Recorded: July 16, 2023 / Published: Oct 4, 2023 - 1: Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
- 2: KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
- 3: “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
- - “Kinks Don't Match? End It!-S05E10”
- Talk about Stephen Ing’s “Your magic sex number” and personal experiences to intro the topic.
- “I am kinky but my partner is not. Should I end our secure, loving relationship?” by Eleanor Gordon-Smith Thu 22 Jun 2023
I have been in a loving relationship for three years. When I first met him, I told a close friend that I thought I’d met the love of my life. That initial infatuation gave way to a more realistic affection, but he’s smart, handsome and caring. I enjoy our time together and feel secure and trusting.
Sexually, things were enjoyable at the beginning. That calmed down into a less frantic dynamic but we still have sex once per week.I am kinky and he is not. We have discussed this and he doesn’t feel comfortable doing the things that I enjoy.
Initially, I thought this would be OK – relationships always have compromise – but as time has gone on I am not sure it is something I can forgo. He has made clear that an open relationship would not be acceptable to him.I have an anonymous online profile on a kink dating site. I started talking with someone who shared my interests. We met, and the sexual encounter was satisfying to a level I have never experienced before. We have continued to meet on a weekly basis for six months. Neither party knows about the other.I do not want to end my relationship, but I cannot live without this aspect of my sexuality. I feel guilt about being unfaithful but exploring in this way has enabled me to stay in the relationship.
Should I leave my partner because of the gap between our sexual tastes? Should I give up my kink desires for what is otherwise a relationship I would have no reason to leave?
My boyfriend’s aggressive dog has stalled our plans to move in together. How can we move forward?
Eleanor says: Listen, it’s fine to feel that this part of your sexuality is something you can’t live without. It’s also fine to decide that a relationship isn’t going to work because of that. We get to leave relationships when staying would mean being bereft over missing out on something. That doesn’t get less true just because the thing in question is sexual. You could leave if you wanted kids and your partner didn’t; if you wanted to live in a particular country and your partner didn’t. Continuing a relationship isn’t just a question of whether you like this person, it’s a question of whether your lives can really dovetail.
But what’s never going to be fine is continually deceiving your partner into staying in a relationship that isn’t the way they think it is or the way they want it to be. You say your partner has been clear that he wouldn’t be alright with an open relationship. Unbeknown to him, though, he’s already been in one, and...
