It took me a long time to write/post this; to the extend that I was even running away from posting podcasts altogether... or even be more proactive in life because of this.
Perhaps the knowledge of this further reinstates the fact that feel that I'm broken, damage, together with the fact that my leg is no longer good from the accident.
I delved abit more about my dissociative tendencies; from zoning out at work, having issues with memories due to different "perceived realities", to removing myself from certain situations. My avoidant tendency makes things worse.
Maybe it's the time where I finally face and write this that made me word vomit today... and I made this content because I decided to stay true to my direction ; at the very least of using this space to talk about my mental health journey.
It is not the best... but every time when I'm on here, it reminds me that I'm at least... trying.
At this point of posting; I have addressed my issues to my doctors again and they decided to let me take some time off the medication and see how it goes from here.
I feel the medication is a mixed bag to me as I'd felt positive effects in the early times; but it felt like I crash-numb after.
Going back to Twitch was an escape... at first; but it was also many things. The universe's calling? Maybe, because Twitch is going to streamline their storage to 100hours, so that got me up and working - exporting all 14 hundred hours of streaming content all onto Youtube.
And during so really did bought me across memory lane, my discord journey, and the family that I had neglected after I started working.
Friends is a tacky subject after we adult; some have marry, some have babies, some just have work and it's tougher and tougher to get together/hangout or even connect. And we're bound to drift; this little revisitation bought me back for abit, to even leading to the revival of our quiet ol' discord community and it felt like a reminder for me to give myself a break every now and then; to have fun, play games and heck- live alittle!
Came to this conclusion upon thinking; and love is indeed like a drxg. So... that does validate my thinking of how feelings is weak right?
Because that meant that we do have one more think to worry about, one more weakness... our love and also because of the chemistry that happened in our body while we're in love...
So that's how we get... addicted... no?
Just abit of a rumble and back post; y'know nights when you think about alot of things then wish you'd think about nothing at all
I think one of the topmost toxic words that I hear... is "should"
You "should " do this, you "should" do that.
From behaviours to life decisions, I'm robbed of alot of liberty since young. To being able to be independent and grow to being able to walk my own path.
In short, I'm surrounded by people who... felt that there are certain things that I should be doing to the best of my interest.
But... what if that's not me?
What if I'm unhappy doing that?
What if I'm actually didn't want to walked the path of "should?"
I got struck by something I saw on Instagram; The Tiny Wisdom by Brian. This piece of work really resonated with me.
From behaving different since young, being told that I'm weird as I am growing up, to even being told that this is not me and what I "should" be as I got older, this piece of work hits me in ways that I didn't expected to be hit (on a weekday morning).
The voices echoes inside me for the rest of the day, where my brain started digging up memories to go through; cues the highlights of my different point in life, from postcard trading to solo traveling, earning money on my own terms, being high on main character energy.
I once was on the tightrope of embracing myself and how I should be; until the society and people around me gave me that push... and fast forward to today, I'm a typical cog in the system, going about my everyday, keeping my head down... drawing blue squares.
There's no pause, there's no hack, there's nothing we can go about it except the dailies and our quests. However the difference between life and the game?
A game have it's perimeter much more well define, and we are rewarded; regardless... of our effort. So some succeed, some fail, and everything keeps on going. The world keeps turning, the cities never sleeps... and we can't stop playing.
I'd been thinking if this should be back posted or forward, but decided I shall keep the momentum of the weekly thing going.
So this episode covers my first post op thoughts; I probably might have forgotten most of what was being thought or discussed, but mostly how it was way tougher than I thought.
Having the most peg in a prolonged period, together with an unforeseen extension of surgery duration, I came back with my body like a piece of beaten up flesh.
And there's even abit of... Hallucination; I supposed it was the low I thought I'd be in (then).
It's been so long... I'd say so so long; before I could really sit down and get to posting. The spiralling valley pre-surgery and the whole recovery period, before jumping onto the sprint wagon hoping to do more for work.
But at what cost?
So after everything, and my declining mental health, I decided to sit down, and really start unpacking... and queueing certain stuff that I should have, but didn't..
And here's the first of many... and getting back on track of our (hopefully) weekly posting? It'll probably be a reminder for me to get back, to push myself to keep going.
Imagine this; albeit alittle abstract,
we are one person today, and another tomorrow, and another the day after all the way down to the future, and all of us are a team.
How would you feel if half of our team decided to procrastinate? Or a good portion of the team just decided to be irresponsible and leave it to the us tomorrow?
In this episode of ROTB comes mostly with some updates, and also about why I'm... not around. Distractions.
We all have them.
The worse thing? knowing that no matter whatever we are running away from only seem smaller at that point of time, but it's still always there.
I'm having an upcoming surgery in October, and I'd been panicking since August, going into a full on shut down mode since September.
And it does affect my life somewhat when I currently constantly disengage with the world.
For the ones who's still stuck in the abyss,
the ones who's trapped in self-blame, self-hate.
For the ones who didn't have self love, and question their worth.
Your life is actually worth more than you think :')
You know when you have a eureka moment? A breakthrough? Not just any breakthrough, but THE breakthrough.
Not too big of THAT breakthrough but enough to made me feel alive, to push through. Ever since I tuned myself to travel write, things and thoughts seem to be able to flow through me; until the recent months or rather year, where I even stopped painting altogether.
I stop accumulating my own artworks, and I'd used to told myself if i were to display it should be my own work instead of others. And there I'd taken a backseat for most of the time.
But today is alittle different; I pushed myself to write during my commute, to make sure all the places I'd been in my latest Kuala Lumpur trip didn't get buried. That I'd been in tune with my thoughts and feelings, that I'll write again, and let these feelings go through me.
This is me. I'm unapologetically passionate about some things, and I need to get the strength the push through. And as funny as it sounds, working has been my new comfort zone, where I'm hustling for keeps. Though... this time round the keeps would definitely come in handy.
And here's to making dreams come true
For those who know me, or came over to my place; you guys must have seen my wallpaper about that quote.
"It gets easier. Every day it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it every day —that's the hard part. But it does get easier."
It was a phrase that hits me when I was deep in depression, when I question my purpose and worthiness to exist. It was tough getting off bed, to even function. But this is that one quote that actually kept me going.
In this episode of Rye off the Bat, I'll like to dig abit deeper into why I have saviour complex.
"Ronnie, you only like broken girls"
This is sadly true. Fix things? I'm not sure, but it felt like this saviour complex has been with me for the longest time, even though now I'm better by being more aware.
But I decided to bare it out today, by exploring alittle deeper on why... I have saviour complex
we'll only be romantic when we're in love and parts we give to people, and we feel broken when we lose them. It is inevitable. But then again sometimes it is us giving away the parts of us the process of us learning to learn; and in return we also learn to love ourselves.
You snooze you lose; it's a household phrase where it is so commonly used that everybody knows. But why do we snooze then? What's making us do that, despite it being such a logically thing to do. Before we begin, the phrase was actually meant for us to put something off, but I also dig into another thing; literal snoozing.
Everyone who's struggling with some sort of depression knows that we may have times when we are reluctant to get out of bed; me too. And it just hits me today that, I snooze because I didn't felt like there's any consequences...
We always feel it's better looking back.
"How I wish I could be a student, then there's no responsibilities", "How I wish I'm a baby, don't have to do anything", the list goes on but you get me. But it's always looking that few phases back, from university looking back at your high school days, from working looking back at your college/uni times.
How about we try looking forward today?
Because if we had gone back then, had we didn't have our current psyche; it still would have "suck", and it's never better.
There's alot of us... right? The us before we change, the us before things change us, the us before we lose that part of ourselves. Think Theseus ship but with experience and memories.
I used to be such a wanderlust and I can't take another second of staying back here; I want to fly and I wanted to be free, but now I felt.... grounded.
It felt like I'd found some other priorities and things to work towards to but at the same time, I wonder if the me who's bitten by the travel bug is still in me.