competent-enough Farley Surrogate? Bob’s Pahud bazooka! Inconsistently crashing through glass, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we take over the HOV lane with Carpool; the family comedy that wants so badly to be edgy, but ultimately fails because it’s trying to capture the minds and hearts of a younger audience. The end result is a movie that’s got really great pacing and sense of cause and effect, but has just a little too much Tom Arnold for comfort.
Here we go!
Clingy carny criminal cajacks and kidnaps kids, is caught by a Karen cop, and continues to cut and run, causing chaos constantly! Child abduction breast reduction! Arnold almost always averts attention away from aiming automobile! PC police prevent piss-poor P.T. Barnum from profiting! Factory circus? Improper tube logic, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we take a bite out of Munchie; Gremlins' very own B-movie version of Mac and Me. This also marks our 200th episode. We celebrate by hitting rock bottom, and we plan to sink even lower in the coming weeks!
Here we go!
Double Doms on the pod! A garbage Gremlins and Ghoulies grift where Gage gallavants with a geezer, a girl, and a greasy grotesque gargoyle, getting even with grungry guys, his guardian’s gullible gal pal, and a goon who’s gatekeeping at a grade school! Detectives detain doctor who destroys doughnut shop! Family films firing squad! Muppet Megophilia! Main character/mustache man mother makeout staredown! A fridge with tits! Doug Funny daydreamin’! Greedy Gage getting granted gratuitously without gratitude, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Baby Geniuses. We have nothing to say about this in the writeup aside from our yelling and alliterations. Total dogshit. What a bullshit way to start Season 22! Don’t watch this movie. Listen to this episode though, it rules!
Babies who are barely babies bewilder buffoon behaviorists, break out of the bio lab, only to break back in and bonk baby bashing bastards with a brawling baby bot. DeLuise’s lug nuts! Pee-oopie bottoms baby bowel banter! Broad daylight duffle bagging! Big baby fat shaming and wishing Sheeva would rain wrath down on your friends! Stoller seduction! Breenish bullshit, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
Good movie week, thank god! Though you could argue that last week’s Y2K episode was an honorary good movie week because Rob said so. Anyhow, this week we’re talking about Leon: The Professional. It’s sentimental. It’s action packed. And our titular character drinks SO. MUCH. MILK.
Time to yell:
A hermit hitman who’s helpful and humble is hired by a hopeful half-pint to harm the hostile, heartless, and hypocritical henchmen who hurt her homeboy! “Damn he’s good” trope done right! Sleeping seated! Rob fucks up the soundboard (again)! Sibling crime scene! Spot-on selection of cinema superstars! Little Shop of Horrors Homage? Eight subtle Manolos, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week we take a look at Y2K, the poignant historical fiction of our time that accurately encapsulates the fallout of our first robot uprising. We know this is the end of our “bad movie” season before doing a good movie next week, but we (read: Rob) will argue in this movie’s favor for being such an explosive exploration of retro-futuristic tech, teen romance, and our lord and savior, Fred Durst.
Did you think this movie sucked? Because we (read: Rob) thought QUITE THE OPPOSITE (fuck you, Chris). Let’s get into the mayhem.
A kinda cringey kid, a cute coder, and a completely cool kiwi combat killer computers who kill kids! Kilobyte catastrophe! The Member Berry grift! Machines have Matrix motives! Locality leaves a lot unlearned! Another episode echoing Eddie character’s cranial cooking! Piss-mouth pal goes public! Chris gives himself too much credit! Throbby Robby’s ironic layers of abstraction! 10,000 maniacs getting twisted, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we put our lives on the line while reviewing Life on the Line; a movie about life on the line, where the line between the life off the line and the life off the line is constantly on the line… for life. That’s a really convoluted way to say a whole bunch of nothing, which is fitting for a movie of this caliber.
Yelling:
Linemen labor on the line living lives within a lethal landscape, and lap up lots of liquor living with a looming liver loss liability! Hymens busted by linemen! Bob’s jizz bucket redemption arc! Beyond bullshit buildup! Poor and exploitative portrayal of PTSD! Duncan’s diner diamond dash! Pre wifey wham-bamming ham slamming! Bad boy’s rapey Bailey boner, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we get into Universal Soldier. Is it an action comedy, or a comedy with action? How long does it take for Jean-Claude Van Damme to expose his perfectly chiseled ass? Is this basically a Terminator knockoff?
Listen along as we unpack the above questions.
Zombie Zealots zip, zigzag, and zero in on a zippy jezebel and another zombie at his zenith! Huey kablooey! Talent taping television pre-termination! Asking 80s action actors to acquire American accents! Female phone fumbling! Return of the “damn, he’s good” trope! Garth’s spinal stem? Best dead driver award! Cranky at the Yankee! Chris’ soaked and slippery beat boxing, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made.
www.theworstmovieevermade.com
This week, we get into Unhinged, or as we like to call it, “Falling Brown”... like the Michael Douglas movie, but with “brown” meaning poop. They really thought they had something like this one with their whole “man is pushed too far” thing, but in order for that to work, the characters need to be written as likeable.
BUMMER!
Rotund and reckless Russell road-rages ruthlessly rather than reflecting, then rejecting the rules and ramming a Range Rover! Hammer man! Underfunded federales! Idiot adolescent accidentally alerting intruder to area! Minivan mother mockery! Facile feelings for flaming Fred! Pancaked piggies! Homicide by proxy, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, we collectively yell “FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCK!” as we try to make sense of 1993’s Deadfall, prominently featuring the man, the myth, the legend, Nicolas Cage. Wow, what a movie.
Just watch it, it’s worth your time.
Cage can’t contain chaotic yet carefree characteristics while cunning cons continue conning competing cons! Craving columbian cocoa crop kibbles! Chuck Sheen! Deep fat frying your former friend’s face! Eddie’s pre-third-act-load-blow! Rob wins the season? Chris gives too much credit? Bob on the spot? Sam Fucking Peckinpaahhhhhh! Nicolas Cage’s mommy moaning, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
This week, the gang gets ready to rumbleeeeeeee with 2000’s Ready to Rumble, a total bag of dicks of a movie that you should never watch. But we watched it, so we need to break it down for you. Oliver Platt deserved better, and if he were dead he’d be spinning in his grave like a fucking pinwheel.
Here we go!
Relatively rotund and really raunchy wrestler regains resolve and receives award! Poo-pump proprietor punished by pungent parkway prolapse! Nonsense noose on Nitro! Beyond obvious Butterfinger branding! Hard R-tard (again)! Ass juice losers! Septic dripping supper consuming dickbags! Rob loses his voice! Shit clothing switcheroo, and much, much more on this week’s episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!
