Taylor Swift Got Dickmatized By That Good Wood

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Distorted View Daily

Tim Henson

250 episodes

1 day ago

Celebrating 20 Years of featuring the worst the Internet has to offer! Everyday DV showcases the weirdest stuff from around social media, the web, and the world. WTF audio, bizarre news stories, and NSFW comedy. A Podcast for freaks - leave your morals at the door and laugh at the inappropriate. Audio and video too extreme to go viral, the very worst of fanfic, interviews with strange and wonderful freaks, and outrageous news stories you won't find in the mainstream media.

All content for Distorted View Daily is the property of Tim Henson and is served directly from their servers with no modification, redirects, or rehosting. The podcast is not affiliated with or endorsed by Podjoint in any way.

Taylor Swift Got Dickmatized By That Good Wood

Distorted View Daily

47 minutes 54 seconds

3 weeks ago

Taylor Swift Got Dickmatized By That Good Wood

🌿 Show Sponsor

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On Today’s Show:

1) Brad Carter Prank-Crimes… featuring “Tim Henson from Distorted View”

* Snow Plow Show Ep. 889: “The Dings Are Never Ending.”

* Brad keeps name-dropping Tim during fake “dinged your car” calls in Cincinnati, alleging Tim was handcuffed to a side mirror and tried to Slim-Jim a car for loose change.

* Callers threaten lawsuits; Brad doubles down by repeating “Tim Henson… Distorted View.”

* Tim’s take: thanks(?) for the promo, but also: I’M NOT INVOLVED, YOUR HONOR.

* (Tim will link the Snow Plow Show episode in the post.)

2) Bodycam Gold: “I Work for an Alarm Company… I Don’t Have a Job”

* Bank calls cops on a kid trying to cash a $7,000 check; says a guy named “Cuba” mailed it.

* Can’t recall the company, deletes the DMs, sudden nausea on command, asks if he’s going to jail (answer: probably).

* Charged with passing a forged check; $5,000 bond. Tim’s verdict: Steven Seagal-tier acting.

3) Stephen Dawson vs. The Photoshoppers

* Furious rant about people pasting faces onto his body and vice versa; threats, sputters, and accusations of garden-hose bum play (denied).

* Tim: “Strong words from a very agitated Stephen.”

4) Tay-Tay’s “Good Wood” (Satire, calm down, Swifties)

* Fake-news pop desk: Taylor’s album “The Life of a Showgirl” includes a cheeky track “Wood.”

* Tim premieres his parody earworm: “Good Wood.”

* Lyrical themes: Redwoods, keys opening thighs, ‘amatized’ (allegedly).

* Additional faux-feud gossip with Charli XCX (tongue-in-cheek).

5) Bizarre Crime: “We Love Jesus” Kidnapper Sentenced

* UK case: James Beckett (38) abducts two kids for 18 hours, forcing chants like “We are safe / We love Jesus.”

* Rants about 13 months in a year, energy protection; strands them in rural Devon after running out of gas.

* Recognized from a police appeal; arrested; later pleads guilty.

* Sentence: 12 months (serve ~40%), 5-year restraining order.

Quickies

* Dyslexic fireman ironically starts a fire.

* Tim dusts off the Access Entertainment Hollywood News Insider Report Extra Edition stinger (RIP half the celeb list).

Community & Voicemails

Today’s hotline is basically Unicorn Hamster FM:

Rando caller scolds Unicorn; Unicorn calls again. (Circle of life.)

80s video store nostalgia: “Video Dimensions / Video Haven / Video Paradise” vs. Tim’s Starlight Video (no porn room!).

Gaming future & VR porn: Cartridges dying? AR glasses if they stop looking like bug-eyed ski masks.