Peggy Green is a health and wellness enthusiast who helps mothers process the loss of a child so they can enjoy time with family and find happiness. After the loss of her second child, she discovered she was helping others in their grief. Peggy started as a grief coach utilizing the tools and resources she gained over a lifetime in overcoming adversity, trauma, and loss. Peggy is a mother of 4 children, 2 in heaven and 2 grown girls. She lives in Highlands Ranch, Colorado.

You can receive a free copy of her book: Life After Child Loss: The Mother’s Survival Guide to Cope and Find Joy by reaching out to her at:  Peggy.griefrecovery@gmail.com

Shownotes:

[00:00:15.720] - Pat Sheveland, Host

Hello. I'm so excited because I am here with Peggy Green. And it's interesting because Peggy and I met each other actually through a Facebook group. It was for grieving parents. And she saw what I was doing with my book and sharing some of that. And she actually ended up coming to the author incubator, which is where I wrote my book. And so she just recently wrote a book. So I want to tell you a little bit about Peggy and get to know her a little bit better here. So Peggy Green is a health and wellness enthusiast who helps mothers process the loss of a child so that they can enjoy time with family and find happiness. After the loss of her second child, she discovered she was helping others in their grief, that life purpose. So Peggy started out as a grief coach, utilizing the tools and resources she gained over her lifetime in overcoming adversity, trauma, and loss. She's the mother of four children, two in heaven, and two grown girls. She lives in Highland's Ranch, Colorado, placed near and dear to my heart. I love living in Colorado, so I miss that desperately.

[00:01:24.740] - Pat Sheveland, Host

So welcome, Peggy. I'm so glad to have you and that we get to hang out together today.

[00:01:29.620] - Peggy Green, Guest

Well, thanks, Pat. It's my pleasure and my honor. And there's no coincidences in life and that we're both in that field of helping others with their grief. So thank you. I appreciate it. The time that we've had together and the opportunity to get to know you.

[00:01:47.520] - Pat Sheveland, Host

Yeah. And it's interesting because Peggy, of course, is a grieving mother. That grief never goes away. And she'll talk a little bit about that. And I am the child born to a grieving mother. So we handle the whole spectrum here and have different ways of looking at grief. When a child dies in a family, there's nothing that can make it easy. Nothing that can make it okay. It really is a process, and it's a lifelong process for especially the moms and dads, but also for the siblings, whether in my case, I wasn't even born yet, but it's still had a trickle down effect on us. So Peggi, you recently finished your book, which is super, super exciting. So talk to me, share what the title is and what inspired you to write.

[00:02:41.820] - Peggy Green, Guest

The book. Yeah. Coming out and writing a book. So I'm going to show you a copy of this. I couldn't express more how appropriate that this title is. It's a life after child loss and the mother's survival guide to cope and find joy. The book is dedicated to my son who took his life in December of 2018. And if it weren't for him taking his life, this book would not have been written. And the other pieces of that are, after his passing, I started processing and sharing a lot of my most vulnerable moments, my heartache, my pain, my experience on Facebook. And my post I found were helping other people process their griefs. And I said griefs in a plural because grief can be so many things. It doesn't have to be specific to a child. It can be to a parent, a grandparent, a sibling, a job, a relationship, divorce, or a friendship and even to fur babies. And so I found that the comments people were sharing with me was, This is helping me. Gosh, this applies to my circumstances. It may not have been the child loss. And so it was then that I decided that I needed to share and I needed to make a difference with people.

[00:04:08.720] - Peggy Green, Guest

And so after a year anniversary in January of actually this year, I met with Pat and we talked about how I could write a book that would make a difference. And so she connected me with the organization, the author Incubator, and wrote a book to make a difference and have an impact on people. It's been quite the journey to be able to reach out and share my life experiences and the tools and resources that I've used to be able to survive multiple losses. My first one, my first child loss was 29 years ago. And since then, it's been parents and nieces and nephews, cousins, and my sister as well. So these tools and resources that I found have been what's helped me to be able to stand on two feet, have happiness, have a bright future, and be able to look forward.

[00:05:03.150] - Pat Sheveland, Host

Wow. And I've read your book. It is so powerful and learned so much new things more than we had even talked about. And the devastating grief, layered grief of having not just one but two children unimaginable. And yet you're still sitting here today. You still get a smile on your face. I see that. And I know that for a lot of parents, they're like, I don't know that I can ever smile again. Or I feel like maybe that's unfair to my child who died, that I'm able to keep on living. But you have been able to do that. So can you tell me a little bit about your book and the program that's embedded into the book? Because I know you have a companion program because as we know, books are awesome. They're great. But you also know that how many times did you pick up a book during all of your stages phases of grief, including even now, and just say, Okay, I'm going to go do this thing. It doesn't happen very often when you have good intentions, but you're so overwhelmed by your grief. So you have this companion program. And so talk to me about your program.

[00:06:21.090] - Pat Sheveland, Host

What does that look like? How do you help these parents and other family members who are experiencing a devastating loss such as the death of their child?

[00:06:34.130] - Peggy Green, Guest

Yeah. Pat, child loss is like the elephant in the room that people just don't talk about it. Part of it is because they don't know how. We as parents I mean, it's the chronological order of things is that parents are supposed to die before their children, not after. And so people just don't know how to handle it. And so the program that I have is intended to help those who realize that this has happened. They've been able to accept their loss. And then now that they have accepted it, they're willing to say, Okay, how do I move forward? I don't have the tools and resources. I don't know how to do it. So me, my first loss was 29 years ago, and I didn't have resources to build to help me through it. And being in that same position, I wouldn't want anybody else to not have something that they can help them. Child loss is a journey. It will never end. We don't expect you to get over loss. We help you to move through it. And it's a cycle of moving back and forth. And you may have a good day and you may have a bad day.

[00:07:43.740] - Peggy Green, Guest

But even learning to come to terms with that, that's part of your life now. This is your new norm. So in that program, I walk alongside with you. I link arms with you and am there to help you in moving through your journey and finding the tools and resources that I used that I've gained over the lifetime of all that trauma. So it's eight weeks where we work together intimately. I get to know you, I get to know about your child and really what's breaking your heart and what's triggering you and giving you the tools to be able to work through and get through those tough moments.

[00:08:23.470] - Pat Sheveland, Host

Beautiful. Beautiful. So I know that it is the elephant in the room, right? And then there's people like you and I who we have a comfort level in speaking about it because we know how important it is. It's important to keep our loved ones, their spirit alive and talk about it. And I know that people are uncomfortable because they're afraid to say anything because they don't want to hurt you. And the reality is you're always going to feel this loss. You're always going to have hurt. No one can make it hurt because it's always there because of the deep love in your heart. And I always say that we grieve because we love so deeply. Had we never loved, we would not be grieving. And so there's all this love in your heart. So in view of the fact that it is the elephant in the room, sometimes people may say things that are like, what? Come on. Did you.

[00:09:22.140] - Peggy Green, Guest

Just say that? Did that really spill out of your mouth?

[00:09:25.070] - Pat Sheveland, Host

Yeah. Did that just come out of your mouth? I mean, seriously. So what are the top three things you suggest not to say to a grievance care?

[00:09:34.010] - Peggy Green, Guest

Oh, gosh. They're in a better place. I think that that is one of the worst things. And I think that's more often, especially if a child suffered an illness, that they're in a better place. And no parent thinks that it's better that their child's not with them. And that's really the person who's offering that condolence, I think, is really trying from their heart and want to console you and to help you, but they don't realize that just doesn't make sense to a grieving parent. It's like, Oh, well, I'm happy that my child's gone. They're in a better place. So that's definitely not one thing to say. Again, the loss of a child is so different is that the expectation that comes from the outside world is that we get over it. I think even saying, Oh, you're talking about your child again. That's one of the things that as a parent, we want to make sure that our child is never forgotten and that that in itself, talking about our child is very healing. And you said, people may be afraid to bring it up. I was just on a recent call with a friend and she was just digging deep and asking questions.

[00:10:57.140]

But rather than saying, she asked permission to ask me questions. I was like, yes, absolutely. And appreciate that you asked questions. And no, if I cry, it's because it triggers something. But that's okay by me. And don't feel bad for asking me a question because as you said, that pain is always there and something may trigger it. But it's all part of that process of healing. And then, oh, gosh, there's so many. Third one, I would say, is just what's your next step? Are you going to have more children? Remember that you have other children. You need to live for them. While this is also a very good point, we can't dismiss the fact that we've lost a child. It's in that process of learning to be able to breathe and live at the same time. And it's something that we need to learn. There is in a handbook that we originally got and said, how can you be sad and happy at the same time? But we learned to be able to navigate that.

[00:12:03.030] - Pat Sheveland, Host

Oh, and I love what you said is that the person that was digging a little deeper with you, who was sitting with you asked permission. May I ask you these questions? I think that is so powerful. So it's opening it up and saying, may I ask these questions? And I've had people say, I can't go there right now. I just can't. And I'm like, Okay, got it. That's great. Let's just sit. Let's just sit. Let's breathe. Let's just let me surround you in love, if that's where it is. But most often people are like, Yes, I want to be able to talk about my child. I want to talk about my loved one. I don't want that their memory to ever be erased. And in my circumstance, my parents did bury my brother's memory. And it took my mom 60 years. And so that's the other thing is I see that what you're bringing to the table, Peggi, is you have experience going back 20 plus years ago and then a more recent one at different phases and stages in your life and how important it is to be able to have support on the early side of it and also years down the road.

[00:13:15.690] - Pat Sheveland, Host

I've had people come to me where the death of their child has been 30 years ago and they didn't realize that all the stuff that's going on in their lives, whether it's marriage issues or issues with their children or even issues working, all of that stuff, physical issues, really went back to that time that they didn't have the ability to find healing in their grief because grief to me is a healing process. It never goes away and you're always healing. But it's a healing process. If we don't allow grief, then I coin the phrase we have failed grief. So can you talk to me a little bit? And I don't want to cry. So if I cry, it could say, hey, not go in there. But how did you've gone through this for decades, navigating this. But how did your loss, especially your daughter, so many years ago, what impact did that have on your life and your relationships? Is there anything that you learned from that that you can bring forward so that after Connor's death that you were able to, Oh, this is what I need to do for myself because I learned way back when that doing it another way didn't really work for me?

[00:14:31.060] - Pat Sheveland, Host

Does that make sense?

[00:14:32.370] - Peggy Green, Guest

Yeah. If I understand that the tools from my loss of Courtney and how I've been able to use those things now, if I'm understanding you.

[00:14:42.020] - Pat Sheveland, Host

And were there any... Do you see where back then that maybe your grief hadn't been able to... You weren't as supported or you didn't have the right tools and an understanding where it impacted your relationships or things like that?

[00:15:00.640] - Peggy Green, Guest

Yeah. Well, and I think the best way for me to do that for you, Pat, is to draw a little bit of a comparison in between the two. So Courtney was nine months old and she passed away in a in home daycare accident. And then Connor was 24 and he took us on life. Nine months versus 24 months, I think that the history and the depth of the love and the things that we did had a huge impact on it. Courtney and I never celebrated the one year birthday of her birth, Connor 24. And so I think the length of time for me was quite different. And the support that I received with Courtney was more with family. Both my sister and my mother were very close to me, and both of them made all attempts at drawing me closer to God. And at that time, I fended it off. I wasn't ready for it. And I dug deeply into work. And then I also had three other children, Brittany, Connor, and Hannah. And so with her loss, I knew that I was going to have more children. And with Connor, it's been that finality is that I'm not having more children.

[00:16:20.090] - Peggy Green, Guest

And it's not that my other children replaced Courtney. They always planned on having more. But it was such a short lived life and that I knew I had so much more ahead of me with my life. And it impacted my relationship with her dad, with Courtney's dad. And they say that so many marriages, at least 50 % do not survive the loss of a child because the grief is so different in between a mother and a father. And so I was not able to relate to her dad with that. We were definitely on very different terms. And even within the extended family of his siblings and his parents who didn't talk about her either, my family was able to, but his family was not. So it was even that extended family where we didn't talk about her. And then grief support wasn't really there. And I don't know if I really fully process it. And I think right now as I'm processing, so with Connor is that I'm going back and regrieving. I don't know if we regrieve, but regrieving some of that loss and thinking about it. But now that I've acquired a lifetime of resources, my grief is definitely different with Connor.

[00:17:47.400] - Peggy Green, Guest

I find that I have some different resources. You're able to.

[00:17:51.490] - Pat Sheveland, Host

Lean in to other people and other resources. You mentioned with God and so is faith a big part of that for you?

[00:18:01.930] - Peggy Green, Guest

Absolutely. Faith has been a journey. Like I mentioned, it wasn't a part with Courtney, but along the past 10, 12 years or so that I've been established in a relationship with God. And so that even in the good times that God was there and then God was there in the bad times. So many times people only call upon God in bad times. But I have been wanting and desiring that relationship, and that's been huge. There was a lesson, several lessons that I've learned from my faith. And one of those was because, again, doubling up on the elephant in the room is child loss and then also suicide. The pastor during Conner's memorial service said something that will just stick with me forever because we all have choices and whatever demons that was hunting Conner, God was with him and telling him, no, don't do it. Don't do it, don't do it. Don't take your life. There is more. But he allowed Conner to have his free will. And so it wasn't God that killed Connor. God was there to support him, but God also allows us free will. That's been comforting and knowing that Connor made those choices.

[00:19:20.270] - Peggy Green, Guest

So that was huge. And then even speaking with the Chaplain, and this was one of those circumstances where the Chaplain had the permission for me to speak about things. And he shared with me that, yes, Conner was definitely in a better place only because the demons that were hunting him were no longer on his shoulder. And so that was comforting. But the Chaplain and I had opened up. I had given him that permission to speak freely and to give me some spiritual guidance. That also helps me because we don't understand suicide. We don't understand what drives it. Just that in Conner circumstances, that it was some demons that he felt couldn't get rid of. The only choice that he had at that moment in time was to, in his life, because then the demons would be gone.

[00:20:13.670] - Pat Sheveland, Host

Suicide is talk about an elephant in the room. That's probably the deepest one. And certainly, I've worked with parents who are living the aftermath of that. And there's always those questions because you don't have the answers. You don't have the answers. You can't have the answers because we're not in their heads and whatever that triggering moment, death by despair happened to be. And I know that for myself, I encourage the parents to see how they might be able to reframe that. And that's what you just shared, to reframe that the demons and what was had been sitting on his shoulder are now released and he's free. And it wasn't a punishment. It wasn't a punishment by God. It wasn't that. And that you can hold in your heart. And I think everybody has their own spiritual views. And I think both you and I will never say you have to believe in this, this, or this because everybody has their own way. But I do believe that one of the greatest forms of healing in grief is to have a belief in a power, something that's greater than what's just right here on this Earth. Because if that's all that it is, it's just what's here on this Earth and it's all that suffering that we, many people feel, then there is that despair that's ongoing.

[00:21:40.990]

But you are able to find joy and smile again. You truly are. You are showing us that this can... Folks, you can find healing in your grief. Does it mean the grief is going away? Absolutely not. But you can find healing. You can find support. Now you're a new grandma, right?

[00:22:03.680] - Peggy Green, Guest

Yeah, I'm a new grandma. That's very exciting. So it gives me purpose. I want to circle back around on something that you said in asking the questions. One of the things is to not get trapped in that Canyon of why. Why did this happen? Because that is a question that will never be answered. And I think if we can torture ourselves, we can feel guilty over it. And that's one of the things I made sure that I did not get stuck in is that Canyon of why because it doesn't serve me. And I know that my son wants me to live on. And I'm a big believer in choices in that that was his choice. And I will not allow his choice to dictate my joy and my happiness. It stinks. It's a journey. And overall, his choice can't have control over me.

[00:23:04.380] - Pat Sheveland, Host

Yeah. I've seen that, too, is that it's making a conscious choice. It's making your choice. That conscious choice is I can't allow this to direct the rest of my life in a negative way. I need to have it to bring purpose. So many of us have vision boards. I have one on my desk right here that I look at every time I sit down at my desk, I have my vision board. What's on your vision board?

[00:23:32.050] - Peggy Green, Guest

I've been doing vision boards for quite a few years. Last year, I have in the middle my word of the year. This was my vision board was created after Connor passed away, and it was courage. And it was courage to be able to make it through what I would face and the courage to take one step in front of the other and to do it on a daily basis. The courage to accept it, the courage to cry. So courage. And a matter of fact, a friend gave me this bracelet and the little brass piece here has courage on it. And the only time I take that off is if I'm going to go into a really dressy event because it's pretty casual bracelet. And so I've been wearing it for a year and a half now. And then this year on that vision board, it's broken down into sections. And so I talk about my faith. Remember I talked about my journey and my faith, and it's like, continue to build my faith and deepen that relationship with God, because as with anything, to make improvements, it could be intentional. And you know this, is that intentional in our feeling and our grief.

[00:24:45.740] - Peggy Green, Guest

So intentional in my journey with God. I have on there also creating a memorial for my son. We're in the process of that. I have my book this year and that would come to fruition. I have some physical things to work on my shoulder and that's improving. And so I think about these wealth and abundance and those are just in dollars. Those are in wealth and abundance in my life and love and relationships. Those are important. Even though I would take it for granted that my grandson to become a Moor Moor. Moor Moor is Swedish for grandmother. I feel too young to be a grandmother. So to be called Moor Moor. Let's see what else is on there. Relationships. I am looking for love, and we'll see what happens. And that being on a vision board. And then in the center of that is a line drawing of a house. It's a really simple line drawing. And so my purpose is to put my house in order. And putting that house in order is both literal and figurative. I've lived in this condo for seven years, and there's a few things that have broken here and there.

[00:25:59.570]

Finally, it's finally like, okay, let's fix these things. And then fixing the other things or working on them, just in working on my shoulder and working on my grief and my book and my relationships with God. So that the center of my vision board is my word for the year, which encompasses all the other things that I see and with intention that I am looking for. So I love this format that I've been using because it really helps to guide me and to be able to sit and just dream about those things that are coming about. And the intention in what we put out is what we direct and put our focus on. And so I think you've mentioned that, yeah, I'm smiling, I'm happy. And it's because those are the things that I choose to focus on.

[00:26:51.440] - Pat Sheveland, Host

And I Love the word courage because it takes courage to grieve. It takes courage to be vulnerable. And I appreciate because I know it's not easy to get up and talk about this. And it probably depends upon the day. Today is a good day where you feel like you can speak about this and share about this. And I'm sure there's other days where it's like, I just need to curl up in my blanket and a cup of tea and just take care of myself. And I'm sure all of that is in your book. So, Peggi, how can our listeners get in touch with you?

[00:27:25.440] - Peggy Green, Guest

Well, Pat, the best way to get in touch with me is simply through an email. Right now that is Peggi, E- E-G- G- Y that griefrecovery@gmail. Com. Yes, it is recovering from a loss. So again, that's Peggy.Griefrecovery@gmail.Com. And along with that is, I do have the book, it's available on Amazon. Again, that's Life After Child Loss. And this is Conor and I both love Sunrises and Sunsets. So this is a tribute to the two of us that we are working on this book together and that we are working on helping others. So it's available on Amazon. And then if this is something that interests you, it intrigues you, you want to talk about it more, we can set up a time to just sit down, get to know you and really see what your next steps are and where you are in your process and how I can help you.

[00:28:24.610] - Pat Sheveland, Host

Oh, that's awesome. That's awesome. So I'm just going to put this in a... I'm going to have all of your contact information on all of my platforms where I share the video. Actually, I put this on a YouTube video, so I'll have your contact information in the description of the YouTube video. So this is Peggy Green. So for all of you that are listening, she gets it. She's been there. She's been in it, she's still in it. She understands what this grief process is. And so she has taken her challenges in life and the deaths of her children and especially Connor, who is side by side with her, spiritually helping her to do this work. She's here to help you. To help you walk that really can be a very treacherous path at times. It can be very rocky. It can be very, as I say, like a roller coaster. And so we both do the same work. But like Peggy and I have talked about, there's so many people. There are tens of thousands of children dying in the US every year. Tens of thousands of families are experiencing what our families went through.

[00:29:38.490] - Pat Sheveland, Host

Tens of thousands. And so if you're sitting in this space where you're listening to this and you're thinking, Wow, I just don't even know how she can go on, reach out to her because have a conversation with her and just see if there's a connection there because she gets it. She understands. And what are some of the obstacles that might get in your way is you might be afraid that if you open up this deeply with someone else, you're going to crack into a million pieces like Humpty Dumpty. Well, you know what? Peggy's here to make sure that you don't. She's here, like she said, to take you by the hand and to really hold you up and hold you together as you're processing through this. You might be fearful that my family doesn't understand and they're on a different path. What if I take this journey and we're on this different path? That's okay. People are on different paths when you're grieving. But Peggy can help you with all of that. I just want you to know that Peggy is here for you. This is what she's doing. We go through challenges in life so that we can step into our purpose, our life purpose, our souls purpose.

[00:30:46.650]

And sometimes it's great tragedy that propels us to that. Peggi gets it. She understands. She's a beautiful soul. She will love you through all of this. I really encourage you to get her book, reach out to her. We have all of the information down below. Okay. Well, thank you so much, Peggy. This is a joy. And I'm forever grateful that we have connected and now have this friendship over the last year. And that'll be going forward. I know. Yeah.

[00:31:17.740] - Peggy Green, Guest

And thank you, Pat. I appreciate it. And that we are serving others and working in this field of helping others. It's a unique field because we just never learned how to breathe and how to help others. So I appreciate you as well. You are wonderful in the work that you're doing as well. Thank you. All right.

[00:31:36.910] - Pat Sheveland, Host

Thank you, everybody.

Contact us:

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The Confident Grief Coach School: www.healingfamilygrief.com