Sponsor: ⁠Quantum Energy Squares⁠ — 10g of protein, 100mg caffeine. Use code FREAK for 25% off.



On Today’s Show:



00:00:00Sponsor: QuantumSquares.com – Get 25% Off With Promo Code FREAK00:19:20 Introduction02:21:11 What The Hell Does This Listener Sponsor Want?03:26:08 The Wheel Of Misery Returns07:39:11A New DV Number To Remember: 4-HAIRYCUNT12:34:06 Let’s Time Travel To Murder Jesus29:26:24 QuantumSquares.Com – Protein And Caffeine Packed Delicious Squares30:48:01 Goon Out With DV – Support The Show32:57:22 Gas Pumps Make A Great Asshole Scratcher37:53:18 Legal Sized Toilet Paper!41:43:15Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending



🧠 On Today’s Episode:







🎡 Episode Summary



Tim kicks off the week with chaos, caffeine, and a spin of the Wheel of Misery after listener Rafael’s incomprehensible sponsorship note. The punishment: Ten Annoying Voices Throughout the Episode. From shrill grannies to Macy Gray ducks, no eardrum is spared.



Meanwhile, Tim unveils Distorted View’s brand-new text line experiment, a saga involving vanity numbers like 4 DICK FARTS and 4 HAIRY CUNT, which ultimately turns out to be a completely unnecessary purchase thanks to modern phone routing. Still, it’s DV — so it’s staying.



Then, the show spirals into the religiously absurd as Tim reviews the 2022 Christian sci-fi disasterpiece Black Easter (a.k.a. Assassin 33 A.D.) — a film where time-traveling geniuses go back to gun down Jesus Christ. Expect commentary on Jason Castro’s acting, Heidi Montag’s atrocious accent, and the miraculous resurrection of pure cinematic stupidity.



The insanity doesn’t stop there: Tim dissects viral TikToks about gas pump butt-scratchers, bacteria-covered nozzles, and Charmin’s new “Forever Roll” of toilet paper — a Washington Monument–sized log wipe for the truly faithful.







🕹️ Segments



• Wheel of Misery ReturnsRafael’s incoherent sponsor request forces Tim to punish the freaks with ten rounds of auditory hell. “Annoying Voices Throughout the Show” is born.



• New DV Text LineTim’s quest for the perfect vanity number results in 4HAIRYCUNT — later revealed to be totally pointless after migrating the existing Oh God voicemail line. Still, it’s a DV classic in the making.



• Movie Review: “Black Easter / Assassin 33 A.D.”A Christian film so deranged it’s almost perfect for DV. Tim walks through the plot:– Time travelers kill Jesus with guns.– Jesus is cloned in the future.– A scientist named Ram Goldstein exists.– Heidi Montag dies instantly after predicting a miracle.– The Antichrist rises, presumably named Mead Skelton.A five-star page-turner, as Tim puts it.



• Gross TikTok NewsA woman witnesses a man scratching his crusty asshole with a gas pump nozzle. Tim questions her horror — and whether she might just be jealous of his technique.



• Charmin’s “Forever Roll”Tim investigates the new 1,700-sheet roll of TP, mocking its “smooth tear” marketing and challenging himself to devour the roll in two weeks.







🧠 Notable Quotes




“Jesus can turn water into wine — not stop a speeding bullet.”— Tim, defending the physics of Christian cinema





“Four Hairy Cunt might be useless… but it’s a business expense.”— Tim, rationalizing poor life choices