You may or may not have noticed there wasn’t a new episode last week.
Maybe you’ve been around long enough to know I haven’t missed a week in over 2.5 years, really, 3 years at least if you count the FB lives I did each Saturday before the podcast came along.
There’s been a shift in my heart, and I wanna talk about that today and what that means for The Jar Podcast, for you, and for me.
Resources mentioned by Dr. Carol:
Sexpectations course: Learn how to address your sexual story with honesty and compassion and write the next chapter with hope.
Having the Sex Talk with Your Spouse
Find a local Re|engage group near you!
Loads of Love, Lydia
--> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show!
--> Leave a 5-star rating & written review
--> Leave me a SpeakPipe question!
--> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
I don’t think anybody goes through a painful experience in their life and thinks, “Wow, this is a good thing I”m going through right now” or “Wow, this pain is really serving a purpose.”
I don’t think that perspective is often a first instinct, but it doesn’t mean that the pain that you’re going through right now in your marriage or in your heart is for no reason.
In fact, pain can be a gift that we can actually use to start healing.
Loads of Love, Lydia
--> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show!
--> Leave a 5-star rating & written review
--> Leave me a SpeakPipe question!
--> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
Have you felt like you’ve worked really hard to be a good wife?
You take care of all the things.
You keep up the house.
You read marriage books.
You listen to podcasts.
You check the boxes and set more goals.
But you feel like all your hard work is for nothing, like a deficit or you've overdrawn your relationship bank account. And it’s left you feeling pretty discouraged…
Piggy backing off of last week’s episode about how to cultivate contentment, this episode will get a little bit deeper, to more of the the root behind WHY there may be discontentment and offer 3 biblical lessons to apply to your marriage and battle your discouragement.
Loads of Love, Lydia
--> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show!
--> Leave a 5-star rating & written review
--> Leave me a SpeakPipe question!
--> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
Last week I went mountain biking for the first time. I was visiting my boss for a midyear work retreat and after a full morning of working, we put the bikes on the back of the car and headed to the trail.
In between some iffy moments, some bumps and scrapes and pauses to catch our breath, she’d say at every sharp turn or near any ledge “where you look is where you steer, so look ahead, not right in front of you.”
Which got me thinking… where is your focus in your marriage and where is it steering you?
When things get rocky or steep, sometimes it’s easy to focus on each obstacle, get discouraged by each slip, get impatient when you have to slow down, wish you were already to the downhill portion.
Discontentment can begin to creep in and skew the beauty around us. It’s hard to be content when things are precarious, when circumstances or behaviors are disruptive, or our relationships are rocky. But it’s possible.
Here are 4 ways to cultivate contentment in your marriage.
Loads of Love, Lydia
--> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show!
--> Leave a 5-star rating & written review
--> Leave me a SpeakPipe question!
--> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
Some call it sassy. Some say it’s strong-willed. Others call it normal. When a wife purses her lips and puts her hands on her hips and corrects, finger shakes, eye-rolls, bites back with a comeback, or gives “the look.” The husband appeases, sits back, gives in, or avoids. She throws her hands up and exasperation.
Society can take this behavior and even create comedy routines out of it. Social media pokes fun with Reels and calls it #relatable. But is it excusable? If something is so normal… is it wrong? Don’t all wives get upset, get a little snippy, or sassy?
How’s that workin' for you, friend? Are these attitudes and angry moments making your marriage stronger? Are you ok with your words, thoughts, and actions in those moments or do you often feel guilty or wish you knew a better way to communicate?
Take a deep breath– let’s talk about where your anger’s really coming from, understand it, and then learn how to regulate your emotions so you can calmly communicate with your husband.
Loads of Love, Lydia
--> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show!
--> Leave a 5-star rating & written review
--> Leave me a SpeakPipe question!
--> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
Does Your Husband Expect Sex Even When You Don’t Want It?
Have you experienced trauma in you past that makes intimacy difficult for you?
You want him to feel fulfilled but you just don’t enjoy it?
You WANT this area of your marriage to be healthy, strong and comfortable, but there’s a lot to unpack. You WANT to open up to your husband about it, but you also don’t want to make him feel bad… plus, it’s just plain embarrassing sometimes!
Whether it’s a phase of life, low libido, damage or baggage from past relationships, or your own past sin, this is NOT what you expected for your sex life in marriage. Whether you’re an exhausted mom of littles just trying to make it to bedtime with nothing left over, a newlywed just trying to figure this out, or a busy mom of teens chauffering everyone all over the place and managing all the schedules… this is for you.
Let’s hear from Dr. Carol Tanksley today on this one super important factor that can lead to healing and a healthier intimacy with your husband.
Resources mentioned by Dr. Carol:
Sexpectations course: Learn how to address your sexual story with honesty and compassion and write the next chapter with hope.
Having the Sex Talk with Your Spouse
Loads of Love, Lydia
--> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show!
--> Leave a 5-star rating & written review
--> Leave me a SpeakPipe question!
--> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
You think you’ve gotten away with it… maybe he didn’t notice how you side-skirted the truth. He was so focused on getting his point across that he ignored the eye roll you just gave him.
Man, he sure gets angry. Did you hear what he said?! He knows his actions were hurtful but he keeps doing them! You walk away from the conversation and around the house the rest of the day quietly fuming about what he did wrong.
But girl, aren’t you tired of your own reactions?
Aren’t you sick of your outbursts or your attitude?
Caught in a cycle of pitting your sins against his and keeping tabs on who’s better? You keep a running list and his is pages long, while yours could apparently fit on a post-it note.
Last week we talked about how to make an effective apology, and today’s topic is along the same lines, but perhaps even a precursor to making an apology or… an apology at a deeper level, on a broader scale. This goes beyond the in-the-moment or minor mistakes or mean words to say you’re sorry for, but zooms out a bit to an overall view of the issue really going on… and spoiler alert: the record shows the score’s a little closer than you might’ve thought.
But this ONE thing we’re talking about today will help you begin to put an end to or slow down the tit-for-tat, the record-keeping, finger-pointing, and blaming.
Loads of Love, Lydia
--> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show!
--> Leave a 5-star rating & written review
--> Leave me a SpeakPipe question!
--> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
You and your husband have just been fighting or you did or said something that was unkind. Maybe you’re keeping something from him.
Either way, you’re feeling the tension, the space between you, and the guilt is getting heavy.
You know you need to apologize. You think you understand your part in the conflict. You’re willing to take ownership, and you recognize the wrong on your end.
You want to say you’re sorry and get rid of the weight of the guilt and work toward a resolution… but you’re nervous. You’re scared to apologize. You’re worried about feeling rejected by your husband and maybe a little embarrassed. You’re not sure he’ll forgive you and actually, HE needs to apologize too!
Today we’re gonna talk about 3 steps you can take to make an effective apology, from a place of strength instead of shame.
Loads of Love, Lydia
--> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show!
--> Leave a 5-star rating & written review
--> Leave me a SpeakPipe question!
--> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
Is your marriage unprotected and at risk for the enemy to attack? Or your own sin causing damage or destruction from the inside out? How do you fight back?
I know you want to feel safe. I know you want your marriage to be healed, your heart to be whole, and for restoration to be possible.
Today we’re countering the 4 dangers I mentioned last week with 4 ways to protect and safeguard your marriage from destruction.
Loads of Love, Lydia
--> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show!
--> Leave a 5-star rating & written review
--> Leave me a SpeakPipe question!
--> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
I’m guessing you probably lock your front door at night, right?
Do you lock your car when you park at the store?
Maybe you don’t struggle with thoughts like “I better not sit with my back to the door” or “What’s the plan if there’s an intruder or a mass shooter” like I do, but I’m sure in today’s society it’s a bit more prevalent than it was even 3 years ago.
You’re on guard. You’re more vigilant. You’re even leary and skeptical, at best: you’re prepared and on high alert, ready for anything.
What about in your marriage?
Are you just as protective of it as you are your house? Do you have a routine and habits in place to safeguard it, “locking doors” relationally as you do physically?You might be able to list a few dangers you know you could recognize quickly… but are you aware of both internal and external threats?
I know you want to protect your marriage from things that could destroy it or tear it apart.
I can tell you these are 4 dangers I wish I would’ve been more aware of before they wrecked mine… and they might be causing damage to yours right now.
Loads of Love, Lydia
--> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show!
--> Leave a 5-star rating & written review
--> Leave me a SpeakPipe question!
--> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
Do you need a safe place where you can be vulnerable with your struggles in marriage without feeling judged, shamed, or embarrassed?
Ideally, it’s great to be able to do that in person with community in your church, but I know what it’s like to feel like you belong in the back or skip church altogether because what you’ve done is just too bad or shameful.
Not here, sis. Come join the Christian Wife and Marriage Community and get biblical guidance, encouragement, and prayer that can help you heal and find your identity and wholeness in Christ.
Loads of Love,
Lydia
You and your husband are sitting at the dining room table or in bed, or, our favorite place to have difficult discussions or arguments: the couch. The conversation is escalating, feelings are getting hurt, and you’re feeling more and more confused.
What were we originally fighting about?
Why is this communication thing so HARD?!
You feel misunderstood and that he’s misinterpreting everything you’re saying, and, if you’re being honest with yourself, you might be misinterpreting some things he’s saying (even though in the moment you won’t admit it).
What is going wrong here??
Today we’re talking about two elements of communication that are a 2-step process that help make your communication more effective and lead to mutual understanding rather than confusion!
Loads of Love, Lydia
--> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show!
--> Leave a 5-star rating & written review
--> Leave me a SpeakPipe question!
--> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
Do you consider yourself dependent, codependent, independent to a fault, or independent and proud of it? Whether it's physical, emotional, social, etc. Where you fall?
Kinda like Goldilocks and the 3 Bears…
And, is there a healthier way?
There is!
Today we’re going to just scratch the surface with the first step to building a healthy INTERdependence in your marriage.
Loads of Love, Lydia
--> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show!
--> Leave a 5-star rating & written review
--> Leave me a SpeakPipe question!
--> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
It probably wouldn’t take you long to think of a mistake you’ve made in your marriage, a sin you committed, a moment of selfish action that you wish you could take back, or some poor choices you aren’t proud of.
Whether it’s a string of explosive words during an argument, the angry look you gave, retaliating in bitterness, or the worst form of betrayal, no matter how justified you feel in the moment, regret inevitably sets in.
You know that feeling that comes immediately after: the sinking pit, that heat rising to your cheeks, the strong urge to run and hide?
Then there’s the lingering side effects you can’t seem to kick: the restless nights, the tears, the feeling sick to your stomach, the distance between you and the other person.
Regret can wreck you. It can ruin a relationship almost as much as, if not more than, the sin originally committed, the wrong initially done.
What if instead of letting it wreck you, instead of it holding you back from having the marriage you want, you actually used it to your advantage? What if it actually made your marriage better?
Related episodes:
Hypocrite or Holy Transformation? 4 Ways to Tell If It's Real Change
GIRL, Get Off the Spinning Wheel! What to Do When Sin Has a Hold on You
Loads of Love, Lydia
--> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show!
--> Leave a 5-star rating & written review
--> Leave me a SpeakPipe question!
--> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
How do you know what a healthy marriage is?
What would you say constitutes a healthy, God-centered relationship?
How do you get healthy if you don’t know what healthy looks like?
It’s time to gain some insight and learn from an example.
Today I’m bringing to you, my parents, who are celebrating their 39th wedding anniversary today!
Loads of Love, Lydia
--> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show!
--> Leave a 5-star rating & written review
--> Leave me a SpeakPipe question!
--> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
“I try so hard to work on communicating better with my husband. I don’t understand why I still can’t manage to have a happy marriage.”
“I deserve to have a good marriage, so why am I struggling with loving my husband? After all, isn’t this marriage a blessing from God?”
“I’m tired of being the one making an effort. I’ve tried so hard to do what the Bible says, so why hasn’t God made my marriage easier?”
“I just did all the laundry, put groceries away, cooked dinner, and kept the kids alive. Don’t I deserve to take a break?”
You don’t sound very happy, Linda. You sound disappointed in your marriage, with your husband, and even with God. I’m right, aren’t I? You’re starting to get uncomfortable, aren’t you?
I see you… cuz I’ve been you, and I get it. We think we deserve some things from our husbands, and even from God. We should get a certain outcome for our hard work.
Y’all. I’ma tell you why you might be feeling this way today’s episode, but, Linda, listen. I’m saying this with the same tough love I needed and still need sometimes:
Girl, you've an attitude problem (and so do I). We’re gonna dive deep today into something we don’t like to admit and may not want others to know about us as wives sometimes. Let’s check our pride at the door and talk about it.
Loads of Love, Lydia
--> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show!
--> Leave a 5-star rating & written review
--> Leave me a SpeakPipe question!
--> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
It’s all fun and games and “inspiration” in the beginning:
Til someone gets hurt…
Who said what she has isn’t enough and she has to have the next new thing?
Who said the news knows everything and we have to be inundated with “information” if it leads to anxiety and fear?
Who’s saying those things and holding your attention? Who’s influencing you? What’s really behind the bad attitude or the change in behavior?
Without knowing it, you may be imitating the wrong thing and becoming discontent or unsatisfied in your marriage or life.
Today we’re gonna dig into at least one of the reasons and some truth behind why that’s happening.
You might need some tough skin and big girl pants on today. Go grab your coffee and let’s do this.
Loads of Love, Lydia --> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show! --> Leave a 5-star rating & written review --> Leave me a SpeakPipe question! --> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
I remember the feeling: it’s over.
There’s no way our marriage can bounce back from THAT.
There’s no way I can forgive him after what he’s done. He’ll never forgive me for what I’ve done. Too much damage. Too much pain. He isn’t even talking to me, and we’ve been separated for months! We’ve already met with our lawyers. We’ve already started to sign the papers!
It’s done.
Not so fast, Linda. Listen. That was me. Those words came out of MY mouth 8 years ago. And if you’ve said some of those same things, then, girl… my heart hurts for you and knows that pain so well.
I posted a testimony in a couple of groups on Facebook the other day, on a special anniversary for my husband and me. No, not our wedding anniversary, but one of our benchmarks, one of our altars built during our reconciliation journey. And that post is causing a little bit of a stir…
Just when you think it’s too late for you and your husband, I hope that you, too, will leave inspired and know that there is HOPE, still.
Loads of Love, Lydia
--> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show!
--> Leave a 5-star rating & written review
--> Leave me a SpeakPipe question!
--> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
He’s not exactly throwing a temper tantrum, but pretty darn close to it. You know those moments when your husband says or does something that just seems… immature. You’re minding your business or you’re doing what you do and suddenly he is sulking about something or getting loud and upset about something. It seems so out of left field or disproportionate to the actual circumstances, and it’s draining.
He can’t seem to figure it out or work through it, and he expects you to help him out of it or worse, is treating you as a scapegoat to whatever is going on in him. You’ve tried ignoring it, but that hasn’t helped. You’ve tried telling him it’s not your problem. THAT made it worse. And in your frustration of his prolonged silence, pouty mood, or angry outbursts, you’ve ended up calling his immaturity out and tell him to get over it and figure it out.
You’ve got enough kids to deal with and teach how to handle their emotions, you don’t have time and energy for another one, an adult, who should know better, right?
I know you’re tired, friend. I know you’ve been spinning your wheels on how to help him change or even see how immature he’s being or how it affects the family and you’re just… over it.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and this won’t be fixed or resolved that quickly either, but these steps will begin to help you handle his moments of immaturity in a mature way, in a God-honoring way, and with consistency, you’ll begin to see some change.
Loads of Love, Lydia
--> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show!
--> Leave a 5-star rating & written review
--> Leave me a SpeakPipe question!
--> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community
“God, I’m tempted to lose hope because my dreams are shattered. I’m in so much pain, but I don’t see you fixing things, and that hurts, too. I know you see my pain but I wonder if you’ll do anything about it. I question your plan, why you aren’t stepping in or healing this.”
I wrote these words in my journal during a time about 8 years ago when God felt silent.
Have you ever felt like God is silent in your struggle or pain? Doesn’t He care? Doesn’t He see you’re hurting, lonely, and rejected? You hold onto hope with everything you have. You cry out in anger – but God seems so distant. Why isn’t God answering? Isn’t He listening? Why is He silent? The silence after a noisy, traumatic event like a marriage ending, an admission, a confession, or a long, cold distance in your marriage, leaves you in shock, feeling abandoned and surrounded by deafening silence.
What do you do now? Suffer in silence?
If you’re in a season of silence, feeling like God just isn’t interested in your suffering or in healing or restoring anything in your life, here are 4 steps to follow when God seems silent.
Loads of Love, Lydia --> FOLLOW so you don't miss a show! --> Leave a 5-star rating & written review --> Leave me a SpeakPipe question! --> Join the Christian Wife and Marriage Facebook community