Hentai moaning sounds like dying chipmunks. Like seriously, how do you guys like this stuff. When I watch porn one of the biggest turn ons is the moaning but in hentai the girl sounds like alvin and the chimpunks are getting gangraped by 9 inch dildo wielding transformers. She sounds like she is crying because of the 9 Doritos locos tacos she had at tacobell last night and is desperately trying to not shit herself in a public place. I can’t be the only one who thinks this.
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Perform the act of intercourse on thine self you absolute blithering idiot, you pitiful excuse of a human being, you bring shame upon your family and your friends, if you had any. You reek of an anus after eating too much Taco Bell, you drink toilet water and your mother was a hamster, with all due respects, you are an ugly, disgusting, smelly, poopyheaded, absolute idiot, and your nose looks like a pugs, now get out of my sight before I smack you over the head with a mop, not that it would make you look any different.
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I beat a child. He was just staring at me with his big, stupid face while I ate my delicious 8oz steak. His snot flapping in his nostrils and his eyes blinking out of sync infuriated me. The final straw was when he had the audacity to take a drink of his chocolate milk with his stupid idiot lips. I took my steak knife, which was stained with steak sauce and juices, and I stabbed him in the eyeball 98 times. I then proceeded to dumb an entire bottle of ketchup into his mouth as he screamed in pain. It gurgled with the force of a volcano. Finally, he stopped breathing altogether, and his mother called the police. When the police arrived, I used my half-eaten steak to beat them both to death, then I ran out, stripped off all my clothes, and ran naked through the local daycare, screaming “98 STAB WOUNDS” until I finally was apprehended by the authorities. I am facing 13 life sentences without parole.
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Let's say hypothetically that I am an arizona ranger, and for arguments sake let's assume you are an outlaw by the name of texas red. Now one can assume that I, an arizona ranger and you, texas red, will meet at a quarter past 11. Let's say hypothetically that as an arizona ranger my aim is deadly, with the big iron on my hip. One could assume that you, texas reds only slip was trying to match me, an arizona ranger, with a big iron on my hip
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Earlier today I was really horny, and I saw what I thought to be a blank dvd. I thought, DVDs have a tight hole, they might feel pretty good. So I put my soft pp into the hole of the DVD, and for a few seconds as I started getting harder, it felt pretty good, but then, once I was fully erect, it started being painful. My pp was stuck in the dvd, and I had to break it in half to get if out. It was then when I flipped the broken dvd over and realized that it was not a blank dvd, but a copy of the movie UP.
Well guys, guess I fucked up.
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Here's How Bernie Can Still Win:
Setting: It's the third and final debate. Both candidates got infected but managed to push through and decided they don't want to back down from the final debate even though they are in a weakened state. As the debate progresses you see that they are both struggling harder with each passing minute until the unthinkable happens. Biden collapses and dies on the spot. The shock, the surprise, the terror overcomes Trump and he collapses seconds after Biden; The light turns off for a minute, no sound is heard. All of a sudden music starts playing - it's Back in Black by ACDC, the song that played when AOC endorsed Bernie Sanders. A spotlight turns on and a shadowy emerges from the bottom. The figure walks to the middle of the stage and turns around, staring directly into the camera. It's Bernie Sanders. His only words "I accept your decision." echo through the room as he turns back and walks off stage.
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Ben Shapiro at Olive Garden
Let’s say that, hypothetically, you really did have unlimited breadsticks. Now, since they are unlimited, that means that you will never run out. However, on Earth there is a limited supply of the materials required to make breadsticks. Thus, if I were to attempt to eat as many breadsticks as possible, I would not be able to as eventually you would sell out, am I correct? Now that we have established that there are infinite breadsticks but finite supplies to make them, would it not be reasonable to conclude that you are either breaking the laws of physics, or are lying to me? And since one cannot break the laws of physics, logically you must be lying to me. Facts don’t care about your feelings liberals, you have committed the crime of false advertising and must give me free food or I will inform the authorities.
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Out of all countries that post here Canadians are the ones that piss me off the most. Their entire fucking culture makes no sense. What exactly is it that you do? Wear flannel shirts and slurp syrup? If I think of America I think of guns, pop culture and freedom. Sure, lots of ignorant baboons but at least they wear their retardation like a badge of honor, use it as a cultural identity, their flag promotes the unity of the country with all these stripes and stars. Germany is orderly, a country that prides itself on its rules and their citizens who follow them. It's also the country with the biggest responsibility when it comes to destroying Europe with its two world wars and government sanctioned refugee crisis. Their flag waves strong colors, black, red and gold. A dominant flag for a dominant country. Russia is strong and stubborn to a fault. They live hard lives and don't complain about it. Obviously the entire country is pretty much a shithole but it breeds strong people who can take care of themselves. Their flag represents the cold, the white, the blue but also the burning passion in the red, it all comes together to signify that their country is bleak but there is strength in that. But Canada, what are they fucking known for? Being "nice", i guess? Is that your role in the world? Being fucking nice? That's not an achievement. Everyone can be nice. It's easy to be nice. You just don't have to say anything bad. So what did your fucking country decide to put on their flag to show the entire world what Canada is all about? A leaf. A FUCKING LEAF. You decided that you like to slurp your shitty syrup so damn much that you might as well put the fucking leaf that it's made of on the flag. You don't even respect your own country so why the hell should I?
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Infinite cum.
You sit on the chair to cum, but the cum never stops coming out of your pp. You have to start using tissues every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your pp closed but that makes your pp hurt.
The cum accelerates.
You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors. The doctors call for specialists. The story trends on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances. Your pp fails. People form a cult. Your bed-sheets are finished. Volunteers arrive with tubs and pails. You are completely use to the feeling.
The cum accelerates.
You are moved to a stepladder overlooking a hole in the ground.
The cum accelerates.
The collectors abandon the tubs and pail directly out the window. The cum accelerates. A candlelight vigil forms around your house. One of the workers falls over and can't free himself.
The cum accelerates.
A priest knocks over the stepladder and tackles you out the window. You land in the pool.
The cum accelerates.
The force now propels you forward and upward. Vigil goers grab at your legs. The cum ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event hits 1 million viewers.
The cum accelerates.
You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your house. 60 feet.
The cum accelerates.
The torrent underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live viewers. You try to close up shop but your pp hole disintegrated long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes.
The cum accelerates.
1000 feet. You are now tracked on radar. You try to change your angle of ascent but you should have thought of that way earlier.
The cum accelerates.
4,000 feet. NORAD upgrades to DEF-CON 3. Concentric circles of fire engulf your city.
The cum accelerates.
You have broken the sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no longer take in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60,000 feet. CNN is reporting on all the world records you've broken. 200,000 feet. You are no longer alive.
The cum accelerates.
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i saw exactly 1.09441 square inches of a girls shoulder today. i immediately fell to my knees, as the rush of dopamine signaling my impending earth-shattering orgasm started making me moan loud enough to deafen everyone in the immediate vicinity. what followed was a torrential downpour of every single sperm cell i will ever produce, shot out so hard, that my dick was ripped apart by my ubernut accelerating to 5% the speed of light by the time it left my urethra. it vaporized the girl before cutting through a structural support beam in the school as if it were a nuclear powered angle grinder. the sheer weight of this historical nut, combined with the total destruction of everything in its path, caused the school to collapse, and every female in the state of Illinois to fall pregnant with my children. when the final death toll was tallied, there were 146 deaths, 458 injuries, and over 4 million pregnancies. as i lay dying under the rubble of my school, i rest easy, knowing every one of my sons will repeat my glorious actions.
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My teacher said to me I'm a failure, that I'll never amount to anything. I scoffed at him. Shocked, my teacher asked what was so funny, that my future is on the line. "Well...you see professor" I said as the teacher prepares to laugh at my answer, rebuttal at hand. "I watch Rick and Morty." The class was shocked, they merely watched pleb shows like the big bang theory to feign intelligence, not grasping the humor. "...how? I can't even understand it's sheer nuance and subtlety." "Its simple, my child...WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB!" One other student laughed in the back, I turned to see a who this fellow genius is. It was none other than Albert Einstein.
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Oh, you're straight? Name every girl.
Olivia
Ava
Isabella
Sophia
Charlotte
Mia
Amelia
Harper
Evelyn
Abigail
Emily
Elizabeth
Mila
Ella
Avery
Sofia
Camila
Aria
Scarlett
Victoria
Madison
Luna
Grace
Chloe
Penelope
Layla
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I had to go to the toilet and poop the other day and it was a really hard one like diamond hard. I really like those as i usually dont have to wipe afterwards, anyways i went to the toilet and started pooping but it wouldnt come out. So i started forcing it like really hard, and then it happened. The poop shot out of my anus like a midget out of a cannon straight down into the water. The backsplash is nothing like ive ever experienced before. The water imploded into the bowl of the toilet and suddenly, the backsplash was in the shape of a mushroom cloud. I nuked the toilet. There was so much force that i was actually scared i broke the toilet and shards of ceramic were going to slice up my taint. It happened so fast that i didnt realize what happened to my ass. The feeling was like someone slapped my butt with a frozen blanket. But then the internal damage was starting to settle in. The inside of my asshole felt as if someone shoved a monster energy drink can in. I believe that because of the nuke mushroom tsunami, the ass got flooded like the Yellow River flood of 1887. My butthole has been breached. I didnt know if the feeling of dripping was from water or blood. It hurt, it definitely opened my eyes to how anal must feel and it is not good my friends. Anyways, i checked out the damages and noticed that nothing went missing and there was no blood. As a matter of fact, there was no poop either. Not just missing from my bum, but from the toilet as well. It may have been a ghost turd, it may have bounced out of the toilet and back into my rectum all the way up to the pancreas. All i know, is that i didnt have to wipe.
Thank you.
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Greta Thunberg is the reason I work out. I have this fantasy where we start talking at the UN climate summit after party. We exchange a few pleasantries. She asks what I do. I say I loved her on CNN She laughs. I get my drink.
"Well, see ya," I say and walk away. I've got her attention now. How many guys voluntarily leave a conversation with Greta Thunberg? She touches her neck as she watches me leave.
Later, as the night's dragged on and the coterie of gorgeous narcissists grows increasingly loose, she finds me on the balcony, my bowtie undone, smoking a cigarette.
"Got a spare?" she asks.
"What's in it for me?" I say as I hand her one of my little white ladies. She smiles.
"Conversation with me, duh."
I laugh.
"What's so funny?" she protests.
"Nothing, nothing... It's just... don't you grow tired of the egos?"
"You get used to it," she says, lighting her cigarette and handing me back the lighter.
"What would you do if you weren't a climate change activist?" I ask.
"Teaching, I think."
"And if I was your student, what would I be learning?"
"Discipline," she says quickly, looking up into my eyes, before changing the subject. "Where are you from?"
"Mexico" I say.
"Oh wow. That's lovely."
"It's OK," I admit. "Not everything is to my liking."
"What could possibly be not to your liking in Mexico?" she inquires.
"I don't like sand," I tell her. "It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere."
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Reporter 1: "What's 2+2?"
Trump: "I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. Its terrible. Its just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy but he's like, '10101000101', on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. That I can tell you. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me. OK? Alright. Thank you."
Reporter 1: "But what actually is 2+2?"
Trump: "Siddown. No, siddown. I've already answered your question. Haven't I already answered your question. This is what we get from news reporters, folks. Give me a nice question. Yes - you."
Reporter 2: "Is your name Donald Trump?" Trump: "Now that's a nice question, folks. That's what I want."
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I've been sticking $30 in pennies up my ass for the past 11 years. That's 3,000 pennies a day, 21,000 pennies a week, 1,092,000 pennies a year. To date, that's 12,012,000 pennies. Eight times the population of Nebraska. Those pennies were in my ass! You think you're better than me? Oh, you're not better than me. You handle my ass pennies every day. You pick up my ass pennies for good luck. You throw my ass pennies in fountains and make wishes on them. You give my ass pennies to your little daughter to buy gumballs with. You handle my ass pennies every day. All of you! You ALL handle my ass pennies! Oh, I'll laugh at you before you can laugh at me. Because your pennies have been in my ass.
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Holy fucking shit. I want to bang the minecraft spider so goddamn bad. I can't stand it anymore. Every time I go mining I get a massive erection. I've seen literally every rule 34 post there is of it online. My dreams are nothing but constant fucking sex with the spider. I'm sick of waking up every morning with six nuts in my boxers and knowing that those are nuts that should've been busted inside of the spider's tight asshole. I want it to have my mutant human/spider babies.
Fuck, my fucking mom caught me with the neighbors tarantula. I'd dressed her in my sister's skirt and went to fucking town. She hasn't said a word to me in 10 hours and I'm worried she's gonna take away my Xbox 360 I might not ever get to see spiders again.
Check out The Backrooms Game (Free) by Pie On A Plate Productions here.
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IS YOUR CHILD TEXTING ABOUT MASKS?
WTF = wear that facemask
IMO = indoors mask on
WYM = where’s your mask
CTFU = cover that face up
LMAO = leaving mask always on
DM = dope mask
SMH = superb mask habit
BDSM = bring dad some masks
TYVM = that’s your valiant mask
TMI = that mask is
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I was curious after showering and saw that my mechanical pencil was on the sink (probably from my pant pocket). Don’t know what made me do it, but I thought it would be a good idea to open it up and stick the pencil lead down my pee pee hole. It went in quite easily and I was about to take it out thinking it was a bad idea, but I couldn’t actually pick up the lead. It was a good 3-4 millimetres down and I was starting to panic. I immediately went to a drawer under the sink and got out a pair of tweezers and began trying to pull it out.
It was at this point that it started to sting. Oh it stung like fire, relentless waves and waves of throbbing pain struck me as I, on the verge of tears kept trying to get it out. I only pushed it further in with the tweezers. The pain grew more and I was really panicking now. It felt as if there was acid inside. I turned on the sink and tried washing it out but to no avail. At this point I was ready to just have a breakdown.
Standing there, drenched in water, my manly part on fire as I bit my knee, trying to get a hold of myself. The pain was so bad that I just wanted to cut it all off. I looked around again and saw that there was nothing else that could help me, and I did the only thing I knew how to do.
I sat there, and took the single most painful fap I had ever taken in my entire life. When I finally went off, the pencil lead, now broken in 3 and covered with what looked like blood came out with the cum. It looked terrible but almost immediately the pain stopped and I just sat there, a failed man, covered in my own cum and blood, and cried silently for about 5 minutes.
Lesson learned: NEVER stick pencil lead down your pee pee hole.
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These guys are bullies, plain and simple. Most of them probably grew up without a father figure in their life and it shows.
You need to show them you're not afraid of them (or anything.)
Find a good tattoo/piercing artist in your town. Ask around for who's reputable because an infection is serious business.
Ask him about getting a glans piercing. The glans is the tip of the penis. It will hurt, though there may be numbing spray. It will be like a little metal rod through the pee-opening with two studs on the end.
Next you'll need a bike. A basic mountain bike will do but make sure the seat is adjustable incase your manhood (penis) isn't long enough to reach the front tire.
When you encounter one of these gangs whip out your pee-wee (penis) and let it rub on the spokes of your spinning bike wheel. This will sound like a motor bike (motorcycle) and will startle the thugs/bullies.
The vibrations from the stud on your glans (penis tip) will quickly make you climax/cum. Anyone who sees you cum will be scared of you and your penis tip.
This may sound crazy, but I'm serious. It's gotten me laid twice so far.
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