When it comes to expectations about married life this is a question in the minds of most partners. “What do you expect from me?”

Have you asked this of each other? And—have you taken time to unpack your expectations about spending life together?

You might be surprised at how many couples don’t take sufficient time to tackle the myriad of questions surrounding marriage and raising a family. A mutual discussion about topics like:

* How do you envision your role in our marriage?
* What about the division of labor when it comes to responsibilities?
* Do you want kids? If so, how many? When do you want to start?
* How do you see us keeping our marriage a priority?
* What are your views about extended family relationships and how to blend our expectations about traditions, holidays, family get togethers, etc…
* What are you thoughts about how to manage finances?

If you want to get started on the right foot together then get into the habit of discussing expectations. Here’s why.

Talking about expectations is important in the beginning and throughout marriage

Marriage, like life, does not follow a linear path. While you may envision your marriage, life events will occur that you are unable to factor in right now. The vows you make when you get married prepare you for “good times and bad, in sickness and health, etc…”. 

Setting expectations together help you define how to live together. It also increases the probability that you will have what you want as a couple. Why? Because when you clarify your expectations, you will work hard together to achieve them.

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When new events happen, for example a job relocation, you will be able to navigate decisions more effectively because you have developed the skill of communicating your expectations with each other.

The list of expectation questions above is a good place to start if you haven’t already begun to talk together. Keep in mind that expectation conversations are important to have throughout married life. Needs change, thus expectations change as well. 

There are three types of expectations to address:

* Personal expectations – what I want you to know about me
* Relational expectations – how we will connect as a couple
* Transactional expectations – how we will function as a couple

Let’s take a closer look at these.
Personal expectations: what I want you to know about me
Do you know what you envision for your life? Not that you need to have it all figured out, but can you describe the larger brushstrokes?

Being clear with each other about who you are and what you want in life is very important. Why? Knowing what to expect about your mate’s personal interests and life ambitions help you know how to support each other. Furthermore, it will help guide couple decisions so that both of you can live fulfilling lives.

Couples who have ongoing conversations about personal expectations avoid future conflicts. They are more equipped to accommodate the aspirations each bring into the marriage. By doing this each partner feels respect and support.
Relational Expectations: how we will connect as a couple
What do you expect your marriage to look like? How will you be as a couple?

This gets into talking about your connection as a couple. Being clear with your partner about how to be toward each other is important.

A major problem with married couples is putting their relationship on the back burner after they start having kids. Unhealthy relational patterns quickly form and cause problems for the couple.