When I attempted to take my own life a few years ago, i didn't realize at the time, but I didn't actually want to be dead. I thought I did.
All I wanted was for the pain to stop.
I need to give you an understanding of who I am in this conversation. i am a suicide survivor. I am a carer for a direct loved one who has survived a suicide attempt.
I've lived with suicidal ideation myself, and I've also lost people, particularly one person that we're going to speak about today.
I didn't understand when I attempted to take my life that the pain that I was feeling was not going to end with my end.
It would linger on in the people around me.
I want to talk about that today. It's a hard discussion and it's a difficult discussion.
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Mental illness doesn't just destroy your todays, doesn't just destroy your tomorrows. It also destroys your memories, your past.It's something that a lot of people don't understand or comprehend when they're dealing with their trauma. You have to identify that:mental illness that is lying to you about your todays, saying you don't have a today, you only have pain.Mental illness is lying to you about your future. You don't have a future. All you have is pain.Mental illness also distorts your past.If this episode had a theme song - it's this one by ICON FOR HIRE. The song is 'Only a memory' and it's a powerful reminder that our yesterdays are not who we are. We decide what our future will be. Only A MemorySUPPORT US NOW. See below for how.Check the website markmiwords.com.auBuy the Shirts markmishirts.comBuy the book https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B09BC229P1/ref=sr_1_14?dchild=1&keywords=shattered+the+book&qid=1627454085&sr=8-14 #ShatteredThePodcast #Podcast #STP #PTSD #PTSDsymptoms #CPTSD #cptsdrecovery #domesticviolence #suicide #depression #mentalhealth #anxiety #sad #suicideprevention #love #mentalhealthawareness #depressed #mentalillness #suicidalSpotify https://open.spotify.com/show/3BVQmO16Isxhu8ra2DTwPQ https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/shattered-the-podcast/id1551737334
Mental illness doesn't just destroy your todays, doesn't just destroy your tomorrows. It also destroys your memories, your past.
It's something that a lot of people don't understand or comprehend when they're dealing with their trauma. You have to identify that:
mental illness that is lying to you about your todays, saying you don't have a today, you only have pain.
Mental illness is lying to you about your future. You don't have a future. All you have is pain.
Mental illness also distorts your past.
If this episode had a theme song - it's this one by ICON FOR HIRE. The song is 'Only a memory' and it's a powerful reminder that our yesterdays are not who we are. We decide what our future will be. Only A Memory
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Driving around Canberra the last couple of weeks, I've been really impressed with how many stickers I've seen in the back of utes and trucks and stuff saying 'IT'S NOT WEAK TO SPEAK'.
I'm so pleased that I'm starting to see this around and i want to dive in because I just want to give you my two cents worth on why I believe that speaking about your pain, about your hurt, about your depression, about your anxiety is one of the bravest things that you can do.
And I want to pull that apart today.
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Falling down... failing... backsliding... whatever you want to call it does not make you weak.
Falling down is a natural part of the learning process.
So, it is with mental illness. The journey is not going to be in a neat line. There will be downs. There will be falls.
but this does not make you weak. You ARE only weak if you DON'T get back up.
Look how far you've come. You have fallen but you are still going.
THIS IS A VICTORY! it may not feel like it, but it is.
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Falling down... failing... backsliding... whatever you want to call it does not make you weak.
Falling down is a natural part of the learning process.
So, it is with mental illness. The journey is not going to be in a neat line. There will be downs. There will be falls.
but this does not make you weak. You ARE only weak if you DON'T get back up.
Look how far you've come. You have fallen but you are still going.
THIS IS A VICTORY! it may not feel like it, but it is.
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You know, when you talk to people about mental health, you’ll hear all kinds of takes about psychologists. Some folks absolutely swear by therapy and counselling, while others are more hesitant or even sceptical, maybe because of a bad experience or just different beliefs. It’s only natural—everyone’s got their own story and background that shape how they see mental health support.
Let me share where I’m coming from. I hear people say psychologists get it wrong, that they misdiagnose, or just don’t get what you’re going through. I really do get those concerns. But at the end of the day, what matters to me is what actually works—the real-life evidence, you know?
From my own experience, going to see a psychologist was the best step I could have taken. Honestly, I owe so much to two incredible psychologists who helped me turn things around. Without them, I’m not sure where I’d be today.
Funny enough, the people who helped me in the end weren’t the ones I was sent to first. When I got injured, I got referred to psychologists who’d spent decades working with veterans. Because my case was labelled PTSD, I guess they figured I’d fit right in. But since I wasn’t a veteran, it just didn’t click—they didn’t really relate to what I was dealing with. That experience taught me something important: finding the right mental health professional, someone who really gets you, makes all the difference.
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The Continuing Impact of Suicide
The sad thing that I didn't understand when I attempted to take my life a number of years ago was that it wasn't going to end the pain. Sure, it would end my pain, and nobody knows what's next, so, for all intents and purposes, for somebody living with suicidal ideation, with the idea that they need a way out... ALL THEY REALLY WANT IS THE PAIN TO STOP.
They just need it to stop. And their minds are telling them that the only way that they can logically stop the pain is by ending our lives.
What do I mean by the pain doesn't die? I have a mate that took his life a few years ago. And the thing that I've always known about my mate is he was more compassionate than me. He was more caring than me. He was kinder than me.
It wasn't a competition, but he just was. He was one of those extraordinary people that just exudes care for the people around him.
If he knew how much pain his death has caused, continues to cause, I would bet anything that he would take it back.
Let's dive in and discuss this today.
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Turning pain into purpose is a powerful idea. Many who struggle with mental health feel that difficult times are wasted, but these experiences can be given meaning.
Finding purpose is more than just finding reasons to keep going—it's about discovering what makes life meaningful again.
This journey is important for both those living with mental illness and those who care for them. Everyone can help bring hope and meaning back into life.
Let’s explore how pain can be transformed and what purpose can look like for each person.
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The Endless Treadmill: Coping with the Cycle of Failure
Life with mental illness can often feel like a never-ending treadmill—a constant journey of perceived failure. Every time you turn around, it feels as though you’ve failed at something else. This sense of failure doesn’t always arise from specific events; sometimes it’s simply the feeling of not being healthy or “normal.”
On today’s podcast, we’re discussing this experience. Even when you feel stuck in this loop—unmotivated and unwilling to participate in life—sometimes just showing up, just being present, is a victory. It’s essential to acknowledge these wins and to start recognising them for what they are. This shift in perspective can help break the cycle and ease the persistent feeling of failure.
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Sometimes the reality of living with mental illness is that it just sucks. There's no other way to put it. Sometimes, even though life might be going along well, things might be going well for you, you just wake up one day and everything's terrible.
And you don't know why, and sometimes you feel like you've taken a huge backward step.
I've experienced these moments quite a lot recently. It's not that things have happened per se. But I just know that my mentals aren't terrific at the moment.
So I wake up and I have to acknowledge that, hey, at the moment, things aren't great. They suck.
What do you do in that circumstance? What am I doing? What do I expect from the people around me? What can the people around me do to help me when I'm feeling this way, when you're feeling this way, when you feel like you wake up one morning and just everything sucks?
We're going to dive into that today.
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It's often challenging for someone living with mentalillness to recognise that their carers may also be experiencing pain.
Managing symptoms can lead to self-focus, making it hard to see the struggles of thosewho help.
Many say, "You don't understand what I'm goingthrough." Today, let's discuss the carer's role—mental illness affectseveryone involved, not just the individual. Carers face highs and lows too, andit's vital for those with mental illness to appreciate this.
I'll share insights for carers and those with mental illnessalike. Let's explore the experiences from both perspectives.
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When you have a mental illness every conversation you have can be a minefield.
On the outside you're cool as a cucumber- but inside your mind is a tornado of self doubt, self-loathing and self recrimination.
Every interaction is held with this ongoing sound track of self stigma.
The truth is though, that you are entitled to an opinion- your voice does count. You are valid.
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Today we explore the complex challenge of caring for someone who no longer cares for themselves, highlighting the emotional difficulty in such situations.
I'll use personal experiences of avoiding help due to fear of pain and discuss the persistence needed when the cared-for individual feels unworthy or believes no one cares for them.
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I’m doing something today that I never do.
I’m going to talk about a subject not directly related tomental illness.
I’m going to say something (that I am astounded to understand) will come at a cost.
People WILL unsubscribe. Friends WILL unfriend me.
But I cannot stay silent.
I STAND WITH ISREAL.
I support the Jews and their right to have a safe and protectedhomeland.
But a conversation I had recently has exposed me to the factthat there are still people out there who believe that the Germans were somehow justified. That the Jews do not deserve a homeland or even exist.
I can believe with all of my heart in the cause and peopleof Israel, but if I am silent, it costs me nothing.
I will not be silent… I STAND WITH ISREAL.
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I've been watching a couple of people tell their stories just recently, and I've been wondering where the courage comes from for them to tell their story.
Thats what we're going to discuss today on MMIW!
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Discussions surrounding suicide are often avoided and considered difficult to address. Despite the discomfort associated with this topic, it is important that it remains part of our conversations. Recently, there has been increased attention to the appropriate use of language when discussing suicide, commonly referred to as "safe talk."
There is a paradox in these discussions: while advocates emphasize the necessity of open dialogue about suicide, there are also frequent demands on which language is or is not acceptable.
This guidance can create confusion or apprehension for individuals who wish to engage constructively in these conversations, particularly storytellers or those seeking to raise awareness.
The challenge lies in fostering an environment where sensitive topics can be discussed thoughtfully, while also respecting established guidelines around terminology and communication.
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You may be caring for someone who is exhibiting suicidal behaviours.
Your natural (and normal) instinct is to want to fix them.
This is wrong. You cannot fix the issues your loved one is going through.
Your 'job' is to listen, to love them and try to get them to seek help.
If you take on the burden of being responsible for their behaviors and decisions, The sad fact is that you are going to fail.
Taking on another person's burden is dangerous for your own mental health and will only lead to heart break.
We discuss this further on today's episode.
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I recently discussed why I openly talk about suicide and believe it should be part of public conversation. There are several reasons, but three stand out: reducing stigma, addressing the silence that contributes to the issue, and recognising that we can't solve a problem if we don't understand it—open discussion is essential for understanding.
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The other day I found out that a friend of mine had died and for the last couple of days I've been clearly trying to digest it.
I've lived overseas in the days before Facebook, and I have had these really intense personal friendships for a very short amount of time. Friendships that aren't documented in any way. No selfies or social media posts.
I'm the sort of person who has friendships that although we don't see each other for a while, when we do meet up, it's like no time has passed and everything is still the same. We just pick up from where we left off.
And that was the case with my friend that passed away.
I thought we'd have more time.
We don't really talk about the effect that grief has on mental illness. and that's what I want to explore a little bit today.
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