Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

The Irish Times

564 episodes

19 hours ago

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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All content for Ross O'Carroll-Kelly is the property of The Irish Times and is served directly from their servers with no modification, redirects, or rehosting. The podcast is not affiliated with or endorsed by Podjoint in any way.

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Show more...

Episodes (20/564)

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘It’s all right for you,’ Honor goes. ‘You can have any woman you want’

The front door slams and the entire orangerie – built without planning permission at the height of the Celtic Tiger – shakes to its foundations. Sorcha’s eyes meet mine. Ten seconds later we hear Honor’s bedroom door slam too and we both silently wonder whether the structure will stay standing for what’s left of our daughter’s teenage years.

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19 hours ago

6 minutes 9 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘I don’t like who my son has become since he started playing rugby. He’s full of himself’

The room is absolutely rammers and I’m listening outside the door as various randomers talk s, h, one, t, about me and my famous coaching methods.

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1 week ago

6 minutes 29 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘There’s no such thing as academic-sporting balance. Not in schools that are serious about being winners’

There’s a meeting. That’s the big news of the day. I’m like, “What kind of a meeting?” And Fionn goes, “Ross, you’re not invited.”

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2 weeks ago

6 minutes 18 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

This is my son now – north Dublin’s leading wine snob

“Here, Rosser,” Ronan goes, pouring me a lorge glass of red, “get yisser laughing gear around that.”

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2 weeks ago

6 minutes 55 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘I’m not going to call you Mister anything,’ I tell the deputy principal, and the boys all stort sniggering

So – yeah, no – the kids are all standing around me in a semi-circle and they’re, like, hanging on my every word. And I’m in my absolute element, of course, going, “Today, I’m going to teach you guys a thing or two about passing this beautiful object,” showing them a rugby ball. “Now, can anyone here name some types of passes that we might use in rugby?”

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4 weeks ago

6 minutes 40 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Honor’s date for the debs is a looker. She clearly takes after her old man in that regord

Sorcha is up to pretty much 90. It’s the night of Honor’s debs and we’re all waiting for her date, Iarlaith – yeah, no, a girl – to arrive. Sorcha’s old pair are here, as well as my old man, then 10 or 11 of Sorcha’s friends and half the Vico Road.

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1 month ago

6 minutes 46 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Ronan pours the wine and goes, ‘It’s a surprising little number with notes of candyfloss, anchovies and balsawood’

The street in front of the restaurant is absolutely rammers and I spot quite a few familiar faces – we’re talking former government ministers, we’re talking former High Court judges, we’re talking two or three former rugby internationals and one or two heads from RTÉ.

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1 month ago

7 minutes 2 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘You were mugged in Dalkey? Things like that don’t happen there’

Sorcha lets out a scream when she sees me. It reminds me of the time during the recession when her BT loyalty cord was downgraded from Platinum to Electrum. It’s, like, high-pitched and – yeah, no – blood-curdling?

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1 month ago

6 minutes 2 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘I didn’t do a tap in school and yet life worked out pretty well for me’

This is me in my absolute element. I’m there, “Rugby is a sport in which you travel forwards by going backwards, in which to succeed is to ‘try’ and in which the ball is shaped with the actual intention of breaking your hort.”

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1 month ago

6 minutes 5 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘The old man running a restaurant is like asking me to teach physics through Irish’

Sorcha says she’s delighted for my old man. Yeah, no, as you may or may not have read in the pages of this paper, he and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara have bought Shanahan’s on the Green and are planning to reopen it in, like, two weeks’ time.

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2 months ago

5 minutes 47 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘Rugby is the best idea we’ve ever come up with as a species,’ I go, channelling Fr Fehily

It’s finally here. A day I’ve dreamt about for, like, 12 years. Brian, Johnny and Leo are storting school in Castlerock College, where their old man famously went and his old man before him.

irishtimes.com

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2 months ago

6 minutes 34 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Sorcha goes, ‘The Dalkey Lobster Festival is this weekend. How am I going to show my face?’

“I remember when you got your Leaving Cert results,” Sorcha’s old man goes. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of you, Dorling.”

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2 months ago

6 minutes 28 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘I think you should have a conversation with Honor about her drinking,’ Sorcha goes

So – yeah, no – we’re in the cor, on the way to the airport, to collect Honor, who’s coming home from her Leaving Cert holiday in, believe it or not, Magaluf.

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2 months ago

5 minutes 59 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘I got thrun out of Amedica,’ Ronan goes. ‘Me visa was revoked’

So I’m walking around town with Ronan and – yeah, no – we’re playing a game we used to play when he was, like, eight years old: when we pass a shop or restaurant, he tells me whether it’s a real business or a money-laundering front.

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3 months ago

7 minutes 11 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

When Honor drops the news, I sit there with my mouth open like someone from Roscommon seeing escalators for the first time

Sorcha tells Honor that she’s leaving it very late.

Honor’s like, “What are you talking about?”

And Sorcha goes, “I’m talking about the debs, Honor.”

Honor’s there, “Not this again,” and she’s right because her old is like a dog with a chew toy.

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3 months ago

5 minutes 40 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

The old dear made a seating plan for her own funeral. She didn’t want ugly people in the first three pews

Sorcha says I can’t wear those.

And I’m like, “My Dubes? What’s wrong with my Dubes?”

She goes, “You can’t wear Dubes to a funeral, Ross. Put a pair of actual shoes on.”

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3 months ago

6 minutes 14 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

I get this sudden flashback to when I was six or seven and I’d hold the wheel steady for the old dear while she drove home, half-cut

“Okay,” the old man goes, “here’s another one you, Kicker!” because – yeah, no – he’s written a book of his Fifty Years of Letters to The Irish Times, which Honor has helped pull together for him. “Listen to this one! Dear Madam. Whilst sorting through the vegetable tower in the kitchen the other morning, I discovered an oval-shaped tuber with a pale yellow flesh. Is this a record?”

No one laughs – except him, of course?

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3 months ago

6 minutes 24 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

The old dear goes, ‘Sorcha? I don’t know anyone of that name. Is she one of your tarts, Ross?’

The room is absolutely rammers and through the door I spot so many faces from the past. We’re talking Angela and Dermot from the campaign to move Funderland to the northside. We’re talking Ida and Clem from the campaign to stop the Luas from coming to Foxrock. We’re talking Lucy and Aednat from the campaign to stop poor people being allowed into the National Gallery.

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3 months ago

6 minutes 51 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Oisinn goes, ‘Dude, you’re saying goodbye. You do realise that? You’re saying goodbye to your old dear’

“What the fock?” Oisinn goes. “Are you serious?”

I’m there, “Oh, I’m serious all right. I’m as serious as – well, you know what.”

He goes, “A living funeral? Where did this idea even come from?"

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4 months ago

5 minutes 57 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Brett goes, ‘She’s close to the end, Ross. I was thinking we should arrange a living funeral for her’

“He must have been in a fight last night,” Sorcha goes.

And – yeah, no – she’s talking about my brother slash half-brother, Brett.

I’m there, “Why do you say he was in a fight?”

And she goes, “Oh my God, didn’t you see the bruises on his neck when he came home this morning?”

Seriously, sometimes it’s like she was never young at all.

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4 months ago

6 minutes 19 seconds

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.