We know that being more engaged in our lives is good, but we often struggle to do so. We can try to push ourselves to do that through sheer willpower, but that doesn’t usually work very well.



Here, we focus on what happens in interaction with other people. The video below shows highlights of a small group on Zoom. In this group, people reflect on their inner experience when they have difficulty engaging compared to when they can engage more. You can hear the participants’ voices, but their videos are blurred to protect privacy.

















Transcript of the conclusion:



So let’s now take a step back to articulate what we can learn from this exploration.



One is how strong the barriers are to engaging. The people in this group wanted to be actively involved – this is why they chose to be there. Yet, as they paid attention to their experience, they noticed how cautious and reserved they were. 



Why? We are wired to sense safety and danger. Sensing is something that happens below awareness, way below words. Unless we sense that the situation is safe, our body automatically mobilizes for danger. Caution has an obvious survival value.



The other thing that became obvious, as the group went on, is that participants were more and more able to notice the safety in the group, eventually describing it as a safe holding environment.



As this was happening, the fears progressively lifted, and the participants became more engaged. Just the same way as the fear had an embodied quality, a sense of contracting, or shrinking, feeling safer and more engaged also had an embodied quality. It was visible in the participants’ body language.



The lifting of fear and progressive engagement is a process, a subtle and gentle process. It takes time for the nervous system to notice the clues to safety. And it takes time for this emerging sense of safety to melt away the defenses. So, yes, the process of engagement is a subtle and gentle one.



Keeping this in mind helps us better understand how the process of proactive mindfulness works—essentially, building embodied skills that allow us to feel safe enough to contain the fear and assess the situation, and respond appropriately.