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Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Tony Santore
262 episodes
1 week ago
Why do some plants grow where they do? How can geology cause new plant species to evolve? Why are some plants pollinated by flies, some by bats, some by birds, and others by bees? How does a plant evolve to look like a rock? How can destroying lawns soothe the soul? This is a show about plants and plant habitat through the lens of natural selection and ecology, with a side of neurotic ranting, light humor, occasional profanity, & the perpetual search for the filthiest taqueria bathroom. 


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Natural Sciences
Comedy,
Science,
Earth Sciences
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All content for Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't is the property of Tony Santore and is served directly from their servers with no modification, redirects, or rehosting. The podcast is not affiliated with or endorsed by Podjoint in any way.
Why do some plants grow where they do? How can geology cause new plant species to evolve? Why are some plants pollinated by flies, some by bats, some by birds, and others by bees? How does a plant evolve to look like a rock? How can destroying lawns soothe the soul? This is a show about plants and plant habitat through the lens of natural selection and ecology, with a side of neurotic ranting, light humor, occasional profanity, & the perpetual search for the filthiest taqueria bathroom. 


Show more...
Natural Sciences
Comedy,
Science,
Earth Sciences
Episodes (20/262)
Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Trouble in the Food Forest
Why is there such a strong correlation between invasion biology denial, anthropocentrism, ecological illiteracy and permaculture? How can permaculture move forward while at the same time acknowledging the functionality of native plant ecosystems and why the designation of "native" is not some frivolous, arbitrary, or puritanical designation? In this 40 minute conversation between myself and Lilly Anderson-Messec we talk about what permaculture is, its focus on functionality (to humans) and why there tends to be such a predictable link between those who espouse staunch invasion biology denial and their holistic integrative biodynamic permaculture food forest. 
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1 week ago
42 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
"Spiritual Remedies of Nuevo León"
In this episode (after a 30 minute societal rant) we talk about Dioon edule and cycads of the foothills of the Sierra Madre, why hemiparasitic members of the paintbrush family frequently have red leaves, Mexican Oak Diversity, Tillandsia usneoides in Oak woodlands, Calochortus marcellae, Malacomeles denticulata ecotypes, why Crotalus morulus (Tamaulipan Rock Rattlesnake) possibly one of the coolest members of the genus

Ad-Free Episodes of the Crime Pays podcast are available on the Patreon at : 
https://www.patreon.com/CrimePaysButBotanyDoesnt


 FLORA OF NUEVO LEON CHECKLIST PDF : https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ukTNSvThl65KUlKpm0wLzUTRklvZiBc_/view?usp=drive_link

CONCRETE BOTANY (Out April 2026) PRE-ORDER : 
https://geni.us/ConcreteBotany
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1 week ago
2 hours 14 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Adam Haritan from Learn Your Land
This episode is a conversation with Adam Haritan from the youtube channel Learn Your Land, which covres a diverse variety of topics related to the ecology of Eastern North American Forests - Fungi, Plants, Insects, & more. In this episode we talk about how fire suppression has caused an explosion in tick populations, along with a multitude of other factors. We also discuss medicinal mushrooms of Eastern North America, surviving stands of American Chestnuts, the importance of geology, and how Paw Paw trees might be neurotoxic. We also talk about how humans having a connection to (and knowledge of) the land that they live on is a matter of existential health, almost more so than anything else. 

Adam's been producing the Learn Your Land youtube channel for ten years and has an extensive library of videos about a diversity of topics, and unlike me, he doesn't curse like a madman so his videos are appropriate for all ages. Please check the youtube (especially the tick episode!) and go down a wormhole. Also check out www.learnyourland.com for more info on what he does, a link to his onlince courses, and a list of the videos he's done.

All episodes of the Crime Pays But Botany Doesnt podcast are available Ad-Free on the Patreon at :
https://www.patreon.com/CrimePaysButBotanyDoesnt
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2 weeks ago
2 hours

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Rants about Compost Sh*tting, Plant Metabolism, Compensation Point, Etc
Ad-Free episodes of the CPBBD podcast are available on the patreon at 
https://www.patreon.com/CrimePaysButBotanyDoesnt

Today's episode consists of rants about compensation point, idiotic spelling mistakes, C3 and C4 photosynthesis, why nighttime temperatures prevent growing some plants in some areas, public land grab in Florida by sleazebag developers embedded in state government, Kill Your Lawn Tour 2025,  calcareous shale exposures of Pueblo County, Colorado.

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3 weeks ago
2 hours 9 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Colorado Springs Southwards
Rants about Green Tea, Lactose Intolerance, mycoheterotrophic plants in New Mexico, Colorado Springs Shale Exposures, Native Plant Takeovers of municipal landscaping greenhouses, Rock Sage, 300 million year old limestone, and more.

Ad-Free Episodes of the podcast are available for 5 bucks a month on the patreon at https://www.patreon.com/c/CrimePaysButBotanyDoesnt

To pre-order the book Concrete Botany, visit https://geni.us/ConcreteBotany
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1 month ago
1 hour 36 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
I 10 Ramblings to New Mexico
Disjointed Rants about New Mexico's Sacramento Mountains, Mormons, the origins of Ivermectin, Rat-Trap Pitcher plants and Nepenthes hybrids, and more.

All episodes of the Crime Pays podcast are available ad-free on the crime pays patreon at : 
https://www.patreon.com/CrimePaysButBotanyDoesnt

For merch, bonfire store is at : 
https://www.bonfire.com/store/crime-pays-but-botany-doesnt/
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1 month ago
1 hour 38 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Neotropical Oak Forests & Bush-Checking Becky
In this episode we rant about Neotropical High-elevation Oak forests of Central America, what the hell introgression is (swapping genes between two species through hybridization and back-crossing to potentially create a new species, though sometimes it just introduces adaptive traits into existing species), the checking of a racist Becky into a bush by a fed-up member of the populace, the neotropical parasitic plant Corynaea crass and how its monoecious and what that means, cloud forests extravaganzas with Solandra brachycalyx (Solanaceae), and more. 

To listen without any annoying ads (and IHEARTRADIO -our podcast hosting service - really lays the annoying ads on thick), check out the crimepays patreon at www.patreon.com/crimepaysbutbotanydoesnt. To order stickers of CPBBD artwork visit : https://www.crimepaysbutbotanydoesnt.com/storestickersprints
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1 month ago
1 hour 47 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Sashaying Around West Texas Sky Islands
Rants about Davis Mountains fungi, Ponderosa Pine Death from drought, torrential Texas rains, West Texas alcoholics, Mandevilla hypoleuca, Echeveria strictiflora, Growing Madrones, American Smoke Trees in Austin, Madrones in San Antonio, Dystopia and more....
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2 months ago
1 hour 28 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Four Corners Botany
Rants about Northern New Mexico, Gypsum endemics, Dwarf Milkweed, the Horseshoe Bend Motel Photo, Botany of Horseshoe Bend, Pediocactus in the high desert of Northern Arizona, Why telling people that eating Saguaro fruits isn't as bad as Caucasian liberals might want you to think is, How anthropocentric uses of plants might hook some people into the larger perspective of botany and ecology and reverence for the living world, and more. 

Episodes of the podcast are available for listening, ad-free, on the crime pays Patreon.
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2 months ago
1 hour 57 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Carlsbad Butt Clinic & Sandhills Plant Life
Rants about colonoscopies, plant life on the sandhills East of Carlsbad New Mexico, Eurytaenia hinckleyi (Apiaceae ), Pomaria jamesii (Fabaceae), the Sierra Madre and more

Ad-Free episodes of the podcast are available on the Patreon for $5 a month at https://www.patreon.com/c/CrimePaysButBotanyDoesnt
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3 months ago
1 hour 56 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Hollistic Healing Colon Cleanse in Gypsum Habitats
Rants about permaculture, holistic snake oil, Southern New Mexico habitats, the Guadalupe mountains, gypsum dunes, and more

All episodes of this podcast are available for $5 a month ad-free on the crime pays patreon stop whining about the ads you jadrool bastard.

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3 months ago
1 hour 43 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
A Clusterf*ck of Mustards - The Order Brassicales
Ad-Free versions of this podcast are available for $5 a month on the Crime Pays Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/c/CrimePaysButBotanyDoesnt

In this episode we talk with Makenzie Mabry, PhD, about the order Brassicales and all the cool and bizarre plants and plant families within it. We talk about the trend of polyploidy, whole genome duplication, the affinity for deserts and arid habitats, the evolution of succulents and the particular phytochemistry known as glucosinolates. 

We start off talking about the octopus plant that was recently discovered in 2020 in the salt pan deserts of Namibia, Tiganophyton karasense, and go through the entire phylogeny of the order, talking about little known families from disparate parts of the globe and why so many families only contain one species. 

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3 months ago
1 hour 45 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Atlanta, Granitic Knobs, Limestone Glades, Native Habitat Project, Etc.
In this episode we talk about the granite/gneiss knobs that surround the Atlanta, Georgia area and the cool plants that grow there, getting unintentionally shot at by morons at Arabia mountain, exploring limestone glades of Alabama with Kyle Lybarger, how much puke would it take to reach the confederate statue on the side of Stone Mountain if one were puking down from above, how important fire is to East Coast and Southeast ecosystems (especially for suppressing tick populations) and a ton more. 

If you're annoyed by the ads, stop complaining and sign up for the Crime Pays Patreon at www.patreon.com/crimepaysbutbotanydoesnt
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4 months ago
2 hours 18 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Easter Brunch With Father Santore Livestream
A 2 hour, unhinged livestream rant about ecological succession in lawn slaughter, book reviews, the deranged texas anti-plant bill (SB 1868), and more, all done while wearing a priest outfit. 
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4 months ago
2 hours 1 minute

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Costa Rica Habitat Synopsis Rants
Episodes of the Crime Pays podcast are available Ad-Free on the Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't Patreon at: www.patreon.com/crimepaysbutbotanydoesnt

In this episode of the podcast we rant about a myriad of topics and also discuss 4 main habitat types of Costa Rica : 

Lowland dry forest, where you can get pissed on by spider monkeys and capuchins while photographing columnar cacti growing on karstic limestone dominated by Bursera simaruba. We also talk about the dry forest oak Quercus oleoides which tolerates a 6 month long dry season and doesn't even receive that much rain during the wet season since it tends to grow on thin-soiled limestone.

Montane Wet Forest dominated by oaks like Quercus insignis, which produces acorns the size of baseballs and grows with epiphytic orchids and bat pollinated Bromeliads.

Cloud Forest dominated by ectomycorrhizal trees such Quercus costricensis and Comarostaphylis arbutoides (Ericaceae), a kind of habitat which also contains tropical variations of plant genera that are generally more associated with temperate latitudes. 

Páramo habitat, where it's summer every day and winter every night due to the thin air at high elevations above 10,000' (3300 m) and plants produce layerings of hairs not to protect against drought but to protect against frost and increased Ultraviolet intensity. 



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5 months ago
2 hours 32 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Mosquito Traps & Burrowing "Toads"
Rants about Mosquito Traps, Burrowing "toads" (Rhinophrynus dorsalis), Texas botanists' resistance to using scientific names, replacing windas, a new species of succulent bamboo from Laos, and more 

Ad-Free episodes of the crime pays Podcast are available on the Patreon for a measly five bucks a month, so quit your whinin about the awful ads (as if you don't have fingers you can use to press buttons to skip through them) and sign up, where you'll have access to see early screenings of videos, photo dumps of rare plants, free literature, educational PDFs and more at www.patreon.com/crimepaysbutbotanydoesnt
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5 months ago
1 hour 31 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Trans-Pecos Botany with Dr Mike Powell
Dr. Michael Powell is the curator of the Sul Ross Herbarium in Alpine, Texas and a proverbial wizard of West Texas Botany and Plants of the Trans-Pecos. In this episode we discuss 
how the endangered species act influenced the wariness of Texas ranchers and land owners, the current drought that Texas is in, describing new species of plants, the rock-daisies and cliff-dwellers of the Perityle clade (Asteraceae), limestone endemism among Texas plants, how to propagate Texas Madrones, how chromosome-counting was done using immature buds before the advent of PCR, propagating rare native plants of the Trans Pecos, botanizing Mexico in the 1960s and 70s, gypsophile plants, and how a single teacher inspired him to ditch baseball for Botany in the early 1960s.

Episodes of the Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't podcast are available Ad-Free on the Patreon.
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5 months ago
1 hour 50 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
The New Plant Species Discovered in a National Park
Deb Manley is a naturalist and long-distance hiker who in March 2024 discovered a plant species that was entirely new to science: Ovicula biradiata (Sunflower Family - Asteraceae).

In this episode of Crime Pays we talk about the discovery, the unique flora of the Big Bend region, limestone deserts, the phenomenon of Sky Islands and more.

Episodes of the Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't podcast are available Ad-Free on the Patreon, where your membership helps support free botany education, filming, lawn-killing, native plant awareness and land preservation.
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5 months ago
1 hour 34 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Neotropical Bamboos : What the &@#$ is Gregarious Monocarpy?
Episodes of this podcast are available Ad-Free on the Patreon at :
www.patreon.com/crimepaysbutbotanydoesnt

Dr. Lynn Clark studies neotropical bamboos - bamboos from the Americas - specifically the genus Chusquea, which is highly diverse in Central & South America, from the Pine-Oak Forests of Western Mexico all the way down to the temperate rainforests of Southern Chile. In this episode we talk about Chusquea, why it takes 30 years for some species to flower, why the woody bamboos are monocarpic (they flower once and then die, like Agave), how it can take decades for a clonal stand of Chusquea to flower, what the hell "gregarious monocarpy" is, how a stand of individuals "know" when to all flower at the same time, and more. 

We also talk about the enormous bamboo species Guadua angustifolia, which can reach heights of 30 meters (90 feet), forms massive stands in the upper Amazon, and creates its own canopy ecosytem much like a redwood tree does. 

Later in the podcast we discuss the 4 species of bamboo native to the United States, the genus Arundinaria , and how a dispersal event from Asia 25 million years ago may have originally introduced bamboos to the Americas.


Link to Guadua angustifolia video : 
https://youtu.be/7v6nmIatSx0
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5 months ago
1 hour 55 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Forest Restoration, Burning & Dam Removal
Bruce Shoemaker is a researcher on natural resource conflicts and
author of the book "Dead in the Water", about hydropower projects and extractive predatory capitalism in Southeast Asia.

In this podcast we talk about turning monoculturres of pine plantations back into biodiverse forest in Northern California, the importance of fire in Northern California forests, as well as the completely disparate topic of forest clearance and exploitation in Southeast Asia, the family Dipterocarpaceae, 
the removal of the dams on the Klamath River in California, and more. 
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6 months ago
1 hour 55 minutes

Crime Pays But Botany Doesn't
Why do some plants grow where they do? How can geology cause new plant species to evolve? Why are some plants pollinated by flies, some by bats, some by birds, and others by bees? How does a plant evolve to look like a rock? How can destroying lawns soothe the soul? This is a show about plants and plant habitat through the lens of natural selection and ecology, with a side of neurotic ranting, light humor, occasional profanity, & the perpetual search for the filthiest taqueria bathroom.