Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?"  Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?"  Are emotions lost and connections missing?  Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?"

The infection can be stopped.  You can fight the infection and heal the relationship.

Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune system.  Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy.

Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject!

Listen below.

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A listener had a question... and it isn't the first time I've heard it.  How DO you save your marriage when you feel hate for your spouse?  That does seem impossible to get beyond, doesn't it?

I have some news for you:  many people (if not MOST) who are working on saving their marriage are NOT having warm and fuzzy feelings for their spouse.

In fact, they are likely to be just as hurt, just as frustrated, and just as unsure as their spouse.

But there is a difference:  They think that working on their marriage... even when feeling upset and hurt, is important.  Important enough to choose to act in spite of those feelings.

You may be thinking, "Wait, I can't act differently than I am feeling!"

But with just a little reflection, most people realize they do it every single day.  "Not feeling it," but still going to work.  Upset about your finances, but still paying the bills.  Angry about something, but not taking it out on someone.

See what I mean?

We all do that all the time.  Why?  Because something is important enough to not just react to our emotions.

I discuss it in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

 

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Are you an AI user?  Do you find yourself chatting with AI about things in your life?

How about regarding your marriage??

If you are using AI as a resource to save your marriage, I have one suggestion:  STOP!

Over the past few years (as AI chats have become more popular), I have heard from more and more people about how AI marked the end of their marriage.  Some reported a spouse becoming enamored with the chat.  Some reported a spouse "discovering" from AI that they needed to end the marriage (which is less about the wisdom of AI, and more the result of how AI is built). Some have reported a spouse (or even themselves) asking for advice on how to respond to an argument.

The end results?

Certainly, not improvements in the marriage.  Mostly, the outcome was poor.  To the point of divorce, in many cases.

This isn't the fault of AI.  It was never intended for this purpose.

But since so many people are turning to AI these days, I thought it might be time for us to talk about this (I first typed "chat," but thought better of it).

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Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on?  And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!)

You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing.  And you are even worse off than before!

Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it.  So, you start gathering your information.  That is the starting point, right?  And as they say, “Knowledge is power.”  Except, of course, when the “knowledge” is myth.  False information.

Worse yet, that information can do harm to your relationship.

I need to let you in on a little secret:  just because it says it can help you save your marriage, that does not mean it will fit together with other approaches… or that it will even fit for you!  We get into the habit of grouping things together when they seem to be in the same subject area.

But think about it for a moment.  Look up some political topic.  People might approach it from a number of different directions… and those approaches are often mutually exclusive of each other, even opposing each other.  And some are just plain wrong.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explode 5 myths of saving your marriage — of taking action to save your marriage.  Falling for any one of these myths can put your efforts and your relationship at risk.

Listen in below, and learn what to avoid.

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Question:  does an affair cause marital problems or do marital problems cause affairs?

Answer:  YES.

Longer answer:  for the majority of affairs, weak points in the marriage create a vulnerability to infidelity.  There is another necessary element... but problems do cause vulnerability.  But when infidelity is committed, the problem deepens.  Affairs end up creating both a personal and a marital crisis... often for both spouses.

And then, there is the aftermath... what comes AFTER the affair is ended.

In this episode of the podcast, I tackle two submitted questions:

"What causes an affair?  Why did it happen in OUR marriage?"

and

"What is the typical aftermath in an affair for the spouse who broke it off?"

In these two cases, the questions are not academic.  They are wound up in the marital crisis that is unwinding... or stuck... and infidelity is a major issue.

If you are in the midst of a marital crisis, your relationship could be vulnerable... and if your spouse (or you) has committed infidelity, this can help you understand what might happen when the affair is ended.

Listen below.

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Have you found yourself in the middle of an argument, toe-to-toe with your spouse, with that little part of your brain saying, "why am I even arguing over this?  It doesn't matter"?

I ask, because I have had that experience MANY times in my life, both with my wife and with others.

It is tragic that those arguments erupt in all our lives.  They are not the big things, but the small things.  And that is the tragic part:  many marriages die from a thousand nicks.  It is often not the big deals, but the tiny things.  In fact, many times, the big deals are a result of the lifeblood lost on the tiny things.

Which raises the question:  WHY do we have these arguments?  Why do we bicker?  (Check out the podcast below)

And then, the second question:  HOW to change this pattern?  (Check out the podcast below)

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What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant?  More distant than you would like?

Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection?

Is that the relationship you are stuck with?  Some connection.  Still married.  But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want?

That is the question posed to me.  Mary reports that her husband returned after a number of months of separation.  But now, some time later, after his return, the connection is not where it needs to be.  It isn’t where Mary wants it to be.

What do you do, Mary wonders?  Accept it?  Make peace with the fact that her spouse does not want an intimate relationship with her?

I delve into Mary’s question (which may also be your question) about what to do when the connection is still not there, even after some improvement.  I suggest 3 steps for Mary (and perhaps you) to take.  And yes, we start at acceptance.  But that is not about giving up!

Listen below.

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I often watch people move toward one of two possibilities when a marriage is in trouble:  Getting Better or Getting Bitter.  One letter difference, but what a difference in destination.

One leads a couple to a rewarding and loving relationship, improving and stabilizing:  Better.

The other leads to more anger, more resentment, more distance, and further deterioration:  Bitter.

Here is the irony:  many times, the person proclaiming a desire to work on the marriage, to get it turned around, is the one holding onto bitterness.  And bitterness has a tendency to grow, unless the person chooses to make a shift.

A shift to Better.

Over the years, I have watched people who proclaim a desire to save their marriage.  They start taking steps, start connecting, start the healing... and when a spouse begins to turn, the one putting in the work suddenly turns... away.  The bitterness gains ground.  It eats away at all progress.

And in the process, the couple proves the marriage was "too far gone," "too hurt," or "too damaged."  In reality, bitterness set in and disrupted any possibility of healing.

So, there is a choice: Getting Bitter or Better?

Let's talk about the roots of bitterness and how to let it go.  Listen to the podcast below.

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I know. You want to convince your spouse to see things your way.  So, you set out to "get" your spouse to agree with you.

...And you have now begun walking down a very dangerous path.

(I bet you didn't think so, did you?)

Almost always, trying to get your spouse to agree will backfire -- and even make things worse.  Sometimes, much worse.

Can I share with you why this can be so dangerous and how to avoid this problem?  This is something you want to fully understand.

(If you want a better way, GRAB THIS and get started.)

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Connection is the lifeblood of marriage.  In fact, we are wired for deep connection.  And while the connection works best within the marriage relationship, it is not singular.

Many couples find connection in only one or two areas, missing that second or third layer of connecting.  Often, over time, this begins to eat away at the connection a couple shares.

Disconnection tends to breed disconnection.  When there are areas missing, they begin to chip away at the other areas.

But connection tends to breed connection.  As you work to reconnect, and as you focus on all three layers, there is a multiplying effect.  Connection deepens and broadens, leading to more and more connection.

Listen to this week's podcast to discover the 3 Layers of Connection.

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“How hard is it to save my marriage?” the email started.  The writer wanted my opinion on whether my System would work. There was a problem, though.  The problem was… I had no details about her marital problems.  I didn’t know what she was facing.

When I was a kid, the rubik’s cube came out.  There was this book that promised to solve the cube, no matter how bad the cube was arranged.  I just kept trying to turn and twist the cube to find a solution.  My neighbor friend got the book.  My neighbor followed the guide.  And that cube was, sure enough, solved.  Mixed up cube, follow the solution, solved cube.  Easy-peesy.

Let’s just say that your marriage is NOT like that rubik’s cube.  There are some reasons why your efforts might be harder (or easier) than someone else’s.  In fact, there are 3 major complicators to saving your marriage.

Before jumping in to save your marriage, you want to be clear about the complicators — the obstacles — on your path.  They make a difference in what you do, how you do it, and how much effort is required.

Listen below to find out how steep your climb is, due to the 3 obstacles.

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Can you save your marriage??

That is, to be honest, probably the biggest "speed bump" for someone who wants to save their marriage.

They wonder if it is even possible to save their marriage.  And that fact keeps them from taking action.

Or to be more direct, may be what is keeping you from taking action.

Many people have said that if I could guarantee that they could save their marriage, they would get started.

I have often pointed out that NOT trying pretty much guarantees it can't be saved.  But I don't have a crystal ball... or even a Magic 8 Ball that will tell me whether it can/can't be saved. And so, far too often, they don't take action.

And their marriage fails.

But what if there were a way to get clarity... to get more understanding of what might be involved in saving your marriage?  What if there was some GPS that could give you direction on the possibilities and what is involved.

Well, there is.  And I discuss it on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

I've created a new assessment, called The Growth GPS Assessment.  You can grab it for just a dollar.  GO HERE to take advantage of the offer... and gain clarity.

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Your spouse thinks it’s hopeless.  You may even be wondering that, too.  But is it?  Is it hopeless?

Or is the problem that your spouse is hopeless — not the situation?

Let’s be honest:  if you give up hope, it may become a hopeless situation.

Sometimes, having hope is not based on seeing the way.  We find the way because we hold onto hope.

In one of my books, Beyond the 3 Barriers, I note that one barrier for your spouse is hopelessness.  I also note that one way to move beyond your spouse’s barriers is by having hope.  Holding onto hope.  Maintaining hope while waiting for space to make a shift.

Hope has 3 core components… all within your control and choice.  But you do need to know the components in order to choose.  When you do, you choose hope.

Remember that hope is not about waiting for a spouse to hope… or even to shift.  It comes from within you, a choice you make.  Hang on to hope!

Listen to the podcast episode below.

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Are your efforts to save your marriage getting stalled?  Maybe we should take a look at your plan.

You do have a plan, don't you?

Let's talk about 5 reasons your plan (or lack of plan) may be the trouble -- and what we can do to make a switch.

To be crystal clear, all 5 reasons are in your control.  YOU can choose how you move forward in each of these issues.  You may not have control over your spouse's reaction, but you do have choices in your planning and execution of your plan.

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Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual.  As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis.

Have you ever tried to save a drowning person?

This can be kind of like that.  Get too close, and they will drag you under with them.  Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision.  Running purely on terror, they will flail, grab, and pull at anything that is nearby... and anyone.

And when someone is in crisis, it can certainly feel like drowning... even with no water (other than tears).  The desperation is there.  The flailing is there.  And if you aren't careful, you can get pulled under.

One person in crisis is enough.  Two people multiples the complications and difficulties in recovering the relationship.

Don't allow yourself to get pulled under.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 4 rules to keep from getting pulled under.

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What makes a marriage work?

What makes a marriage GREAT?

Maybe you are trying to save your marriage, and aren't sure if that even matters.  Maybe you are trying to aim your marriage in a better direction, and aren't sure what that even looks like.  Or maybe you are considering getting married, but aren't sure if you have what it takes.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I'll give you the 5 core ingredients to have a great marriage.  I'll tell you what they are, and how to get them.  Then, if you have special garnishes and additions, great!

Problem is, many people think the extra additions are the core ingredients!  And when that doesn't work, they think they just don't have what it takes.  Turns out, they were just trying to make a recipe with the wrong ingredients.  No wonder it doesn't work out!

After over three decades of focusing on relationships and marriage, the five core ingredients stand out, time after time.  So, let's make clear what they are, how to get them, and how that makes a difference.

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The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response:

You Don’t!

(Unless, of course, you want to damn the process from the very beginning… and in that case, drag away!)

Marriage therapy tends to be the default response to a marriage crisis (although the stats would not support this as the preferred action). If there is a problem, time to head to therapy! First task: get a spouse there. By pressure, if necessary.

I think there is a (false) belief that if you can just get them there, the therapist will work some magic and convince the spouse to work on the marriage. The therapist won’t/can’t. And your spouse won’t. Fail/fail.

But why?

There are some Therapy Traps that you fall into when you try to drag a spouse into therapy (I cover the Traps in the podcast episode below). And in the process, you actually cause further entrenchment on the part of your spouse that things won’t work out. Yep, it makes things worse.

I explain why in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

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Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis.  But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn't so helpful.

Let's backtrack just a minute.  What is Crisis Clarity?

Just for a moment, let's assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage.  Maybe you asked about it.  Or perhaps you just hoped for the best -- that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track.

Then suddenly, the crisis emerges.  You learn about an affair.  Your spouse gives you the "love you, not in love with you" speech.  Your spouse wants to separate.  You get divorce papers.  Or... fill in the blank ____________.

It is no longer a theoretical problem.

It is a full-blown crisis!

And that crisis gets your attention.  Your FULL attention.

That is Crisis Clarity.

Yes, it can be helpful.  And it can also be harmful.

How do you understand and handle Crisis Clarity?  I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

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I can’t count how many times a couple has come to me for “help with our communication skills.”  Funny thing is, they communicate just fine.

Then why are they stuck in conflict?  Why are they disconnected?  Why does it seem like they aren’t on the same team?

Viewpoints.  About each other and about the situation that caused the conflict.

And because they have decided to prove their viewpoint to their spouse.  That is very dangerous.  Rarely is it successful, but always is it damaging.

There are 2 underlying issues that affect this:  being a WE and being connected.  How strong is your sense of WE, and how connected are you?  When you don’t feel like you are on the same team and/or are feeling disconnected, it is far harder to communicate about the differences in perception.  More than that, you are unlikely to prove your connection to your spouse… especially when disconnected, but almost always.

How do you solve it?

We discuss what to do in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis.  Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things.

And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things.

Where we focus is what gets our attention.  Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment.

That can head you right toward disaster and further discord.  And when you focus on the wrong things, trying harder does even more damage.
"Rowing harder doesn’t help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction."
Kenichi Ohmae
There are three places people often focus their attention that are not helpful, at best, and can be harmful at worst.  And there are three areas that need your focus, that need your attention.

Focus on the right areas to make progress in your marriage crisis.

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