You're in a group, a friendship, a romance, and certain things just aren't working. It might be money, it might be scheduled events, it might be communication.
You've tried everything you know to try, and everyone involved is doing their best. What's happening?
Someone in the situation is incompetent - for example, someone simply can't handle money - and their incompetence dooms any attempts.
There's no fixing this with them or for them. They will not improve and they will not learn. Exit this interaction - you can do other things with them, but not what they are incompetent at.
If a thing needs to happen, and the person who needs to make it happen isn't, and you don't think it's the nice thing to require them to correct their behavior, then you are misunderstanding the situation.
Necessity and nice aren't opposites. Necessity means that the change has to happen - nice matters only in how you tell them. Tell them nicely and politely what the problem is, and what your first thoughts on a solution are.
If they choose not to do what's needed, then you're not in a situation where nice applies, you're in a confrontation with a person who refuses to do what you require.
You may have wanted to be a concert pianist or an astronaut as a child. Now you discover that you have a mind for details and an intuitive grasp of numbers. You are making amazing progress as an accountant.
Which should you follow? Your dreams, or your aptitudes?
Both, of course! You should do what you're good at, what you're built for, what your life choices makes easy and fun for you. Don't push yourself to be what others over the years told you was right - double down on what you do best, do it even better, and earn more, have more fun, and take better care of those around you.
All work and no play makes for a dull life. But all play works worse, and playing in ways that hurts your productivity (be it work, study, or caring for people in your life) isn't a good alternative.
You need to play, and you need to play at times and in ways that don't slow down other parts of your life. To do this, ask yourself what you have to do for those other parts. Do you need to exercise, pack a lunch, pick up children, go to the grocery store, sleep...
Once you know the things that can't be moved in your life, such as work, study, and children, and you know what you have to do to be effective at those, you can see where you have time to play. Perhaps you can go partying Saturday night? Perhaps Tuesday evening is your social time? Maybe weekends before your family wakes up you can go birdwatching?
More than letting it go, you have to be happy to see it go. I mean the parts of your life that aren't working - the friendships that have gotten cold or toxic, your love for alcohol and parties that have you hung over and anti-social the rest of the week...
You have to change. You have to make space for the new, and to do that you have to prune away the old in your life and in your personality. Do it - and more than that, do it with anticipation. Because on the other side of the pain of loss of those old, familiar friends and behaviors and thinking patterns is the new you that will be better adapted to the life you have, the life you want.
State your goals clearly. Find out your values. Be clear and be honest. World peace is neither a goal you have, nor a value, it's an evasion.
Now consider whether your goals and your values are in agreement. Can you reach your goals while acting as your values dictate? If you can, you're great.
If your values and your goals disagree, you're going to be stuck in place. Maybe this is already happening to you? Maybe you sabotage yourself constantly, and refuse to do actions contrary to your values that would move you toward your goals?
In this is happening to you, you need to change your goals or your values, or both. It won't be easy.
Religion provides a moral compass and an emotional refuge. It's a central part of normalizing our society.
When we use some of the lessons and promises of religion to guide our lives, we become confused. The infinite joy that will follow this life, and the other beliefs that underpin many religions, are poor standards to measure and improve this messy, painful existence.
It's better to keep some of the assumptions of religion on the religious side of your thinking, and improve life using standards intended to result in the best life you can lead.
You can lower your expectations to become happier. Everyone knows this. But you have to keep your goals high, or your life decays and you have to lower your expectations further and further.
The more correct way to think is that you lower your expectations for happiness, but you keep your goals high to progress through a good life.
Drama is anything that isn't discussing a problem, compromising, and then resolving the problem. In other words, drama is a way to have more problems.
If you have people in your life who add drama, get them away from you.
If it's you... stop.
Pain is a part of life. Do what you can to lessen it, but once you are hurt by someone, divide the pain to get the most out of the experience.
Some of the pain was bad luck - you could not have avoided it. Just accept that life contains bad luck.
Don't bury how you feel about what happened - acknowledge your emotions. They're real and they matter.
Some of the pain was your mistake - learn from it, and do better.
Once you've done this and have processed what happened, has the experience opened some doors for you?
Most of what you do in your life is your routine. Brushing your teeth, watching television, eating dinner.
Anything that repeats, is disproportionately important in your life. If it repeats every work day, such as a commute or breakfast, it's massively important.
A simple first step to improving your life is to make these routines better - a shorter commute, a healthier breakfast, some time before school to hug and enjoy your children. Over time the repetition will make the effect of these improvements massive.
You've tried resolution, win-win, and diplomacy. You've tried avoiding the conflict, and exiting the situation. Nothing has worked.
The person you have conflict does not want resolution, and does not want the conflict to end. They either enjoy subjecting you to the conflict, or want you to give them something you don't owe them just to stop the pressure.
There's no relationship left to protect. You don't want a person like this in your life.
All that's left is the conflict - do you give in, knowing that you will be giving in again soon, because they will know that they can pressure you for more? Do you endure this unpleasant conflict forever?
The problem is the conflict. To end it, and ensure this person doesn't do this again, you must make the conflict so unpleasant for them that they will not do it again. You must go at them in the nastiest ways that you can, and you must continue after they have asked for resolution or an end to conflict.
In other words, mirror them. Be even worse than them. And do it until they cannot bear it any longer. This way, they will not start conflict with you again.
We're emotional beings, but most communication we experience is rational. Rational communication fails to connect with the emotional side of us, and fails to convince and reassure us.
When a friend, co-worker, or person you love is communicating with you, have both conversations: The rational one in which you respond to their concerns, and the emotional one in which you acknowledge their fear, loneliness, and uncertainty.
The emotional conversation is the one they need more.
Some decisions are urgent. You must get out of the way of a truck, or die.
You are taking all other decisions too quickly. You probably aren't even giving the decisions enough rational thought; but you're definitely not giving yourself time to check your emotional feedback, and you haven't discussed the decision with the people in your life who will be affected by it.
Take at least one night. Better yet, take until you are ready. Decisions that are made slower, if there is no deadline, are most often better decisions.
Someone has done you wrong. Defend yourself, and make what changes need to be made to prevent it from happening again.
Then, let it go. Put it from your mind. Forgive, or not - but stop paying the person, and their actions, attention.
Your resentment is hurting you, not them. It's costing you attention and happiness.
However you can do it, move your focus somewhere else. And move your focus away as many times as you need, until your resentment fades.
You're listening to this podcast, so you want to explore more possibilities in this time of abundance. How can you store all the tasks, notes, and appointments you make in your limited brain?
Like a car externalizes transportation and your cell phone extends the reach of your voice, a to-do list, a calendar, and a list of goals externalize your mind and allow you to remember more.
Even better: When you put your todo list and calendar in a trusted place, you can focus on this moment now with all your attention. Your pets, children, friends, and loved ones will enjoy your complete attention.
From time to time we get overwhelmed. It's a combination of our wanting to do more, and life being unpredictable. Sometimes, it's life being more than we can handle.
We shut down. We try to make sense, internally, of the chaos and fear.
While we are sorting ourselves out, what do you do to keep your life moving? You do... anything. Don't pick a task. Don't think. Just do... something.
When should you ask for what you want? Always!
If you're not asking for what you want, there might be some reasons, and some ways that you can learn to start asking.
Only one can be the best, and it most likely won't be you - and the investment of effort into being the best is too large.
Instead set your sights lower. Second best is still great! And it will take less effort, which you can put into reaching other goals.
There's more happiness in being good at several things than the best at one.
Pain is inevitable in life. Some pain, like a fire, you must avoid. Some, like physical exercise, you must seek out (in moderation, under the supervision of a doctor).
Emotional pain is inevitable. It comes during and at the end of almost every relationship we have.
Trying to avoid it can only be done by limiting our relationships. Since you want those relationships, you want the pain.
The best way you can handle it is to accept that you are going to hurt, and you are going to have to endure it. Face the pain. Spend the day, week, or month in emotional agony. But know that the pain will pass, and your life will find new balance.
