Do you hear words like "compersion" and "metamour" and cringe internally? Or are you someone who is excited to have in-group markers like talking about a Kitchen Table relationship? This episode talks about when these terms are useful, when they're less so, why we use them, and the definitions of some of the most common ones.
I maintain the most frequently cited Polyamory Glossary online, at https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/polyamor... but I am not an unconditional jargon booster - learn more in today's episode.
(and make sure you and your partners are on the same page when using terms!)
See you next week, when hopefully I start to get better at YouTube. You can find me at most other socials @readyforpolyamory, and I'll be teaching a class for Wicked Grounds on Jan 26 on Negotiation for Edgeplay (because I teach kink stuff not just polyam stuff) and you can find links to all my upcoming things in my linktree: https://linktr.ee/readyforpolyamory
In a conversation that ranges a little beyond both books, Laura and Andrea Zanin discuss:
What is Post-Non-Monogamy?
Does it matter whether non-monogamy is an identity?
What benefit can we glean from a post-non-monogamous identity?
What are some reasons one might be post-non-monogamous?
The flexibility of this concept and identity
More than two, second edition, and what parts of it Andrea is most proud of putting into the world, as well as the process of taking the ten year old book apart and putting it back together.
The future of non-monogamy.
This conversation got a little deep, but also very funny, and I hope you all enjoy it. Andrea Zanin was an absolute delight to interview as well as to read, and you should go out and get their books.
You can get Post-Nonmonogamy and Beyond from Bookshop here: https://bookshop.org/p/books/post-nonmonogamy-and-beyond-more-than-two-essentials-guide-andrea-zanin/20579162?ean=9781990869556
Or find a list of ways to get and review it as well as upcoming events here: https://thornapplepress.ca/books/post-nonmonogamy-and-beyond/
And likewise More Than Two, Second Edition can be found here: https://bookshop.org/p/books/more-than-two-cultivating-nonmonogamous-relationships-with-kindness-and-integrity-eve-rickert/20964103?ean=9781990869587
and a more complete list of ways to get it and upcoming events promoting it are here: https://thornapplepress.ca/books/more-than-two/
You can find Laura & her upcoming book events here: https://readyforpolyamory.com/events
Eve Rickert, co-author of both editions of More Than Two, is on the show to discuss the process of creating More Than Two, Second Edition, what about it is different, why a second edition, and more.
You can get More Than Two, Second Edition anywhere books are sold, with the official release date Sept 2, but preorder from the links provided by Thornapple Press here to support them: https://thornapplepress.ca/books/more-than-two/
You can follow MTT 2nd Edition on IG here: https://www.instagram.com/mttbook/
Laura and Ready for polyamory have a big book release coming up as well; get Monogamy? In this Economy? before it comes out Aug 21, check out tour stops as they get added, class dates, and more at my linktree here: linktr.ee/readyforpolyamory
"In Parable of the Sower, Octavia Butler has that affirmation, change is the only constant - and I think that's an important way to look at these life transitions. We can't be trying to stop change from happening, for us or for our kids."
Libby Sinback of Making Polyamory Work sits down with Laura in this episode to discuss big life changes this week, and how they affect us, as polyamorous folks - especially through the lens of the two of us as polyamorous parents. Much is made, often, of trying to minimize changes in our lives - at least as they'll impact our families - but the reality is that our lives can be seen as a series of choices and changes, so today we talk about lenses, questions and strategies for listeners to consider and take away as they move through big changes, expected and not, and "positive" or "negative."
(Remember - a "negative" change like a divorce, deescalation or move out might still be a net positive in the lives of those involved, but have a bunch of bumpiness or messiness on the way - so let's think of ways to navigate them while remaining in our values to the best of our ability.)
Libby Sinback is a relationship coach, educator, and host of the podcast, Making Polyamory Work. She helps people who want to live and love outside the status quo break out of the harmful relationship patterns that are holding them back from nourishing, authentic, boundless love in their life. Libby believes love is why we are here and how we heal. You can find Libby at her website http://libbysinback.com, her podcast https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/makingpolywork , and her upcoming group the foundations of open relating here:https://www.libbysinback.com/foundations-of-open-relating.
She also wrote the foreword to Laura's upcoming book, Monogamy? In this Economy? Finances, Childrearing, and Other Practical Concerns of Polyamory, which you can find for preorder here: https://bookshop.org/a/101457/9781805011187
Non-men can join Laura for the women&femmes support group every second Sunday, the upcoming one May 19 has all proceeds donated to a GFM for a Palestinian family: https://femmessupport5.eventbrite.com
Laura is moderating (and occasionally giving snarky commentary to) a class by the brilliant Dr. Marie Thouin called Compersion and You based on her new book, the first research-based book on compersion, on 06/06/2024, join us! http://compersion.eventbrite.com
Laura and Sarah Casper will be co-teaching a class on 06/09/2024, Building and Breaking Boundaries, come check it out and bring your questions about boundary setting in interpersonal relationships: http://buildingboundaries1.eventbrite.com
Special Guest: Libby Sinback.
Laura sits down with Evie Lupine to discuss kink, asexuality, and non-monogamy and polyamory and how these intersect for Evie as well as the larger community.
Evie shares her experience as an asexual person who finds that a lot of nonmonogamous dating includes "the social dance where people expect the first date to be a nicety they must complete to get to the sex"; and "even folks who express a lot of understanding verbally and have other partners can seem confused or disappointed when it remains that I'm asexual several months into a relationship." We talk a little about the contrast between the polyamorous "public face" of "it's about the LOVE not the SEX" versus her actual lived experience.
The episode actually opens with a detailed discussion of the many platforms that have come and gone for sharing information on sexuality, nonmonogamy, and kink, and the ways it's informed and changed the actual experience of end users and of educators and creators, as well.
Evie Lupine is a YouTuber, asexual sex educator, and loud advocate for understanding in the BDSM community online. You can find twice-weekly videos from her on non-monogamy and kink on her YouTube channel, and some additional information and services (she does advice!) on her Patreon; Twitter and Instagram have pages for her but are somewhat disused.
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/EvieLupine
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/EvieLupine &
https://www.patreon.com/evielupine2 for 1:1 chats, video calls and advice
Twitter: https://twitter.com/EvieLupine
Instagram: @evie.lupine
Laura sits down with Alex Alberto, author of Entwined to discuss the new memoir, polyamorous media representation, storytelling, and more.
Buy Entwined: Essays on Polyamory and Creating Home. Paperback, ebook, and audiobook available.
Direct from Alex | Support them!
Bookshop.org | Support indie bookstores!
Amazon | If you must.
Subscribe to Entwined Mag for stories of polyamory, friendship, and family
[entwinedmag.com](entwinedmag.com) - and watch that space for adding your own stories!
Follow Alex Alberto
[Website](alexalberto.com) | Instagram | TikTok
Check out Laura's upcoming [events](readyforpolyamory.com/events), the women & femmes support group (every second sunday - [first meeting March 24](femmessupport1.eventbrite.com) ) and preorder Monogamy? In This Economy? on Bookshop
Special Guest: Alex Alberto.
Evita Sawyers has been polyamorous for over a decade and is a relationship coach who is well known for creating the instagram series "Today's Polyamory Reminder." Her book "A Polyamory Devotional," out October 20 from Thornapple Press, is 365 daily prompts for thinking through different issues and angles of interpersonal relating, filtered through a lens of nonmonogamy.
On today's episode she discusses with Laura how the same issues of nonmonogamy that drive these reflections can drive self-knowledge that serve all our relationships, as well as discussing her work with Chanée Jackson-Kendall on the Metamour's Bill of Rights, and general ideas of growth via conflict and discomfort.
Find A Polyamory Devotional here: https://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Devotional-Reflections-Consensually-Nonmonogamous/dp/1990869238
Find Evita on Instagram @lavitaloca34, and her linktree at https://linktr.ee/lavitalocasawyers
So much of polyamorous cohabitation advice implies that space is easy to come by - that you just have a guest room, or that it's simple to have silence or an extra floor to go to. But for many polyamorists this isn't the case, logistically. In cities and apartment living especially, space, distance, and existing parallel to your partners' relationships can feel like imaginary concepts that maybe other people get to have. Laura and Gabrielle Noel (@gabalexa on social media) discuss the practical and emotional realities of living in small spaces in today's episode.
Follow Gabrielle everywhere @gabalexa, or leave the whims of platforms out of it and keep in touch via her website, https://gabalexa.com, where you can find a selection of her writing and links to much of her work.
Laura will be teaching a workshop on various forms of polyam cohabitation with Leanne Yau on October 15, you can still get tickets here: https://polyam-nest.eventbrite.com and find her work in general at readyforpolyamory.com.
Special Guest: Gabrielle Aelexa Noel.
Polysaturation is the state of realizing you have enough relationally - that more would be too much. This can be a really beautiful, welcome thing - or a really challenging one. It can make folks feel like they've done something wrong and that's why their internal warning lights about energy or capacity to handle issues with partners are going off. The answer is seldom simple - these are people we care for and are relating to, we aren't going to "get rid of" them - but often, there are times in life when we need to recalibrate in order to care for ourselves. So how do we do that?
This week's podcast episode is all about this.
Love, sex, kink, and non-monogamy make up the bulk of Violet Fawkes’ work as a sex & pleasure educator. She is a long-time relationship anarchist and kinkster, sprinkling sex-positivity wherever she goes. Helping you find self exploration, self-empowerment, and living your best, most authentic intimate life is what Violet’s work is all about.
You can find Violet at violetfawkes.com
@FawkesViolet on X
@Violet_Fawkes on Insta
@violetfawkes.bsky.social
and you can find her newest, a dildo collab with Freely Toys, here: https://freelytoys.com/freely-x/violet-fawkes.
You can find Laura and @readyforpolyamory all over during October and November. On Oct 9, she'll be teaching for Wicked Grounds, a class on Narrative Ageplay. On October 15, Laura and Leanne Yau of polyphiliablog are collaborating on a workshop called The Polyamorous Home, which we hope you'll join us for! In November, back at Wicked Grounds teaching Home for the Polydays, a class about managing expectations for the holiday season with your polycule; and there are 3 spaces left for the November [Growth Cycles Retreat](readyforpolyamory.com/retreats) in CT which Laura is facilitating, if you and your partner(s) would like to attend.
Special Guest: Violet Fawkes.
"Matrescence - the process of becoming a mother - is something we only talk about in the most glorified tone culturally, and it is in fact really difficult and isolating and kind of awful - and holding that duality can be enormously challenging and shameful for moms who already lack support."
"I talk about non-monogamy in the book both because I’m from the Bay Area and it’s everywhere but also because I wanted to examine social changes and social frameworks that might be available as alternatives to just straight policy changes that can build some of this support for mothers that’s clearly needed. So one of the moms whose rage story I share is in a non-monogamous relationship."
On today's episode, Laura sits down with Minna Dubin, author of Mom Rage, to discuss motherhood, the force of social expectations and stepping outside of them, the ways non-monogamy can be a positive force of support for family life, and more. The book examines the universal issue of maternal rage, its roots, and social changes that might improve the situation for mothers.
Pick up Mom Rage at your local bookstore, or online at: https://www.hachettebookgroup.com/titles/minna-dubin/mom-rage/9781541601307/ and follow her on Instagram @minnadubin.
The Ready for Polyamory Podcast will be back next week with Violet Fawkes as our guest chatting about polysaturation - and you can find Laura on all the socials @readyforpolyamory and upcoming class info at www.readyforpolyamory.com/events. There's three classes coming up in October - go give it a look! Only 4 spaces remain for the November Growth Cycles retreat in CT, so if you're interested in an intensive weekend working on relationship agreements and communication skills, check out info at readyforpolyamory.com/retreats
"Both these dynamics - D/s and polyamory - are emotional edgeplay, are like peeling a layer of your skin back, and there’s so much growth and power to be found in continuing to engage there."
Writing Spicy registration closes October 5, 2023, and runs October 6 - November 19, 2023 - More information & register at - http://writingspicy.com/
On September 19, Laura is teaching Negotiation for Edgeplay at Wicked Grounds - More info and tickets here: https://forbiddentickets.com/events/wicked-grounds/2023-09-19-online-bottoming-safety-201-negotiating-edgeplay-safely-as-a-bottom-or-submissive
On September 26, Sinclair is leading The Vulnerable Dominant online workshop through Wicked Grounds - More information & tickets here https://forbiddentickets.com/events/wicked-grounds/2023-09-26-online-the-vulnerable-dominant
calendar of Sinclair's upcoming workshops & events: https://www.sugarbutch.net/2023/01/calendar/
all the places to find Sinclair online: http://sugarbutch.net/find-sinclair
D/s & polyamory things:
misc ...
M/s language - https://www.sugarbutch.net/tag/m-s-language/
Sweet & Rough audio book will be posted here, when it's ready: https://www.sugarbutch.net/shop/sweet-and-rough/
EroSomatic Arts Collective - Liberating Bodies through Radical Pleasure - workshops, forthcoming podcast, retreats, & more - http://erosomatics.com/
Ready For Polyamory Growth Cycles Retreats Link: readyforpolyamory.com/retreats
Special Guest: Sinclair Sexsmith.
"I need to have a word with the people at Netflix about teasing polyamory"
"Books are just leaps and bounds ahead of tv in representation, so my standards are way higher"
In today's episode, Laura and Abbie of PolyAnarchy discuss polyamorous representation in various tv properties and books.
Their favorites include the book To Shape a Dragon's Breath and they universally pan what they term "all the Netflix reality shows that use the word throuple and don't give us one."
Special Guest: Abbie K.
"You need the self-awareness and the meta-communication to make using the tools easier for you. It's about waking up to doing it intentionally."
"In my romantic relationships and my friendships, I feel so empowered in my communication - we have so many tools we can turn to."
The new book from Dedeker, Emily and Jase of Multiamory is a tool kit for communication in relationships of all kinds. In today's podcast episode we focus on one in particular that they delve into - microscripts - but we also range through topics like conflict resolution, our peeves in relationship advice, and which two of the four of us have been to therapy with our moms.
Find the Ready for Polyamory review of the Multiamory book here: https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/recent-reading
Jase, Emily, and Dedeker created the Multiamory Podcast in 2014 to raise awareness, provide approachable resources, and combat the stigma faced by people in non-traditional relationships. Today, with hundreds of episodes, millions of downloads around the world, and a rapidly growing community, they are dedicated to offering practical advice and communication tools, grounded in the latest relationship research, guest experts, and years of professional experience. Multiamory has been featured in numerous publications, including NPR, Vice, Huffington Post, Oprah Daily, Cosmopolitan, and Elle. In addition to their national tours, they have presented at the Google campus in Seattle and have been keynote speakers and presenters at numerous conferences. For more information and links to buy the book, please visit: https://www.multiamory.com/book.
Laura speaks with Jessica Fern and David Cooley about their new book, PolyWise, paradigm shifts for folks making changes in non monogamous relationships, and restorative rather than punitive views of conflict.
They discuss why the authors included so many different psychological modalities and approaches in their book, the value of different tools for folks encountering big transitions in relationships, and more.
"It's about intentionality - being willing to lead with your feelings, hearing when your partner does as well, and keeping in mind that healing and relating are verbs."
"Paradigms were an important focus for us because we're all so steeped in them - and getting to a place where we identify our values and shift them intentionally is really powerful."
PolyWise is available at all booksellers August 25, 2023.
Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Coach, and Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. Jessica is the author of Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polyseucre Workbook: Healing Your Attachment and Creating Security in Loving Relationships. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love. Learn more at JessicaFern.com.
As always you can find Laura and Ready for Polyamory @readyforpolyamory on social media and at [readyforpolyamory.com ](www.readyforpolyamory.com). New podcast episodes will be up Thursdays all fall!
Special Guest: Jessica Fern.
"The relationship they need to feel secure is not always the one you need to deescalate to the 'good parts' of your relationship with them."
"It can be really triggering to watch someone greive so outwardly about someone else and their relationship while you're still with them."
Leanne Yau of PolyPhiliaBlog guests on this week's episode to discuss her recent breakup and breakups in general, and when they end up being necessary over de-escalations, with Laura. We talk about breakups when you're 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon or less from your former partners by staying in community, how these can be even more difficult than leaving a relationship, that people sometimes stay in relationships to "prove the haters wrong," and more. The episode includes a section on
Related blog posts at the Ready for Polyamory Blog include:
https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/breakups-in-polyamory
https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/breaking-up-is-hard-to-do
https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/guest-post-is-there-a-problem-with-hierarchy (on automatic promotion to primary)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/laugh-cry-live/201809/how-respond-people-in-crisis-comfort-in-dump-out (Grief ring theory dump in comfort out)
Leanne Yau, aka Poly Philia, is a polyamory educator and sex-positive influencer on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, Twitter, Patreon, and YouTube. She creates and curates humorous and educational memes, tips, videos, and other bite-size content on non-monogamy, queer relationships, and sex positivity, and was named #1 in Cosmopolitan's '10 Polyamory Experts to Follow on TikTok'.
You can find her on all social media as @polyphiliablog; and her patreon and shop at http://patreon.com/polyphiliablog; http://polyphiliashop.Redbubble.com.
Special Guest: Leanne Yau.
"Start the revolution from your affections is an imperfect translation, but it's as close as we could get to the idea that we don't want freedom from our bonds, we want freedom made by our bonds"
"Relationship Anarchy is essentially the everyday decision to make visible and question all of the presumptions that underlie all our relationships."
If you find discussions of Relationship Anarchy to be dismissive, surface level, or fail to explain what the political anarchist principles that are being applied to relationships ARE, this book may be for you. We discuss the idea that self-care is useless without community care, that the idea is to make all relationships more valuable, not romantic relationships less so, and other overarching themes.
The concept of the book, originally published in Spanish in 2020, is to clarify a more radical framework for sustainable interpersonal relationships based on communication and free conscientious commitment, based on alternatives to hegemonic monogamous patriarchal systems. It argues, among other points, that the difference between "nonhierarchical polyamory" and "relationship anarchy" is a willingness to engage in the political meaning of our relationship choices.
Get the Relationship Anarchy book and more information here: https://relationshipanarchybook.com/
As always you can find the latest happenings for Laura and Ready for Polyamory at readyforpolyamory.com ; on the ko-fi shop at www.ko-fi.com/readyforpolyamory/shop there are newly uploaded class copies.
Content Warning: we discuss abusive relationships, and (without details) sexual assault and the process of reporting and discussing such incidents in community and with organizations that were around us at that time. Folks should use their discretion in deciding if this is an episode they can listen to and when they should do so.
"A lot of survivors get given the impression they can't be non-monogamous. That isn't necessarily true."
"Trauma-informed non-monogamy and non-monogamous spaces can be harder to find than we want them to be."
Sydney Rae Chin is a chef, pleasure curator, and sex worker. They nourish people through body, mind, and soul through curated pleasure centered experiences.
Sydney's work is informed by their ancestral roots in Guangdong/Hong Kong, non-monogamy practice, and experiences with survivorship (intimate partner and sexual violence). If you want to book Sydney's alter ego, head to eatwithlydialim.com to experience the more submissive and spicier side of their life.
Links: eatwithlydialim.com and sexysoupdumplings.com incoming soon
https://msha.ke/sexysoupdumplings/
https://onlyfans.com/smexysoupdumplings
"The definition I prefer to use is that abuse is a pattern of behavior with the design, intent, or consequence of making someone unable to leave a situation."
"We need to expand our conceptions of abuse because so many support systems are using methods of understanding that are heteronormative and based entirely on married people, much less mononormative."
CW: this episode speaks about patterns of behavior and harm that can comprise abusive relationships, and while it strives not to be explicit, it may be triggering for some survivors of abuse. Use your discretion for if or the timing of when you listen.
Laura speaks with Claire Travers of Poly Pages regarding abuse in polyamory, resources for folks who believe they may be in abusive relationships, and the most well known examples of abuse in polyam relationships.
Claire Travers runs events, a podcast, webcasts, and research hubs for Poly Pages, an academic-focused resource on polyamory, which you can find at www.polypages.org. You can also find her on instagram and tiktok @polypages.
Poly Pages is partnered with The Network La Red in the USA and Refuge in the UK to expand definitions and understandings of abuse outside of hetero-mononormative views. You can find The Network La Red at https://www.tnlr.org/en/ and they have a Zoom event "Coffee with The Network La Red" this sunday about the nuance in "the myth of mutual abuse" and some of the "flying monkey" and "DARVO" issues Claire and I discuss in this episode as well as the "no perfect victim" issues Alicia and I discussed in the previous one on March 26 at 10 am. You can find the registration link and more at their linktree here: https://linktr.ee/thenetworklared Refuge for those in the UK can be found here: https://refuge.org.uk/
Content Warning: throughout this episode, we speak frankly of forms of emotional, financial, and physical abuse. There is no particularly graphic content and the episode is "safe for work" in a traditional sense, but it may be triggering to some listeners and begins with a similar audio content warning. Listen at a time and in a place when you have the capacity to care for yourself, especially if you are a survivor of abuse.
"There are several conversations our community should be having about abuse but the first step should be to acknowledge it happens in polyamorous relationships."
"Mainstream polyamorous discourse is simply not trauma-informed and therefore is mostly ridiculous. It ignores people's reality and becomes a richer tool for abusers."
In this episode, Laura sits down with Alicia Bunyan-Sampson, of Polyamorous Black Girl, to discuss abuse in polyamorous relationships and the conversations the polyam community needs to be having around this challenging topic. They go over the ways the polyam community's wider conversation fails survivors by implying that polyamory is "more enlightened" than monogamy; the ways being a subculture can begin the work of isolating a victim for an abuser; the fact that there is no such thing as a "perfect victim" and that this complicates public perception of abuse; some conversations the community needs to have more often; and more.
You can find a listing of all Alicia's websites and social media at https://bio.site/polyamorousblackgirl, but she is frequently posting on instagram @polyamorousblackgirl on tiktok @polyamorousblkgrl and on twitter @polyamblackgirl.
As always you can find Laura and Ready for Polyamory at readyforpolyamory.com and the full links to all her social media and upcoming projects at linktr.ee/readyforpolyamory.
Special Guest: Alicia Bunyan-Sampson .
Non-monogamy is a big umbrella! polyamory isn't the only thing that falls under it. Often, folks can be a little Holier-than-thou (polier-than-thou?) about their nonmonogamy, implying that polyamory is more evolved than other kinds of consensual non-monogamy or being decidedly sex-negative when they learn that folks entered their nonmonogamous journey from opening to swinging or being "monogamish" instead of polyamorous. So on today's episode we're going to talk about the kind of middle spaces that many folks actually continue to exist in (eg, polyam people with ongoing relationships who also have casual encounters or attend sex parties, or swingers who play with the same people for many years and become exceptionally close), as well as what these communities can learn from one another.
Our guests today are Emma and Fin of the Normalizing Non-Monogamy podcast, who interview hundreds of non-mono individuals to share the extremely broad variation in the realities of nonmonogamous folks' lives. They share their own story with us here. You can find their podcast on most podcast platforms and their site here: https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/
https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/community