Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: - Even though I'm faithful to my husband, and love him dearly, I lust and fantasize and my maladaptive daydreaming is out of control. How do I navigate these waters? Is this past trauma and my need for control? Where do I start with healing? - I stopped my own porn use three years ago after finding out about my husband’s addiction, but I never really addressed it or worked through it — I just buried it. What steps should I take now to deal with the patterns and wounds that may still be affecting my mental health and my relationship with him? - Why do I want to masturbate after being hurt by my husband? Do I have an addiction or is it a hurt cycle I am going through? Is it because he hurt me and I don't want to have sex with him and am trying to get my own needs met? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: - How do I not hate or resent my husband when I grieve the inability to try to have more children because we have a sexless marriage due to the trauma of his addiction? - Can you speak to sexual anorexia after betrayal? It's been 5 years since my husband and I have had sex. He thinks I should be willing to try, but I recoil every time he touches me. I can barely kiss him. I've been through B&B three times (as a leader twice). He has been through Seven Pillars five times, and has been a leader for 4 or 5  years. I discovered his betrayal in 2013. - My husband is well on his way to recovery and I am so grateful for all his work, but I’m realizing I need more help myself. Now that he has made me the desires of his sexual pleasure, I find that I am more cautious and suspicious of his sexual advances. I’m always analytical about where his needs are coming from. What should I do? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: - I’ve felt the harm of purity culture, but I’m confused by the reaction against it—where modesty seems dismissed altogether. I see Christian women dressing in ways that feel extreme, and I wonder if immodesty reflects deeper heart issues. Is there still space to talk about healthy modesty without sounding judgmental? - I was told having expectations is wrong, but I disagree. I don’t expect perfection—just honesty, fidelity, empathy, and repentance without blame. My husband says I expect too much, but aren’t these just the basics of a healthy marriage? Where’s the line between reasonable expectations and unrealistic standards? - My husband and I have been in recovery for years. I’m the higher drive spouse, wanting intimacy more often, but I’ve stopped initiating because I feel rejected or like a burden. When he finally is in the mood, I freeze and feel disconnected—even when it’s genuine. Why do I shut down in the moments I actually crave most? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: - I was married for 30 years and I didn’t understand the depth of my husband’s porn addiction until about 8 years ago. He refused to seek help and he recently passed away, so I am doing this recovery alone. About 9 months ago, I found him at his place of business, deceased, in front of his computer masturbating to porn. I have signed up for Betrayal & Beyond. I am wondering if my situation is unique and if this group has anything that touches on my particular trauma? - Eighteen months ago, I learned my husband had a two-year affair—with a woman I considered a close friend. We’re healing, and I’ve forgiven him, but I can’t move past her betrayal. Why aren’t there more resources on forgiving and healing from infidelity when the other woman was also a trusted friend? - My husband has not been officially tested, but we wonder if he is high functioning autistic. In what ways does neurodiversity affect the addict's healing process? Are there practical ways to modify or approach support if this is part of the picture? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: - I am single right now, but every time I get in the shower I think about when I get married and if my husband will want to take a shower with me. I don't want my husband in the shower. So how would I tell him no without hurting him? - I'm a follower of Christ. I was sexually abused several times as a child, I struggled with same-sex attraction most of my life, and I am still single. How do I engage my sexual desires at this stage in a healthy way, knowing that I want to honor God above all? - I am 47 years old and single. I’m having a lot of anxiety about the idea of having sex when I’m married. I want to be married, but I’m afraid sex will hurt, I won’t know how to act, and I don’t even want to have an orgasm. How do I handle all of these thoughts and fears? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: - After 9 years of repeated porn discoveries in my marriage, we're now heading into an intensive with a polygraph. It’s our first time using one, and I feel lost on what to ask. What questions truly bring clarity and healing? What are the top questions a betrayed spouse should ask when preparing for a polygraph? - After years of betrayal, broken promises, and failed recovery attempts, I separated from my husband and began the divorce process. Now he says he wants to reconcile—but I still see addiction, denial, and little change. I love him, but I feel unseen, blamed, and unsafe. Am I holding onto hope, or just delaying the inevitable? - We’ve been in recovery since 2013 with every tool imaginable, yet my husband never stays sober longer than three months. I carry the emotional weight, manage our home and kids, and suffer the consequences of his choices. I'm exhausted, angry, and feel stuck. I want to leave. Why am I the one paying for his addiction and failures? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: My husband and I have been in recovery through PD since late 2024, navigating sobriety, betrayal trauma, and rebuilding intimacy. While I’m seeking emotional safety, he reacts with blame when having sex is paused. I’m craving emotional connection before sex, not withholding love. Am I in the wrong to not have physical intimacy until I feel safe? How can healing happen when emotional safety feels out of reach? I feel frustrated by my husband's lack of romance after betrayal. If he pursued me once, why not now—especially after I've chosen to forgive him? I was the one hurt, so why am I still waiting to be pursued? Will he ever learn? My husband watches women as they walk by, and when called out about it, he lied. Though he later admitted lying about it, I was told this was growth. I’m also encouraged to “reframe” his behavior as him choosing me—but that feels like spiritual bypassing. Am I reframing, or just gaslighting myself to cope with pain? Any insights would be helpful. If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: - I find myself constantly chasing relationships, even unhealthy ones, just so I don’t feel alone. I know it’s not good for me, but the fear of being without someone feels unbearable. How do I start breaking free from this cycle of needing to be wanted? - When I’m in a relationship, I have obsessive thoughts that I can’t shut off. I wait by my phone for my boyfriend to respond, and I want to be texting him all of the time. But when I’m in person with him, I find myself almost sabotaging the relationship and feeling uncomfortable if things feel like they are getting serious or deep. - I relapsed with a guy last weekend, and now I feel like I have no right to share the gospel or be a witness to others. I feel ashamed, afraid, and hopeless. If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: - My husband and I are a few months into recovery after he disclosed years of hidden porn use. While he believes he’s walking in victory, I’m unsure how to distinguish true healing from another “purge” phase, given his past cycle. With new safeguards in place, how can I know if real heart change is happening—not just behavioral control? - I’m healing from betrayal in my marriage and making real progress, but I struggle deeply with attending church. Knowing how widespread porn use is—and seeing how the church often stays silent—leaves me angry and grieving. My husband’s unchecked sin in leadership broke my trust in the church. How do I reconnect with a spiritual community that now feels unsafe? - My husband has been in recovery from porn addiction for nearly three years and has faithfully attended a support group for over a decade. Now he feels ready to step back, saying he no longer needs it and wants more time with our family. While I understand, the idea of him not being in a group makes me uneasy. How do I know it’s truly safe for him to stop? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: - I just finished Sexual Integrity 101 and want to join Betrayal & Beyond. There are no local groups and a 10-month virtual commitment feels impossible. My husband, a former pastor, abandoned me and our four kids after a devastating affair. I’m doing the work alone while he moves on. I feel forgotten. How do I heal when reconciliation isn’t an option? How do I help my kids heal when I feel so broken? - My husband has struggled with same-sex attraction and sexual acting out throughout our 30+ year marriage. Despite counseling and periods of change, he’s continued hiding his behavior. We've had almost no intimacy, and I’ve found overwhelming proof of his ongoing actions. I’m pursuing divorce, but I wonder—am I wrong to believe SSA is a separate issue that truly needs addressing? - We just went through disclosure. My husband confessed to fantasizing and masturbating to images of my best friends, my sister, and several women I know. My best friend whom he has had the most fantasy about is someone I do everything with. Our kids are best friends, our families do everything together, and now I am at a loss. Throughout this process my friends have been such a big support system and now I can't even share with them. Are these types of fantasies normal? I clearly can't trust him with the women who are closest to me. If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: - My husband makes me feel small and unwanted. I started fantasizing about the characters in one of my favorite shows. I find myself wishing I were married to a man like that. Whenever I’m not watching my show, I hate my reality and life, but I also do not want to get divorced. What should I do? - How do I know if my struggle is just about sex, or if it's actually about something deeper, like needing love or validation? - I’ve tried everything! I confess, read my Bible, have accountability software, pray without ceasing … can I ever break free from my porn addiction? Why do I keep going back to porn, even when I feel disgusted with myself afterward? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: - I’m reentering dating after ending a relationship with a man who had unresolved pornography struggles and resisted accountability. Now seeking a God-honoring, healthy marriage, I’m wondering how to graciously approach conversations about sexual history and porn use when dating. What level of recovery should be present before considering a relationship safe and spiritually healthy? - My question is about dating someone who has disclosed that he has a porn and masturbation addiction. We are older and both divorced. He has been open and honest about it. He’s in counseling and wants victory. Part of me wants to run the other way and sever the relationship; part of me wants to wait and see what happens. Am I delusional to think the relationship could work? - It feels rare to find women who still practice abstinence, even among Christians. Many seem to be sexually active outside of marriage or already have children. With today’s culture and values shifting, especially among attractive women, I wonder—do women who value abstinence and wait for marriage still exist in this day and age? Where are they?

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: My husband confessed to porn, chat rooms, and video calls, but I’ve discovered more he hasn’t admitted. I’m now in a group and writing a Safety Action Plan, but how do you create one when trust is completely broken? If there are consequences, won’t he just hide relapses better? How do I protect myself when honesty feels impossible and I’m afraid to stay—or leave? Since D-Day last August, I’ve learned my husband was unfaithful throughout our 25+ year relationship—porn, affairs, sexting, even acting out on vacations and anniversaries. Though we’re in recovery groups, I feel like my entire life has been a lie. Every memory feels shattered. We haven’t told our friends and family. I feel trapped and alone. How do I move forward when even the good moments are so deeply tainted? Two years into our healing journey, I still struggle to feel safe with the man who betrayed me. Sex feels like sleeping with the enemy, and early on, he got support while I was left traumatized and alone. Disclosure came months after discovery, deepening the pain. I’m starting Betrayal & Beyond soon—how do I begin to feel secure and whole again? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: I grew up in the church and always thought wanting sex, or enjoying it, made me less godly. Now I’m married, and feel so much confusion and guilt about what I should want. How has culture and religion shaped the way I view desire, and how do I know what’s actually true? Every time I try to explore my sexuality, I get hit with this wave of shame, like I’m doing something wrong. I want to be curious without feeling gross or guilty. How can I do that in a way that feels healthy and grounded? I will try to apply the practice of 2 Corinthians 10:5, “Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ,” and do all the right things, but then I end up caving and going out with friends and hooking up with someone. I feel like a crazy person and a fraud. I can’t imagine if my church or family ever found out. Why are biblical truths not working for me? I feel like a terrible Christian because Jesus isn’t enough. Am I even saved? I don’t know how I got here, but I now find myself struggling with porn and masturbation. It started with a TV series a friend recommended that had tons of sex scenes, and somehow led to me seeking out more through pornography. I can’t believe this “man’s struggle” is now something I can’t break free of. How can I tell my husband about my porn use without it blowing up? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: - My husband is making great progress in his recovery, attending group sessions and trauma counseling, but I’m struggling to catch up. I’ve had trouble finding a counselor and don’t have a group, though we both attended an intensive. He sometimes dismisses my concerns, like he did with his mom, and it’s making me hesitant about a trip we have planned. Should I push through and go, or is it okay to honor my feelings and hesitation? - My husband denies being addicted to pornography, despite struggling with it since he was 17. Although he’s made progress, I feel like we’re stuck in a cycle where he’s unable to handle my pain because of his own. We’ve tried counseling, but he often complains, and we can’t seem to talk about past issues without him getting angry or emotionally distant. I’m tired of accommodating without change, and I feel alone in my pain. What can I do to break this cycle and deepen our emotional connection? - My husband is doing well in recovery, but I’m struggling to move forward. It’s been almost three years since d-day, and while he’s committed to change, I can’t shake the fear of being hurt again. I don’t know if I love him anymore and worry that staying might worsen my health. Should I keep trying, or is it time to let go for my own well-being? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: My group was excruciating tonight—hearing others’ victories while I’m drowning in pain felt unbearable. I’m exhausted from picking myself back up after every setback, asking why healing comes easily for some but not for us. I know God has a plan, but it still hurts. What should I do when group becomes too painful—should I push through, even when my heart isn't in it? I have a question for you in regard to rebuilding intimacy and trust. My husband has involved himself in behaviors that I find repulsive. He has apparently spent time at home wearing my under clothes for arousal, he has masturbated and interacted with our cat during those times, and also taken pictures of himself in his boxers on and sends that to hook up sites. I find these activities gross and disgusting—they are triggers to my being intimate with him. How do I overcome this? Last October, my husband confessed to years of porn use, shattering me emotionally and worsening my physical health. Since then, I’ve battled fear, grief, insecurity, and disconnection from myself and my role as a mom. He’s six months sober, but I feel broken and alone without a support group. Will this fear and pain ever pass—and how can I stop living in constant emotional defense? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: In the new edition of Betrayal & Beyond you took out the part about "forgiving yourself." I am happy you did because I don't agree with that concept. I believe in God's forgiveness, but I wonder why you decided to take that part out of the new edition? Each time my husband relapses, I feel completely lost—especially now, four years in, after his first relapse in a long time. The longer the gap, the more painful it is, because I start to feel safe again. Could you create an episode I can return to during a relapse—something grounding, calming, and full of direction when I can't think clearly? I live in a small town with limited support and feel stuck in my healing. After nearly a year of counseling—and no full disclosure—I’m still facing lies and secrecy in my marriage. My husband refuses individual counseling, and our marriage counseling ended. I’ve considered separation or divorce. What resources or next steps would you suggest for someone in my situation, especially regarding boundaries? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you! Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: - As my husband and I walk through recovery—he’s in Seven Pillars, I’m in Betrayal & Beyond—I’m nearing the end of my group and preparing for full disclosure. I wish there were clear resources to help our Christian parents, including my retired pastor father-in-law, understand sex addiction and how to support us. Could you create an episode specifically for parents of adult children in recovery? - I'm navigating a delicate situation with my 16-year-old daughter and a male youth group leader. He has been texting her personal prayers and has crossed boundaries, despite our requests for him to stop. My concern is whether this relationship is appropriate, as it feels like he’s overstepping. We're meeting with him and church leadership soon, and I’m wondering what questions to ask and how to handle this in a God-honoring way. I'm also healing from my own betrayal trauma and struggling with how to approach this situation without letting past wounds cloud my judgment. Would love any advice. - My husband and I are celebrating 25 years in August, but my recovery has been a rollercoaster since discovering his porn addiction 15 months ago. We’ve planned an anniversary trip, but I’m struggling to book it. Part of me thinks it could be healing, but I’m afraid it might end up being a painful reminder. How long into recovery is it safe to take an extended vacation?

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: I’m 26, single, and struggling with porn addiction. While I have filters in place, I’ve turned to sexually explicit romance books as a substitute. It feels less harmful since the characters aren't real, but I know it still impacts me. Can reading these books damage my future relationships, or will marriage truly make the cravings disappear? I'm 46, still single, and always thought I’d be married by now. Over the years, I’ve felt disappointed, but that hasn’t stopped my natural sexual desire. Learning about my body through self-pleasure has helped me grow in confidence and body acceptance. Is it okay to self-pleasure while waiting for a future partner, and can it actually prepare me for a healthy sex life in marriage? I'm in my 40s, and don't struggle with fantasy, however, in the last year I have noticed that I'm struggling with masturbating at specific times of the month. It seems like this is related to hormonal changes. Even though I'm not thinking about anything specific or watching anything inappropriate, I still get filled with shame when I lose the battle. What should I do? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: - During our full disclosure, my husband confessed to having fantasies about my young adult daughter. She is his step-daughter and he did not raise her. He then confessed that he is aroused by most developed females. I suppose my question is this: is there really hope that his arousal template can change and our marriage can survive and thrive? I am scared to stay in this marriage and circle the drain for years. I am scared I will never feel safe around any other females, including my own daughter. - After years of struggling, including a particularly destructive 2023–2024, my husband claims to have maintained five months of sobriety following a brief relapse. Yet he’s not active in a men’s group or recovery program and only recently resumed counseling. Can long-term sobriety truly begin without consistent support, especially after a lifetime of addiction and minimal accountability? - I struggle with unmet expectations after years of addiction and my own enabling. My husband’s emotional affair lasted months, with multiple other women involved. He now says he wants change—for himself—and is more present with our kids. But I’m exhausted doing the work alone while he remains passive in recovery. Am I asking too much to want true partnership and understanding in this healing process?