Wild thingYou make my heart singYou make everything … groovyWe got this in the mail today. Don't quite know what to make of it. 👇🏽Greetings from the wild things. We are a species of malcivilised furry crustaceans on a mission to find clean drinking water. And that’s why we’ve left the woods and are heading into the city. And no, contrary to folk-rock anthems that your fathers may have learnt to play guitar with, we don’t make anything groovy. Nothing at all. But clean drinking water makes us very happy. And we heard there’s someone visiting your church who brings this very kind of water. Leave us seats in the hall and space at the altar. We are thirsty.🤨 Dude seriously, like, what?

Once upon a time, there was a pooch called Spitzi. Now, Spitzi was special cos he drank his water the way a human soldier from ancient Israel would. Like, with his hands and everything. No you see, what you don’t understand is that Spitzi had hands. No, not front paws. Actual hands. Like, hands that you can use to stop traffic or throw food around. So one day Spitzi was down at the water just lappin it up when he got drafted, like to become a soldier. And there, they gave him a gun, which he held in his dog-hands. I know what you’re thinking. This is madness. Madness? This. Is. Spartaaaa! Wait… *inaudible conversation in the background.Scrap that. Pastor just said I got the wrong 300. This one’s on Gideon. Gaaargh. Inilah hakikat social media intern. They expect you to see a sermon title and be like all prophetic or something.

Bonjour! I see you are scanning the socials for what's happening on Mother's Day in church.Ah, scanning — that's what mothers do to sniff out threats when they enter a room. I remember getting sniffed before. Not good memories.Anyway, where was I? Mother's Day. Yes. It will be a Xena inspired Warrior Princess theme. Bring your mother because Pastor wants to inspire her with a sermon about Deborah and Jael bludgeoning evil men into the ground. A perfect message for those who are fierce and handle sharp tools more than once a day. Oh, and we have a photo booth where your mother can reenact chasing you with a battle axe. Like that time you didn't pass up your exercise book for three months and she eventually found out. Except back then she chased you with something else. This Mother's Day, give your mother the very best experience possible, and let her reenact it with an axe.

Are we there yet?Are we there yet?I'm bored. Are we there yet?I never said this out loud to my kids but the reason why I never answer them when they ask me "Are we there yet?" is because my name is not Yet. My name is Daddy. The logical assumption therefore is that they are talking to an imaginary friend called Yet. It's sweet to see your kids in such a happy-go-lucky place in life, talking among themselves and with their imaginary friends. Sometimes they even pretend to get annoyed with Yet. Such realistic actors.As for the question itself, the answer is "Yes, we are there yet."

One time, I came home from doing the groceries and I found someone else living in my house. They had redecorated the living room, repainted the walls and repaved the garden. Absolutely nuts. Of course, when I say “doing the groceries”, what I really mean is I got exiled for 70 years and had left my house vacant. But still… 70 years isn’t that long if you really think hard about it. It’s like a lifetime. It goes by just like that. Anyway, all that’s not the point. The point is that I finally came back. Amen to that. And I gotta learn to get along with those folks. Hmmm-what? They have to learn to get along with me? No, no, no. Firstly, I’m super easy to get along with. And no, this land is my land.

So long, Jerusalem. They’re guilty as sin. The last two tribes enter into riddance. Their tarnished coat of arms, their bruises, aquired like muses, talismans and charms.Kena kickkickkickdown bad.Seventy years isn’t that long. It’ll go by like *snap a fortnight. Cos even Persia crumbles if it's made to wait. But then what? Fresh out of the slammer to return to what? Alchemy? Only God can fix them (No really He can).

Fee fie fo fum! I smell the blood of a ruler of Israel with no fear of Yahweh.While their nations teeter on the edge of malfunction, the kings of Judah and Israel play political cat and mouse with the region. See, before the heart was an idol factory, all the idol factories were here. It was great business, and they made a killing: prophets, widows, orphans, it didn't matter who they slaughtered, as long as it helped them make gains. "Forget about Jehovah. What this world needs is for us to be powerful!" Erm guys. You're acting like Canaanites. Please repent. No, srsly. This has not been funny for a long time now.Around that time, God hacked the whole beanstalk down.

Pray tell, what do prophets actually do? Exactly that. Pray and tell. They do a lot of telling-off too. So much, we gave it a number and called it "4 telling". (Or is it "4th telling"? I can never be sure.)But anyways, they all get murdered by the state without putting up much resistance. Now I’ve too obviously set that up for an Easy Kill joke."I came. I saw. I konked."That's more like it.

A sweet orange is good. So is a hot cup. And a cool breeze. A smooth pen on textured paper. Cut grass. Garlic in oil. Lazy afternoons. A proper workout. Levelling up. A stoppage time winner. Praise. A raise. Clever jokes. Chromatic chords. Clean sheets. Happy children. Fresh starts. No drama. But for how long? All that, all good, but for how long, before you turn the corner and it's gone?Oh, do make it last. Wonder. Thrill. Safety. Laughter. Love. An endless outpouring. A torrential, neverending explosive joy. Glistening. Warm. Full. Fully alive. Pulsating. Live forever.

Hope. Trust. Wilderness.

God, can we be a constitutional monarchy with a sitting royal whose role is mostly symbolic, ceremonial, and sometimes as a check and balance for ill-composed federal governments? No? Ok then can we be a republic with a two-party democratic system that polarises in political and socio-cultural ideologies, and in so doing, rend our nation in two across time? Also no? Oh, how about a socialist state that is marketed to the masses as equality of all people but in reality is a living manifestation of the poor man's secret fantasies and hate for all bougie people? Still no?? Erm... Feudal system? With exploitative nobles farming out land to thuggish knights who farm said land to peasants who are made to work to the bone just to pay said knights protection money? Hmm, yeah I didn't think so. Can we be led by violent military juntas that keep getting supplanted by other more violent military juntas? Wait that's too much like what we have now. Can we just have a normal king then? Can? Please? Erm, God? Please?

"Everyone did what was right in their eyes." You've probably heard this used on people having different lifestyle preferences, or business units having their own strategies. No, my friends. Hermeneutic tu kena jaga sikit. This was about total moral anarchy. Dystopian lawless chaos. You'd like an example? Sure. Moral anarchy is like the time my Standard 5 Moral teacher marked-down our ethically sound test papers because our answers didn't fit the 17 nilai utama and 50 sub-nilais. One of my classmates cut the buku teks into 12 pieces and had each piece sent to every classroom in our school. Naturally, we were threatened with facing the Guru Disiplin, which in some unorthodox Christian communities is the name of the seventh book of the Bible: Guru Disiplin. For the rest of us, it's called Judges.

After 40 years in the desert, the tribes step into blank space ...Ready for it? (Is it gonna be forever? Or will it go down in flames?) The whole book is a cruel summer, screaming, crying, perfect storms. A lot of bad blood and death by a thousand cuts.Context: Rahab left her scarf there. (It reminds us of innocence.) So scarlet, it was maroon. Now they're driving in a getaway car.Meanwhile, Jericho falls. Castles crumbling. Achan gets bejewelled. (Not nice!) Did you have to do this? I was thinking you could be trusted. Joshua says look what you made me do. Sigh. Don't say I didn't warn ya.So the land gets divided. Holy ground. They're done getting down with the liars and dirty, dirty cheats of the world and all they have to do is stay. I was there. I remember it all too well. A few short centuries later, this won't be their homeland anymore. It's exhausting, always rooting for the antihero.

Why did the chicken cross the red sea?A. To passover the other sideB. To avoid Egypt like the plagueC. To make up the NumbersAnswer? All of the above.Bonus question. What would Moses ask himself if he worshipped in a modern-day church?A. To-rah or not to-rah?B. Why Aaron't you here?C. I really need new tablets.Answer? None of the above!What? Manna boleh!Indeed, it would be so strange for him, where pillars in church are bad and every Tuesday there’s staff meeting. (If you don’t let him join, he will de-part.)If you got all the answers right, congratulations. You’re an exodus expert and you don’t need to come to church this weekend. The rest, I commandment you to come.  

Before there was tribal gathering, there were just tribes.If you count properly, about twelve. And this is their story: kid will vibe, brothers will gripe, we’re not here for a snap but a snipe, standard family hype. More aged than salami, more cuts than origami. So barmy. They become a five plus seven nation army with more swipes than the White Stripes. (If you like, pls subscribe.) Describe archetype in 8-point type? These hacks! All flex, no smack. They’ll be longer on the road than Jack Kerouac.

"Starry starry night, paint your palette blue and grey" Wait a minute, those aren't stars. They're... kaboom! fireworks! See, if you thought that's Father Abraham looking into the starry hosts, you're wrong. It's my old man watching CNY fireworks. He said they don't make 'em like they used to. I asked him if he meant that oldskool fireworks were better. He said no, just that now they make them with machines whereas in the past they made 'em with their bare hands. "We used to taste that gunpowder in our food," he'd say, like it was a good thing. He says the same about promises. "They don't make 'em like they used to." I asked him if he meant that oldskool folks were better at keeping their promises. He said no. Just that back then they used to make 'em with their bare hands too. My old man spoke with sign language, y'see. Oh you didn't know. Sorry.

Chinese New Year is the best time to visit family, friends and loved-ones. And when we go, it really is the best chance to carry God’s peace, presence and even the opportunity to pray for someone. But these things won’t happen automatically. They require a bit of intentionality. Let’s do this together so that CNY will bring true prosperity to the lives of those we love.

Oh look! A neo-classical skyscraper drowned by cataclysmic rising tides! And we’re only at the start of the Bible.This week, we’re going from demigod daughters to fatal floodwaters, an ark in showers and arcane towers to the first global sin tax which brings on new syntax, where wet Ararat threat begets regret-reset. (Ouch, that was a bit mouch.)

Adam: That's not what it said. The snake said "Ah, my dream home, Eden".Eve: I heard it say "A mandarin, go eat 'em"Adam: Great. So now we've wrecked thousands of years of human existence and it's all because of your lousy hearing.Eve: You're out of your mind. I don't even wear ear rings!Anyway, it went on like this for a while before I told them it was awkward getting caught in the middle of their marital fight. Plus, I don't know how to help. I'm only a caribou.At which point Eve stormed off and said she ain't never gonna carry her boo either. I'm like, girl, whut?

In the beginning, everything was heavy. Then God said, Let there be lite. And oh boy was the lite good. You don't know about the lite? It's what happened when we cut the excess weight from creation. So where it used to be 4.54 billion years old it's now just 10 thousand! Fuuhhh! Dude, I dunno if you wanna make young earth, old earth jokes in public. It may not go down well. Go down well? That's the second day. Then God separated the waters. And he told the waters in the sky wait, must follow timing. Right now, if you fall, you won't go down well. Our 18-week Bible Series begins this weekend with Creation. We'll be dealing with the age of the earth and other panas topics properly. No joke.