On Today’s Show
Cold Open / Fake Ads
Hooligans / Hoolihans/ Hannigan’s / Lannigals / Bannister’s / Bennigan’s: Caldessavilles drunkiverse expands (speed pukatoriums, propane “napalm kamikazes,” AA chip trade-ups, full-contact bowling, DUI derby).
Tim’s Life / Ashtabula Update
Mom doing “as good as could be expected”: infection/“water on the brain” cleared; scan shows significant shrinkage and no spread in the thyroid. Next week: return trip for the doctor consult and next steps.
Programming note: shows may be shorter, but no planned “Best Ofs.”
Feature Segment: Plus-Size Park Hoppers
Account that tests Disney/Universal rides for 2X–5X bodies (teacups, lap-bars, test seats, “omni-mover” platforms).
New frontier: Can we even fit in the restaurant chairs? Armchairs vs armless, half-booths, hostess hacks.
Monetization moment: “chub-rub” balm spawn-con.
Tim’s running gags: gunt vs. lap bar, “4X/5X problem rides,” “two fatties per cup = longer lines,” and the very American need for test carts.
Rapid-Fire Audio Bits
Rep. John Bryant: “This bill legalizes sawed-off shotguns.” → Tim pivots to pro–sawed-off shart-guns.
McDonald’s Drive-Thru Freakout: Gold Sauce denied → gold-standard meltdown.
Man vs. Robotaxi: Construction worker fights a Waymo’s cone phobia (“Drive, motherf*****!”).
News Buffet
Florida, Our Most F*ed-Up State:** Rage-bait content creator allegedly terrorizes neighbors with a stick, traffic-blocking, and slurs—arrested; “content strategy” fails basic cost-benefit analysis.
China Hot Pot Piss Case (Update): Two 17-year-olds who peed in a Haidilao broth pot ordered to pay ~$309k; parents nailed for failed guardianship; company’s over-comp payouts deemed voluntary; “tainted broth” becomes Tim’s new band name.
Sideshow & Support
Sideshow: 2 full exclusives this week; mini bonus segments resume next week.
Patreon: $5+ private voicemail line; $20+ occasional swag (stainless travel mugs in flight).
Listener Sponsorships: $25 via PayPal; backlog to be cleared next week.
Voicemails (Patron Line First)
Leeloo (Gen Z Envoy): Aloofness = defense mechanism vs creeps; also some people are just… not interesting.
Unicorn Hamster: Coffee spit-take over Tim’s Batman aside; suggests keto; Tim’s “running” confession and Sonic smash-burger relapse.
Octavia’s Theory: Is Lord Douche = Rod Herpe? Evidence: “Rod” inside “Lord,” Latino lore, omnipresence. Jury = DV listeners.
Hachi Machi: Anti-Mead tirade; Tim notes Mead may be writing a DV theme (for $25) — send lyric/bit ideas.
Today’s Sponsor:
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