It’s the final chapter of Eclipse (not counting the epilogue), and Lilia joins G and Shannon for some wedding planning! But first, cry along with Bella. And then cry some more. And some more (Edward is about to be SO fed.) Also featured: Shannon’s new prop and old dad, an in-universe Bella’s Book Club, and Edward’s… slut era?? It’s all here at the all-you-can-slurp tear buffet!
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Sunshine returns from fighting fires to focus on what’s really important: supporting G and Shannon through the breakup in Eclipse chapter 26. But first, a post-mortem recap of Stephenie Meyer’s 9/11 Q&A! Then it’s time for Bible study (dead baby edition), the return of the Fujo Hat, murmurmaxxing, and an absolutely cursed Renesmegg moment. Grab your gavels, because it’s time to dump your side piece in a God-honoring way!
Julie rejoins G and Shannon for a “calorie-dense” Eclipse chapter 25, in which POVs collide and short second lives come to an end! First: listener emails about cats, Twilight dads, and... math?? Next: can Bree survive the horrors of Girl Torture long enough to reveal the shocking truth about Edward? Finally: sit down, strap in, and join the Volturi on their wacky American murder vacation!
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It’s battle time at last, and Lexie returns to help G and Shannon commentate on not one, not two, but THREE fights in Eclipse chapter 25. Also returning? Bella’s holes, just in time to make everyone question whether Jacob is her fluffer. Hearts will break and heads will roll at what is either the sparkliest battle ever or the rave with the most dismemberments per capita! Bonus: the all-new segment Questions for Stephenie (9/11 Edition)!
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It’s episode 69 (nice) and Beth returns just in time for G and Shannon to wish her a happy Father’s Day as they watch this all-Stooge love triangle implode in Eclipse chapter 23. As self-hatred, simping, and romantic power fantasies collide, your hosts must answer the question: is that kiss valid? All that and more as they prescribe Bella antidepressants, debut the Fluttershy Voice, and find horrible new ways for the Renesmegg to haunt the narrative.
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M joins Shannon and G for long-awaited “tentpole episode” on Eclipse chapter 22, and she’s brought a special prop. A werewolf, a vampire, and a human walk into a tent—and there’s only one sleeping bag! Your hosts must survive the homoerotic tension long enough to bring back the Kelseyverse, send Heathcliff to summer camp, and promote Riley from RA to tee-ball coach in a return to Bree Tanner! Which ships will sail and which will (literally) sink in this cucktastic episode?
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Hiking consultant Kacie returns to help Shannon and G read Eclipse Chapter 21—and assign every character a dogsona! It’s a good thing they recorded this episode during Pride Month, because Alice is joining in on the ravishment fantasy and the Edward x Jacob sexual tension is simmering as the main love triangle hits the unhappy trails for the most awkward camping trip in literary history. (What if we pointed to a map and our hands touched and we were both boys?)
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It’s a big day for Bella and Edward in Eclipse chapter 20, and G and Shannon are joined by Amber, who has big news of her own! Will they finally learn the answer to the question “When we gonna bone?” Also discussed: listener cat pics, the invention of Button Watch, newfound respect for Bella, and shocking amounts of positivity toward Edward “up all night to get unlucky” Cullen.
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G and Shannon are rejoined by Kitebird in order to Mamma Mia their way through Eclipse chapter 19! They hear from some overseas listeners, give Leah carte blanche to do whatever she wants, and tackle the ultimate Twilight-universe mystery: whom did Tiffany bang? Plus: G’s tinfoil hat theory about Embry, Shannon’s perfidious betrayal of a Corona Light, and… blonde Bella Swan??
G and Shannon are back from hiatus with a guest from way back in Episode 2! Sam, inventor of "man's hungry," is back to help them tackle Eclipse chapter 18 and a baffling 3-day gym class with Bree Tanner. Together they'll learn Jasper's ultimate secret to killing vampires, plus tackle critical questions like "If a werewolf wore pants, how would he wear them?" and "Should Beau just stay home and sleep?" All will be answered in this whinnying, gobbling, licking-filled episode!
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G and Shannon are rejoined for Eclipse chapter 17 by vocal professional Rahzé, who auditions for the Midnight Sun TV show with their best mumbles, murmurs, and hoarse shrieks. It’s a vampire grad party and you’re ALL invited! Jacob is doing choreography, Jasper is scaring the hoes, and Stephenie Meyer has definitely not been to a rave. Meanwhile, Bree Tanner learns shocking revelations and Shannon dabbles in ASMR in this episode brought to you by the letter C.
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Number one feminist ally and extremely 6’6” friend James returns just in time to attend Bella’s graduation with G and Shannon in Eclipse chapter 16! After Bella and Alice graduate with degrees in keeping secrets from Edward, it’s time to switch into Bree Tanner mode and meet the coolest—and freakiest—Twilight character you’ve never heard of. Plus: laugh track mishaps, vampire gamer representation, and G gets Shannon canceled in an all-new Corona Light!
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Winni is BACK to represent Team Jacob in chapter 15 of Eclipse, in which Team Jacob is fighting for its life, G is guzzling hard liquor at 9 AM, and Shannon is having a public breakdown in a coffee shop. But don’t worry: they’ve totally figured out how to fix this chapter. Also discussed: kissing tips for Jacob, Cullen leg identification, and Kelsey. Who the hell is Kelsey? Crank this Script Doctor episode and find out!
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G and Shannon are joined in their Eclipse chapter 14 discussion by the originator of the Renesmegg herself: Ioco! Bella must brace herself for massive trauma (the party Alice is throwing her) while debating the ethics of feeding the innocent to her vampire bf. Also included: Jacob quite literally enters his pick-me era, Diego and Bree go sparkle-spelunking, and Bree tries to break the record for most hole mentions in a single chapter.
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It’s the episode G and Shannon have been waiting for! Lexie returns to laugh, cry, and cringe through Smeyer’s horrible choices in Eclipse chapter 13 and the first “chapter” of The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. Jasper tells all about his dramatic 80 seasons on the vampire Bachelorette, G makes Shannon do a ridiculous accent, and new narrator Bree’s first date involves breaking and entering, murder, and chill.
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Blast from the past high school bestie Julie arrives to help G and Shannon relive Twilight’s glory days and read Eclipse chapter 12! After relating a little too hard to Edward’s Catholic trauma and Bella’s relapse into her “staring out the window for hours” habit, it’s time to celebrate their progress in couple’s therapy until the abrupt reappearance of this book’s non-romantic plot! Remember the plot?
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Grab your wieners, because it’s a werewolf soiree and you’re ALL invited! Appa returns to help G and Shannon sift through Eclipse chapter 11—AND uncover an ancient Stephenie Meyer interview (drop the mermaid books, Stephenie!) Plus: Shannon invents Baby Talk Bingo, Edward comes out as Heathcliff kin, and G workshops potential names for the Third Wife. Hold onto your jorts, because this werewolf bar mitzvah is turning into a werewolf frat party!
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Actual comedian and Bimbo Monday co-creator Rocio joins G and Shannon to talk Eclipse chapter 10! It’s literary Herstory in the making as Stephenie Meyer busts out her thesaurus and G performs dish-related slam poetry. Also in this episode: Jacob explains his tits-out policy, Edward loses the IDGAF war, and Shannon encounters her Waterloo—the word “pillow.”
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Cryptid expert Laura is back for Eclipse chapter 9, in which the non-love-triangle plot arrives at last! Bella’s in the tradwife sunken place and Charlie is dancing on G and Shannon’s last nerve. Reading challenges abound as G is forced to read about her NOTP and Shannon must repeatedly say the word “pillow.” Also featured: Esme gets a turn in the spotlight, Shannon makes an incredible Freudian slip, and a special bonus guest manages a hostile takeover of the podcast!
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Slogan coiner extraordinaire Nicole is back to join G and Shannon for the horniest chapter yet—Chapter 8 of Eclipse, in which Bella finally gets some horizontal action and Jacob pops a… soda? Plus: blonde vs brunette reading experiences, Chris Hansen’s To Catch a Predator: La Push Edition, and a spot of jalice trutherism. Will this be the episode where G and Shannon do a 180 and become Team Edward? As a wise woman once said: “It happens.”
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