But soft! What light through yonder airbrush breaks -- it is the east, and the book is A.C. Crispin's Rebel Dawn. We're creeping closer to to the moment Han and Chewie walk through the cantina doors in Mos Eisley, but for now we have several scheming Hutts, Chewie romancing his lady friend with some fresh porcupine, and everyone converging on beautiful Cloud City, Bespin -- Han and Lando to play some cards, Bria and Winter (!!) to propose some kind of Rebel study group, and get a nice cup of vine-coffee. Plus, patrons get inventive on galactic Reddit.

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Chewie contemplates the true meaning of a Wookie life debt after an incredibly annoying car ride with his human, Han finds out the perils of competency as he is sent to bribe yet another Imperial commander...and that he loves being on stage, even when not in a sparkly bodysuit. Bria finds out the Imperial Moff she's hitched her wagon to has lost his mind. Hutts continue to Hutt as battles and poisoning schemes approach their inevitable conclusions.

Everything seems to be coming up Han. Boba Fett hasn't shot him with a butt-dart in months. After being dumped by his close-magic girlfriend, he finds a new lady in a Corellian bar (and this new lady doesn't make him wear spangly bodysuits). His buddy Lando bought a shipyard with life-crystal money and leases Han and Chewie their very own ship!! (So what if it's a total lemon and not the Falcon?) All of the Nar Shadda Smuggle Buddies (TM) get together in a space barn on the daily to fix up their ships and trade hot goss. Life is prettay prettay prettayyyyy good...

...until it isn't. For some reason, old Empy P decides to 'crack down on crime', which means going after the Hutts, which means the National Guard is about to get deployed to Nar Shadda. The Hutts think that the best way to smooth this over is to call the only human they know (guess who) to try to make some bargains with the Imperials...

Where to BEGIN. Han and Chewie are living in a shitty apartment and driving a giant space bus while on the run from many a bounty hunter when they end up taking a quick jaunt to Kessel to escape from a very handsy lady Wookie. A.C. Crispin does her level best to explain why you might measure the Kessel Run in parsecs...and more importantly, how Han is, of course, a natural at flying through asteroid fields. Back on Nal Hutta, he finally gets a meeting with Jabba and Jiliac, which leads to a new job and the opportunity to romance a famous (and very serious) magician. Not even magic can save him from Boba Fett, who hits him in the butt with a dart filled with the old "Ella Enchanted" juice. But you know who can? A very handsome, stylishly dressed man who needs some flying lessons in the old hunk of junk freighter he just won in a card game.

Smash cut to our next book...and one Han Solo, recently kicked out of the Imperial Navy after five years of faithful (?) service. He's getting very drunk in a bar and getting very nostalgic about his cool Corellian pants while he tries to get rid of an annoying Wookie who won't stop following him around. It's a good thing Chewbacca did adopt this rescue human at the shelter though, because Han spends the rest of these chapters writing checks his body can't cash. And maybe, just maybe seeing his ex across a crowd of potential pilgrims... 

Han and Bria head to Corellia, where they have an incredibly awkward long weekend with her family ending in Han getting recognized as the swoop champion of all Corellia by Bria's ex. To be fair, he seems hella stoked she's sleeping with such a good swoop pilot. Then it's off for an even more disastrous mini break on Coruscant that ends with Han (failing at) robbing a bank, Bria realizing she needs to deal with her addiction before she can be in a relationship, and Han getting his retinas burned off. Luckily, the Imperial Naval Academy doesn't care if you heart is now a hard empty shell because your girlfriend left you...but they do care if you know about like, jizz and art and stuff. Shrike also doesn't care about the breakup or any of that culture stuff, although he would like the bounty on Han's head. Can't a man enjoy his new retinas and eat his nerf medallions in peace??

Plus, the chat has spoken: we'll continue on to book two, The Hutt Gambit.

The action's really pickin' up, pardners. Han and Muurgh both race to rescue their respective partners from horrible, cult-based slavery with some tastefully designed explosions. Also, they stuff a bunch of antiques into a backpack, do some fancy flying, attend a space-cat wedding, and have some tastefully off-screen sexy times. Plus, we ask: what do we read next?

Emily gets her laptop back. Han Solo does some hand smoochies and gets a reluctant mud bath. Bria gets high and realizes her religion is a sham. Muuurgh plots a murder and goes for a run.

This episode is coming to you late as Emily's solar panels got connected to the grid. We are proud to say that makes Delusions of Grandeur a bi-coastal and (theoretically) carbon-free production thanks to two roofs full of spook crystals!But back to the book: our intrepid hosts describe a whole lotta drugs as Han learns more about the world he's found himself on -- and how the whole 'religion' thing is a front for the drugs thing. Han also meets his 'bodyguard', Muurgh, a high priest with his own museum, and a possibly hot Corellian archeologist wearing a dumb hat while she makes spice. Plus, Han goes on his first drug run, is attacked by pirates, and is forced to touch down on some dumb college planet called Alderaan.

Welcome to a new book, a new trilogy, and some classic Dickensian capers! We've got a young Han [neé Solo], some bleak living conditions, a gang of juvenile pickpockets, brutal adults, furry best friends slash 'bodyguards', and a Bel Iblis cameo. Join us as we uncover the true story of how Han Solo became the galaxy's premier grump by the ripe old age of 29...ish.

Gather 'round, fellow #GilroyGirls. In response to the INJUSTICE of Andor Season 2's Emmys snubs, we bring you this special episode where we yell about all that we loved about Andor (both seasons) and what we thought was missing and what we could have done without.

*Not actually four hours

**Ended up being about more than just Bix

Tyranny got you down? Find one of our favorite Andor meme-makers on Insta @ wolfwrentruther for incredible Andor memes and links to donate to the Palestine Children's Relief Fund. The galaxy is watching!

Our resident cop/fighter jock races to rescue his wife and tie up many an outstanding plot point with a mere 7 chapters of runway. He and Elegos team up as space Batman and Alfred as they spook a bunch of superstitious pilots into panic calling Tavira -- and almost get rumbled when Corran finds himself sprinting through the city buck naked and clutching a lightsaber. Their plan works, and Tavira and her secret Force user allies show up...and so do Luke Skywalker and Corran's bff Ooryl. After a surprisingly effective round of good cop, bad cop, ysalamiri cop, Corran et al head off to find Mirax, defeat sexy baby space pirates, and blow up Exar Kun's statue just for fun. 10/12 parsecs. Plus, we reveal the results of our next book poll!

Boy howdy, folks. After juping around in space, Corran gets into a fistfight with the concept of Dark Side/his annoying rival and meets a very interesting twice-dispossessed refugee. In a just galaxy he would then be sent straight to horny jail after an interrogation by Admiral Tavira turns into a blood-soaked make out sesh. Alas, we do not read in a just galaxy. This leads our hosts to ponder the eternal questions of fanfic: sure, Star Wars should always be more horny, but Debbie...like this? And, of course: are you truly cheating on your spouse if the only way to get them out of a coma is to fuck a homicidal baddie?

Corran makes nice with some of the Invids by bringing them that fancy shuttle they were trying to steal, starting a months-long (!?!) project of working his way up the ladder to get onto the Invidious as crew and find Mirax. His new wingwoman tells him there's two ways: fancy flying or fucking the captain. In this fic, Corran chooses the flying, which brings him face to face with Rogue Squadron...and with Kelly's hardest challenge yet: describing a protracted space battle solo.

The Horn boys do some gardening (revealing a whole bunch of Jedi secrets under a pile of literal bullshit), then go out to dinner at Corellia's fanciest new molecular gastronomy restaurant, much to Corran's delight. But big steaks and big secrets make for bad dreams, and Corran wakes up determined to go back to his old self to save his wife. Conveniently, that was the guy who went undercover with pirates all the time! But first, he's got to stop a teenage Rouge Squadron fanboy from draxxing some sklounsts his body can't draxx, do some fancy flying, and critique Mara Jade's wardrobe (perhaps the most dangerous mission of all).

After making a terrible executive decision that lacerates his kidneys, Corran IDGAF Horn is rescued from Exar Kun by his Verbally Confirmed Friend Mara Jade. The other Jedi do some magic or something and Exar Kun gets Exar-cised. Don't think about it too much — Corran doesn't. Luke wakes up from his coma (or was it the nap he was actually looking for all along?), pardons genocidal maniac Kyp Durron, and we can finally leave this wizard shit behind to get into some real Corellian noir investigations.

We're here for the descriptions of Booster Terrik's Errant Venture (TV series, when?) and Corran's horticulturalist political puppet-master grandpa (Tony Gilroy, you would love this guy).

Much happens in these chapters, a lot of it off screen for Jedi Academy (and maybe copyright?) reasons. Luke falls into a Sith-induced coma! Corran and R2 engage in light espionage! Leia sweeps in looking like a hero of the Rebellion! Han Solo cooks a delicious meal and abandons his family! And we see one strong advantage the books have over the movies as Kyp destroys Carida and our apprentices feel the horror in real time. Plus, the Last Temptation of Corran Horn (directed by Exar Kun) debuts to less than rave reviews.

Things are heating up on Yavin 4. Mara Jade arrives in a tasteful jumpsuit, only to have her car jacked almost as soon as she parks. Rough neighborhood! Now, she is forced to hang out with her cool friend's meathead husband for a whole week. Corran's various investigations aren't going particularly well, but he does use his skills as a Corellian to cook everyone a succulent Yavanese meal . And what thanks does he get? Being Force-slammed into a wall by one Kyp Durron, then having to do all the dishes and be Luke Skywalker's part time therapist. What's the point of being a Jedi if you can't even get out of the third shift?

Corran shows up late to class on the one day someone's trying to kill Luke Skywalker -- who seems weirdly unconcerned that one of his students came at him with a freshly built lightsaber. He is more concerned when Gantoris and said lightsaber are found freshly Force barbecued, alone in his room. Finally, Corran has a chance to shine...as a detective and a TA. Not so much as a Jedi. Most unfortunately, Corran becomes increasingly distracted by how hot Tionne looks in green library lighting, while Luke is increasingly distracted by the latest sadboi to show up at the Academy -- one Kyp Durron.