I really like new beginnings.  I look forward to the first day of class with each new semester. I recall the fun of an exciting new job, and I can feel the warmth of the first 40 degree day after a hard winter.   One of my favorite parts of being a counselor is the opportunity to offer someone the hope of a new beginning.  People often seek out counseling in the lowest moments. They are desperate for help when they are hurt the most, at their lowest or have no other place to go.   But, to seek out counseling also demonstrates an incredible ability to hope. The first counseling session is full of hope that a new beginning is possible.  Someone new to counseling may think, “I hope this counselor can help me”, “I hope things get better”, “I hope my marriage survives”, “I hope the negative thoughts stop”.  What many find in this first session however, is that the most powerful aspect of counseling is the ‘WE’.  It is discovered that by connecting with another caring and compassionate human ‘WE’ can find a path through the difficulty. The first counseling session begins a relationship in which you are no longer alone, you are now a ‘WE’ and have a partner to walk alongside you on the journey.     Connections Family Counseling’s mission is ‘to help build resilient kids, strong marriages, and connected families’ in Quincy, Illinois and the surrounding areas. Therefore, we believe that every new beginning starts with hope, is powered by ‘WE’ and becomes resilient, strong, connected.  For this reason today is a new beginning for Connections Family Counseling.   We are excited to announce that our podcast, which had been known as “the connected family podcast” will now be titled ‘Resilient, Strong, Connected”  We believe that this name more clearly reflects the mission and vision of Connections Family Counseling and is therefore a better vehicle to assist our community members looking for a new beginning.   We hope that you will continue to benefit from the podcast and will join us in becoming ‘Resilient, Strong, Connected. Visit Connections Family Counseling Website      

Christina Furnival, MS, LPCC is a wife, mom to two young children, licensed psychotherapist, writer, and children's book author.  With over a decade of experience in the mental health field, she has worked in a variety of settings including a domestic violence center, hospital program, a non-profit providing parent support, education and coaching, outpatient clinics, and telehealth. Christina is passionate about supporting parents and children to understand themselves better, navigate challenges with confidence, and live the life they want. Christina founded the internationally enjoyed blog, Real Life Mama, after going through postpartum depression and anxiety to support other moms going through the same thing. Christina's writing has grown and evolved beyond her blog, enabling her to secure a children's book deal with PESI Publishing for an entire series focused on vital social-emotional skills.    Connections Family Counseling Join the Facebook Group   Buy The Book Now By clicking Below

Going Deep To Heal Relational Pain Matthew Leavenworth is a mental health counselor in Billings Montana with Yellowstone Counseling Center.  He graduated from Adams State University in 2015 with a master in mental health counseling and is currently pursuing his PhD at Adams State as a counselor educator.  He has extensive experience seeing children, adults, couples, and families dealing with a range of disorders, including anxiety, depression, and trauma.  He uses rock climbing as an experiential component of therapeutic healing and is an avid rock climber and outdoorsman when he is not home with his beloved wife Kylie and daughter Huxley.   The Dock By Matthew Leavenworth I feel the sand under my toes, The sky is blue.  The sun is opaque behind thin clouds.  A slight breeze blows across the water.    The dock is a hundred yards in front of me, A peninsula out into a great expanse of water. I have a towel in my hands. My skin goosepimples and I shiver as the breeze picks up with a chill.    I think about turning back. The water is too cold. The wind will chill me to the bone. There are sharks out there.   Instead, I throw the towel aside and start forward. My steps are heavy at first, The wet sand swallows my feet, I can still turn back.   I don’t. I start jogging forward, My quickening steps find the wooden planks, faster and faster. There is no railing; only the sparkling cold and deep that will swallow me.   The end of the dock looms, The thought occurs.  I can turn back, I can stop unless I take another step.   I leap forward. Into the open unknown. The water swallows me. It is all the pain and the triumph and everything I am.   I am deep under water. Deeper and deeper, Until I see. Other shapes in the water, like mine, staring back at me, swimming also.     Connections Family Counseling Join The Facebook group    

Pat and Tammy McLeod serve as Harvard Chaplains for Cru, an interdenominational Christian ministry. Tammy is also the Director of College Ministry at Park Street Church in Boston. She received her MA in Spiritual Formation from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. Pat holds an MA in Theological Studies from the International School of Theology and an MA in Science & Religion and a PhD in Practical Theology from Boston University. They are founding members of the Mamelodi Initiative in the township of Mamelodi, South Africa—a project that connects Harvard students with at-risk youth in a mentoring and educational program to prepare them for college. Pat and Tammy, certified instructors for Interpersonal Communication Programs, Inc., have been married for more than three decades and are parents to four grown children. They coauthored the book Hit Hard: One Family’s Journey of Letting Go of What Was and Learning to Live Well with What Is in which they share their journey into the world of ambiguous loss that began after their son suffered a traumatic brain injury playing football. Zach’s story received media coverage by ABC, NBC, CBS, and NPR. Recently they started COVID-19 Conversations on their website hoping to help others be resilient in ambiguous loss.  For more information, please visit  https://patandtammymcleod.com Join the Facebook Group The Website    

Connection is the Cure If you are like me, sometimes you look around in your home, your community, and the world and feel overwhelmed by the pain.  So many people are hurting. Children are stressed to the point of thinking about taking their own life. Parents struggle to respond when adolescents seem rebellious, angry, lost, and out of control.  Married couples hurt one another over and over again with disagreements, harsh words, and thoughtless actions.  These are only examples found inside families.  Our communities and world also express pain through war, hatred toward the ‘other’, and social isolation. The pain seems overwhelming and constant.  I hope to be a person that assists with the healing of the world, I desire to help families recover from unimaginable hurt and to walk with couples as they grow to love one another again.  I want to impact my community in a way that increases understanding and decreases social isolation. But how? What is the cure for the pain that so many experience? I believe that healing occurs in the context of relationship.  Parents overwhelmed by the difficult behaviors and strong emotions of their child need relationship.  Couples caught in a dance of conflict desire to know and be known.  Our communities racked by violence and hatred are desperate for an end to the isolation of being ‘the other’.  In short, I believe that connection is the cure.  The book “A General Theory of Love” (Lewis, Amini, & Lannon; 2000) describes the resonance, regulation, and revision that occurs in deep connection as the cure for relational and emotional pain. Resonance: Resonance is defined as “the reinforcement or prolongation of sound by reflection from a surface or by the synchronous vibration of a neighboring object.”  When you strike a guitar string the vibration from that string causes the strings next to it to vibrate.  Even more, if the two strings are vibrating at the same speed they are said to be in resonance and they amplify or reinforce one another.  Humans are constantly broadcasting signals about what is happening inside of them (Lewis, Amini & Lannon; 2000).  As our inner world is broadcast we long for another to recognize our signals and synchronously reflect our experience.  Synchronous reflection amplifies and reinforces our internal state.  The amplification and reinforcement of our internal state allow us to experience the sensation of being known and knowing the other (Lewis, Amini, & Lannon; 2000). Regulation: The broadcasting and synchronous reflection of experience allows an individual to be known and to know another.  This connection of two beings establishes a physiological rhythm resulting in the modulation of emotions (Lewis, Amini, & Lannon; 2000).  When distressed we instinctively look for others to help modulate overwhelming feelings.  We seek out support groups, friends, partners, pets, or service providers (therapists, doctors, etc…) to regulate our physiology.  Lewis, Amini, & Lannon argue that learning to modulate emotions is not learned through didactic or cognitive learning but only through experience (2000).  “They absorb the skill from living in the presence of an adept external modulator, and they learn it implicitly” (Lewis, Amini, & Lannon; 2000; p. 171). Revision: Regulation is the process of implicitly learning to modulate emotion in connection with another.  Revision is the process of rewiring the brains relational pathways to create more fulfilling relationships (Lewis, Amini, & Lannon; 2000).  Our relational pathways are shaped early in life through the previously described processes of resonance and regulation. Hundreds probably thousands of early experiences form our templates of relating to self, others, and the world (Bowlby, 1969).  Often, these early ways of relating do not lead to fulfilling relationships.  Revising these templates requires many interactions with another in new more fulfilling ways. Like the process of regulation, revision is best

How to Change Your Brain To Improve Relationships, Emotions, and Connection. This time of year, many of us are wondering how to change bad habits.  Others plan out ways to accomplish big goals for the year.  We may take big ideas and break them down into small steps or we may subscribe to a “Guru’s” fool proof way to “rock out 2019”.  I recently read a book that argued the way to change yourself is to change your brain.  What?  Change my brain how does this work?  Would I have to crack my head open and perform a lobotomy?  Well, no. Curt Thompson in his book “Anatomy of the Soul” outlines the ways in which we change our relationships by changing our brain.  How to change: Neuroscientists say that the brain is “plastic” meaning it can change and grow over the entire lifespan.  So, Thompson states that we can use the “neuro-plastic triad” to change the way that we function in the relationships, ourself, and the world.  He argues that we increase our functioning in relationships, emotion, and memory through aerobic activity, focused attention exercises and novel learning experiences. Aerobic Activity: We have always known that exercise is good for us.  Most however tend to think of physical exercise as something that changes only our body.  We may lose a few pounds, gain more physical strength, or fit into the clothes we wore in our younger days.  Thompson argues however that regular vigorous activity actually changes our brain and makes it more responsive for our lives.  We may become more able to regulate emotions, handle disappointment or connect with loved ones.  Focused attention exercises: Changing the brain has to do with creating new “wiring” or, neuro-networks as the scientists call them. Focused attention is how this wiring is created. Some call this type of attention mindfulness.  I have written HERE about how to teach your child to be more mindful.  Others practice prayer or meditation to accomplish similar purposes.  Focused attention allows us to become more aware of what happens inside of us at any particular moment.  This awareness creates deeper understanding of ourselves and others.  This new understanding allows for more connection to ourselves and the people that matter in our lives.   Novel learning experiences: Thompson then challenges us to engage in novel learning experiences.  These activities should include activities that one is passionate about or things that contain deep meaning for the individual.  Memorizing the phone book doesn’t count but such things as art, music, dance, drawing or working with your hands may.  Learning something new stretches our neural connections. It causes us to use parts of our brains that we may not have used in a while.  This new learning opens up possibilities for learning in other areas and experiences.  So what? How is the “neuro-plastic triad” helpful for us?  Change can be difficult and many of us have experienced failure in our attempts to change.  But approaching change from a brain-based perspective allows us to lay the ground work in our mind and body before attempting to change outward behavior.  So, start with a short walk while mindfully paying attention to your surroundings or praying.  As you gain confidence and traction in that area try something new like playing the ukulele or sketching in a notebook.  Take it slow and give yourself grace.  You will not be perfect but you will be changing. References: Thompson, C (2010) Anatomy of the Soul: Surprising connections between neuroscience and spiritual practices that can transform your life and relationships.   Connections Family Counseling, LLC Website Join The Facebook Group

Host Mark Vander Ley Ph.D., LCPC discusses the four styles of parenting identified by Dr. John Gottman's research. The four styles of parenting described in "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" are The dismissing parent, the disapproving parent, the Laissez-Faire parent and the emotion coach parent.  This episode of The Connected Family Podcast focuses on describing the four types of parenting style and then summarizes the five steps of emotion coaching.   Join The Facebook Group The Website

Parents You have Lost Control: Part 3 Every family needs an established set of limits. Predictable limits help children feel protected and challenged. They are designed to ensure safety and to allow for exploration. Consistent limit-setting may be the most difficult part of a parent’s job. Loving Limits are loving and compassionate when set by parents. Although it can be difficult, and some children may claim that their parents hate them when they set them, limits provide structure, support, and guidance that a child needs to feel safe.When set in a calm and empathetic manner, limits provide the basis for a child’s future identity development. Instructive Limits are instructive, and parents are not. It is tempting for parents to “preach” when setting limits, so as to be sure that the child understands the lesson. However, the real teacher is the limit. Children learn best through experience, and a consistently set limit will teach a lesson even if a child has tuned out the voice of a parent. Meaningful and Manageable Limits serve a purpose and are simple enough that parents can follow through on them with moderate effort. First, the set limit should be directly related to the offense. For example: if homework goes unfinished, then Billy will not be able to watch TV tonight. The limit should cause some level of anxiety for the child. Sending them to their room with TV, video games, and internet probably will not cause anxiety. Additionally, the limit should not overwhelm parents. For example, grounding a busy teen from the car for a year will cause too much disruption to the family routine, and parents will not likely be able to enforce the grounding. Individual An important limit for one child may not be important for another. Every child is different, and parents should adjust their parenting approach based on the needs of the child. Age is an important factor as well. A teenager can handle more freedom to choose than an eight year old. As a child matures and grows, they should be able to earn more freedoms. Timely Limits should be set in appropriate time. For a young child, the enforcement of the limit must be very close in time with the offense. For a teen, however, delaying the limit so that mom and dad can discuss it together can actually raise the level of anxiety and increase the effectiveness of the limit. Safe Limits must be emotionally safe. A parent must be in control of their emotions while setting a limit. A parent that is visibly angry and upset while setting a limit cannot think clearly enough to set appropriate limits. This parent is also in danger of producing fear in the child rather than anxiety. Fear produces external motivation, which is not the goal of limit-setting. What we desire to produce is internal motivation, which is produced by anxiety One of the hardest parts about learning of setting limits is deciding what level of freedom, both emotional and physical, is appropriate for your child. Obviously a toddler has narrower limits than a teenager who has begun to demonstrate personal responsibility. The most important piece of setting limits is allowing enough freedom of exploration and experimentation so as to provide the child with the feeling of competence, power, confidence, and excitement. But, you do not want to allow so much freedom that the child does not learn to respect the rules of nature and authority. The optimum level of freedom provides enough challenge for the child to master increasingly difficult skills and enough limits for the child to be safe and respectful. In this next exercise, I challenge parents to sit down with one another and access what LIMITS will be for their house in the current stage. It is recommended that families re-evaluate household LIMITS for each developmental stage (infant, toddler, preschooler, elementary, Jr. High, High school). The website Join the Facebook Group Here  

Parents You Have Lost Control: Part I have many discussions with parents that center around the issue of control.  The surprising part for many of them is that I emphasize giving up control rather than maintaining control.  It seems to me that parenting is a life-long exercise in gradually giving over more and more control to our very precious children.  This process can be a very scary, or even painful, endeavor for many parents, especially when it is done either too quickly or too slowly.  Many parents wonder, “If I give up control to my child, then how will he learn what is right?” or “Won’t they end up being wild children who are continually in trouble?”  Though it is tempting for some parents to believe that gradually giving control over to their children will result in ineffective or poor behavior, the truth is that giving age-appropriate control to our children is actually in their best interest.  In reality, giving more control to your children as they mature will help develop a confident, internal moral compass from which they will make better decisions on their own..              Let’s make the distinction between being “in control” and being “controlling.”  Chris Mercogliano in his book “In Defense of Childhood Protecting Kid’s inner wildness.” Describes “in control” as “establishing age appropriate limits, while at the same time supporting children’s growing sense of autonomy by allowing them to make choices and learn from their mistakes” (pg. 9).  Being “in control” is setting very clear limits for children and enforcing those limits consistently.  However, if a child is moving within those limits, he is free to be in control of his decisions and behavior.  The approach of the “in control” parent allows children to practice making choices that meet their needs or desires, but provides appropriate limitations to that freedom.   Alternatively, Mercogliano describes “controlling” as  “placing high value on obedience, shepherding children toward specific outcomes, and discouraging verbal give and take” (pg. 9).  A controlling parent is not only setting limits, but is active within those limits, making choices and decisions for a child that he could have easily made on his own.  A controlling parent who is focused “toward specified outcomes” has his own ideas for the child and is out to make them happen.  This parent does not consider the child’s desires, interests, or skills. Instead, this parent’s focus is on meeting his or her own needs.             The key is to gradually give age-appropriate control to our children, which is given in the form of choices.  For example, you may ask your young child, “Would you like to wear shorts or blue jeans today?” or “Would you like to drink milk or water?” or “Do you want to read books or play outside?”  All of these choices are opportunities for parents to give children control over the moments of their lives without allowing them to be in control of the household.  We have all seen the three year old who is clearly in control of the parent-child relationship.  Instead of being given choices chosen by the parent, this child is dictating the agenda for the entire household.  Giving a young child too much control is not only unhealthy, but is also harmful for future development.  On the other hand, giving age-appropriate choices to our children boosts their healthy development. The most important aspect to remember when offering choices to your child is that you must be comfortable with all the choices given.  As a parent, you have to be willing to follow through on your child’s choice, so offer these choices carefully.  For example, giving a three year old the choice between riding his tricycle in the driveway and riding his tricycle around the block unsupervised is not acceptable.  Once you begin to offer choices to your child, it will become second nature.  You will begin to see everything as a choice and will learn how to phrase things as opportunities for choice

Parents You have Lost Control Part 1 My wife and I are in serious trouble! Today my five year old discovered the most well kept and important secret of the parenting world.  I was hopeful that my boys would not discover this secret for several more years.  Now that the middle child has figured it out however, it will not be long before the other three catch on.  He has discovered that when it really comes down to it, I cannot MAKE him do anything.  We stopped at a local restaurant to grab dinner following his soccer game.  I was rushing home to pick up his older brother so that I could take him to his cub scout meeting.  As we left the restaurant he stopped, just outside the door.  I was walking ahead of him and looked back to see him propped up against the wall scraping his soccer cleats on the ground.  I said, “come on buddy, let’s go” He said, “No” and just stood there.  He looked at me with a knowing smirk; he saw that my hands were full, I was in a hurry, and that I had few parenting “tools” at my disposal.  Thankfully, I had gotten off work a little early today so I was in a pretty patient frame of mind.  I remained calm and began racking my brain for the best way to handle this situation.  We stood there looking at one another for nearly a minute.   It began to feel like the stand off at the OK corral, whoever moved first, was doomed to lose.  After searching for the most helpful tool in my bag for this situation, I came up empty.  I was unable to think of a logical or enforceable statement to convince him that he should move on his own.  So, I walked back to where he stood, took his arm and walked him to the car.  Eventually he decided to walk on his own, and climbed into his seat.  As I reflect on this situation I am struck by the simple truth, I CANNOT MAKE HIM DO ANYTHING.  At this point he is only five, I am bigger than he and I can take him by the arm and walk him to the car.  In ten years if he decides to take a similar approach about going to school things will be different.  I will not be able to physically move a fifteen year old as I did my five year old today.   This was a power struggle, he realized that I was in a hurry and short handed; he decided he was going to exercise his personal will.  I am reminded of how important it is for parents to admit and be OK with the fact that we cannot MAKE our children do anything.  All we can do is state what we are going to do.  We cannot control our children, instead we must explain the expectations or limit and then manage our own responses accordingly.  When the child does not meet the expectation the parent can let go of forcing him to “do” something and provide a logical consequence for the decision.  If the child meets the expectation he learns a lesson about responsibility, if the child does not meet the expectation and experiences a consequence, he learns a lesson about responsibility.  Either way the lesson is learned and the parent maintains sanity by understanding, “I don’t have to control my child, only my self.”  Join The Facebook Group The Website  

Several years ago I read the book and watched the movie “Into the Wild”.    It is a true story about an upper middle class boy.   After graduating from college he gave away what was left of his college fund and wandered around the United States.  He told no one where he was going and ended up starving to death in the Alaskan wilderness.  My favorite quote from the movie goes like this, “It is not as important that a man be strong, as it is that he feel strong.” I knew a boy recently who did not feel strong.  If you looked at him you would not think it. He was a football player, confident, and bigger than most.  Despite outward appearances however he believed that he was weak.  The worst part was not that his strength was being stolen, but that he was giving it away.  A recurring theme from our conversations was how he would beat up anyone who said something bad about his mom.  He was constantly talking about how tough he was.  He listed off the number of fights he had been in and the times he had been suspended from school.  I really liked this boy but was becoming frustrated with his need to portray himself as tough and “manly”.        I began to realize that although he was strong, athletic, and likeable-he did not feel strong, athletic, or likable.  It appeared to me that he felt weak, awkward, and hated.  His fragile view of self required that he project strength and aggression.  If he were to project what he really believed, that he was weak, awkward, and hated, people might agree with him, and he could not handle that.  So, he built the most “manly” façade he could come up with.  This façade was designed to convince others and himself that he was strong and not to be messed with.      The Facade of Strength: 1. Is a Self-protective strategy 2. Is built as the result of hurt or lack of safety 3. Does not allow a person to be truly safe or truly known Unfortunately, it is very common for boys to build a façade of “manliness” designed to keep people from knowing who they are on the inside.  In their book, “Raising Cain”, Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson call this the fortress of solitude.  This façade begins, from a very young age, to isolate boys from emotionally connected relationships.  Boys grow up to be men who can hold long conversations about what is happening in the world of sports.  However, they have a very hard time identifying what is going on inside of themselves.    I hope that parents will teach their boys what it means to be a man.  We can teach our boys that being a man may include physical strength.  We can teach our boys that being a man also includes emotional strength.  A man of emotional strength is able to look inside himself to acknowledge the good and the bad.  He is also willing to include those he trusts in this inner life.  It is this vulnerability that is a great marker of “constrained power”(meekness).     Parents can help children develop strength by: 1. Strength develops when a child feels cared for and loved 2. Strength develops through physically and emotionally safe challenges 3. We are strong when we are vulnerable. The website Join the Facebook Group

I was born in a small midwestern town and lived in that town until my family moved to Southern California when I was in fourth grade.  I have very fond memories of playing outside with the neighborhood kids for hours at a time.  I remember games like ghost in the graveyard, annie annie over, and freeze tag.  I even remember walking down the road with my friend to fish in the pond that was located in the corn field adjacent to our subdivision.  I returned to visit that same small town several years ago for a friend’s wedding and drove through the old neighborhood.  I expected to see kids running through the neighbor’s back yards and to walk down to the pond in which I had caught my first fish.  I was surprised that the pond was no longer there, as the field had been developed for houses.  More disappointing was the emptiness of the street.  There were no kids outside playing with one another.  Have all the young kids grown up?  Are there no kids left in this neighborhood?  Several years after this visit when I was working as a therapist for teenagers, I began to get a better understanding of what happened to this neighborhood.  I was talking to a young man and I asked him what he was good at.  He thought for a little while and said, “video games”.  I said, “oh cool, what are some other things you are good at?”  He thought for bit longer this time, and said, “I am only good at video games.”  I was pretty shocked by his belief that he was only good at video games.  He was well liked among his peers, intelligent, handsome, and physically fit.  Yet, the only strength he could come up with was video games.  Since those first days as a counselor I have run into many other young men with a similar view of self.  I believe that this limited view of self is caused in part by the decrease in outdoor free play for many children today.  A 2004 study by Rhonda Clements at Hofstra University surveyed 830 mothers regarding their level of outdoor play as children and that of their children.  85 percent of the mothers agreed that children today play outside less than children did in years past.  70 percent of the mothers reported playing outside everyday as a child compared to only 31 percent of their children.  The survey found that the number of children playing games with child created rules has dropped from 85 percent of the mothers to 33 percent of their children.  The only outdoor activity that children in the survey did more than their mothers was adult organized youth sports.  I strongly believe that children, especially boys need to be outside engaging in child created play.  The three main benefits that I see from this type of play are self-confidence, imagination, and social skills. Self-Confidence:             There is no better place for a child to test the limits of their abilities than the outdoors.  This could be climbing the ladder to the slide for a young child, making it all the way across the monkey bars for a school aged child, or taking on the older kids in a basketball game for a middle schooler.  These activities are physical, mental, and psychological challenges that push a child just one small step past their current ability.  These small steps over a number of months or years build into a series of successes or failures that allow children to take on the challenges of the future.   Imagination:             The great outdoors is filled with opportunity to increase imagination.  This may include the hiding place under the porch stairs used to dig for treasure.  The snake habitat made from a puddle, grass clippings, and rocks, or the delicious mud pies served up to mom and dad.  These child created exercises in make believe are the classroom in which future artists, teachers, engineers, and, doctors hone their skills.  The skills necessary to create new masterpieces, work with the difficult learner, create a bridge or heal disease. Social Skills:             Possibly the most important benefit of child create

Dr. Mark Vander Ley interviews Melissa Hopper author of "Can We Not Talk".  The Can We (Not) Talk? journaling study is a totally not-awkward way to have meaningful conversations with your teen about the topics that matter. As parents and teens work through the lessons in their workbooks and journal, they will be prepared to have discussions on topics like love, healthy relationships, boundaries, standards, pornography, and more. Melissa is a homeschooling mother of four and the Director of Community Education at her local pregnancy center.  In her professional life she facilitates conservative and legally compliant sex education to over 6,000 California students per year.  She also offers resources related to parenting, public health, safety and more.  At home Melissa cares for her four children, enjoys spending time with her husband, gardening, road trips, and time in nature. To find out more information about Melissa and her studies visit Instilled Studies Our website Join the Facebook Group

Why does a person get angry?  What is it about a child’s behavior that can cause a parent to lose control?  Parents get angry and lose control with their children when they experience stress or anxiety above their levels of tolerance.  Typically, when parents experience this level of stress, one of their four core fears—danger, failure, loss of love, and loss of control— has been triggered by their children’s behavior.  Often, the end result of this fear is the parent’s extreme emotional response to the situation.  Learning to identify and better understanding the impact of these fears in our parenting helps us learn to maintain better personal control with our children. Danger: The fear of their child being hurt, emotionally or physically.  Parents who experience this core fear feel anxious when their child takes risks or is out of their sight.  The most common way of relieving this anxiety is to protect.  These parents have a hard time maintaining personal control when their efforts to protect are being avoided by the child. Failure: The fear of failing as a parent, or their child failing as an adult.  Parents who experience this core fear work hard to make their child a success and have a hard time maintaining personal control when their child’s behavior seems to work against them. Loss of love: The fear of losing their child’s love.  Parents who experience this core fear may rely on their child for feelings of affirmation and value.  In times of trial they feel abandoned, alone, and betrayed by their child and may struggle to maintain personal control. Loss of control:  The fear of losing control of their child or the situation.  Parents who experience this core fear see misbehavior as a sign of things to come.  They are afraid that if they don’t get things under control, their child will grow up to be a hardened criminal or worse.   The Website Join The Facebook Group  

Sometimes in marriage counseling we encounter couples that overcome their demon dialogues, create a new dance of intimacy, and rewrite the story of their relationship.  Yet, just when it appears they will move to a deeper level of connection one partner brings up a seminal incident that they just can’t seem to “let go”.  Susan Johnson describes these hard to let go moments as “relationship traumas” and states that many times they include one partner feeling a profound sense of abandonment.  It may include an overwhelmed husband isolating in his bedroom just after learning about his wife’s cancer diagnosis. Or maybe it involved a wife’s difficulty in showing empathy for the death of her husbands father.  Susan Johnson offers six steps to forgiveness in these difficult situations The hurt partner speaks his/her hurt The hurt partner describes the wound without attacking the other.  The partner may use words like “I felt…alone, abandoned”. This communication is not about the details of the incident but the feelings and experience of the one hurt.  The pain, which in the past had been covered with anger and criticism, is now revealed in honesty and vulnerability. The injuring partner is present and acknowledges the hurt The injuring partner remains emotionally present as the hurt partner shares their experience.  The injuring partner now more fully understands how their actions hurt the other.  This new understanding leads to an acknowledgment of hurt and creates the safety needed to move forward. Partners Risk Vulnerability Both partners soften towards the other moving from the defensiveness of “you will never hurt me again” to “I think I can trust you now”.  The new position of trust and openness allows for both partners to express emotion surrounding the incident leading to deeper understanding and connection. Injuring partners take ownership of their mistake The injuring partner is now able to take full responsibility for how their actions impacted the hurting partner.  This probably includes a heartfelt apology.  The injuring partner is able to communicate deep regret, empathy, validation, and a commitment to “being there” in the future. Partners discuss their needs now The next step is for partners to communicate with one another what they need in the present. This will most likely include presence, touch, responsiveness, awareness, and connection. The new story The couple is now ready to create a new story surrounding the incident.  The new story describes how the incident damaged trust in the relationship.  It also highlights what led to the demon dialogues.  But, the resolution of the story is shaped by how the couple confronted the pain of the incident and was able to heal through the process of openness, vulnerability, risk, and connection.    The website Join the Facebook Group

Find the Bad Guy This dance occurs when both partners are stuck using attack as a way to protect ones self from feeling vulnerable, alone, or unsafe.  Each partner blames the other for the problem because disconnection has made it unsafe to vulnerably acknowledge ones own responsibility in the problem.  John blames the family’s financial issues on Mary’s irresponsible spending habits, while Mary blames John for not working hard enough to provide for the family.  The pattern is cyclical in that the more one is blamed the more disconnected and unsafe they feel.  The lack of safety puts each partner “on guard” for the attack of the other.  A hypersensitive stance may cause the partners to see threat where there is none.  This leads to more frequent attacks and ever increasing difficulty in resolving conflict. Protest Polka The most common pattern encountered in marriage counseling is the pursuer-distancer dynamic or as Susan Johnson calls it the protest polka.  One of the partners protests against the growing disconnection in the marriage by pursuing the other. Many times this pursuit feels more like demanding or criticism to the partner causing them to withdraw.  The more the distancer withdraws the more the pursuer criticizes or protests.  The pursuer is looking for reassurance about questions such as “do you care about me?”, “do I matter to you?”, “am I important” while the distancer is attempting to protect ones self from feelings of inadequacy, not being good enough, and failure. Freeze and Flee The final dialogue is one of silence.  Both partners are hunkered down in their respective fox holes and hope is nearly gone.  The pursuer has no more energy to protest and therefore shuts down to protect ones self from hurt and loneliness.  The distancer is finally enjoying some peace but remains disconnected as a way to protect against a sneak attack.  Each partner has tried everything they know to fix the problem but nothing has worked.  They feel frozen, stuck in a dance that brings deeper and deeper hurt; therefore they flee by either leaving the marriage or resigning themselves to a lonely loveless relationship.     Accessibility An accessible partner is one that is “there” when reached for.  When feeling alone, scared, and vulnerable we reach out to our loved ones in an attempt to gain comfort and safety.  When a partner is accessible they remain present for their spouse and provide empathy, validation, and compassion.  Although this reaching may come across as anger the responsive spouse views the “reach” as a need driven by hurt and fear.  An accessible spouse sends an implied message of “you are not alone”, “I am here for you” and “we will get through this together”.  Responsiveness A responsive partner is one that is “moved” by the reach of the other.  Sometimes, when we are overwhelmed by someone else’s emotion we hide it, stuff it down, or deny it.  This appears as cold, unresponsive, and distant to a partner in pain.  A responsive partner is able to “feel” the other with a deep understanding of the hurt, loss, and fear.  Understanding ones partner in this way creates a sense of moving toward each other.  The reaching out has worked and the hurting partner experiences reconnection.  Engagement An engaged partner is one that has been “moved” by the emotion and pain of his/her partner and stays “in” it.  They are able to maintain the connection with the partner throughout the difficult time.  They do not run away from the powerful emotions, downplay them or seek to minimize them.  An engaged partner is able to feel the emotion while experiencing a safe connection with self and the other.  Our Website Join the Facebook Group Johnson, S. & Sanderfer, K (2016). Created for connection: The “hold me tight” guide for Christian couples.  New York, NY: Little Brown and Company.  

Dan Siegel (2014) writes about the amazing tumultuous wild wonderful teenage brain describing the radical changes that occur in the brain through the teenage years.  He also writes in his book “Brainstorm: the power and purpose of the teenage brain” (2013) about the four qualities present in teenage minds based on the radical changes that occur in the brain.  He describes novelty seeking, social engagement, increased emotional intensity, and creative exploration as required ingredients for the maturation of an adolescent from child to adult.  He describes an upside and downside to each ingredient.  The Upside and the Downside of the Teenage Brain The upside of novelty seeking is a new-found openness to change and passionate living.  The downside is an increase in risk taking and thrill seeking.  The upside to social engagement is a strong desire for connection and relationships with peers and adults. The down-side can be a teen that isolates from adult relationships and focuses solely on the influence of peer relationships.  The up-side of increased emotional intensity is more energy and zest for life, but the downside is impulsivity, moodiness, and volatility.  The upside of creative exploration is increased ability for abstract thinking and pushing against the status quo, the downside is that new forms of abstract thinking can lead to a crisis in identity and self-perception.  I really appreciate the way that Siegel frames the adolescent developmental period as having upsides and downsides.  He characterizes all the challenges, difficulties, and changes as necessary and wonderful advancements on the road to “integration” (2013).  Integration “the linking of different parts, creates more coordination in the brain itself” (Siegel, 2013, p83) “These more precise and efficient connections in the brain make for wiser judgement and discernments based not on the small details that are without a larger context but on the overall gist that sees the big picture” (Siegel, 2013, p.83).  In the past, adults have spoken about adolescence as a stage to survive rather than a crucial part of a person’s human development.  I think if we, as parents and counselors can change our perspective on this stage of life, those adolescent’s in our care can feel more understood and respected.              We have the opportunity to assist teenagers by equipping them with tools and strategies for integration.  Siegel (2013) introduces seven ways to help adolescents develop increased integration.  He lists Time-in, sleep time, focus time, downtime, playtime, Physical time, and connecting time. 7 Ways to integrate the Teenage Brain Time-In: Time-in, is an intentional period spent reflecting on your inner world.  It is paying close attention to our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, intentions, hopes, dreams, attitude, and longings (Siegel, 2013).  As we consider the amount of time that adolescents spend using social media and other forms of technology it is obvious how important it can be to encourage some time to just sit and notice the inside.  Sleep Time: Adolescents need about 8.5-9.25 hours of sleep a night for optimal brain growth (Siegel, 2013).  The consequences of lack of sleep include weight gain, decreased memory consolidation (learning), and decreased attention and problem-solving abilities (Siegel, 2013). Helping parents and teens to understand the value of sleep can be a crucial step in helping to regulate mood, conflict and family difficulties. Focus Time: Time spent in focused attention without distractions and interruptions also contributes to the brain’s development.  Focusing on one thing causes the brain to release the chemicals needed to create new neuro-networks and to “cement” those networks into the brain.  This process is active in learning and therefore, Siegel encourages a movement away from “multi-tasking” and distractions.  Downtime: Time spent with no mental plan and nothing to accomplish gives the brain a break to recha

On this episode of The Connected Family Podcast Dr. Mark Vander Ley talks with Kathryn and Adam Adrian, the founders of Connect Child and Family Solutions.  Adam and Kathryn are foster parents that have developed a passion for the foster community.  After becoming foster parents the couple learned about the number or teams needed to provide excellent care to children, foster families, and biological families.  They also discovered that the existing resources and agencies were doing this excellent work, without adequate resources themselves.  So, they decided to help build the foster care community by filling the gap between foster care families and much needed resources. Connect Child and Family Solutions partners with existing foster care agencies to prioritize the hearts and minds of children, along with their foster and biological families.  They provide a resource closet to help provide for the basic needs of children as they transition into a foster care placement.  They also provide a foster-friendly space for family visits, classes, support groups, and play dates.   Connect Child and Family Connections Family Counseling Join the Facebook Group

I have been reading Brene Brown’s leadership book entitled “Dare to Lead”.   If you are familiar with Brene’s work you know that this book is full of talk about vulnerability, empathy, connection, and relationship. So, since we at Connections Family Counseling are passionate about building a community of connected families it makes sense that we would want to share it with you.  “You are going to share a leadership book in hopes of connecting families?”, you ask. Yes, this leadership book outlines in a really understandable way how to create connection using five basic skills of empathy.  It is so powerful it can be used in business leadership and in leading your family.  What is Empathy? First of all, we need to know what empathy is. Brene defines it as such, “Empathy is not connecting to an experience, it’s connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience.” (pg 140). Thankfully, we do not have to have the exact same experience as someone else to give empathy, we just have to feel what they are feeling.  Not only that, Brene argues that empathy is an infinite and renewable resource.  The more empathy we give the more we have and as long as we continue to give it we will never run out of it.   Empathy Skill # 1: To see the world as others see it, or perspective taking. We all see the world from our own unique perspective.  Our family of origin, nationality, race, gender, knowledge, and experience all influence our view of any given event.  However, empathy begins by seeing the world from another person’s perspective.  Brene Brown says we cannot do this perfectly but we can, “Honor people’s perspectives as truth even when they’re different from ours.” (pg. 143). When we honor the perspective of our partner or child as valid and important no matter how different than ours we are honoring them as people and laying the groundwork for deep meaningful connection.  Empathy Skill # 2: To be nonjudgmental We tend to judge others in the areas we feel most susceptible to shame (Brown, 2018) we look for people who are weak in our weak spots and we judge them for it.  This can be extra difficult in a family because we are intimately aware of each other’s weaknesses.  Alfred Adler once observed that children tend to act out the most in correlation to their parents most strongly held values.  If I strongly value success and feel shame when I “fail” I may be easily triggered when my child does not appear motivated or seemingly puts in minimal effort.  I may have a very difficult time nonjudgmentally listening to my child’s struggle with a teacher or school assignment if it goes against my personal values and triggers.  Being aware of my values and shame triggers while enable me to be kinder to myself and my family. Empathy Skill # 3 and # 4: To understand another person’s feelings and to communicate understanding of that person’s feelings. In order to feel what another person is feeling we have to be able to identify and articulate feelings.  When a family member is sharing their experience listening for the feelings that underlie the experience and reflecting them back is key to empathy.  I often encourage people to imagine what they would feel in the situation, come up with a feeling word and say, “you feel…”.  When we use this approach, we risk being wrong. BUT, if we are right our family member feels heard, if we are wrong they can correct us and as long as we accept the correction we move to a place of deeper understanding and connection.  Empathy Skill # 5: Pay attention  Brown (2018) challenges leaders to pay close attention to their internal signals (e.g. heart rate, posture, thoughts) so as to give proper attention to feelings without getting swept up in them.  If we feel empathy and get swept away in our family members feelings we tend to lose connection with the person.  If we are overwhelmed by the feelings and move way our family member may feel abandoned and not “seen”.  Paying attention helps us to balance fee

What is the most important thing you hope to teach your son before he turns 18? Many parents focus on skills like, driving a car, spending money wisely, working hard, or study habits.  But, research seems to show that teaching our sons emotional intelligence may be the most important thing we do.  In 2003 researchers at Yale University studied a group of college age students and found that as emotional intelligence goes up so do positive relationships with others. These researchers also found that the ability for a person to manage their own emotions is closely related to positive interactions with others.  The same group of researchers later discovered that Lower levels of EI are associated with adolescent risk taking behaviors like use of illegal drugs, consumption of alcohol, and deviant behavior. So, what is emotional intelligence?  There is some disagreement about the exact definition but the one that I find most helpful can be summarized like this:   Emotional Intelligence is, The ability to Perceive Emotions The ability to Utilize emotions to facilitate thought The ability to Understand emotions The ability to Regulate emotions of self and others So, What are some ways that parents can help their son to learn emotional intelligence?  Here are my thoughts Focus on Connection The research about how children develop emotional intelligence shows that it is passed on through connection with parents.  Those parents that use an authoritative parenting style (balance between control and empathy) have children with higher levels of emotional intelligence.  Sometimes our fast paced culture encourages parents to get their children involved in activities that will enhance their brains and build their resume.  What research shows, however, is that it is “us” that matter, the time spent connecting over low cost activities enhance our children’s lives.  So, build connection with your son by using the basic listening skills (I wrote about them here).  Play their favorite board game one evening a week.  Schedule them to cook dinner for the family one night and help them through the process.  Spend a few minutes talking about the day before shutting off their bedroom light for the night.   Focus on Perception of Emotions Help your son to understand that other people’s behavior is a clue to all that is happening on the inside. Your son can learn about how to interpret facial expression, body language, tone of voice, and other communication from you.  You can help him to accurately perceive emotions by guessing at what you think he is feeling and expressing it verbally (ex. You are angry) if you are correct he feels heard and now has a word for what he was just feeling on the inside.  If you are incorrect he can tell you and therefore clarify his feelings for himself and for you.  It is also very helpful when you verbalize what you are feeling in the moment with your child.  If you have lost your keys you might say, “I am really starting to get frustrated” when you experience a setback at work you might say, “I am disappointed that…” The bottom line is; help him to perceive his own feelings by verbalizing them for him and then discussing it, help him to perceive what others are feeling by sharing your feelings in the moment. Focus on Managing Emotions of Self Again, the best way to help your son learn to manage his emotions is to be good at managing yours.  Modeling appropriate emotional reactions to normal and difficult situations shows him exactly how to do it.  For younger children games like red light/green light are helpful.  Older children can learn skills like belly breathing, mindfulness, and relaxation techniques. Additionally, the way you listen can be a very powerful way to co-regulate your child, which enables them to learn to regulate emotions by experiencing the process with you. (read about it here). Emotional intelligence is one of the most important skills that a boy can learn.  You can help him to learn it