WELL WE'RE TFP, AND WE'RE BACK FROM THE DEAD to tell you what's been up with us and also read you An Poime! Also, Nick finally admits the Joker was right, the true source of all bad jokes is discovered and we learn about Casey's shocking ties to a dinosaur nobody's ever friggin' heard of! The Final Podblem is cohosted by Nicholas Cohen and Casey Hills, who also edits and produces it. Find it and more of our shows on the Semiautomagic Podcast Network at semiautomagicinc.com, follow our twitter @TheFinalPodblem, email us at TheFinalPodblem@gmail.com and find our Patreon at patreon.com/semiautomagic, where you can become a patron to support the show, get early episodes and exclusive content!

This episode is dedicated to the memory of Nick's Nana. She was the best. Holmes and Watson are called upon to see why a dude is acting so weird! Quit being weird, guy! Also there's a VERY GOOD DOG and TWO HORSES THAT ARE BROTHERS and, as if you hadn't guessed yet, A MUMMY. We didn't even make any of those up! We also comparison-shop possibly regional sandwich chains, plan to take drugs for the amusement of others and create some friggin' ambiance up in here. Free text of this week's story: https://www.dfw-sherlock.org/uploads/3/7/3/8/37380505/1927_april_the_adventure_of_shoscombe_old_place.pdf Free audio of this week's story: https://librivox.org/the-memoirs-of-sherlock-holmes-by-sir-arthur-conan-doyle-2/ The Final Podblem is cohosted by Nicholas "Cage The Tomato Plant" Cohen and Casey "Anglin' Anglicans" Hills, who also edits and produces it. Find it and more of our shows on the Semiautomagic Podcast Network at semiautomagicinc.com, follow our twitter @TheFinalPodblem, email us at TheFinalPodblem@gmail.com and find our Patreon at patreon.com/semiautomagic, where you can become a patron to support the show, get early episodes and exclusive content!

We felt that this was one of the best and maybe most important preshows we’ve ever done, and so we have BROKEN THE BINDINGS OF TRADITION like so many front teeth chipping against the glass pitcher-rim of Great Need, when all we wanted was a friggin’ sip of grape Kool-Aid, which here represents mental health advocacy and gorillas.

Holmes and Watson are hired to suss out the source of a stock-sorceeror's spouse's sudden and suspicious skulking and skulduggery in their secluded summer seat, and end up asking the question that all men must face eventually: How much is that monster in the window? Also, we delve into the Great Horse Factory Explosion of '82, the inevitability of being Nicholas Cohen, and how this story is an instance of Arthur Conan Doyle implementing the Scrappy-Doo Gambit. We apologize in advance for Casey confusing the Michael Keaton and the Val Kilmer; when asked to defend his actions he threw a smoke bomb to the floor and hid behind a nearby potted plant. Free e-text of this week's story: https://sherlock-holm.es/stories/pdf/a4/1-sided/yell.pdf Free audio of this week's story: https://librivox.org/the-memoirs-of-sherlock-holmes-version-2-by-sir-arthur-conan-doyle/ The Final Podblem is cohosted by Nicholas "Oops, All Lasers" Cohen and Casey 'Cause of Death: Horse Factory Explosion' Hills, who also edits and produces it. Find it and more of our shows on the Semiautomagic Podcast Network at semiautomagicinc.com, follow our twitter @TheFinalPodblem, email us at TheFinalPodblem@gmail.com and find our Patreon at patreon.com/semiautomagic, where you can become a patron to support the show, get early episodes and exclusive content!

We briefly discuss a confusingly bad, racist story, then bury it in the shallow grave it deserves and instead explore how to responsibly enjoy problematic media (it's not hard!), how to learn about people whose experience is different from yours (ask them!) and what on earth is wrong with people who get mad when their media become inclusive (almost everything!). We're not linking to this story because it's racist garbage you don't need in your life! If you wanna read it on your own, feel free. Pods & Ends: -The Marrow of Tradition, by Charles Chesnutt -Born A Crime, by Trevor Noah The Final Podblem is cohosted by Nicholas ‘I'm Gonna Go Steal India’ Cohen and Casey ‘The Dinkleberg Refutation’ Hills, who also edits and produces it. Find it and more of our shows on the Semiautomagic Podcast Network at semiautomagicinc.com, follow our twitter @TheFinalPodblem, email us at TheFinalPodblem@gmail.com and find our Patreon at patreon.com/semiautomagic, where you can become a patron to support the show, get early episodes and exclusive content!

Special guest Paul Thomas Miller of the Watsonian Weekly podcast joins us to discuss one of the wildest tales we've encountered yet, and also tricks us into agreeing to start another podcast, buying his book and playing a cruel new game that takes advantage of our American weakness toward dipthongs, resulting in double damage and the 'illiterate' status effect. WHO stole the Crown Diamond, and can they be stopped before melting it down in Royal Crown Cola? HOW does the architecture of 221B Baker Street seem not only to accommodate but to anticipate Holmes' every camouflage need? WHERE can one get waxen busts of Jeremy Brett, preferably in bulk, this question purely research and Nick definitely didn't ask me to include it? Answers to some, fake lies to others and spaghetti for everyone await in this week's episode! The Final Podblem is cohosted by Nicholas ‘Borderline Canadian’ Cohen and Casey ‘Here To Talk About 'Stache Wax’ Hills, who also edits and produces it, and they're joined in this episode by Paul "Sherlofty Aspirations" Miller. Find it and more of our shows on the Semiautomagic Podcast Network at semiautomagicinc.com, follow our twitter @TheFinalPodblem, email us at TheFinalPodblem@gmail.com and find our Patreon at patreon.com/semiautomagic, where you can become a patron to support the show, get early episodes and exclusive content!

Special Guest and Chairperson of the Kitty Winter Fanclub Liz Leighton STORMS THE PODCAST to discuss The Adventure of the Illustrious Client with us! Did you cats know there’s a show called Elementary? ‘CAUSE YOU’RE SURE GONNA AFTER THIS. Also we explore Victorian gaslighting, which has less to do with lampposts than you might think, how relationships are weird and the original binder full of women! Free e-text of this week’s story: http://gutenberg.net.au/ebooks01/0100291.txt Free audio of this week’s story: https://librivox.bookdesign.biz/book/111099 The Final Podblem is cohosted by Nicholas ‘The Most Dangerous Grunt In London’ Cohen and Casey ‘The Big Book of Ming’ Hills, who also edits and produces it. Find it and more of our shows on the Semiautomagic Podcast Network at semiautomagicinc.com, follow our twitter @TheFinalPodblem, email us at TheFinalPodblem@gmail.com and find our Patreon at patreon.com/semiautomagic, where you can become a patron to support the show, get early episodes and exclusive content!

Special Guest and Chairperson of the Kitty Winter Fanclub Liz Leighton STORMS THE PODCAST to discuss The Adventure of the Illustrious Client with us! Did you cats know there’s a show called Elementary? ‘CAUSE YOU’RE SURE GONNA AFTER THIS. Also we explore Victorian gaslighting, which has less to do with lampposts than you might think, how relationships are weird and the original binder full of women! Free e-text of this week’s story: http://gutenberg.net.au/ebooks01/0100291.txt Free audio of this week’s story: https://librivox.bookdesign.biz/book/111099 The Final Podblem is cohosted by Nicholas ‘The Most Dangerous Grunt In London’ Cohen and Casey ‘The Big Book of Ming’ Hills, who also edits and produces it. Find it and more of our shows on the Semiautomagic Podcast Network at semiautomagicinc.com, follow our twitter @TheFinalPodblem, email us at TheFinalPodblem@gmail.com and find our Patreon at patreon.com/semiautomagic, where you can become a patron to support the show, get early episodes and exclusive content!

Hahaha what do you mean, listener, OF COURSE this was all recorded in the same session, why would the world DISSOLVING AROUND US impact our ability to maintain a recording schedule? Nick was simply inside an old pineapple can for the first half, as is the way of his people! Anyway THERE'S BEEN A MURDER at the Abbey Grange, but ALL IS NOT AS IT SEEMS, even though it SEEMS THERE WAS A MURDER Okay it's--it's PARTIALLY as it seems??? SOME things are as they seem, including the Sinister Silver Swan, our Fantasy Dad Rosters and everyone's favorite good-time club bop, an extended discussion about moral and ethical philosophy! ALSO hear about a real-life steampunk Ocean’s 11 jailbreak heist that very nearly happened! Free e-text of this week's story: https://sherlock-holm.es/stories/pdf/a4/1-sided/abbe.pdf Free audio of this week's story: https://librivox.org/the-return-of-sherlock-holmes-by-sir-arthur-conan-doyle-2/ PODS & ENDS: Omnibus Episode 79: The Saint Helena Submarine Plot The Final Podblem is cohosted by Nicholas ‘It Always Comes Back To Crabs’ Cohen and Casey 'Boom, Church of England' Hills, who also edits and produces it. Find it and more of our shows on the Semiautomagic Podcast Network at semiautomagicinc.com, follow our twitter @TheFinalPodblem, email us at TheFinalPodblem@gmail.com and find our Patreon at patreon.com/semiautomagic, where you can become a patron to support the show, get early episodes and exclusive content!

***CW: This episode contains a brief instance of airhorns and also of Hello! Ma Baby***It was only a matter of time. A young lawyer learns he’s a murderer in the midst of his commute: ARE WE NOT OBLIGATED TO ASSUME IT WAS WHILE LISTENING TO THIS VERY PODCAST?Lestrade tries on a new look: THAT OF SOMEBODY WHO DOESN’T SUCK AT HIS JOB.Nick and Casey bring you: UNSOLICITED FACTS ABOUT FAMOUS MUSICALS including SECRET VOICE-DOUBLING and the SHOCKING SHARED ORIGINS OF SWEENEY TODD AND FIDDLER ON THE ROOF.We also do our best to thoroughly intimidate BELOVED DERANGED MERCHANT-PRINCE Brad Kefauver, who has had it TOO GOOD FOR TOO LONG.PODS & ENDS:-Firemen: they’re hunky, and it’s safe to say they would be with British accents too.-Creative Home Engineering, for all your secret passage, oubliette and hidden laboratory needs-House of Leaves, Mark Z. Danielewski Free e-text of this week’s story: https://sherlock-holm.es/stories/pdf/a4/1-sided/norw.pdf Free audio of this week’s story: https://librivox.org/the-return-of-sherlock-holmes-by-sir-arthur-conan-doyle/ The Final Podblem is cohosted by Nicholas ‘Muscle Gay Genie’ Cohen and Casey 'Flawless Cake Of I-Told-You-So' Hills, who also edits and produces it. Find it and more of our shows on the Semiautomagic Podcast Network at semiautomagicinc.com, follow our twitter @TheFinalPodblem, email us at TheFinalPodblem@gmail.com and find our Patreon at patreon.com/semiautomagic, where you can become a patron to support the show, get early episodes and exclusive content!

WHERE has an independently wealthy NOMADIC DAME gone? WHOMST is the BESTIAL, BYRONIC BRITON stalking her across Europe’s naturally-occurring hotels? WHY’M’STD’VE would Holmes stay home and send Watson on a romantic train ride ALL BY HIMS LONESOME when he could be sitting right beside him, pointing out which sheep had clearly been born on Tuesdays? Come join Nick and Casey as they discover the answers to these PUZZLEMENTS, as well as exploring DARING AND NEW donut shapes, enumerating the THREE KINDS of Twilight Zone episode, and the INCREASINGLY IMPROBABLE ways in which their lives have intertwined without their knowledge, featuring on this occasion A CATHEDRAL IN SWISSERLAND, it’s wild. PODS & ENDS: Smoke Gets In Your Eyes: And Other Lessons From The Crematory by Caitlin Doughty The Detective Soup of the Week is: Your choice of HOTEL HAM or BURIAL-SHROUD BISQUE Free e-text of this week’s story: http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/2348 Free audio of this week’s story: https://librivox.org/his-last-bow-version-3-by-sir-arthur-conan-doyle/ The Final Podblem is cohosted by Nicholas “The King of Casketball” Cohen and Casey 'Dracula’s Realtor' Hills, who also edits and produces it. Find it and more of our shows on the Semiautomagic Podcast Network at semiautomagicinc.com, follow our twitter @TheFinalPodblem, email us at TheFinalPodblem@gmail.com and find our Patreon at patreon.com/semiautomagic, where you can become a patron to support the show, get early episodes and exclusive content!

It’s true what the old adage says: THOSE WHO LIVE IN EMPTY HOUSES SHOULDN’T THROW WEIRD OLD MEN SELLING BOOKS.Holmes returns from his watery grave and HAS HE GOT A BUST TO PICK WITH YOU, an INNOCENT GAMBLESMAN lies DEAD AS THE DAY IS LONG, Nick examines the HANDSOME-TO-EVIL RATIO, and the Baker Street Bois face off against a foe that just in this moment I realize I am BAFFLED we didn’t compare to Kraven the Hunter like we did that other guy, MAN what a missed opportunity. The Detective Soup of the Week is: HOLMES ALONE HUMMUS (Hummus soup is a thing, we checked, we take our weekly novelty soups seriously) Free e-text of this week’s story: https://www.gutenberg.org/files/108/108-h/108-h.htm Free audio of this week’s story: https://librivox.org/the-return-of-sherlock-holmes-by-sir-arthur-conan-doyle-2/ PODS & ENDS: Night Watch by Sergei Lukyanenko. Tiger Time was brought to you by special guest Vaun Warbear, who can be found SMOOCHIN’ ON NICK or, when the weather’s nice, out in the woods letting the moss grow over him. More information about tigers and the saving of them can be found at SaveTigersNow.org! The kerning in this font when it’s bolded makes Ti look like the pi symbol! ACCIDENTAL LIFE OF PI REFERENCE??? We are not in a position to turn such a thing down and will TAKE THE POINTS, YOUR HONOR. The Final Podblem is cohosted by Nicholas ‘The Extremely Difficult To Embarrass, Like For Real, Don’t Even Try’ Cohen and Casey 'CW' Hills, who also edits and produces it. Find it and more of our shows on the Semiautomagic Podcast Network at semiautomagicinc.com, follow our twitter @TheFinalPodblem, email us at TheFinalPodblem@gmail.com and find our Patreon at patreon.com/semiautomagic, where you can become a patron to support the show, get early episodes and exclusive content!

AT LAST, the thing our stupid faces have WANTED to say every time we've tried to say the name of this dumb show is UPON US, and NONE WILL BE SPARED. CAN Holmes and Watson survive the MALEVOLENT MACHINATIONS of the mysterious Moriarty? DID Mycroft rent that cabbie outfit or is it one of those things where if you masquerade as a hansom driver more than like three times a year, owning your own is just more cost effective? WILL the 1:15 Swiss Boy be on time? And Nick levels the most piercing question of all at himself, his cohost, the audience and the world: WOULD you download a dragon? Oh also we examine the nature of fandom and its tendency towards toxicity as well as the narrative mechanics of reading a story that was supposed to be a finale while knowing that it wasn't, it's actually a really interesting episode and we're pretty proud of it. The Detective Soup of the Week is: PRECARIOUS PRECIPICE PHỞ Free e-text of this week's story: https://sherlock-holm.es/stories/pdf/a4/1-sided/fina.pdf Free audio of this week's story: https://librivox.org/the-memoirs-of-sherlock-holmes-by-sir-arthur-conan-doyle-2/ The Final Podblem is cohosted by Nicholas Cohen and Casey 'CW' Hills, who also edits and produces it. Find it and more of our shows on the Semiautomagic Podcast Network at semiautomagicinc.com, follow our twitter @TheFinalPodblem, email us at TheFinalPodblem@gmail.com and find our Patreon at patreon.com/semiautomagic, where you can become a patron to support the show, get early episodes and exclusive content!

TO LISTEN TO EPISODE, SET YOUR DECODER-PANTS TO CONSTELLATION PERFECT RED PRINCE, CALIBRATE YOUR THIRD NOSTRIL AND RECITE THE OATH OR PAY THE PRICE There's TROUBLE IN THE VALLEY and its NAME IS--its--w--ah; our legal team is advising us not to finish this sentence, BUT SUFFICE IT TO SAY: herein lies a TALE OF TRAGEDY, MURDER and COUNTERFEIT COUNTERFEITING. We also find out what percentage of the world is made of crime! The answer may surprise you! The Detective Soup of the Week is: FRATERNAL FRENCH ONION Free e-text of this week's story: http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/3289 Free audio of this week's story: https://librivox.org/the-valley-of-fear-version-3-by-sir-arthur-conan-doyle/ The Final Podblem is cohosted by Nicholas Cohen and Casey 'CW' Hills, who also edits and produces it. Find it and more of our shows on the Semiautomagic Podcast Network at semiautomagicinc.com, follow our twitter @TheFinalPodblem, email us at TheFinalPodblem@gmail.com and find our Patreon at patreon.com/semiautomagic, where you can become a patron to support the show, get early episodes and exclusive content!

DESPITE THE BEST EFFORTS of 2019 and A LITERAL CRIMINAL, we are BACK and here to tell you about A THPOOKY VALLEY, which is presumably where that gross ranch dressing comes from. Who murdered this gentle yuppie in his gaudy forest castle? Which network will be brave enough to give us a sitcom about My Three Detectives sharing an apartment? WHEN WILL A WOMAN IN ONE OF THESE STORIES GET A FRIGGIN' NAME? Free e-text of this week's story: http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/3289 Free audio of this week's story: https://librivox.org/the-valley-of-fear-version-3-by-sir-arthur-conan-doyle/ The Detective Soup of the Week is: Drawbridge Duck Broth

A brief update from your favorite we two guys except it’s just one of them, except wait, there’s also a Jasper the Cat and he’s ten pounds of trouble in a one-pound ham. Explanations! Expositions! Book recommendations! PROFESSIONAL-GRADE CAT-FANCYING, featuring NONE of your favorite cats from the recent BAFFLING cinematic extravaganza!

We're joined by delightful goblin Andrew Orsie of Good Game Great Game to discuss a story in which GARRIDEBS AS GARRIDOES, we finally find out what America did with all the U's it took out of the British words it brought with it, and a criminal accidentally sets up a charity while trying to do crimes! (Did we use the apostrophe correctly up there? Is that how one refers collectively to plural instances of individual letters? We mean, otherwise it'd just look like "all the Us", which sounds a lot like a depressing movie of a depressing YA book written by a middleaged white dude with a name like Roseph Blomfzt, right?) Free e-text of this week's story: https://bakerstreet.fandom.com/wiki/Story_Text:_The_Adventure_of_the_Three_Garridebs Free audio of this week's story: https://librivox.bookdesign.biz/book/111099 The Detective Soup of the Week is: Chicago-Style Chili, served in a cowboy hat.

Watson Goes Solo! A baffled clergyman! A DRACULA, AND NOT EVEN THE ONE YOU’D EXPECT! Join us as we discuss a story that ends HORRIFYINGLY, share our disappointment in coins that are less than a thousand years old and RIP CHRISTMAS A NEW ONE, but not for the reasons you’d think. Free e-text of this week’s story: https://www.dfw-sherlock.org/uploads/3/7/3/8/37380505/1927_january_the_adventure_of_the_retired_colourman.pdfFree audio of this week’s story: https://librivox.org/his-last-bow-version-3-by-sir-arthur-conan-doyle/ The Detective Soup Of The Week Is: Painter’s PureeThis Week’s Unused Titles: -Ray Bradbury On Main -We Almost Died, Let’s Eat -Survive Out Of Spite -A Case Of The Bad Brain -A Whole Doublepope Situation -Gimme The Honest Pasta -The Wine Mom Murders

THE DEATH OF SHERLOCK HOLMES, MAYBE! Has Holmes met his match? Has the bond of friendship and brotherhood been stretched too far? Has Holmes FINALLY done too much heroin that, admittedly, Watson legally prescribed to him because the past was RIDICULOUS? Tune in this week and find out! Free e-text of this week's story: http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/2347 Free audio of this week's story: https://librivox.org/his-last-bow-version-3-by-sir-arthur-conan-doyle/ This week's unused episode titles: -Waltersobchakheit -Knickknacks and Gewgaws and Gimcracks -What’s In That Satchel -My Private Redbubble The Detective Soup of the Week is: Malingering Miso