This episode is based on one of the most important books I have ever read: NonViolent Communication - A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X?crid=1JM1I0HYDGMVFandkeywords=nonviolent+communication+by+marshall+rosenbergandqid=1639500482andsprefix=nonviolent%2Caps%2C172andsr=8-3andlinkCode=li2andtag=emcrit-20andlinkId=ffd38beff6d2bd762ae967323bc97a91andlanguage=en_USandref_=as_li_ss_il ()
Nonviolent Communication is one of the most powerful ways of speaking with people that I have ever come across. It eliminates useless strategies like judgment and proving yourself right and instead gives you absolutely tactical techniques to get the things you need for happiness for yourself and your interlocutor.
NVC is not a new, gimmicky set of dictum. It boils down the philosophies of Stoicism, the psychological approaches of CBT and cognitive psychology.
Marshall Rosenberg was a psychologist trained in the classical analytic, but found it unsatisfying and for the most part, unhelpful.
Speaking Giraffe vs. Speaking Jackal
NVC is not really a theory or a guide to behavior--it is a language!!!
Giraffes only hear feelings and needs, never thoughts
Jackal language is about judging, criticizing, analyzing, moralizing and accusing. When we feel unfairly treated, accused or when we want to impose our wishes, we tend to use the language of the jackal. Jackal language is separating. Giraffe language is unifying.
The System
There are essentially two major parts--The four component speech creation and emergency empathy
The Four Components
1. Observation without Evaluation
There’s nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so.
Shakespeare in Hamlet
Avoid generalization, only specifics (generally good to avoid the past as well)
Separate the observation from the evaluation or better yet, eliminate the evaluation
You are the most inconsiderate person--you are always late
J Krishnamurti: "observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence"
See page 30 for more on pitfalls in observing
2. Feeling
Internal emotional states vs. thoughts/judgment
If you can replace I feel with I think--then it is not a feeling
If I feel is followed by: that, like, or as if then it is not a feeling
If I feel is followed by a name or pronoun (whether he, you, or I), then it is not a feeling
Eliminate the feel--and see if it still works I feel sad to I'm sad works. I feel
Could you feel it alone on a desert island--Ignored is not a feeling, unimportant is not a feeling, resentment is not a feeling b/c they require another to judge/act. It is a thought about how someone else is judging us
https://emcrit.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/words-that-arent-feelings.jpg ()
p.45 has a list of positive and negative feelings
Stoicism/CBT--We are the only ones responsible for our feelings
We are responsible for everything we do (Replace I have to with I choose to)
Do not connect the feelings to the observations through cause and effect. They relate--they are not caused by.
When I observe X, I feel Y
Even break it down to good/bad
People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them --Epictetus
"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so" from "Hamlet" by William Shakespeare
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