Most parents don't realize that powerful research shows that the ability to delay gratification in children is the most important factor for life success. Not grades. Not genius intelligence. Not money. The most important factor (after having a reasonable level of intelligence) is the trait Concientiousness. That's a fancy way to say, "Ability to delay gratification." Heres an important podcast that points to these facts. 

"A puppy? I can't take having a puppy!" We've all said it, right? And it is true that pets can be a significant stressor when you have very young children. But pets can teach important lessons of empathy, love, patience, and loyalty to our older children. In this podcast, Amelia and Joan discuss the benefits of having family pets and why it might be worth the effort to invite an animal into your family. 

We know there are tons of questions, concerns, hopes and dreams around homeschooling your children. Here are some key concepts by experienced homeschool moms and the research based insights from a clinical mental health counselor. Let us know what other issues you want addressed!

This gives answers to your homeschooling questions. The questions you have wanted to ask and the answers that you need. Enjoy!

Maybe you are trying to go the "gentle parenting" route but find you are yelling at your children more. You are not alone. Here are some solutions to that unhealthy habit of yelling.    

Hear from a super experienced, second-generation homeschool mom of five children ages 10-18 years old. She has successfully navigated the issues that may be challenging you -- and you will get some concrete ideas to inspire you!    Purchase the popular phonics-based reading program at Dash into Learning. Purchase our family-centered Social Emotional Learning program Dash into Happy. 

This episodes discusses the development of attention in children so they can become proficient musicians--plus family traditions that create an appreciation and excitement for masterpiece music. You can start before your baby is even born!   Purchase our delightful early learning curriculum at DashIntoLearning.com and our family centered Social Emotional Learning program at DashIntoHappy.com        

Ever wondered the secrets to getting children to practice their instrument? Joan is a mother of seven musical children and Amelia is the mom of four kids who are learning instruments. And they are sharing some time tested strategies to inspire your child to practice.   See our popular phonics based reading program for kids here at DashintoLearning.com See our popular emotional resilience program for families here at DashintoHappy.com     Show Notes Benefits Composer studies via Charlotte MasonClassical music interactive long term cultural traditionBeethoven instead of white noiseJunk music can undermine love of classical musicExpose your children to the repertoire that they will be learning so they will have         an “Aha”moment with the music.Music can change the flow of composition when making artMusic skills can be enjoyed for a lifetimeStrong links between learning an instruments and academic successImparts discipline for study or concentrationClassical music is rigorous but provides a foundation for other types of music                  study.Attention is like a muscle that can be developed — music is a vehicle to develop           capacity for attentionHow to prime the pump so kids will want to make music.During pleasurable events— traveling, cuddling, dinner, tea partiesClassical music as a repellant for vagrantsLullabies and pre birth musicA speech therapist said Amelia’s child would never learn music but Amelia proved         her wrongDon’t watch a lot of TV but could choose some great classical performers on YouTube to watch.As children fall asleepPrep children for attending the symphony by having kids listen to the music                    beforehandDon’t stay for the whole concert if it’s too long.Symphonies for families, kids, or include ballet.How to actually start teaching musicEstablish habits of obedience BEFORE they start taking lessons. But sometimes                 you can swap chores for practice on the instruments.You can start a 3 year old on violin or piano but it will take longer and cost more             money than starting a 5 year old.Don’t compare your child to others.If you have no musical background you might want to start at age 7-10 so the                child can retain instruction from the teacher.Parents need to attend every lesson and either video or take great notes.Less driving than sports.Find the very best teacher you can afford who can teach proper technique.Don’t be afraid to drive an hour for a superior teacher. Show great respect to the           teacher.This takes a sacrifice on part of parents.Don’t complain to teacher about the cost. Universities can be a good resource for         good teaching.Start music lessons in the summer when they are not overloaded with school. Don’t take summers off from lessons.You only have to practice on the days you eat.Make it part of your family culture.After the first year or so, your child can really bloom.Be excited for all their little winsRecord them and send videos to family.Friend from South KoreaParents role is to be the assistant teacher or practice buddyStart with 3 minutes multiple times a day for a 3 year old.For a total beginner start with as many minutes as they are old.Don’t expect your child to practice independently until about 4th or 5th grade.Start weaning off parent lesson attendance about age 10. By age 12 they should           be practice independently. Some ideas to make fun:1.Divide the goals into very small tasks2. Gamify the practice3. Tiny treats like goldfish or tic tacs4. Practice for spins. Delayed gratification.5. Jump rope with rhymes6. Hand clapping games7. Read a page of a story book8. Tell true stories and stop at cliff hangers9. Closer and closer game10. Board games11. Ball into a basket12. Progressive drawing13. Hang man and tick tac toe14. Doing music can help you develop a relationship and make memories15. You can learn to repair the relationship while they are on the bench.16. Never make pra

Don't you have to criticize your kids and spouse to motivate them? The answer is "No". Learn a different strategy that will help you kick the criticism habit.    Purchase our family-centered Social Emotional Learning program for kids here at DashintoHappy.com Purchase our open-and-go homeschool curricula at DashintoLearning.com   Show notes: Amelia’s experience with her new ponies Strength-based motivation contrasted with “criticism motivation” Creates defensivenesses  Need to disrupt negative strategies  Criticism is a habit of mind “Something’s wrong here” Strength-based motivation is good for relationships and for personal resilience Definition of Strength-based motivation  Example of child cleaning the kitchen poorly “Nothing I do is ever good enough” Laissez-faire parenting ends up in blow-ups and recriminations  Cooperate to assist in cleaning Volunteer to be the servant and boss Make the process relational as you include instruction Example 2: Being on time Find an instance that they are already mastering Validate the person’s strength Invite them to apply strengths to the new situation Find and acknowledge places that people are successful Criticism generates defensiveness Express faith and offer a support system Shaping behavior as a factor in strength based motivation  Definition of shaping behavior Freshman psychology class shaping behavior of professors  Don’t wait for perfection to reinforce behavior Amelia’s example of her daughter’s attitude Have conversation with daughter when she’s not upset A reminder cue  Solution-focused approach What can you keep doing that created the good results  Most of us use criticism 90% of time  Strength-based motivation could be 90% of motivation  This strategy can be used in all relationships regather than shaming and failure Gossiping and complaining  Say 3 nice things about that person or situation instead  When children are whining or complaining ask  What’s right about this situation? Then process what needs to change.  Teach and train before the negative behavior occurs.  Intentionally teach beforehand rather than just catching a child in a bad situation.  This strengthens the attachment relationship After a difficult situation you can ask your child to find 3 good things about the difficult situation  This helps your family culture to be more positive

Show notes week 6 is your child a Praise Junkie?    Definition of "Praise Junkie" One of the downsides of positive parenting  Cultural backdrop of overpraising children:  ◦ BF skinner research in positive reinforcement in 1920s ◦ Definitions of positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, Punishment ◦ Permissive parenting in the 1960s as a pendulum shift ◦ Motivating with positive reinforcement schedules rather than negative reinforcement or punishment.  ◦ Self esteem movement— can be taken too far and create narcissistic traits.  ◦ Self-confidence comes from competence and skills especially for boys. Empty Praise without achievement causes child to doubt their parent because the child understands the truth.  ◦ Filling Mother’s needs for validation (generally the Mom!)  ◦ Trophies for everyone on the team   Problems:  ◦ Praise loses its effectiveness over time and must be increased to get initial effect ◦ Kids can become dependent ◦ Older kids can become dismissive of a parental praise ◦ Children experience the world as strangely harsh and non-supportive compared to parents’ constant fix of praise ◦ But human brains are much more easily motivated by fear than reward, so if we only use positive reinforcement we have an unnecessarily big job. ◦ Human brains perceive pain and pleasure in relative terms—- so without a counterbalance to pleasure, a brain has difficulty sensing pleasure.  ◦ Overpraising also orients the child to external validation rather than internal validation. It leaves them vulnerable to the opinions of others (either good or bad)  ◦ Charlotte Mason quote about internal validation   Solutions ◦ Praise less effusively and less often. Make your praise a more valued commodity  ◦ Model self-validation ◦ Give the child permission : “I would be proud of myself! Are you proud of yourself?” ◦ Give them the words for self validation, “I’ll bet you feel very accomplished, very proud of yourself— eh?” ◦ Ask for introspection : “How does it feel to have accomplished that ? Kinda awesome?” ◦ After an accomplishment ask: “What do you think? “ If they hesitate a great deal, say “If I were you I’d be amazed at myself!” Or another adverb: proud, happy, hopeful, satisfied, ecstatic, pleased.” Be curious. ◦ When kids say I don’t know ◦ Use understated body language: a smile, a wink, Pat on the shoulder, thumbs up, nod of the head. Save the touchdown celebration for something miraculous  ◦ Research shows many high achieving families (Tiger Mothers) use a great deal of shame associated with disappointing parents. Instead we should let our attachment relationship provide the motivation not to disappoint.  ◦ Research also shows a great way that some cultures motivate children is two fold: 1.Tell the child they are gifted in some way. 2. Because of that gift, they must not waste their talent. And that they can always do a little better. 

  Purchase our family-centered Social Emotion Learning program at DashintoHappy.com Purchase our open-and-go homeschool curriculum at DashintoLearning.com   Week 5 show notes Attachment w teens part 2   Secure base to launch your teen Stewardship delegation When teenagers say “I’m fine”  Always maintain authority as you are giving more independence Interviewing/check in w teens Values and goals clarification Life maps How to listen so your child will talk Fetal development  Role play Additive empathy  Attunement and reflecting Strength-based motivation  Trips w kids  Lunch bunch During interviews predict the near future Tell stories to communicate values How to collaborate on rules and consequences Morning devotions and how to avoid a power struggle over religiosity  Pick your battles and stop being nit-picky  

Joan and Amelia talk about attachment with your teenagers.  Be a secure base to launch your teen Stewardship delegation When teenagers say “I’m fine” Always maintain authority as you are giving more independence Interviewing/check in w teens Values and goals clarification Life maps How to listen so your child will talk Fetal development Role play Additive empathy Attunement and reflecting Strength-based motivation Trips w kids Lunch bunch During interviews predict the near future Tell stories to communicate values How to collaborate on rules and consequences Morning devotions and how to avoid a power struggle over religiosity Pick your battles and stop being nit-picky

Secure attachment creates resilience to bullying Ways to “collect” your children Recommended Book: Hold On to Your Kids by Dr. Gordon Neufeld Together Time with your child as an investment in attachment Identifying with adults is an indication of a secure attachment The power of the regular rituals Amelia’s experience in France watching how rituals impact behavior and connection to family culture Family Dinners – and nice China dinner on Sundays Making tea as a ritual that slows us down and encouraging mindfulness Amelia’s teen friend who never had family dinner Morning rituals: devotions, day planning, etc. Rituals of coming and going Memory objects to foster emotional connection Children do more greeting of others than adults do Celebrate the arrival home of people Look into the eyes of your children and smile into their face Reading aloud while cuddling Inside jokes Stop and pause while reading aloud to discuss  Vacation/Staycation Take photos and reminisce together Family projects—work projects, making cookies, home renovations Parents need to leverage their natural authority as the person who knows stuff and gives direction. Rather than google and outsource your authority in front of your child, do the research beforehand if possible. At least, put any internet facts into the context of your family culture. Be your child’s safe place when they are overwhelmed.  Joan’s client who connected her grandparents’ home with safety Sometimes feeding your child to comfort them can be alright since it is so primal “Comfort with Containment” is a reciprocal dynamic between parent and child.  Elementary age grandchild who was asked to contain before the processing Importance of teaching children to contain their distress to deal with reality away from Mom Lawnmower Parent vs. Balanced Parenting Containing distress is an important part of socializing children so that their peers and other adults will not reject the child and the child feels abandoned. Many times, the behaviors of emoting distress in dramatic ways because habitual. Children can learn to express their distress in socially acceptable ways so that they can access support. Have a pet name for your child to create unique attachment How to comfort others in distress: Three-part brain description: Reptilian (Brain stem), Mammalian Brain (Limbic system etc), Humanistic Brain (Neocortex) When a child is distressed, their prefrontal cortex goes offline You may escalate the stress by trying to problem-solve too soon after the distress.  Instead, hold, comfort and reassure your upset child. Possibly give a bath to relax their bodies.  Soothe a child through their body systems (on the Reptilian Brain level) and through the feeling level (Mammalian brain) Don’t use too many words when comforting them. Cry with your child if it feels right. Wrap in a warm blanket, hug them, rock them, put them in a warm bath, feed them from your hand. Sleeping with them, cuddling with them.  Save the problem solving for after the child is comforted.  Warning signs of peer dependence: If your child is overly devastated by peer drama/rejection If your child rejects parental authority/comfort/counsel If your child needs to be constantly connected with their peersDon’t give elementary aged children screens/phones One of the tasks for parents is to help their children to become socially acceptable while remaining securely attached to parents. Small changes are enough to make big results. Choose one thing and implement it.

Purchase our emotional resilience program for parents and kids here and our other educational curriculum here: dashintolearning.com One benefit of Secure attachment with parents rather than peers:  Secure attachment improves resilience to bullying Parents as the Safe-haven  Teen Suicide after bullying because of peer dependence  Homeschooled kids are often more securely attached to parents Parents can be a Secure Base to explore the world.  Attachment comes first before confident exploring Early on, parents should foster a healthy dependence by meeting their needs in an attuned way.  Milton Erickson stages: First task: Trust vs Mistrust Safe Haven allows forays into independence with a safety net.  Goal of adulthood is not to be independent, but to be healthfully interdependent after independence established.  Babies need lots of body connection and touch through the touch pressure relationship.  Book Recommendation: Dr Gordon Neufeld Hold on to Your Kids.  Foster healthy independence.  Joan’s big mistake as a brand new teen mother.  Old school survival technique was not to validate emotions. Thankful for modeling from mature mothers.  Routine helps to foster attachment.  Nursing or holding bottle better than propping bottle.  Toddlers identifying with parents increases with attachment.  Parents need to be benevolent and strong to inspire toddlers identification.  Example of strong and benevolence.  Timing is very important when enforcing boundaries.  Parents need to respond quickly to disobedience with strength and benevolence.  When you give a command and you follow through, the child’s trust in you increases. The attachment increases.  Having a three-year old to make decisions in the family is an undue burden.  Boys who get away with ignoring their mothers disrespect women when older.  Don’t ask children to process in the moment when upset.  Can’t do the long drawn out explanations with young, upset children.  Examples of how good boundaries keep everyone safe and productive: Dairy cows and bad fences.  Training horses and how much easier not to allow pattern in the first place.  French parenting with firm boundaries.  Low levels of ADHD in French children.  No time on screens Children connect to extended family Day care research on attachment.  Spontaneously respond to children before they make a bid for connection.  Offer attention before children are deprived.

Amelia and Joan introduce themselves Purpose of the podcast General parenting philosophy Three lenses for understanding behavior: Cognitive Trauma Attachment Role of attachment in relationships Differences in the attachment paradigm and various practices Definition of Peer Dependence in children Why Peer dependence is potentially harmful How the modern culture creates peer dependence What to look for to tell if your child is peer dependent Ways to start creating more secure attachments with parents/family ♥️Purchase our emotional resilience program for parents and kids here ♥️Purchase our other educational curriculum here: dashintolearning.com