In our final cut, our intrepid swashbuckler races to stop the dastardly plan to give General Santa Anna back his own gold to buy California, and murder all the peasants that mined it! This time we have dual duels because, while Al is here to set several fires and explosions off in his fight against Captain Love, Don Diego picks up his sword to take down his evil baby-abducting archenemy Don Montero! Along the way, we learn about sword gleams, sword banter, sword scars, exploding animals and kisses from Hollywood royalty! Who will live to spend their lifetime loving the beautiful Elena? Will this movie get all our rapiers or will someone be the foil?? Find out as we wrap up “The Mask of Zorro”!Runtime: 01:52:05 - The End
We are feasting on swords and neighplayers this week! Zorro escapes with the map and is surprised by how properly instructed Elena is! They play a game of flirty swords before Elena is vigorously undressed! After that, Clompy and new friend Tad team up to deliver one of the last old school horse stunt spectaculars! But now it’s personal for Don Diego as he faces off with Don Raphael like it’s an episode of Maury Povich! Will Elena find out who the father is? Saddle up and don’t forget where your hat is! "Robin's Lil Swordloops" is a registered trademark of Swordboys Dot Biz. All rights reserved. Unauthorized use, reproduction, or imitation of this trademark is strictly prohibited.Runtime: 01:36:18 - 01:52:05
At last! The legendary Zorro arrives and we get a spectacular swordfight to talk about this week! But first, we have to discuss: Brazilian steakhouses, Clompy's favorite scene, horse tunes, Elena Origins, Head Jar, removable mustaches, flaming Zs, the sounds of swords, Gymkata, and the literal Mask of Zorro! Get comfortable, grab yourself a glass of isopropyl alcohol, and let the sound of our voices calm you. Only Patreon members get their hair brushed though. Runtime: 01:20:51 - 01:36:18
Welcome to Hell’s Outhouse! No swordplay this week, but something is unsheathed! Fire up the Tango! Al and El hit the floor while Don Diego hits a guard. We learn about Don Raphael's sinister plan and see how massive his secret operation is. So that obviously means that our conversation is mainly about oral histories, Epcot Center, lobby dumps, the Macarena, Dirty Dancing, minor miners, and Three-Fingered Jack's awful disgusting feet. Forgive us, dear listeners. A shameless podcast at your expense... and we hope it won't be the last...Runtime: 01:04:59 - 01:20:51
Banditos! Senoritas! Caballeros! This is a house of God! The Swordboys follow the new Zorro into a confessional booth that has both Al and El looking for any (glory)holiness between them. After he escapes both lust and Love, Al gets a dressing-down from Double D and his whip, before getting a dressing-up for a bougie fiesta where he faces scrutiny from a rouge-y Don Montero. Merry Whipmyth!Runtime: 00:51:49 - 01:04:59
Cue the training montage! The very sexy Don Diego decides to sober Alejandro up after finding him drinking whiskey with limes and salt. But how "Miyagi" are his teachings? Once trained, Zorro Begins by setting his sights on a Black Beauty with hair that matches his own. Will Al be able to claim Torna-dos as his own, and how many soldiers will he accidentally blow up in the process? Los Muchachos Espada are here to break down every moment of this swashbuckling Looney Tune in cut 3 of The Mask of Zorro!
Runtime: 00:33:32 - 00:51:52
We meet the grown Murrieta brothers and their pal Tres Fingers Jack as the pull a scam on a group of Californian soldiers. But their plans are cut short by the appearance of Captain Love. A very ironic name, although he does love killing so I guess he never works a day in his life.
Don Diego slinks out of jail as the evil Don Rafael comes back to California with his daughter, Elena. Don't lose your head in cut two of The Mask of Zorro!
Time for a proper movie! Roberto, Ricardo and Juanathan are back to discuss the ONLY Zorro movie, despite what Legend says: THE MASK OF ZORRO! In this first cut, we are denied Antonio, but the real Zorro arrives first, played by a very agile 61-year-old! We talk Zorro origins, its ties to real history, what sword he uses and of course his gentle steed Clompo! Jess...
Runtime: 00:00:00 - 00:18:03
We come ARMED to our last cut of CONAN THE BARBARIAN! Conan, Subotai and the Wizard prep the beach Home Alone-style to ambush "Tulsa" Doom with the Princess as bait! With a final prayer to Jobu, Conan dispatches Thorgrim and is nearly killed by Rexor but is saved at the last minute by a tall blonde angel! And finally, Conan takes one last trip to Snake Mountain to get his vengeance. CROM!!!!!!!!
Runtime: 01:43:53 - 02:10:16
NEXT UP: THE MASK OF ZORRO
Soup's on! Conan, Valeria, and Subotai make their way into the sunken living room of Thulsa Doom's lair and there are so many questions. How does the fornication room work? How does it smell? What's the secret of the ooze? Why is Thulsa turning into a snake? How many penises does a snake have? And how much gasoline is needed for an Amazonian corpse to explode into flame? CROM!!!
Runtime: 01:29:37 - 01:43:50
Happy belated Easter! Get your Tree of Whoa talk here at Swordboys where the crucifixions come with some tasty crucifixins'! Then the Wizard half-asses some sort of spell to attack Conan's corpse with some ghosties. And finally, after some flexin' and sword kata, the trio head to Thulsa's Temple of Doom to help them get their kitchen nightmares in order. Yes Chef, I mean, CROM!!
Runtime: 01:15:50 - 01:29:37
Conan is alone now, and meets a wizard, adorned in felt skins, trading Clompy in for a couple of humps. After that, he uses his mime skills and attractive pecs to infiltrate the snake cult cast of 100s! But a pointy white hat isn't enough to disguise the enormous barbarian, and so finds himself face-to-face with his greatest enemy! CROM!
Runtime: 00:59:59 - 01:15:50
Enter Valeria! Team Coco picks up another warrior to help them infiltrate the very smelly Snakehole Lounge. After that, it's time for booze, breathable gruel and boning! Finally, Conan, Subotai and Valeria are given a fetch quest to the Mountain of Power which might actually be the very place Conan was going to anyway! CROM!!!
Runtime: 00:40:20 - 00:59:59
Warm yourself next to the fire of Swordboys this week as Travis of the Bow returns for Cut 3 of Conan the Barbarian! After Conan gets some d-erection from a wolfwitch, he meets a surfing thief named Subotai and together they go on a black lotus-influenced rampage through Zamora's livestock. This had better not be Haga! CROM!
Runtime: 00:29:46 - 00:40:20
WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE? Having a Bowboy like Travis to stop by and discuss Cut 2 of Conan the Barbarian! We start with Young Conan strapped to the Wheel of Pain, where his sisyphean struggles turn him into Arnold Schwarzenegger! Eventually he's tossed in a Thunderbowl to fight for his life against various emissaries of Skeletor.
He's trained as a fighter and is rewarded with the pleasures of a woman. Eventually his best friend and slaveowner Tormund releases him and he finds a mysterious cave with a great sword. CROM!!!
Runtime: 00:14:57 - 00:29:46
Let me tell you of the days of high adventure! The Swordboys return to the Hyborian Age and dust off their Arnold impressions for it is finally time to discuss CONAN THE BARBARIAN! Do we even need to say the 1982 version? Even if it opens with a Kelly Clarkson quote? Of course not, because Jonathan really needs a win this time.
Topics discussed are the tragic tale of the father of the sword and sorcery genre, swordmaking, our favorite Nietzsche quotes, the patron saints of Swordboys, who is your favorite hench, Young Conan's Dad, Young Conan's hot mom, James Earl Jones's wig and how this all ties back to Skeletor. CROM!!!
Runtime: 00:00:00 - 00:14:57
You and I have unfinished business. Baby, you ain't kidding, because the Swordboys have finally reached the conclusion of KILL BILL: THE WHOLE BLOODY AFFAIR! Jonathan is on edi-Bills, Robin brings some not-so-fun facts and Rick praises Bill's parenting. They also discuss the infamous car crash, sword songs, thumbsuckers, Superman's secret identity, more reasons why Harvey Weinstein is the worst (is he dead yet?), whether there is streaming in the afterlife, what kind of ending was expected and finally: does this movie get our sword? After that, Jonathan reveals his pick for the next movie! How do I look? You look ready.
TWBA Runtime: 03:01:53 - 03:58:18
Volume Two Runtime: 01:21:15 - 02:16:00
Confused? Just watch Last Chapter - Face to Face
The Swordboys celebrate their two-year anniversary as the now-named Beatrix Kiddo crosses two names off her kill list.
Robin acts like a hot mess, Jonathan continues to be a lovable scamp, and Rick figures out a way this movie could have been better. Still, we give Daryl Hannah some props for being a crimefighting activist, and Elle Driver some props for writing all her fun facts and jokes down. Finally, we rattle off some scary facts about sneks. Hisssssssssss!!
TWBA Runtime: 02:43:46 - 03:01:53
Volume Two Runtime:
Confused? Just watch Chapter 9 - ELLE and I
The Swordboys travel to China with young Beatrix to undergo the "cruetelage of paella", which just may be the training she needs to escape her subterranean cell! Along the way, they discuss important topics such as their favorite pies, double knots, Dead Poet's Society, the best part of a rat, Quentin's nearly-disastrous casting, breakaway flutes, whooshy ponytails, MythBusters, Brian Burgers and, of course, WikiFeet. After so much banter, may we have a glass of water please?
TWBA Runtime: 02:19:53 - 02:43:46
Volume Two Runtime: 00:39:15 - 01:03:07
Confused? Just watch Chapter 8 - The Cruel Tutelage of Pai Mei
Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey! The Swordboys head to the strip club for Budd's shift as we finally get into some Madsen Facts. Michael Madsen - actor, poet, hot sauce maker, and Tarantino staple - plays the most conscientious DiVA, Budd, who is now living a humble life with a satisfied mind.
But The Bride is here for a payback that will leave one of them six feet under. Along the way, the Swordboys discuss our stripper names, cowboy hats, balaclavas vs shiesties, and the efficacy of a blast to the chest with rocksalt. Come for the strip club buffet, stay for the Carradine film reviews. My Oh My!
TWBA Runtime: 01:58:49 - 02:19:53
Volume Two Runtime: 00:18:10 - 00:39:14
Confused? Just watch Chapter 7 - The lonely grave of Paula Schultz