It’s our retrospective retrospective! We reminisce about the last two years, reliving our favorite moments and discussing our predictions for the Season 2 that might have been. There’s a lot of wheeze-laughing in this one, and Libbie’s soul leaves her body. Plus: who was the ultimate champion of psychopathy? The answer will not surprise you. Adieu, Swannies--it's been fun.
This is it, Swannies! It’s the final episode of Swans Crossing! Mila looks like roadkill. Callie and Jimmy arm-wrestle. Sydney is back to being an a-hole. Nancy, our heartless queen, is in fine fettle. Garrett reveals his evil plan. Glory is hangry. Muffy cries a single tear. Special guest appearance by Libbie’s cat, Chupie.
Sydney is still doing Garrett’s bidding for no apparent reason. Mila is depressed. Nancy is back! Hail, Nancy! Barek is also back and he’s super creepy. Garrett is enraged. Unfortunately, Billy Gunn is back as well… and he’s shirtless. And he’s in his bed. With black satin sheets. And also with someone else.
Sparks begin to fly between Mila and JT. Jimmy and Saja reminisce about woobie hunting. Garrett forces Sydney to call child trafficker Billy Gunn, then begins strategizing ways to turn Mila into money. Owen has captured footage of legitimate Stranger Danger and nobody cares. Callie and Jimmy just GO FOR IT. A fledgling romance begins to develop between Saja and Sandy, the two perpetual third wheels of Swans Crossing.
Sydney ironically morphs into Sandy Swan of her own free will. Owen’s breaking and entering spree continues apace. Garrett is a time lord. Saja has fleshlights. Sandy blinds a bear. Jimmy almost cops a feel. Plus: Nathan learns about Flea and an old man yells “Schwing.”
We have to take a little break because LIFE is CRAZY and the holidays don't help with that. We'll be back on January 7th with Episode 62! You can also check out Libbie's new podcast, Future Saint of a New Era, which debuts December 15th. Have a safe and happy holiday season, Swannies, and we'll see you in 2023 for the final episodes of this, the best-produced and most important podcast on Earth.
Garrett breaks the fourth wall to violently assault the viewer. Sandy enlists Sydney’s help in an image makeover… kind of. Mining in Rodavia is really cheap. Barek flies off in his own private jet because of course he does. Mila and Sandy learn that Owen has betrayed both of them. Owen doesn’t seem to care because he’s intent on creeping around in the bushes, filming all and sundry.
Garrett wants to literally murder Sydney and says so SEVERAL times. Owen films people while they’re sleeping. Jimmy has a wrench cause he’s a mechanic. Glory extracts a promise from Garrett, which he immediately violates not three seconds later. JT peels a mustache; we can’t decide if it’s solemn or sexy. Saja does a tarot reading for Sydney and it’s… weird. The Entertainment Extravaganza is a flop for everyone except Katie, who makes out like a bandit.
Saja pursues a Little Mamba Jamba. Neil ODs on helium. Callie’s dinner with Barek goes about how you’d expect. Glory busts her brother. Garrett has a legit crisis on the ol’ Booth porch. Plus: Nathan and Libbie complain like a couple of boomers about the kids these days with their Discords and their TikToks.
Sydney procures bunting. Jimmy sweeps up detritus and stares a lot. Glory isn’t buying the whole Mila/Garrett thing. Barek shares inappropriate stories with minors. Callie and her dad bond by throwing shuriken. The excitement flows to Garrett’s brain. Plus: Nathan makes some coffee and you have to listen to the whole process.
Those are not Mila’s pancakes. Sydney has a new lease on life. Garrett is hosed. JT and Neil solve their financial problem… kind of. Callie betrays her own heart via nautical graffiti. Is Sandy ever gonna get over Owen? (Guess not). Owen’s fever-dream iteration of Mila is back and we are glad to see her. Plus: Libbie slams some table cream and Nathan reveals his bathroom sounds.
Callie rescues Sydney from aquatic peril. Captain Walker plots with a mysterious frogman. Jazz and the Baldie are, like, REALLY horny for each other. Sydney has a protracted panic attack, and we do mean protracted. Mila wants a polyamorous arrangement with Garrett and Chandler. Libbie writes some fanfic of the Jazz/Baldie pairing. Sydney’s back and she’s not going to take Garrett’s shit anymore!
Sydney is sensitive to Garrett’s needs. Mila flashes back to the beginning of this episode. JT and Neil attempt to acquire radioactive elements on credit. Jimmy makes Callie purr. Garrett cons Mila into making out. Ralph has a lot of canapes on offer. A ghostly apparition of Sandy Swan bops and bops and bops in a haunting silence. Sydney is visited by a series of Dickensian specters and then falls into the sea.
Time has no longer has meaning in Swans Crossing. JT and Neil analyze Barek’s rocks. Callie lets Jimmy put it in her mouth (ice cream, you guys. Relax.) Cornelia Booth is back and she has been shopping. The Booth family makes a plan to revamp Sandy’s image. Owen eats several desserts. Mila finally discovers Chandler’s true identity. Sydney cries in the shadows.
It’s Season 6—the LAST season! Can you believe it? Callie is fine. We hear Vision in Polka Dot Pink and it’s… not fine. Sydney wears her mourning bathing suit. Garrett decides it’s time to try being nice to girls. Nancy and Sandy put Sydney on blast. Mila relives every single one of her past humiliations.
If you want to ask us a question for our meta-retrospective final ep, please DM us on Twitter @gottagrowuppod or on Instagram @swanscrosspod.
We just decided this is the end of Season 5. Garrett is more pleased with himself than he should be. JT is shut out of his trust fund. Saja’s bike is full of mysteries. Barek has murder on his mind. Mila is un-grounded. Sydney purloins more poetry. A “b’Dazzled” Sandy dances to her greatest hit. Callie is in extreme peril! Oh no! Plus: Libbie gets podcast vengeance on an ex-boyfriend.
Garret has been lurking in cabanas again. Saja is hip to the fractal structure of the universe. Callie creeps around lookin’ for the hot rocks. Barek says the word “boner”. Neil and JT lose their funding. Sydney and Garrett pull an Actual Cyrano. Plus: an astonishing tale from Nathan’s childhood.
Mila is SO pink in this one. Neil is very happy about his candy bar. Jimmy lets Callie have it. Saja is a ninja again. Sydney plagiarizes some poetry and cries. We compare and contrast Garrett vs. Billy Gunn, then speculate on Garrett’s bedroom decor. Take a middle-aged walk with us down Memory Lane re: old-ass computers of the 90s. Plus: who is the mysterious Chandler?
Is Billy Gunn just… gone? We’re relieved. Mila tries to discover the identity of her secret admirer. Nancy talks into a horse’s nether region. Neil and JT commandeer hospital equipment. Owen eats all of Mila’s candy. Sandy is disheveled. Sydney is a drag. Charade!
JT can’t be bothered with chairs. Sydney gets creeped on and creeped out by Billy Gunn. Nathan draws the line at mind-meld pagers. Mila gets dumped by Billy and doesn’t realize how lucky she is. Buckyball is a verb now. Garrett is entirely too pleased with his line. Plus: hot sauce.