What if the key to lasting love isn't chemistry or compatibility—but conscious engineering?
In this episode, Madden sits down with relationship coach Scott Wild, whose background as a software engineer gives him a radically different lens on relationships. Scott helps us understand how to build partnerships that don't just survive—they actually thrive through intentional design.
EPISODE TIMELINE:
- 00:00 - Introduction: Why this episode is for everyone—single or partnered
- 02:15 - Meet Scott Wild: From software engineering to relationship coaching
- 05:30 - The shift from control to trust in relationships
- 08:45 - Learning relational skills through authentic relating
- 12:20 - Being direct without being "bitchy"—holding boundaries without fire
- 16:40 - Using chess strategy to improve relationship patterns
- 19:30 - Why sustainability matters from day one of dating
- 23:15 - The "it's fine" trap and the recipe for resentment
- 27:45 - Doing things for yourself vs. for your partner
- 31:20 - Conscious conversations and meta-awareness in relationships
- 35:10 - Codependency vs. having alternative paths
- 38:50 - What "opt-in" relationships really mean
- 42:30 - Defining intimacy as revealing (heart, hurt, or play)
- 46:15 - Sovereignty and the balance with intimacy
- 48:40 - The pattern of psychologizing your partner
- 50:15 - Final advice: Drop the impressing energy and notice where you need something
IN THIS EPISODE WE EXPLORE:
- Why controlling relationships come from anxiety (and how to shift from control to trust)
- The fine line between being direct and being "bitchy"—and how anger signals you've already crossed your boundary
- Why "it's fine" is actually a red flag for future resentment
- How to avoid codependency by always having an alternative path
- What it means to build an "opt-in" relationship (and why labels can create false security)
- The difference between intimacy and vulnerability—and how to bring the right amount of each
- Why sovereignty (being good on your own) is the foundation of secure attachment
- The pattern of "psychologizing" your partner—and why it's actually about control, not caring
- How to date sustainably from the very beginning
"Intimacy is the revealing of my heart, my hurt, or my play. That's the thing that people actually love—you want to feel someone playing, you want to feel what's true for somebody. Pure intimacy is like a gift, just an offering." - Scott Wild
CONNECT WITH SCOTT:
Scott Wild is a relationship coach who helps people build strong, lasting partnerships filled with trust and connection. He has expressed as a software engineer, manager, professional athlete, facilitator, and a decade as a practitioner of ethical polyamory, giving him a diverse perspective to share. Scott has spent years guiding people through relational intelligence practices and supporting them in creating healthier, more fulfilling romantic lives. He lives in Austin, Texas with his wife and two young children.
Scott's Instagram: @scottsolowild
Free Discovery Call to improve your relationship: scottsolowild.com
CONNECT WITH MADDEN:
Madden's Instagram: @maddenzappa
IMPORTANT PODCAST LINKS:
Submit YOUR dating stories and question: Date Differently Diaries (completely anonymous)
Monthly Date Giveaways: Date Differently Drop
