Feeling like your marriage is broken is an incredibly painful and isolating experience. But does it mean it's truly beyond repair? In this episode, Therapevo's expert therapists, Verlynda and Caleb, provide a comprehensive and compassionate roadmap for couples who feel lost.

They break down Dr. John Gottman's "Four Horsemen"—the critical communication patterns that predict divorce—and discuss the non-negotiable situations where safety must be the absolute first priority. Most importantly, this episode is a guide to hope. You will learn the clear signs that your marriage is worth fighting for and hear a detailed breakdown of how Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) helps couples heal deep wounds and rebuild a powerful, lasting connection.

If you're looking for clarity and a real, evidence-based path forward, this episode is your first step.


➡️ Ready to find clarity? Therapevo offers specialized, high-quality online couples counseling. Book a FREE, confidential 20-minute consultation to learn more: https://therapevo.com/couples-counseling/

Quitting porn can lead to real and challenging withdrawal symptoms, from anxiety and cravings to physical fatigue and 'brain fog.' In this episode, we provide a complete, expert-led guide to understanding what to expect and how to manage these symptoms. You'll learn about the psychological and physical changes your brain undergoes during recovery and discover practical, healthy coping strategies. Learn why professional support is the most effective path to navigating withdrawal and achieving lasting sobriety.

Are you wondering how long it takes to recover from porn addiction? This episode breaks down the realistic timeline and stages of recovery, from initial sobriety to long-term healing. Learn what to expect, the factors that influence your journey, and why professional counseling is crucial for lasting change and building a fulfilling life free from compulsive porn use.

What if the behavior you see as "controlling" is actually a sign that your partner feels completely out of control inside? In this episode, therapists Caleb and Verlynda Simonyi-Gindele explore the paradox of control in relationships, revealing how a partner's need to manage schedules, finances, or friendships often stems from deep-seated fear, anxiety, or past trauma—not a desire to dominate.

Join us as we unpack the "why" behind these frustrating patterns and provide you with three actionable, therapist-approved steps to navigate them. You'll learn how to get curious instead of furious, practice healthy differentiation, and set loving boundaries that protect your peace without damaging your connection. This episode is for any couple feeling stuck in a cycle of frustration, looking for a path back to balance, understanding, and hope.

(Disclaimer: This episode discusses common frustrating dynamics in otherwise safe relationships. If you ever feel afraid or intimidated, your safety is the priority. Please see our show notes for domestic violence resources.)

Confessing an affair is one of the most difficult conversations you will ever have, and not preparing properly could mean the end of your marriage. The natural temptation is to minimize the facts or "trickle-truth" the disclosure, but this approach consistently causes more harm and destroys trust. In this episode, we walk through the difference between a confession that destroys and a disclosure that opens the door to possible repair. Learn exactly what to disclose, what details to avoid to prevent further trauma, and how to prepare for this conversation with courage and care.

Beyond myths! Latest research reveals the truth about female sexuality, libido, and desire. Empower your relationships with science-backed insights.

Uncover the surprising truth about male desire. We debunk 4 common myths, revealing how emotional connection and shared history truly fuel men's intimacy.

Have you ever felt trapped in a frustrating cycle of trying to quit pornography, only to relapse and feel consumed by shame? You’re not alone. Many people believe this struggle is about a lack of willpower, but the truth is much deeper—it's rooted in brain science, hidden emotional needs, and a cycle that can be incredibly difficult to break on your own.

In this episode, we go beyond surface-level advice to explore the "why" behind pornography addiction. Drawing on a compassionate, evidence-based approach to healing, we unpack the complex factors that keep you stuck and provide a clear path toward lasting recovery.

Tune in to learn:
- The Brain on Porn: We'll break down the science of the brain's "wanting" system (the mesolimbic dopamine pathway) and explain why your rational brain seems to go "offline" in moments of relapse.
- The Counterintuitive Role of Shame: Discover why self-punishment backfires and how shame secretly fuels the addiction cycle instead of stopping it.
- Beyond "Just Horny": We uncover the deeper, valid longings for connection that often masquerade as simple sexual urges and discuss healthy ways to meet those needs.
- A Path to Healing: Learn about actionable strategies, from rewiring neural pathways to the importance of finding specialized, non-judgmental professional help for recovery.

This episode offers a compassionate, science-based perspective to help you understand your struggle and equip you with the knowledge to finally break free.

To learn more about Therapevo's specialized approach to porn addiction therapy or to schedule a free and confidential consultation, visit our website.

Discover how childhood trauma shapes your adult life. Uncover hidden signs, understand its impact on relationships & career, and find your path to healing.

Do you find yourself repeatedly involved with people who leave you feeling drained, confused, or questioning yourself? Have you ever wondered, "Why do I keep attracting toxic people?" If so, you're not alone.







This question often places the blame squarely on your shoulders, leading to significant self-blame and shame, especially if you've been harmed repeatedly. But here's the truth: It’s not just about who you passively attract. The real issue lies in how individuals with exploitative, manipulative, or abusive behaviors actively target specific vulnerabilities and even positive characteristics in others.



In this article, we'll uncover the psychology behind these toxic relationship patterns. We'll show you how manipulators identify and exploit vulnerabilities, reveal their subtle and overt tactics, and most importantly, provide you with research-backed tools to heal, build resilience, and break free from these cycles for good. This isn't about blaming yourself; it's about understanding the pattern, reclaiming your power, and learning how to choose healthier, happier connections.



Shifting the Focus



The word "toxic" is frequently used, and in our profession, it generally refers to people who engage in harmful behaviors: exploitation, manipulation, abuse, or general disrespect. If you're experiencing this, we want to shift the focus from the self-blaming question, "Why do I attract toxic people?"



The Trap of Self-Blame



The question "Why do I keep attracting toxic people?" places the onus entirely on the person who has been harmed. It implies that something is fundamentally wrong with you that draws these individuals in. This perspective can lead to deep shame and a feeling of being inherently flawed, especially if it's a recurring pattern. People struggling with this often ask, "What is wrong with me?"—a truly difficult and painful place to be.



New Perspective: They Actively Target Vulnerabilities



We want to shift away from the idea of passive attraction to focusing on how exploitative individuals actively target others. They aren't just randomly showing up; they are often consciously or subconsciously seeking out specific traits and vulnerabilities. This means the responsibility for the manipulative or abusive behavior lies solely with the person exhibiting it, not the target.



Responsibility: Where It Truly Lies



The person who abuses or exploits is the one responsible for those actions. Understanding this is crucial because it takes the burden of blame off the person who has been targeted. While you may have vulnerabilities, the issue is their exploitation by someone else. As counselors, we believe you should be able to have your vulnerabilities, your challenges, your past experiences, and not be taken advantage of. You should be able to heal and exist in the world without fear of exploitation.



The Predator Analogy: Understanding the Dynamic



Consider a predator analogy. A bunny in a garden, happily eating, might ask, "Why do I attract hawks and coyotes?" This isn't the right question because it implies the bunny is flawed. Bunnies are resilient and vital to the ecosystem. They aren't inherently wrong for being bunnies.



A better question for the bunny is, "How can I be safer in this world, given there are predators, and I don't have many defenses?" This shifts the focus from self-blame to understanding the environment and developing strategies for safety and resilience. Similarly, for humans, having vulnerabilities doesn't make you flawed; it makes you human. The focus needs to be on understanding how to navigate relationships safely when exploitati...

After betrayal or infidelity, protect your mental health. Learn 7 urgent trauma steps to cope with shock, find support, & start healing now.

Infidelity vs. Sex Addiction: Navigating Betrayal and Paths to Healing



When betrayal hits, the pain runs deep. It's an experience that shatters trust and leaves individuals grappling with intense emotions and profound uncertainty. Understanding why it happened can be the first vital step toward healing. But sometimes a deeper question comes up: Is it infidelity, a heartbreaking breach of trust, or something more complex, like sex addiction? Today, we're diving into one of the most misunderstood topics in relationships to help bring clarity to your situation.







As licensed counselors, we approach this delicate subject with profound compassion and a non-judgmental stance, recognizing that this information may be encountered by both those who have betrayed and those who have been betrayed, often during a very fragile and intense moment in their relationship history. Our aim is to provide educated, understandable, friendly, and empathetic guidance.



This discussion will address some of your toughest questions, including:




* What are the key differences between infidelity and sex addiction?



* What are the signs and symptoms of sex addiction?



* I just found out about my partner's affair: how do I know if this is a one-time thing or the start of an addiction?



* What role does pornography play in infidelity and sex addiction?



* Are there assessments for sex addiction that I can use and trust?




Let's get into it.



Understanding Infidelity vs. Sex Addiction: Key Differences



One of the most common questions we hear is, "How do I know if this is infidelity or addiction?" When a couple is grappling with a recent discovery or disclosure, it can be incredibly challenging to differentiate between these two distinct patterns of behavior. While both involve sexual acting out outside of a committed relationship and cause immense pain, their underlying drivers and characteristics differ significantly.



Defining Infidelity



At its core, infidelity is defined as sexual activity with someone other than a primary romantic partner or spouse. It's important to clarify that today's discussion focuses specifically on sexual infidelity, not emotional affairs. While emotional affairs are undoubtedly a profound betrayal and cause deep hurt, they do not fall under the clinical definition of sexual infidelity, which specifically involves sexual behaviors.



Infidelity can manifest in various ways: it might be a single, isolated incident, or it could involve multiple extramarital partners, either serially or even simultaneously. The complexity increases when, for instance, an affair partner is also a sex trade worker, or if a long-term, even decade-long, secondary relationship or "second family" scenario exists. Even in such severe cases, the behavior can still be classified as infidelity if certain key elements of addiction are absent.



Defining Sex Addiction



Sex addiction, in contrast, is characterized by a recurrent failure to resist sexual impulses. The most crucial differentiator here is the concept of impulse control, or rather, the lack thereof. This isn't just about having sex multiple times with an affair partner; it's about a high level of spontaneity, impulsiveness, and uncontrollability surrounding the sexual activity. The individual feels compelled to act despite a desire to stop.



Core Differentiators Between Infidelity and Sex Addiction




* Impulse Control: This is paramount. With sex addiction,

Stop feeling guilty! Learn to set healthy boundaries correctly in relationships & life. Avoid manipulation, handle reactions, and protect yourself.

12 Leading Symptoms of Complex PTSD:

Affiliate link for Dr. van der Kolk's book The Body Keeps the Score: https://amzn.to/41YOT0J

1. Constant feeling of unsafety and hypervigilance.
2. Inability to relax, leading to bodily tension and discomfort with practices like meditation or yoga.
3. Difficulty sleeping, often waking up in high alert.
4. Negative self-image, including feelings of self-hatred and distorted sexuality.
5. Attraction to unavailable partners, while avoiding those who offer warmth.
6. Discomfort with intimacy, finding affectionate people repulsive.
7. Frequent anger outbursts, often driven by deep-seated fear rather than rage.
8. Paranoia, expecting hostility from others and being drawn to negative social media content.
9. Desire for isolation, preferring to be alone due to social anxiety.
10. Subtle suicidal ideation, feeling life is exhausting and unbearable.
11. Rigidity in routines, needing control to avoid perceived chaos.
12. Overworking as a coping mechanism, trying to achieve external success but never feeling safe.

Navigating the complexities of marital communication can sometimes feel like solving an intricate puzzle. Whether you've been together for years or entered into newlywed bliss, effective communication remains the backbone of a strong and loving relationship. Let's delve into five essential fundamentals that can transform the way you and your spouse connect, fostering a relationship where understanding, safety, and respect reign supreme.







1. Empathy and Understanding



Imagine trying to express your feelings, only to be met with dismissal or misunderstanding. The seed of successful communication is empathy – the ability to stand in your partner's shoes and genuinely understand their emotional landscape. Empathy isn't about agreeing on everything, but acknowledging that your partner's feelings and reactions make sense. Building this foundation starts with the simple act of listening, indicating understanding, and expressing gratitude for shared emotions.



2. Creating a Safe Space



For communication to flourish, both partners must feel safe to express their thoughts without fear of judgment or dismissal. A judgment-free zone signifies emotional safety, where your spouse feels comfortable sharing their vulnerabilities. It’s pivotal to resist minimizing each other’s feelings with phrases like "just relax," which undermine security. Instead, actively listen and validate emotions to solidify the trust and safety in your relationship.



3. Practicing Acceptance



Acceptance means cherishing your partner for who they are, even when they falter. This involves showing unconditional love and concern without imposing additional conditions. While it's easy to express frustration over minor flaws, remember that acceptance extends to moments of human imperfection. Reinforcing your love and appreciation even when things are less than perfect can fortify the emotional bond between you.



4. Upholding Respect



Respect is the cornerstone of healthy communication, especially amid disagreements. Fundamentally, no conflict should compromise either partner's integrity. Whether as simple as refraining from name-calling during disagreements or ensuring positive representation of your spouse in their absence, respect should be unwavering. Before responding in anger, pause to consider if your words will build the relationship or detract from it.



5. Embracing Openness



Openness encourages a culture of honest conversation, which can be daunting for some. Especially if you lean towards introversion or have grown up avoiding conflict, pushing through discomfort to disclose personal thoughts and worries is vital. When approached with empathy and acceptance, these honest exchanges nurture intimacy and trust, creating a more profound connection.



Practical Tips for Better Communication




* During your next disagreement, ensure you truly understand your spouse’s viewpoint before responding.



* Validate your spouse's feelings to reinforce emotional safety.



* Regularly express gratitude and appreciation, especially in challenging times.



* Remember respect when your spouse is present and in their absence.



* Cultivate a habit of open communication, starting small and building towards greater transparency.




Healthy communication isn't about flawless dialogue but fostering an environment where love, understanding, and respect consistently underpin your interactions. By integrating these fundamentals, you cultivate a relationship that not only withstands life's challenges but thrives a...

Welcome Back: Where We've Been and What's Next for the Podcast



In our 280th episode, we provide an update after a five-year hiatus!



We discuss our personal experiences, including burnout, career changes, and coping with the pandemic. The episode covers the transition from our old OnlyYouForever brand to the new Therapevo Counselling brand, highlighting the expanded focus on diverse counseling topics and services. We also touch on rebranding the podcast to 'Normalize therapy.' and adding a new YouTube channel. We talk about upcoming content and plans to expand our social media presence and blogging.



We are so excited about returning and invite listeners to join us on this new journey!







Timeline



00:00 Welcome Back! Introduction and Episode Overview



00:31 Reflecting on the Past: Life Since 2020



07:19 Current Affairs: Rebranding and New Beginnings



12:34 Looking Ahead: Season 2 and Future Plans



18:32 Conclusion: Thank You and See You Soon



Episode Transcript



Caleb: Welcome to the marriage podcast for smart people.



Verlynda: We haven't said that in a long time.



Caleb: we have not, this is our 280th episode! And we're thankful that you've joined us again today. And our plan for today is to talk about three things. Number one, where we've been since 2020 when we last published an episode and what's been going on. Number two is where we're at presently. And number three is what is coming up next in season two: a rebrand, a new name for the podcast, and a lot of the great content that you're already used to. So



Verlynda: Hmm.



Caleb: Without further ado, we're going to skip our usual intro roll because we are changing a lot of things right now, and we'll get to all that.



But let's, you know, Verlynda, let's start in with this topic[00:01:00]



Verlynda: Yeah.



Caleb: been since 2020. What are



Verlynda: Life has changed. Yeah. Big pieces. I mean, well, in your life is kind of one of the big ones that played a major part.



Caleb: Yeah. Yeah. So, and I think we should tell folks too that we're recording this five about five years since we last recorded.



Verlynda: Yes.



Caleb: to it sometime in the future, that's the gap between episode 279 and episode 280. So yeah, the biggest thing for me 2020 was kind of that second year of COVID, am I right?



Verlynda: March 2020, it started or our country shut down.



Caleb: Okay, yeah, we started getting into the thick of it. We were getting pretty burnt out on podcasting at the time, because we'd done a weekly show for quite a while, and that had been pretty intense for us. Kept up, a pace on that. I think we were doing like a little more sophisticated, a little more complex episodes too, which was cool.



Verlynda: Yeah. More research.



Caleb: Yeah. And I'd also been like hammering away at starting this [00:02:00] business or counseling business at that point for six years had been counseling for 20, that'd be about 10, 11 years at that point myself doing some mixed vocational stuff, of course, in there. But I also had a huge bout of burnout, compassion fatigue as a therapist. So that was a big thing that was going on. And I think it was 2020. Was it that summer or the next summer where I actually...

Having a spouse who frequently wants to control you can be frustrating. But control issues commonly come from a specific place. Typically, they are rooted in fear, underlying mental health issues (sometimes linked to fear), perfectionism, low self-esteem, betrayal, insecurities, or unhealthy ideas of what a relationship should look like.

Knowing where your spouse’s desire to control comes from will likely help you feel more compassionate and understanding towards your spouse. Once you can see the source of the issues, you may be able to alleviate some of your spouse’s fears, get professional help, or set appropriate boundaries so that your marriage can thrive.

Sometimes, when you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, it is hard to see it at the time. Knowing the signs of abuse can help you recognize it if your romantic relationship is emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse is always a pattern, so seeing one of these signs once, or noticing them during conflict is not a sign of emotional abuse. However, if you are seeing a number of the signs repeating themselves in your romantic relationship, that’s a sign that your partner is emotionally abusive.

Some of the signs of emotional abuse include: gaslighting, unpredictability, isolation, criticism and blaming, avoiding responsibility for unacceptable behavior, deliberate accidents, control, blame, shame, and humiliation. It’s important to recognize these signs and realize you are in an emotionally abusive relationship so that you can set boundaries to keep yourself safe from emotional abuse.

Infidelity is a difficult, often traumatic experience, and the process of healing takes time. Understanding the effects of betrayal trauma as well as the signs that your spouse is trustworthy again can help you in the journey of healing and rebuilding trust in your marriage (provided your spouse is in a place where they can be trusted again).

While to some degree, every betrayed spouse’s response to betrayal is different, there are also common trauma reactions that most betrayed spouses experience to one degree or another that can make it hard to trust your spouse again, and recognizing these responses is an important part of healing and rebuilding trust in your marriage. There are also certain things to watch for that will help you determine whether or not your spouse is now committed to acting with openness, honesty and integrity in your relationship.

Some signs of trustworthiness include: decreased defensiveness, voices their commitment to the marriage, accepts responsibility, demonstrates personal growth, is willing to be accountable, and demonstrates a preference towards honesty over self-protection. If these are present in your marriage, it is likely that you can begin to trust your spouse again as you work on rebuilding your relationship.

Understanding the five pillars of attachment helps you understand how your relationship with your primary caregiver has influenced the way you interact with your romantic partner. The five pillars of attachment are: a sense of felt safety, a sense of being seen and known (attunement), the experience of felt comfort (soothing), a sense of being valued (expressed delight), and a sense of support for being and becoming one’s unique best self.

It is natural that if your attachment needs were not met as a child, your relationship with your spouse will suffer in some way. Feeling unworthy of your spouse’s affection, feeling you should constantly be fussing over your spouse, or being unable to handle conflict are all possible signs of a poor attachment bond with a caregiver that is affecting your relationship with your spouse.

The good news about attachment is that even if you didn’t have a parent who was able to meet your attachment needs, it is possible to develop a more secure attachment style. Listen to this episode to learn more about how to grow into a more secure attachment with your spouse.