Isaiah 9:6 NIV“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”

Many who follow me know I’m a spiritual guy. Christmas has deeper meaning. For Christians like myself, Christmas is a celebration of God’s living gift to us.

“For to us” is the tag on the present.

“From” is God.

The gift is “a child is born, a son is given.”



It’s a living gift.

I kinda like the idea of “living gifts”. I have a few suggestions on what you can give to your family.



The gift of presence—not presents

Try being mindfully present with those you love. Wouldn’t it be nice to slow down some? Why not cuddle with the family on the couch in your pjs with hot chocolate.

Here’s another way you can give your presence. Stop, focus and really showing an interest in what your spouse or kids are talking about. 
Your presence is felt by slowing down and listening intently.



The gift of peace

Some households are fraught with tension or conflict. Negative attitudes cause fights to break out.

“As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Wise words from the apostle Paul.

Disengage from conflict. Diffuse a potential argument by saying something like, “The holiday season is meant to bring us joy and peace. Let’s not ruin it. I’d like for us to try and get along today.”



The gift of forgiveness

The theme of forgiveness is woven into the Christmas story. God’s gift of his son is intended to bring forgiveness of sins and salvation.

Unforgiveness and resentment toward family members puts a chill in the holiday season. Be open to forgive an offense.



The gift of kindness

Get centered and get in touch with your kind heart. Imagine how you will express it to your family throughout the day. Set the tone by slowing down and doing thoughtful things for others. Give the gift of your kindness.



The gift of charity

Opportunities abound to help others in need. Homeless in the city. Hurting families in the community. People who have lost loved ones.



Charity can come in the form of donation of money. Charity can also be cooking a meal, buying gifts, giving warm clothes.

Now it’s your turn
Living gifts are the best. They come from the heart. It doesn’t cost you anything to give living gifts, except a little pride. Don’t wait for others before you give a living gift. God got the ball rolling so to speak by initiating the gift.
The Güdlife is Coming!
In January you will be the first to hear about a revolutionary relationship support community is launching in 2019. It’s going to do something many of my clients and subscribers have begged me to do. Imagine having all the support you need when you need it.
Get ready for less conflict and more of the Güdlife!

2018 has been a mixed bag in my marriage. We had some pretty cool things happen. Like our trip to Switzerland with my youngest son Jordan. But then we also experienced some pain. Two weeks before the trip my mom died.

Additionally, my wife Marian was dealing with chronic stress at work. Meanwhile I have been busy working on another business set to launch in January 2019.

We didn’t realize until recently how much of a toll these things were taking on our marriage. We weren’t in crisis by any stretch but a gradual distance was creeping in. I’d say there was less connection, and a little more conflict.

Eventually we talked about it. We opened up about how we were feeling and what was contributing to the disconnect. The consensus was, “we are better than this”. So, we decided to get back to the things we find works well for us.

Aren’t we better than this?

A common question in the minds of many couples fraught by frenetic activity that keeps them locked into the busyness of family life and often at odds with each other. They keep giving to everyone else and have little left for themselves or each other for that matter.

Bad habits can form quickly in marriage. Couples interact in passing. Short quick “hello” “goodbye”. Hardly time for a kiss or an embrace. Text has replaced talk. “I’m busy. You need something, text me.”
Marriage Malnutrition Epidemic
Couples on the go suffer from malnutrition. The marriage is not being fed. Not surprising why so many couples are “fed up” with each other. Needs are not being met.

I see this pattern a lot. It concerns me.

Couples lose interest in each other. Some prefer to go out with friends over each other.

Couples who do not connect regularly retreat to private places in the house where they can be alone, watch tv, engage in social media, or catch up on work.

Alone they may wonder, “What happened to us? Aren’t we better than this?”

You are better than this! Your marriage may not need a heart transplant. It probably needs some nutrition. Marian and I got better by feeding our relationship. All it took was a few simple gestures every day.

Here are 7 ways you can make your relationship better.
#1: Start by being nice to each other.
Malnourished couples lack basic kindness. It’s apparent in their interactions. The tone of voice is often negative or flat. Lacks positive sentiment.

They wait behind their well-constructed walls. Neither wants to make the first move.

If this describes your relationship, consider “waving a white flag” with each other. Remember you are allies, not adversaries.

Being nice begins with your disposition. Try being more positive and less negative. Be thoughtful.

Start by doing little nice things for each other. Small acts of kindness over the course of a week can ease tension and show good faith effort that you care about your spouse.

When you do, don’t draw attention to it. If your spouse doesn’t notice it or comment, don’t take it negatively. Do it out of the kindness of your heart, not to score points, or prove yourself.
#2: Try changing your tone when you talk.
Tone can make or break your message. Slow down. Don’t speak so fast. Think before you speak. Rehearse your words. Find your respectful voice. 
#3: Tune in when your mate is speaking to you.
Stop and focus on your spouse when spoken to. Mute the TV. Put your device down. Turn away from the computer screen. Take a deep breath, focus.
#4: Take an interest in what is going on in each other’s day.
It only takes a few minutes to check in with each other about what is going on in the day. An important client meeting? Pitching a proposal?

“We’re not in a good place and haven’t been for some time. My partner doesn’t want the relationship to end and is willing to work harder at it. Will it be enough for me to stay?”

Relationships suffer from a prolonged lack of attention. Despair morphs into disillusion.

Walls of self-protection are constructed slowly and methodically over years. Every disappointment, hurt, rejection, or betrayal is another brick to insulate the heart from future pain. Co-existing behind walls is not ideal, but for many it is functional. The family is intact but they keep each other at a distance.

Yet the absence of connection and the yearning to feel safe and loved remains a deep personal need for distant partners. Leaving is one way to break out of the fog of confusion. But is it the right choice?

“My partner wants doesn’t want to end the marriage. He or she wants to work on the relationship. I hear ownership, a commitment to change, an openness to do things differently.

Is it real? Will it last? And—will the outcome be enough for me to stay?”

These are 3 familiar questions I hear from couples contemplating restoring an unhappy marriage.

Friends, family, or co-workers may offer advice based on their own experiences. Some may be helpful especially when they help you look at it from both perspectives. Others can be jaded based upon personal experience.

Deciding to work on an unhappy marriage in the end, is up to you. Staying to give it a try will have some challenges. Leaving has challenges too.

So, my answer to the 3 questions is: “Some time will tell.” Notice I underscore some. Let me explain what I mean as you read on.

3 things need to happen during this time period.
#1: Honesty needs to happen
If change is going to be real you need to be honest with yourself and each other. You have to speak the truth to your partner about what has happened and how you feel.

Honesty will hurt. Especially when you are confronted with the truth about what you’ve done and how your partner feels in the relationship.

Let’s talk about ownership.

If you or your spouse cannot honestly own your faults without excuses then you might as well end the relationship now. Don’t delay the agony of staying together under false pretenses any longer.

Let’s talk about commitment to change.

You also need to be honest with yourself and your partner if you are committed to working on changing yourself. Are you doing this for yourself or to save the marriage?

If you’re doing it to save the marriage it is probably not going to last. It’s more like a short term solution to a long term problem, but you’re not getting to the core. If you are committed to change for yourself regardless of the outcome of your marriage, you will work harder and potentially  have lasting results.

People who are truly honest will put in the hard work and not give up even when faced with resistance. They prove their honesty in the early phase and throughout because they want permanent change.

By the way, if you can’t do the work because you’re tired and too much has happened, you need to be honest with yourself and your partner that it is over. It’s time to move on. Do not delay the inevitable. It will only make it harder.
#2: Openness to work together needs to happen
If your partner is out from behind the wall and making the effort, you can’t hide behind the wall waiting for proof. The act of stepping out from behind the wall is initial evidence. You will need to take a step outside your wall too.

Openness to work together requires some vulnerability on your part. You will have to give some consideration for a period of time tha...

If you are a regular subscriber to my blog, by now you learned my mother died peacefully in her sleep a week ago. I could not have scripted a better ending to a remarkable life.

My father died 24 years ago, so now I’m parentless. It feels empty. I miss my mom terribly. Fortunately, I am blessed with in-law parents who are so loving and gracious.

If you’ve lost a parent, I’m sure you identify with what I’m going through. My heartfelt condolences to readers currently grieving a loss.

My four siblings and I did a fairly good job walking with mom in the final chapter of her life. We met often to address mom’s health concerns and stepped in to give her support when her dependency needs increased. We wanted mom to remain the author of her story, but we were always present to give her input so she wasn’t alone facing her declining health.

This approach helped us process what was happening with grace and dignity. We had some amazing experiences along the way and moments of intimacy with mom that prepared us for what was coming. Nothing was left to do or say.

I spent the night with mom on Friday and the next morning, unbeknownst to me, was her final visit to the hairdresser. Getting her hair done was one of the few things left she could really enjoy. I watched Nancy, her stylist do the final tease on her hair and she looked so beautiful.

One the way home my mom said, “I hate been such a burden on my children.” I said, “Mom, you’re not a burden, you’re a blessing!”

I can honestly say we did well in caring for our mother in her final chapter of life. So let me leave you with 5 things you don’t want to do when faced with a parent who’s dying.
#1: Don’t avoid the inevitable
At some point in life you will face the inevitable reality that your parents will die. Unfortunately some face this as early as childhood, while most of us confront this reality in our adult life.

Dying is not something we find easy to accept when it comes to a family member. We know our parents as strong leaders, people we look up to and rely upon. But aging takes over, illness increases. Eventually, you confront the inevitable.

This is especially true when death is imminent. Don’t fear it or avoid it. Instead, face it with courage.

Talk about it with your siblings or people you trust. Share your worries and concerns. You can find support and guidance when you face the inevitable.
#2: Don’t wait too long to begin a conversation
As your parent ages you will see a gradual decline in independence. This is a very hard adjustment for a senior adult. Privately they fear increasing dependence and change in quality of life.

If you have siblings, it would be wise to have private conversations to address your concerns about your aging parent before you talk with him or her. Identify growing dependency needs. Highlight areas of independence your parent still exhibits.

Have a conversation with your parent about the aging process. Ask questions about what they notice about themselves. Afterward, share your observations and express your concerns.
#3: Don’t live with regret
There is a scene from the movie, “Meet Joe Black” where the main character, William Parrish knows he’s going to die that night. His daughter suspects but is not quite sure. He talks to her about living without regret.

William Parrish: I want you to know how much I love you, that you’ve given a meaning to my life that I had no right to expect, that no one can ever take from me.

Susan Parrish: Dad…

William Parrish: No! I love you so much.  And I want you to promise me something. I don’t want you to ever worry about me.

All couples encounter major problems from time-to-time. You are not going to get along 24/7.

Problems don’t disappear once you adjust. Expect occasional conflicts throughout married life. This is normal. Problems may be minor or major depending on the circumstances.

Most couples can manage to get through minor problems. All of us need help navigating our way through the major issues that flare up. 

One of the biggest traps I see couples get into is stockpiling their problems instead of resolving them. You definitely want to avoid this trap!

[Tweet “Don’t stockpile your problems. Work through them together.”]
#1 Focus on the problem, not the person
In conflict, a knee-jerk reaction is to focus on your spouse as the problem. A disagreement can flare quickly. Soon, the problem is not the problem. It is your partner’s view.

We can react to an opposing view by saying:

* “You’re absolutely wrong!”
* “You’re crazy!”
* “You don’t have a clue!”
* “I cannot believe you see it that way.”

Notice how the spouse is now the problem? Why? Because he or she doesn’t see things your way. Couples can quickly move into a power struggle over who is right and wrong. This back-n-forth interaction shifts attention from the problem to a person.

For example, take Jon and Kaylee.

Jon wants to get rid of his clunker and buy a new car. The couple did not factor a car payment into their budget. Kaylee thinks Jon’s idea won’t work financially and voices her opposition. Jon is upset with Kaylee’s response and the following argument ensues.

Jon – “I cannot believe you don’t agree with this idea. Do you expect me to drive this piece of junk forever? Whenever it comes to things I want, you’re not on board. It’s not fair Kaylee, I bend backwards to support what you want!”

Kaylee – “Jon you are so impulsive. How do you expect us to pay for a new car? Where do you think we are going to get the money? I can support an idea that makes sense. You keep coming up with these stupid ideas that don’t work. Sorry dude, I’m not on board.”

Notice how the conversation shifted from the problem (car purchase) to a person? Jon views Kaylee’s inflexibility as the problem and she sees Jon’s impulsivity as the issue at hand. They are quickly off topic.

To work through major problems you have to see your spouse as an ally, not an adversary. You may see differently on how to resolve a problem but to find a solution you cannot make it personal just because you disagree.

Let’s see how Jon and Kaylee would stay on topic by focusing on the issue of the car.

Jon: “I know we did not budget for a car and we may not afford it, but I think it is an important purchase.”

Kaylee: “True, it’s not in our budget so I cannot see how we can afford a new car. How do you propose we pay for it?” 
#2: Keep your emotions in check
Jon wants to feel supported. Kaylee wants to feel secure. If your spouse’s reaction to the problem triggers an emotion, it may intensify spontaneously and manifest in your response. This is what caused this couple to come off the rails so quickly.

So, how do you keep your emotions in check? Here are some tips:

* Take a few deep breaths from your diaphragm. 

* This will calm your physiological system (mind and body)


* Identify your emotion. 

* You might think right away that it’s anger. More often, anger is a secondary emotion. What’s underneath is primary. Jon may have felt dismissed. Kaylee may have felt pressured.


* Express your emotion with controlled intensity

* “I’m feeling a little pressured by your approach” i...

I see the pain of love everyday. Love hurts.

I’m experiencing it right now as the failing health of my mom is a stark reminder that I will not have her with me forever.

How can something that feels so powerfully good, feel so awful at times?

In Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, he lists “love and belonging” as a fundamental human need for survival. Loving and being loved is a basic human longing.

The most fulfilling life experience is to love and be loved. Love comes in various forms: familial love, friendship, romance, pets, etc…

Relationships have a beginning and an end.

Holding on feels so good.

Letting go hurts so bad.

The first jolt of pain hits most of us in our teenage years when we experience our first love. The inevitable reak-up really hurts.

Love hurts not just at the end, but along the journey too. For some, the hurt can exceed the happiness. For example:

* Disappointment – a pattern of negative behavior from someone you love hurts. Repeated broken promises is another disappointment that hurts.
* Faded love – falling in then falling out of love. While one feels love, the other finds it has faded away.
* Betrayal – from someone you love feels like a dagger in your heart.
* Unanticipated Endings – terminal illness, tragic accident
* Natural Endings – the natural course of ending after a life well lived.

The movie, Shadowlands portrays the story of author/professor, C.S. Lewis’ marriage to the American poet, Joy Gresham. Originally, the marriage was a transactional agreement to provide a pathway for Joy to secure citizenship in England. The couple eventually fell in love. Shortly thereafter Joy was diagnosed with a terminal illness that took her life.

Lewis, struggled with the concept of love because of the pain involved. Here is an excerpt from the movie.

Jack (C.S. Lewis): Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I’ve been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal.

Joy Gresham: We can’t have the happiness of yesterday without the pain of today. That’s the deal.

The pain of love is inevitable. We cannot have the happiness of love without at some point, experiencing the pain.
How to Heal When Love Hurts
When the behavior of someone you love wounds your heart it hurts. One may wonder, “Can I survive this?” “How do I cope?” Knowing that some pain is inevitable, how does one heal? And–is it worth it to love again? Tough questions.

Here are 5 ways to heal when love hurts.
#1: Embrace the pain
Don’t try to suppress or avoid the emotional pain. You have to muster the courage to be present with your feelings.

Release the hurt. Express the emotion. Let the tears flow.
#2: Express your pain to a supportive person
Sometimes you will be all alone when the hurt surfaces. Remember #1.

You will also need a trusted person nearby to express your feelings when love hurts. A supportive person can offer you comfort, a shoulder to cry on.

You will not feel completely alone.
#3: Allow healing to take it’s natural course
You cannot fast track your feelings. Avoiding, suppressing, moving on, not thinking about it, is not a healthy approach. Your pain will leak out in ways that do not serve you well.

Take the pressure off yourself to get over it quickly. Nor should you go on mourning forever. If you follow steps 1 and 2, healing will likely follow a natural course.

When it comes to expectations about married life this is a question in the minds of most partners. “What do you expect from me?”

Have you asked this of each other? And—have you taken time to unpack your expectations about spending life together?

You might be surprised at how many couples don’t take sufficient time to tackle the myriad of questions surrounding marriage and raising a family. A mutual discussion about topics like:

* How do you envision your role in our marriage?
* What about the division of labor when it comes to responsibilities?
* Do you want kids? If so, how many? When do you want to start?
* How do you see us keeping our marriage a priority?
* What are your views about extended family relationships and how to blend our expectations about traditions, holidays, family get togethers, etc…
* What are you thoughts about how to manage finances?

If you want to get started on the right foot together then get into the habit of discussing expectations. Here’s why.

Talking about expectations is important in the beginning and throughout marriage

Marriage, like life, does not follow a linear path. While you may envision your marriage, life events will occur that you are unable to factor in right now. The vows you make when you get married prepare you for “good times and bad, in sickness and health, etc…”. 

Setting expectations together help you define how to live together. It also increases the probability that you will have what you want as a couple. Why? Because when you clarify your expectations, you will work hard together to achieve them.

[Tweet “Talking about expectations is important in the beginning and throughout marriage”]

When new events happen, for example a job relocation, you will be able to navigate decisions more effectively because you have developed the skill of communicating your expectations with each other.

The list of expectation questions above is a good place to start if you haven’t already begun to talk together. Keep in mind that expectation conversations are important to have throughout married life. Needs change, thus expectations change as well. 

There are three types of expectations to address:

* Personal expectations – what I want you to know about me
* Relational expectations – how we will connect as a couple
* Transactional expectations – how we will function as a couple

Let’s take a closer look at these.
Personal expectations: what I want you to know about me
Do you know what you envision for your life? Not that you need to have it all figured out, but can you describe the larger brushstrokes?

Being clear with each other about who you are and what you want in life is very important. Why? Knowing what to expect about your mate’s personal interests and life ambitions help you know how to support each other. Furthermore, it will help guide couple decisions so that both of you can live fulfilling lives.

Couples who have ongoing conversations about personal expectations avoid future conflicts. They are more equipped to accommodate the aspirations each bring into the marriage. By doing this each partner feels respect and support.
Relational Expectations: how we will connect as a couple
What do you expect your marriage to look like? How will you be as a couple?

This gets into talking about your connection as a couple. Being clear with your partner about how to be toward each other is important.

A major problem with married couples is putting their relationship on the back burner after they start having kids. Unhealthy relational patterns quickly form and cause problems for the couple.

When it comes to couple communication, here’s a request I get a lot.

“Help us learn how to communicate right!”

Sadly, many of the couples asking the question have been married for several years!By then they developed some awful patterns of communicating. In this lesson, I will address these common mistakes so you can avoid them as you are starting out.

Did you know that the number one reason why couples seek counseling is because they do not know how to communicate? So, let’s look at the do’s and don’ts of couple communication.
#1: Don’t make assumptions about your spouse
Here are two major assumptions couples make that can derail communication quickly:

* My spouse should know what I need
* I know what my spouse is thinking

Let’s start with the first assumption: “If spouse loves me, he/she should know what I need..”

One major faux pas in couple communication is assuming your partner knows what you need when you need it. The mistaken belief is that couples in love are always tuned in at a deeper level. The reality is that your spouse is not going to be tuned into you 24/7.

Another major faux pas is when couples make assumptions about what each other is thinking without checking it out first. Acting on what you assume your partner is thinking is not a good strategy and often fuels conflict.

Now, let’s examine how to handle assumptions.
Do check-out assumptions with your spouse
Mind-reading rarely works. A more effective approach is to check-out your assumptions with your spouse. Here’s how it can work with the assumption: “My spouse should know what I need.”

Checking out assumption:“It’s been a rough day at work and I am overwhelmed with all the household work staring at me. Do you know what I need right now?”

If your partner doesn’t answer correctly you can say, “I could use a hug and a little help with the dishes.”

Clarifying your need and asking your spouse for support is a reasonable request. It is not a sign of weakness on your part. Nor is it a bad sign if your spouse doesn’t know what you need at the time. Throughout married life we are students of each other. Students learn and get better at anticipating needs, but early on we all have to be taught.
#2: Do not talk over your spouse
Talking over someone is a clear act of disrespect. You have something to say too, but if you interrupt your partner, the conversation may get off the rails. Next thing you know, your mate is talking over you and the interaction escalates.

Couples talk over each other for a variety of reasons:

* when they feel really excited about something and want to share it, but can’t wait for their partner to stop talking
* when they feel like the only way they can get a chance to speak is to interrupt 
* when they disagree with the facts of a story and feel the need to correct the narrative
* when they feel something negative coming from their partner. This is a knee-jerk reaction to defend oneself. 

Interrupting is rude and signals to your partner that you care more about your voice being heard than hers or his. Is this what you want?
Do listen with genuine interest
When you’re spouse is talking to you, show genuine interest. Stop what you’re doing, put down your device, and look her or him in the eye. This courteous act conveys respect.

Sometimes you might not like or agree with what your spouse is saying. The temptation to interrupt is strong. Don’t do it! You’ll get your turn to talk.

Hold back and let your partner finish talking. Slow down, be patient, and try to understand the gist of what he or she is trying to say. Doing this will help you both resolve the issue.

What is the one thing that sets connected couples apart from others?

It’s not just what they do per se. We’ve covered that in previous blogs. Things like:

* good communication
* mutual support
* respect
* date nights
* teamwork

There is something unique about connected couples. It’s how they are toward each other.

The one thing that sets connected couples apart is vulnerability. They are vulnerable with each other. When vulnerability is expressed by one, it is met with respect and compassion by the other.

Take another look at the picture above. This is what connected couples do. Yes, guys too.

Vulnerability breathes love and belongingness. It connects couples on a deeper level because it supports the free expression of self. Vulnerability is a pathway to mutual happiness.
Why is it so difficult to be vulnerable?
Here are three common barriers to vulnerability between couples.

* Pride – I don’t want to be seen as weak or imperfect
* Shame – you might not like me or judge me
* Fear – you might reject me or punish me

What do most people do about vulnerability?

* Suppress it – push feelings down, avoid expressing themselves
* Reject it – I will feel worse. It won’t work. I will be judged.
* Numb it – Brene Brown in a Ted Talk about the subject noted that addiction is a common way we numb unpleasant feelings.

Vulnerability is not easy for emotionally distant couples

They don’t feel safe
They don’t trust their partner
They don’t think it will make a difference

How to Cultivate Vulnerability
Couples become vulnerable with each other in early romance. They have no problem opening up with each other. Sadly, many couples stop doing this when they settle into the relationship.

Married couples spend most of their time working, raising kids, and doing household tasks. Little time is invested in the relationship. Because the majority of their interactions are about tasks, they fight more than they love. Emotional distance sets in. Suffice it to say, it’s not easy to be vulnerable with each other.

Here are 5 ways to cultivate vulnerability.
Find a safe place to practice vulnerability
Couples counseling is one of the best settings for couples. A counselor can establish a safe setting for couples to open up and share their hearts.

Here’s another idea. Watch heart-warming movies together and talk about your reaction to the characters. Or try joining a small group that fosters close connections. You can practice opening up in a trusted group.

You can also practice vulnerability by opening up to close friends you trust to protect your privacy.
Summon your courage to be real
Fear and shame inhibit vulnerability. Courage will help you break through these barriers.

Find your center and be real. Don’t hold back. Be true to your real self.

Some people are afraid to open up because they don’t want to appear weak or be imperfect. Perfection is an illusion. Authenticity is what connects people.
Speak your truth with respect
The “keeping it real” notion of speaking the brutal truth is not effective. Vulnerability has a tone of respect.

If you need to tell your spouse or partner how you feel in the relationship, convey your truth with respect.
Listen with an open mind
Defensiveness is counterproductive to vulnerability. It will cause your partner to shut down right away. Try to understand your partner. Ask curiosity questions to deepen your understanding.
Validate the vulnerability

Most guys don’t know how to respond when their woman becomes emotional. It reminds me of a classic scene from the movie, “A League of Their Own”.
“There’s no crying in baseball!”
In the movie, Tom Hanks plays a drunken, worn out manager of an all women baseball league. He does the typical angry manager reaction to a player who made a terrible play in the outfield. The problem is, she is a female who doesn’t respond well to in-your-face screaming. Her reaction is an outburst in tears, to which the manager reacts with a loud declaration (in red).
Men don’t respond well to female emotions
Men do not know how to respond when women cry.

Sometimes they react.
“What’s your problem?”
“Will you stop with the tears!”
“Oh, here you go again…”
“I can’t believe you’re crying over this.”

Some guys disengage, or have the “deer in headlights” look.

Bottom line guys–none of these work for the woman in your life.

What’s the problem with men? Do they lack a sensitivity chip? Do they care about a woman’s feelings? Are they afraid of weaker emotions?
The root of a man’s problem
It’s not a difference male vs female “wiring”. Actually, it’s a difference in male vs female “rearing”. Sadness, fear, loneliness, are softer emotions often expressed by women through tears–crying. Guys are raised to avoid the softer/weaker emotions. “Big boys don’t cry!” This is a rule drilled into the minds of young boys as a means to socially engineer us for the expectations of manhood–to protect and provide–to conquer and achieve. “There’s no crying in manhood.”

This places men at a disadvantage when it comes to forming deep, meaningful connections with women. In the early phase of romance guys are actually pretty good at expressing and responding to emotions. I think it is connected to the activation of the primal hunt to capture the woman.

Most men are good in the short term in being emotionally available. Once they capture the woman, guys shift back to being guys. This is very confusing for women. “What happened to the sensitive and romantic guy who swept me off my feet?”
Men do care, they just show it different
Women look for emotional empathy and support. Guys are more likely to respond with cognitive (rational) empathy. In other words, they are going to try to fix the problem of crying. So your guy may try to get you to stop crying by saying, “It’s not necessary to get emotional.” Or he may try to do something for you or distract you from your emotions.

His intentions are caring, but his approach doesn’t work. He can come across as being totally insensitive. Actually, he is doing what he has been reared to do–avoid weaker emotions. This is not an excuse, it’s an explanation.
A man can learn how to respond when his woman becomes emotional.

It’s not like we are ruined by how we were raised. Emotions are not categorized by male vs female. Emotions are human–guys are human–so these emotions are down there somewhere. They just need to be activated. For now, let’s just focus on how a guy can respond to his woman. Allow me to give our male readers a few tips on what to do when your woman becomes emotional.
How to respond when your woman becomes emotional
I often hear guys make excuses. “I can’t respond the way she wants. I’m not wired like that!” Again, this is not about how you’re wired, it’s about how you were raised. You can learn how to respond when your woman becomes emotional. It’s not rocket science. Let’s break it down to 5 simple steps.
Start by normalizing her crying
You must start by normalizing crying. It is simply an emotional response that needs a release point.

A 16 year old client plops on my couch, noticeably angry. He informs me that his parents tried to do an “intervention” on him after a discovery of weed in his bedroom.

He concluded the episode by saying, “The intervention was a waste of my time.”

Then he looks me straight in the eye and says, “When I have kids, I’m not going to raise them like my parents do.”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“They should’ve kicked my ass along time ago.”

“Are you saying they should have hit you?” I ask.

“No, I mean they never took control, never enforced the rules. When I have kids I’m going to enforce consequences.”

There you have it, straight from a teen’s mouth. He’s not the first kid, nor the last who told me they wish their parents were more strict.

Follow through on consequences ranks high on the mistakes parents make in shaping respectful behavior in their kids. It seems both parents and teens agree it’s important.

Neither of them like the act. Parents don’t like delivering consequences. Kids don’t like receiving them. Yet again, they both know enforced consequences are important in parenting.
#1: Remember enforcing consequences is in the best interest of your kids
Basic rules that govern respect in the home establish security and harmony. Consequences for misbehavior serve to promote positive behavior.

Kids want parents to lead. They want us to model love and respect. Kids also want parents to make the home safe and loving.

Throughout their development toward independence, kids will test rules. If parents don’t enforce consequences on a consistent basis, their leadership in the home is compromised. Kids will take control over their parents with demanding and disrespectful behavior.

This is not in the best interest of your kids. Love and limits is what they need.
#2: Get over your fear and get a grip on your guilt
Fear of damaging kids’ self-identity is common among parents. They also worry their kids won’t like them. This is irrational fear. If you want fear to be a motivator, imagine what your kid will be like if you don’t enforce consequences. That’s pretty scary. Just ask my 16 year-old client!

Guilt is another emotion that gets in the way. In dual career homes, parents often feel guilty they are not spending enough time with their kids. They want quality time to connect. They don’t want to be doling out consequences.

Parents today over-focus on giving their kids what they need to engage in sports or the arts, etc… They avoid giving their kids what they need to shape appropriate behavior. Because kids are accustomed to instant gratification, the power struggle over consequences is a battle weary parents tend to avoid.

To be an effective parent, get over fear and guilt. This cannot drive your parenting style. It impedes your child’s development. Remember what is in the best interest of your child: love and limits. If they cross the line by breaking a rule, it’s time for you to step in and enforce a consequence.
#3: Keep calm in your delivery of consequences
Emotions like fear, guilt or anger can amp up on you real quick when your kid misbehaves or challenges you. This is a time to manage emotional intensity. Get a grip on your emotions. Go calm.

Think about work or other social environment when an intense situation required a cool head to deal with it. You know how to do this. Now, replicate the technique at home.

Take deep breaths.
Mentally rehearse – “Consequences are in my child’s best interest.”
Think about how to deliver it swiftly and respectfully.

#4: Avoid getting into a debate over the consequences
Children begin exhibiting oppositional behavior in todd...

About 3 years ago an unmasking happened that rocked marriages. Someone hacked into Ashley Madison’s 37 million subscriber database exposing the identities of individuals seeking an affair.

AM’s motto: “Life is short. Have an affair.”

Karma struck. The business had a short shelf life. Beyond the breach, AM allegedly used fembots to interact with many male clients.

Sadly, life is indeed short for some who were exposed.

* A few committed suicide.
* Marriages and families were torn apart by the Ashley Madison revelation.
* Even the owner, Noel Biderman  was discovered to have multiple affairs.

If you have been wounded by the exposure of an affair, my heart goes out to you.

Ashley Madison’s advice: life is short, have an affair sounds rather hollow now doesn’t it? The reality is, life is hard after an affair.

May I offer some sound advice from my work with individuals or couples rocked by the discovery of an affair?

Here are 5 things to consider before you enter an affair.
#1: The Adventure Is Not Worth The Risk
The sense of intrigue and adventure is a lure for individuals whose relationships are lackluster. Attention from a coworker, neighbor, Facebook friend, a bartender or Starbucks Barista may be all it takes.

Sexual attraction activates powerful sensual receptors in the brain. The rational part of the brain is in danger of being hijacked by the sexual impulses. Herein lays the risk.

No matter what you do to keep the adventure covert, a risk of exposure always exists. The damage following discovery is heavy.

* People you care about are hurt.
* Reputation is ruined.
* Future is bleak.
* Life is hard for everyone impacted

Knowing this, ask yourself this question? Is the adventure worth the risk?
#2: Hiding An Affair Is Not As Easy As It Seems
Ask the millions of subscribers to Ashley Madison! Nor is it easy for anyone else. Some people get careless in affairs. Phone records provide evidence, as do text messages, emails, or other forms of social media.

Subtle changes in behavior, allocation of time, or other nuances can signal something to a spouse or partner. There is also the risk of the affair partner getting caught by being careless.

Before long, the thrill of adventure shifts to a tone of anxiety about potential exposure and the ramifications that follow. Managing an affair under the threatening cloud of exposure is not easy.

It’s like living in an inter dimensional reality.

* You live in one primary world with a set of expectations.
* You escape into another world with developing set of expectations the longer you are in it.

The affair is no longer an escape from reality. It is a reality with a new set of problems.
#3: You may compromise core values
I use the word “may” here because not all people value monogamy in marriage. Some people do not consider it a violation of marital vows to seek sex outside marriage.

Be that as it may, the majority of couples value monogamy and consider it a grave offense to discover a partner involved in an affair. Values of fidelity, honesty, and integrity meld relationships in a sacred bond that ensures security.

Advancing an affair may take you into territory you know goes against your core values. You will likely be wrapped up in an internal battle of self-gratification and guilt. You are not congruent in your beliefs and actions. No matter what you do to justify your actions, a simple glance in the mirror signals you that you have lost your way.
#4: A Safer Approach is to Confront The Problems In Your Marriage
In my work with couples,

One of the issues Marian and I deal with from time-to-time is our big buts. No matter what we do to disguise them, our big buts have caused some problems. I mean, there have been times my big but has squashed my wife! Not good. She’s done the same thing to me too! It’s gets so bad, we find ourselves looking in the mirror to see what we can do to shrink them.

Does your big but squash your partner?

Here are a few big but squashing maneuvers I see in couple relationships.

* I hear what you’re saying, but…
* You have a point but…
* That might be true but…
* Yeah, but…
* I agree with you, but…

Did you know your big but can squash your partner? I see it all the time in my counseling/coaching profession. Sometimes I see it in the look in Marian’s eyes. I realize I just squashed her.

Do you recognize it in your spouse? It is the look of disappointment or hurt that squashes your partner after she/he says something important that you negate with your big but.

The good news is you can shrink your big but! No joke. You can gain control over how you respond to your mate.  Check out these 5 exercises you can do to stop your big but from squashing your partner.
Slow down your brain
Very often in a conversation with a spouse, we have a tendency to assume. Assumptions can lead you down a wrong path. I don’t care how well you think you know your mate, listening through a filter of assumptions will get you into trouble almost every time.

I recommend you slow your brain down and simply focus on your partner. You can do this by taking a few deep breaths. This will lower stress and defensive mechanisms.

Next, quietly remind yourself to be patient and give consideration to your spouse’s right to be heard. Look her/him in the eye as a show of respect. This act in and of itself will disarm any tension that may be present.
Activate your ears
Ears that understand are important in a quality conversation.  You have to activate them to listen. I don’t mean hear. I mean listen. Hearing is sound. Listening is concentrating with the intent to understand.

Activate your ears with a question. “What is my spouse/partner trying to say to me?”

Pay attention to thoughts and feelings. This is the subjective experience or view your spouse brings to you. This is important stuff!

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Open your mind
Remember what I said earlier about assuming? Opening your mind keeps assumptions from leading you down a wrong path.

So often I observe couples heading down a rabbit trail because a spouse used a filter of assumption to listen. This can derail conversation rather quickly.

I suggest you open your mind to consider what your mate is saying from his/her perspective. You do this by reflecting on the thoughts and feelings shared. Listen closely and think with an open mind.
Measure your words
This is when you finally respond to your partner. You do not want to expose your big but! Trust me, it will squash her/him.

Instead, you want to measure your words with a technique in communication called “validation”. You can learn more about validation in my previous blog. Validation is an “extended play” of conveying understanding to your mate.

When I was a kid, songs had two versions. One was “short play”, the other, an “extended play” was longer. I recommend an extended play when you validate your spouse.

Are you a power couple? Do you even know what that question means?

Hollywood carefully crafted it’s definition featuring their poster couple, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, until they broke up. Currently, Tom Brady (football) and Gisele Bünchen (fashion) rank high among power couples.

If you want to toss politics in the mix, a power couple whose ambition was to share presidential fame, Bill and Hilary Clinton fit the bill. Hilary lost in 2016 to Donald Trump. His daughter Ivanka and husband Jared Kushner are considered a power couple in business, and more recently politics.

So, before you attempt to answer the question, let’s see how dictionaries define a power couple.

First, the Oxford Dictionary:
A couple consisting of two people who are each influential or successful in their own right.
Second, the Urban Dictionary:
A relationship between two people who are equally as cool as each other.
Do either of these definitions fit your imagery of a power couple?

In my practice, I work with couples who fit the definitions above. They are movers and shakers in their respective professions. And yes, they are equally cool as each other! But does this make them a power couple at home where it really counts?

Power dynamics in couple relationships is a fascinating study. I educate couples on the flow of power, including the importance of regulating it in marriage. Healthy couples respect the flow of power in their relationship.

Here are my 5 habits of a power couple. As you read, ask yourself, “Do we possess this habit in our relationship?”

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Habit #1: Power couples respect each other’s right to speak and be understood
You have a voice. So does your mate. Do you make the effort to really listen to each other? Power couples do. They will slow down important conversations to give equal opportunity to speak and be heard. Listening to understand regulates the flow of power. They are not quick to add, “yeah but…”. Instead, a curiosity question may follow–“What do you need me to understand right now?” The interaction slows to a pace that promotes self-expression, an act of mutual respect.
Habit #2: Power couples give each other space to grow
Personal growth is a lifelong process. You need to establish space in your relationship to foster this. Power couples balance independence with interdependence. They support each other’s interest in personal pursuits: exercise, hobbies, friendships, and educational interests, to name a few. Yet, they also work diligently to meet the needs of the relationship. Again, it is a balance they strive to maintain, so they talk about it regularly.
Habit #3: Power couples influence each other carefully
“You complete me” was Jerry Maguire’s declaration to his estranged wife Dorothy. She brought something to their marriage he did not possess on his own. Power couples get this. They acknowledge the unique qualities, intelligence, and experience each other brings to the relationship. Furthermore, they allow this power to flow as a form of influence that improves the quality of life together.

Think about it. Each of you brings something unique to your relationship. Once Marian and I understood this, we opened up to what each other brings to our marriage. I admire her intuition. She values my reasoning capabilities.
Habit #4: Power couples regulate the temperature of their relationship
Relationships have an internal thermostat that regulates temperature. Power couples adjust the temperature according to the immediate need. If they are in a passionate mood they may heat things up. When an argument builds,

Are you worried about your kids’ obsession with their smart phone? Do you know what social media platforms they spend time on? Are you noticing any mood, emotional, or behavior signs that indicate they seem unhappy?

A few days ago I read an oped in USA Today from a doctor who wrote about a disturbing increase in female adolescent patients cutting (a form of self-mutilation).

While it saddened me, I wasn’t surprised. Recent research in mental health indicates an increase in mental health problems among children and adolescents.
Mental health problems among adolescents is increasing at an alarming rate!
While a decrease in some at-risk behaviors is associated with adolescent use of social media, an increase in mental illness is particularly concerning. Here are some findings in a couple of articles on the subject.

Psychology Today – It’s Complicated: Teens, Social Media and Mental Health (Sept 2017), Erin & David Walsh – Smart Parenting, Smarter Kids

Heaviest social media users experience the greatest amount of anxiety (FOMO – fear of missing out)
Young people report social media (sm) helps them feel connected with family and friends.
One out of five teens feel worse about their life based on what they see on social media.
Passive scanning of people who appear happy or successful can increase feelings of loneliness, depression, and anxiety.

Child Mind Institute – Smartphones and Social Media

Teens/young adults 16-24 yrs old are the most intense users of social media (90% use internet for social networking).
Overuse has negative impact on self-esteem, life satisfaction, and increases mental health problems (anxiety, depression, suicidality).
“Likes” activate the brain’s reward system.
Social media has resulted in a decrease in risky behaviors (drinking, illicit drug use, car accidents, teen birth rates).
Less than an hour of gaming can have positive mental health effects.
8th graders who spend 10 or more hours a week on sm are 56% more likely to report being unhappy, than those who spend less time.
Heavy users of sm increase their risk of depression by 27%.
YouTube is viewed as a positive force, but Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram increase feelings of anxiety as reported by teens.
Lack of sleep due to late night sm engagement has effect on mental health:

Lack of sleep negatively affects, mood, ability to regulate emotions, cognitive processing, ability to react or get along with adults.
Teens who do not sleep enough are more than twice likely to report higher levels of depression (31% vs 12%)
Teens who sleep less than 7 hours a night are also 68% more likely to have at least one risk for suicide.


Negative impact of social media in girls vs boys

22% of girls vs 10% of boys reported being cyberbullied in the last year.
Boys depression increased by 21% vs girls 50% between 2012-2015*



*Note in particular how social media has a greater negative effect on girls versus boys.
Mental health begins in the home
Let’s examine how you can foster mental health in your family.
#1: Take time an reflect on the positive and negative effect electronic devices are having in your family
What are some positive uses of electronic devices in your family? Do any of these apply?

Helps us to stay connected and/or communicate during the day.
Ability to monitor the kids whereabouts.
Marking moments of shared family experiences.

Now, what about the negative effect? Notice any of these patterns?

Devices become a barrier to connect when we are at home together.

Do you want to get at the heart of the problem why couples struggle? Let’s figure it out and see if we can find a way to help couples soar.

Ask the average couple the question, “Why does your marriage struggle?” You might hear…

“We don’t know how to communicate”

“It seems we fight all the time”

“We never spend time together”

“When we do talk we can’t agree on anything”

“We don’t have romance”

These answers seem plausible, but perhaps they are symptoms of a deeper problem. So, let’s get to the heart of the matter okay?

You see, your heart matters. So does your mate. Some couples lose sight of taking care of each other’s heart.

Think back to when you fell in love. Perhaps like others, you felt a strong romantic connection. You had a lot of fun and could talk for hours. The bond you shared met a basic human need identified for love and belonging

Marriages struggle when couples stop caring for each other’s heart. Neglect is a subtle pattern that forms early in relationships once couples get involved in the tasks of raising a family. A marriage cannot tolerate this too long before other patterns emerge.

Conflict, emotional distancing, and over-focusing on work, kids and household tasks can push couples further apart. Once a safe haven, marriage feels more like a battleground.

The longer couples go without tending to the heart of the marriage, the more they struggle with each other.

To break this pattern, it is important to get back to the heart of the problem. You must come together and tend to the heart of the marriage. Here are 3 simple ways you can do this.
Tune into the heart of your spouse
When you’re struggling in marriage it is easy to complain about your spouse. You may have compiled a list of complaints and feel justifiably distant. But where does that get you?

Do you know what is going on in the heart of your mate? It could be one or more of the following:

Worries about one of the kids
Pressures on the job
Aging parent
Health concerns
Disappointments in friendship

In order to “tune in” you have to “tune out” whatever else is going on in the moment.

Put down the cell phone
Let your guard down and listen
Try your best to understand
Validate
Give a word of affirmation or compliment
Do something thoughtful or caring (card, gift massage, draw a bath, etc…)

“When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.” Mark Twain
Open up your heart to your spouse
This is something women find easier to do than men. Be that as it may, it is important for both partners to work on.

Guys often compartmentalize problems and do not think about opening up. Men don’t want to burden a spouse. Some think it is a sign of weakness and should be able to solve problems on their own.

Men fail to understand that women want them to open up. It’s not a sign of weakness. Opening up your heart is really a strength in the eyes of most women.

One of our biggest struggles is not knowing what to do with our emotions so men tend to suppress them. The problem is they leak out in other ways.

A spouse will be less critical or make wrong assumptions when they get a sense of what is really going on in your heart. They are likely to be more compassionate and supportive if they understand what you’re going through.
Tend to the heart of the marriage in simple ways
Think in terms of three hearts: yours, your spouse’s, and your marriage. Both of you bear the responsibility of caring for the heart of your marriage.

Heidi lays alone in her bed completely exhausted. Her pillow drenched in tears. Curled up in a fetal position, she whispers, “I’m tired of being taken advantage of by people I care for.”

The consummate giver, Heidi goes the extra mile in her marriage, with her kids, and for her boss. What does she get in return? More requests, demands, and complaints, with little appreciation or support.

Years of this pattern has taken a toll. Heidi feels disrespected by the people she relies on for support. Resentment builds. So does feelings of loneliness and a wish to escape.

Heidi is vulnerable.

Enter Tom, a guy she met at spin class. He is impressed by Heidi’s aggressive workout and commitment to give her best. Heidi likes the attention and positive comments, something her husband Kevin doesn’t give.

Conversations over coffee, lead to lunch, and eventually to a brief affair. It ended when Tom lost interest.

Lying in bed, Heidi ponders how she ended up here. Empty. Lost. Disconnected from herself, she wonders, “How did I lose my self-respect?”

Was it the affair? Probably not. I’d say it began long before when Heidi lost connection with herself.

A disconnect with yourself is a telltale sign you lack self-respect. Life out-of-balance. Perhaps, like Heidi you have not tended to your own needs. Nor have you been clear setting limits with others.

Respect from others begins with self-respect. Here are four ways you can maintain self-respect in your relationships.

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#1: Establish time to take care of yourself
Heidi spent all of her time taking care of others. She spared very little time for herself. Consequently, her tank was half-full. No wonder she was stressed out and exhausted most days. Later, when she finally started working out, Heidi was way out-of-balance.

To maintain self-respect in your relationships it is important that you take care of yourself. It’s time to invest in you.

Doing things that fill your tank is self-gratifying. It increases a positive mental attitude and brings the best version of yourself to others.
#2: Set boundaries with others
When it came to setting boundaries with others, Heidi struggled in two areas. First, she was not firm in her expectations of others. Secondly, Heidi tolerated disrespect.

If you are taking good care of yourself it is easier to set boundaries with others. Self-respect is a disposition that commands respect. People become alert to your power.

How? It happens when you use your voice. I’m referring to being assertive in a respectful but firm manner on how you expect to be treated.

“No” is a good boundary to start using. A polite, firm “no” is your way of saying to people that you have limits.
#3: Find a place where you have freedom to express yourself
Heidi did not find a place where she could be free from expectations of others. She needed a place to find her voice, a place to express herself. Later, she found it by seeking counseling.

I find my place in some unlikely forms. For example, I belong to a group of fellow business owners who meet monthly to support each other in our personal and professional lives. I can open up and be vulnerable with a group of men who listen and support.

This may sound weird, but I also find the basketball court to be a place of freedom. I enjoy the challenge of competition and the banter I share with the guys. On the court I can be comical and motivational. I can also hold my ground with the alphas in the group.

Do you have a place to feel free just to be yourself? If not,

When I was a kid, I remember exchanging cards with classmates on Valentines Day. Everyone was your valentine!

Later, when I fell in love and got married, I felt pressure like other guys to use this occasion express my heartfelt love and devotion.

I remember the painstaking process choosing the perfect Hallmark card. Then there was flowers, chocolate, and dinner at a nice restaurant.

Valentines Day can add to the pressure some couples already feel about their relationship. Couples living hectic lives mistakenly hope this day will magically jumpstart dormant romance. This “quick fix” attempt may last a few days, but there is a better approach.

Cultivating like-minded love.

The concept of like-minded love comes from my spiritual values. To set the table, let me share a passage that shapes my view on how to cultivate like-minded love with my wife, Marian.
Philippians 2:1-5 NIV
If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.

The love identified in this passage is unconditional. It’s a love given freely. A choice to love not based on conditions—“If you do this…or meet my expectations…then I will give you my love.”

Unconditional love is within the nature of God. It has no pre-conditions. This love is consistent even when we feel we don’t deserve it because of our actions.

Unconditional love sees our blemishes but looks deeper within and finds intrinsic goodness trapped by shame.

According to the passage, the effect of unconditional love is transformation. Self-worth blossoms. The recipient is petitioned to express unconditional love to others. 
How to Cultivate Like-minded Love
Before I begin, let me clarify. The ideas I share come from my Christian orientation. Spirituality plays a powerful role in how I cultivate like-minded love in my marriage.
Allow God’s unconditional love into your life
You cannot give to your mate what you haven’t experienced yourself. God’s unconditional love forgives our failings. His love is tender and compassionate.

With God’s unconditional love, you can love others.

I encourage you to explore your spirituality. Embrace unconditional love, grace, and tenderness—all elements of a personal relationship.
Approach your relationship with like-minded love
Give from your spiritual experience. Work on expressing unconditional love.

Your spouse has faults just like you do. Your spouse also has goodness you can admire too!

Expressing grace when imperfections surface is benevolent. A critical and judgmental attitude is unloving. 

Unconditional love toward a spouse is more likely to foster an openness to grow.
Develop an attitude of humility toward each other
Notice a warning in the passage against “selfish ambition and vain conceit”.  This power-up disposition contradicts unconditional love. 

Like-minded love says “consider others better than yourself”.  What happens when both spouses take a power-down position?

You have mutual care.

Pride and fear are two major forces I observe that keep couples bound in polarized negativity. Conflict is expressed as a “he vs she” problem. “He never…” “She always…”

Sometimes life can feel robotic. We get up every morning following the same script from the day before.

Pressures of maintaining a household compounded by work demands seem to fill every waking hour. Days, weeks, months, and years are logged as events in the calendar, not experiences shared in the story of my amazing life.

For many, their story can seem like it’s been co-opted by others. You lost control of the narrative. Instead it feels like your spouse, kids, boss, or other people write your script.

One may wonder, “Do I have control over the narrative of my life?”

Now, that’s an important question.

Or another way to ask it…

“Do I own the pen? Or, have I left it for others to write my story?”

To live a meaningful life you have to control the narrative. Here are some things to keep in mind to become the storyteller of your amazing life.
#1: Be the author of your story
You own the pen. The blank pages are for you to fill. 

Free will is about being self-directive. It’s the essence of what it means to be the author.

Your story will include contributing authors. These are likely key people with whom you share life. Their presence can draw you out and shape your narrative in some meaningful way.

When you marry and have a family you will co-author these chapters with your spouse. This is a collaborated story. If you delegate the story to your spouse to write, you will lose control of your narrative and you act out the story he/she has scripted for you.

Never give your pen away.

Your story contains chapters of experiences and decisions you make that express who you are and describe how you choose to live. This includes roles as spouse, parent, professional, sibling, or friend.
#2: Your story will include events you didn’t plan
Human life has a natural progression. You’re born, you grow old, then you die. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always follow a straight path.

People die early, disasters, hardship or some other difficult event happens in the course of life. You have no control over events. You cannot foresee what’s coming to avoid it or prevent it from happening. You simply have to deal with it.

When unplanned events happen, especially ones that cause suffering or alter the course of life, you can feel a loss of control.

* A parent dies when you’re young.
* A child is born with a disability.
* Your home burns to the ground in a wildfire.

Do not put away your pen. Chronicle your experience. Do not allow yourself to be defined by it.

Hardship is a chapter, not the entire book.
#3: You control the narrative of difficult events
You may not be able to control what happens to you, but you can decide how you interpret it.

For example, let’s say you experience the loss of a loved one at an early age. If you are defined by the event you might say, “I cannot allow myself to get close to people or they will leave me.” This narrative is a story of distant relationships and a failure to establish intimacy.

An alternative narrative might be. “No guarantees for a long life, so I will make the best of my relationships while they last.” This story is one filled with close, meaningful relationships.

A dark event can produce a multiple chapters of a disillusioned life. Or, it can result in chapters of recovery, meaning, and purpose.

I witness couples recover from the hardship of adultery to co-author a narrative of forgiveness, restoration, and renewal of intimacy.

Additionally, I see individuals escape from an abusive marriage. The horror of their story followed by  chapters of survival, healing,