Divorce is one of the most life-altering decisions you’ll ever make. It doesn’t just affect you — it ripples through your children, extended family, finances, and even your identity. That’s why, before you file papers or emotionally check out for good, you owe it to yourself (and your partner) to have these 5 essential conversations to see if divorce is really what you need. It’s your best chance of learning how to prevent divorce.They might not solve everything, but they will give you clarity — so you know you’re not walking away with unresolved regrets. These aren’t easy. But they’re necessary. Don’t walk away without first talking through these. Want Help Having These Conversations? These 5 conversations are at the heart of our 2-day private marriage therapy weekend. They’re structured, guided, and facilitated by Rabbi Shlomo or our trained therapists—so you’re not just rehashing pain. You’re finally making progress. If you and your spouse are struggling to talk without fighting, shutting down, or going in circles, let us help.

Can having kids ruin a relationship? What we WISH we would have known about having children and our marriage.
In this episode, we explore the immense strain that having children can place on marriages. With parents ranking as the most stressed adult population in the U.S., we dive into the challenges that arise in relationships, offering insight into why this happens and how couples can navigate these stressful times. Learn how to strengthen your bond despite the pressures of parenthood!

Key Takeaways


Political differences in marriage don’t have to be make-or-break issues.


Disagreements become destructive when they are handled with reactivity instead of curiosity.


Learning to separate identity from ideology helps partners avoid personalizing differences.


Respect, empathy, and boundaries are essential tools when spouses disagree on politics.


Strong marriages are built on shared values of connection, not uniformity in opinions.


Why Politics Create Tension in Marriage
Few issues stir as much emotion as politics. When your spouse disagrees on politics, conversations can quickly escalate into arguments, leaving both partners feeling misunderstood or even betrayed.
But disagreement over candidates, policies, or ideology doesn’t automatically mean your marriage is doomed. What matters is how you handle those differences.
Should Political Differences Define a Relationship?
It’s natural to wonder: Can political differences ruin a marriage?
The short answer: only if you let them. While shared values about family, honesty, and respect are crucial, not every political disagreement signals a dealbreaker.
According to research on marriage and political views, couples can thrive even with differing ideologies — provided they maintain mutual respect and don’t let politics overshadow their relationship identity.
Practical Strategies for Handling Political Disagreements in Marriage


Stay Curious, Not CombativeInstead of trying to “win” the argument, ask: “What values lead you to that belief?” Understanding the “why” fosters empathy.


Set BoundariesAgree on when and how political discussions will happen — and when to hit pause. For example: “No political talk during family dinner.”


Focus on Shared ValuesPolitics may divide, but love, family goals, and the desire for stability are often stronger. Revisit what unites you.


Don’t Personalize BeliefsYour partner’s political stance is not a rejection of you. Keep identity and ideology separate.


Seek Outside Help if NeededIf political fights dominate, couples counseling or a marriage intensive retreat can provide tools for healthier communication.


When Politics Divide Couples: Red Flags


Disagreements become constant and hostile.


One partner uses politics to belittle or shame the other.


Political identity begins to overshadow relationship identity.


Family events or friendships are derailed by uncontained conflict.


If these patterns are ongoing, they may signal deeper relational issues that need addressing beyond politics.
FAQs
Q: Should I stay married if my spouse’s politics are opposite mine?It depends. If you share core relationship values (trust, respect, commitment), you can often work through political differences with boundaries and empathy.
Q: How do I avoid constant fights about politics?Set limits on when and how to talk about politics. Focus on listening instead of persuading. Shift attention back to common goals and your bond.
Q: What if political differences affect parenting decisions?This is a deeper conversation about values. Couples therapy can help align on parenting priorities even if political views diverge.
Q: Can marriage counseling help if politics are dividing us?Yes. Structured approaches like Imago Therapy help couples communicate safely and find connection beyond ideology.
Sources


Pew Research Center (2020). The Role of Politics in Personal Relationships.


Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.


Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2019).

It’s very tempting to think you aren’t on the same page anymore as your partner. Your goals and priorities are just too different. And that makes sense, after all, you might have some real disagreements about some hot button issues. 🔥🔥
✅ Sometimes though, your goals ARE a match to your partners’ but there has been a lot of negativity getting in the way which makes it seem like you’re just on a different page than your spouse.
✨ Take a moment to reflect on the reasons you came together in the first place. What shared values and interests initially drew you to each other?
Try the Relationship Vision exercise that we speak about in the video. Grab the pass back and forth journal we created for couples to be able to do this exercise: https://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Vision-Couples-Reconnection-Journal/dp/B0863LG16Y/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1L3LU2E6FMPBK&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.0-mcAaBumeu8lESOLac9w5F-eOF4iVQQHMWOFW4ohMvGjHj071QN20LucGBJIEps.05rVCzLYxnVhq8LKvzolXlThHXOFrjnCbVwK2Upvrbw&dib_tag=se&keywords=relationship+vision+couples+reconnection+journal&qid=1722455520&sprefix=relationship+vision+couples+reconnection+journal%2Caps%2C114&sr=8-1
💗Enjoy our content and want more?
Download our 📖 free guide, 💗60 Seconds to a Happy & Healthy Marriage💗: https://themarriagerestorationproject.com/free-guide-60-second-plan-to-a-happy-and-healthy-marriage/

Key Takeaways




* Relationship wounds and anxiety often begin in childhood when parents are unable to fully attune to their children.



* Generational trauma in marriage shows up as unmet needs, anxiety, and difficulty regulating emotions.



* Anxiety limits brain development and impacts the ability to form healthy, connected relationships.



* Healing begins with safe emotional connection, empathy, and tools like the Imago Dialogue.



* Breaking the cycle of trauma creates healthier marriages and families for future generations.




Why Anxiety in Relationships Runs So Deep



We are wounded in relationships — often in childhood — and those wounds shape how we show up as adults. If our parents struggled with anxiety passed down from their own parents, they may not have been able to fully attune to our needs.



This isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness. Anxiety hinders brain development, making it harder to regulate emotions, feel safe, and form healthy bonds later in life.



Left unhealed, this becomes generational trauma in marriage, where the anxiety and disconnection of one generation is repeated in the next.



How Generational Trauma Affects Marriage



If you’ve ever felt:




* Unseen or unheard by your partner



* Triggered by small disagreements that spiral into anxiety



* Like you’re repeating the same patterns your parents had…




You may be experiencing the ripple effect of generational trauma.



Couples often unconsciously replay their childhood wounds in marriage. For example:




* A spouse who felt ignored as a child may feel deeply rejected when their partner is distracted.



* A partner who grew up with chaos may overreact to small conflicts.




The good news? These patterns can be healed.



How to Heal Relationship Anxiety




* Acknowledge the WoundsHealing relationship anxiety starts by recognizing that much of it isn’t “your fault.” It began long before you — but you can stop the cycle.



* Create Emotional SafetyHealing requires a relationship where both partners can calm each other through body language, eye contact, and safe communication. When partners co-regulate, anxiety begins to ease.



* Use the Imago DialogueThis structured process of listening, mirroring, and validating is one of the most powerful ways to heal childhood wounds and relationship anxiety. It creates safety where both partners feel seen and understood.



* Practice Daily AttunementNotice your partner’s emotional states. Offer comfort instead of defensiveness. These small moments of connection retrain the nervous system and rebuild trust.




How to Stop Generational Trauma in Its Tracks



Generational trauma is not destiny. By learning how to:




* Regulate anxiety within yourself and with your partner



* Speak and listen in safe, connected ways



* Model calmness and connection for your children




…you break the cycle. Your marriage becomes a place of healing childhood wounds, not repeating them.



FAQs



Q: Can marriage really heal childhood wounds?Yes. Research shows that safe, connected relationships help the brain rewire, calming anxiety and repairing attachment wounds.

Key Takeaways




* There are three main stages of marriage: Romantic Love, the Power Struggle, and Mature Love.



* Recognizing your stage helps you understand challenges, normalize struggles, and set realistic expectations.



* The romantic love stage feels euphoric, but it doesn’t last forever.



* The power struggle stage is often where couples either grow stronger or drift apart.



* The mature love stage is defined by trust, stability, and a lasting bond.




Why Understanding the Stages of Marriage Matters



Every relationship evolves. Knowing which stage you’re in can:




* Ease anxiety when difficulties arise.



* Help you decide whether to push forward, seek help, or make changes.



* Remind you that conflict doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed — it often means you’re progressing naturally.




Psychologists like Harville Hendrix (Getting the Love You Want) and John Gottman (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) emphasize that relationships go through predictable phases. Couples who understand the stages of marriage are better prepared to navigate challenges without giving up too soon.



Stage 1: The Romantic Love Stage



This is the romantic love stage — marked by excitement, passion, and idealization. Couples in this stage:




* Feel “in love” and inseparable.



* Overlook flaws and differences.



* Experience intense emotional and physical connection.




Important to remember: this stage is natural, but temporary. Many couples panic when the intensity fades, assuming love is gone, when in fact they’re simply transitioning into the next stage.



Stage 2: The Power Struggle Stage



After the honeymoon glow fades, reality sets in. This is the power struggle stage in marriage, and it’s often the hardest. Couples may:




* Notice each other’s flaws and habits more clearly.



* Experience frequent misunderstandings and disagreements.



* Feel disappointed or even question the relationship.




This stage is critical. About half of couples break up here, while others drift into “roommate marriages.” But couples who commit to learning healthy communication, validation, and compromise can turn the power struggle into a foundation for lasting connection.



Stage 3: The Mature Love Stage



Couples who persevere and do the inner work arrive at the mature love stage. Here, love is less about butterflies and more about:




* Deep companionship and mutual respect.



* Security, stability, and trust.



* A balanced partnership where both partners feel valued.




This stage is fulfilling because it’s rooted in reality. Mature love is resilient — it weathers storms and grows stronger through them.



How to Move Through the Stages of Marriage




* Normalize conflict: Recognize that struggles are part of growth.



* Seek support: Counseling, marriage retreats, or structured dialogues help couples stuck in the power struggle.



* Invest in growth: Learn tools like Imago Dialogue to reconnect and heal childhood wounds.



* Focus on daily rituals: Small acts of appreciation and attunement move couples toward mature love.

The Shattering Impact of Betrayal
Few things shake a marriage like infidelity. Whether it’s an emotional affair, physical betrayal, or secret online connection, the effect is the same: a deep rupture of trust. Many spouses describe it as having the rug pulled out from under them — suddenly questioning everything they thought they knew about their partner and their life together.
The pain is real, but so is the possibility of healing. Research shows that over half of marriages can survive infidelity when couples commit to the hard work of repair and use professional guidance¹.
The Stages of Infidelity Recovery
Every couple’s journey looks different, but most follow a similar progression:


Crisis & Shock


Discovery of the affair


Waves of anger, grief, and disbelief


Questions about whether the marriage can continue




Understanding & Accountability


The unfaithful partner must take full responsibility


Transparency (sharing passwords, eliminating secrecy)


Listening without defensiveness to the hurt they’ve caused




Rebuilding Safety


Re-establishing boundaries


Creating rituals of honesty and check-ins


Beginning to address underlying needs




Renewal or Re-Decision


Couples either move toward reconnection and a new kind of trust


Or decide respectfully to part ways with clarity and dignity




Why Affair Recovery Feels Overwhelming
Infidelity—whether physical or emotional—creates trauma in a marriage. The betrayed partner often experiences symptoms similar to PTSD: intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, and swings between anger and despair . The unfaithful partner may feel guilt, shame, and uncertainty about how to help.
Trying to navigate all of this without support can leave both of you feeling lost, stuck, or more disconnected than ever. That’s why guidance—through counseling, structured conversations, and resources—is essential.
Tools That Help Couples Survive the Infidelity and Rebuild Trust
Surviving infidelity isn’t about “forgetting” or “moving on” quickly — it’s about building something new on more solid ground. Helpful approaches include:


Intentional Dialogue (from Imago Therapy)²: Slowing conversations down so both partners feel heard, validated, and safe.


**Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)**³: Identifying unmet needs underneath anger or withdrawal, and fostering new emotional bonds.


Discernment Counseling⁴: For mixed-agenda couples, offering clarity about whether to repair or separate respectfully.


Weekly Therapy vs. a Marriage Intensive After Infidelity
Weekly 50-minute sessions can feel too fragmented for couples in crisis. Just as conversations deepen, the session ends — and hurt festers for another week.
A private marriage intensive retreat provides:


Two full days of immersion (8–12 hours total)


Safe, structured space to process betrayal without distractions


Tools to rebuild trust in real-time


Follow-up sessions to make sure progress sticks


For many couples, this format accelerates healing that might otherwise take months.
Stories of Hope
I recently worked with a couple — let’s call them Mark and Alisa — who came to me after an affair nearly ended their marriage. Mark was drowning in guilt; Alisa was furious and heartbroken....

Hiring a marriage counselor is one of the most important relationship decisions you’ll ever make—and not all therapists are equally equipped to help. Many couples unknowingly choose a counselor based on location, insurance coverage, or availability, only to discover that the fit isn’t right or the results are underwhelming.
In this guide, you’ll learn how to choose the right marriage counselor in three simple but powerful steps—so you can avoid costly mistakes, feel confident in your choice, and get the help your relationship truly needs.
Finding a therapist can be challenging—finding the right couples therapist can feel even harder. That’s because not every therapist who offers couples counseling is trained to do it effectively1.
Couples therapy requires specialized skills and training that go beyond what most general therapists learn in their degree programs. Choosing the wrong therapist can not only waste time and money but, in some cases, even make things worse2.
Here is a podcast episode to listen to that can help you find the best therapist for your marriage along with three research-backed steps to help you choose a couples therapist who can truly help your relationship.
1. Research to Find Experienced, Licensed Couples Therapy Experts
Don’t just pick the closest therapist in your insurance network—dig deeper. Many therapists offer couples counseling without advanced certification in evidence-based approaches.
Look for therapists who:


Holds a license in professional counseling or marriage and family therapy.


Have specific advanced training in couples therapy models with proven effectiveness, such as Imago Relationship Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), or the Gottman Method3.


Can provide evidence of ongoing professional development in couples work.


Therapists trained in these methods tend to achieve better outcomes for couples because they address deeper relational patterns rather than just surface-level conflict4.
2. Interview Them Before You Commit
A therapist’s qualifications are important—but so is the fit between you and them. Research shows that the quality of the client–therapist relationship (often called the “therapeutic alliance”) is one of the strongest predictors of success in therapy5.
Before committing, ask:


What is your specific training and certification in couples therapy?


How do you approach couples where one partner is reluctant or ambivalent?


Have you worked with couples facing challenges similar to ours?


A good couples therapist should welcome these questions and provide clear, thoughtful answers. If you leave the conversation feeling uneasy, keep looking.
3. Explore Alternatives to Weekly Marriage Counseling Sessions
Traditional once-a-week therapy works well for some couples—bu...

When your marriage is struggling, the last thing you want is to spend months—or even years—sitting in weekly counseling sessions that leave you feeling stuck.
Intensive marriage retreats offer a faster, more effective path to clarity. In just a few days, you and your spouse can uncover whether your marriage is salvageable and start building the connection you’ve been longing for.
The Problem With Weekly Counseling


Traditional counseling often drags on for months without real breakthroughs.1


If your spouse is already hesitant, one bad session can turn them off from therapy altogether.2


Couples in deep crisis simply don’t have the luxury of waiting years for change.3


Why Choose a Marriage Retreat Instead?
An intensive retreat is like an intervention for your relationship. It’s immersive, structured, and designed to create momentum quickly. Rather than piecing together progress over dozens of weekly sessions, you’ll spend concentrated time focusing only on your marriage—without the distractions of everyday life.4
Find the Right Retreat for You


Private Marriage Retreats Near You – Personalized and confidential support.


2024–2025 Costa Rica Retreats – A tropical, transformational experience for couples.


Weekend Marriage Workshops – Perfect if you’re short on time but ready to reconnect.


What Should You Do Next?
If you’re considering separation, don’t rush into it without exploring your options. Listen to this episode:👉 Are Trial Separations a Good Idea? Do They Really Work?
You’ll discover whether trial separations help—or if they actually make things harder.
Key Takeaways


Weekly counseling can be slow, drawn-out, and discouraging if your marriage is in crisis.


Intensive marriage retreats deliver breakthroughs quickly, often achieving in a weekend what might take months in therapy.


A retreat provides clarity and momentum, helping you know whether your relationship can be repaired.


Before considering a separation, it’s wise to explore immersive options that give your marriage the best chance.



Sources

Footnotes


Lebow, J., Chambers, A., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. (2012).

Listen to the episode below for insight into healing a relationship when trust is broken.

One of the most common questions we hear is:
“What do I do if my spouse refuses marriage counseling?”
It can feel discouraging when one partner is open to seeking help while the other is resistant. Maybe your spouse had a bad experience in the past. Maybe they don’t believe therapy works. Or maybe they simply don’t want to talk about your relationship in front of someone else.
Whatever the reason, you’re not alone—and you still have options. Here are four approaches that can help when your partner won’t come to counseling.
1. Avoid Ultimatums (No Begging, Threatening, or Nagging)
It’s natural to feel desperate when your relationship is struggling, but ultimatums often backfire. Saying things like “If you don’t come to therapy, I’m leaving” can create more resistance instead of openness.
Instead, try expressing your feelings calmly and respectfully:


“I feel sad that we’re struggling, and I’d really like us to work on this together.”


“I want to understand you better, and I think counseling could help us both feel heard.”


The key is to invite, not pressure. When your partner feels respected—not cornered—they’re more likely to soften.
2. Try the Route of Co-Parenting, Closure, or Conscious Uncoupling
Sometimes a reluctant partner may be more open if the focus is framed differently:


Co-parenting support: Position counseling as a way to protect your kids from conflict, even if the marriage is uncertain.


Closure conversations: Suggest therapy as a safe space to process what happened, even if they believe the relationship is over.


Conscious uncoupling: For some, knowing therapy isn’t about “fixing” but about finding clarity or parting peacefully removes pressure and opens the door.


Reframing therapy around these goals can shift their mindset from “I don’t need this” to “Maybe this could help.”
3. Work on Yourself First
Even if your spouse won’t join you, your own growth can change the relationship dynamic. Individual therapy or coaching can help you:


Understand your own triggers and attachment patterns


Learn healthier communication skills


Set clear boundaries without hostility


Model the kind of change you’d like to see in your marriage


Surprisingly, when one partner begins to shift, the other often follows. Sometimes your spouse just needs to see that change is possible.
4. Try the “180” Approach
The “180” (popularized by divorce recovery communities) means doing the opposite of what hasn’t worked. Instead of chasing, pleading, or over-functioning in the relationship:


You focus on your own well-being


You set healthy boundaries


You stop trying to control your partner’s choices


The goal isn’t manipulation—it’s reclaiming your self-respect and breaking negative cycles. Often, when the pressure lifts, the resistant spouse notices the change and becomes curious or more willing to engage.
Can Marriage Counseling Work if Only One Person Goes?
Yes—while it’s ideal for both partners to attend, change can start with one person. By shifting how you show up, you can influence the dynamic. Over time, your spouse may feel safer and more open to participating.
Key Takeaway
If your spouse won’t come to counseling, you’re not powerless. Avoid ultimatums, reframe therapy as co-parenting or closure, work on yourself, and try the 180. Many couples we’ve worked with have seen real breakthroughs when just one partner made the first move.
Remember: it only takes one person to start changing the dance.

Therapists often recommend doing a trial separation from each other to see if absence can make the heart grow fonder for couples that are going through a lot of conflict.
But is this recommendation a good idea? Do trial separations really work?
In this podcast episode below, we discuss three reasons why trial separation may not be the best bet for your marriage.
Here’s why trying to heal through separation may backfire.
❌ Distancing from your partner doesn’t really give you the opportunity to do the work you need on the triggers that come up through living with your partner! When you work on your relationship, with IN your relationship, you really get to see to see in real time if things can get better, not through separating to see if things can get better.
❌Once you’ve opened the door and left, you’ve crossed the barrier to leaving. It’s much easier to stay apart once you’ve already got another place to go that might feel a lot more enjoyable than it is to currently live with your partner.
We’ve seen many couples come very close to reconciliation and the decision to mend the marriage only to get cold feet because they had a place to come back to.
❌ Self focused personal growth can often be self-ish. People need space but when the focus becomes all about “what I need” and “what’s best for me”, “my life”, “my goals” – The odds of reconciliation are much harder after the trial separation after that kind of time being spent alone.
✅ Real self growth is actually becoming more accepting of others, even when feeling like a partner may not be as developed as you are- becoming curious rather than feeling judgmental, like they are holding you back.
✅ The relationship work is the hard stuff! Self growth work can be very pleasurable as opposed to dealing with a spouse who is pushing your buttons, within your own home, that’s annoying and hard, but that’s the REAL work. If you can become introspective enough about why your spouse bothers you so much, you’ll realize how much childhood baggage you are bringing into your relationship and accomplish much more than a trial separation can give you.
✅ The marriage work to save your marriage doesn’t need to be long and arduous.
We offer short term intensive marriage retreats that are as short as two days to begin giving you the clarity you need about whether or not you should stay together.
✅ https://themarriagerestorationproject.com/marriage-intensives
🖐️ Find out what we did to fix our own marriage- Download our Free 60 Second Plan to a Happy & Healthy Marriage- what took us many years to figure out, we’ve distilled for you in 60 seconds.
✅ https://themarriagerestorationproject.com/free-guide-60-second-plan-to-a-happy-and-healthy-marriage/
🖐️ Come see us at our upcoming marriage intensive retreats, for a quick infusion of foundational marriage principles and actual tools that you can use at home to get through the difficulties that life throws at us!
✅ https://themarriagerestorationproject.com/imago-weekend-marriage-workshops
With best wishes for your relationship success!
Shlomo and Rivka Slatkin

Listen to the podcast episode below to find out what we are struggling with! We’re currently working on a program on this topic. If you think our struggle resembles your own and you wish to learn more, watch the video below to get further help!
 How to Thrive as a Couple without Letting the Stress of Raising ADD/ADHD Kids (or an ADHD spouse!) Take Away from Your Sanity

Worksheets on Neurodiversity for couples struggling with ADHD or other Neurodiverse conditions

Rivka: You might be listening on our podcast. Maybe watching a Youtube video. And whatever the case is today we want to talk to you about boredom in a marriage because we have a lot of readers writing to us things like, “I love my husband, and he’s such a great dad and he’s a great guy, but I’m bored. What can I do? Should I leave?” And so we want to address this topic. We’re approaching our eighteenth year together.
Shlomo: (jokes) This is not a personal topic.
Rivka: So let’s talk about boredom in a marriage.
Shlomo: So what are some of the things that are signs of boredom or what is it that you actually think you should be doing? I think a lot of these ideas about what we should be doing in a relationship or whether we’re bored or not is on is based on what we see on social media. People are looking on Facebook and they see that so and so went on vacation somewhere or look how much fun they’re having and of course looks can be deceiving. Because behind the scenes they could be hating each other’s guts but look like they’re having a great time where they’ll be going on an exotic vacation, so all because you see other couples doing things doesn’t mean that they have a good relationship. It doesn’t mean that somebody’s not cheating or someone’s not going to be getting divorced tomorrow. I sure hope not – but just want to put that in perspective for you so kind of getting outside of that external world and thinking about inside of me, what is it that I really need to have in our relationship?
Rivka: And that’s an interesting point because it can be really easy to fall into that trap of what society is posting or talking about and it seems like everybody else is having this or the Fear of Missing Out Syndrome. Fomo. And it seems like as we get busier and more bigger lives than it’s like the space grows bigger that we need to fill in the boredom. I’m just thinking for instance you know when I was a kid, I never saw anybody posting about exotic vacations in Italy or the Dominican Republic and I never really thought of those places as attractive destinations but now I see everybody posting about Italy, and everybody posting by Dominican Republic or maybe not so much now but and it’s really widened my horizons and it’s widened the things that I want because it’s just out there and I see it now.
Shlomo: That they should be attainable and then why are we not doing that is the question. And sometimes we need to think, well how old are these people? Someone’s been working for forty years, they’ve retired, they’ve amassed wealth, they might be able to do these types of things. They don’t have the same type of responsibilities as a young couple that’s raising children. So we have to look at reality as opposed to what you’re seeing out there. We’re not saying you should be bored at home and just doing things like making lunches and folding laundry all day, depending on who’s working, who’s at home. It’s important to spice up your relationship, it’s important to have excitement. It’s important to do fun things together. And that’s one of the things that we encourage couples to do. We have exercises where we actually “plan” fun, how boring! But because people are not having fun it’s important to actually schedule to make sure that you have a weekly date, weekly high energy fun activities that you can do together with your spouse so that you can have fun. So it is important but it’s also just as important not to think that because I’m not doing this (having fun) that my relationship is over, that I should marry someone else because if you have responsibilities you’re not going to be able to have… your life’s not going to be all fun and games so...

When your wife won’t speak to you. How to handle the silent treatment. Transcript of Episode.

Intro: You ask, we answer. Welcome to Can This Marriage Be Saved, where we go against common relationship problems and help you determine if this relationship should stay or go.
Rivka: Welcome to another great episode. Today we are going to talk about what to do when your wife won’t talk to you, whether she’s giving you the silent treatment or you just have no idea what’s going on, but she is not responding to you. What can you do? So, Shlomo you’re the marriage counselor I’m your wife, take it away!
Shlomo: When your spouse is not talking to you or giving you the silent treatment, it can be extremely uncomfortable to say the least, and it’s always a question of what do I do? Do I reach out? Do I try to engage? Is it better just to give space? I think that you probably know your history in your relationship. How things have worked and normally what happens when a person is in the space where they don’t want to talk. So it could be they’re upset about something, they’re not feeling safe. There could be a lot of anger pent up, so, in the past, what have you done? Sometimes it’s better just to give a little space until things cool off. At the same time you’re trying to be friendly, trying to be nice but not expecting any kind of change in return. And then for others, you may need to actually pursue your spouse and try to engage and ask them what they need and ask if they want to talk.
Rivka: I’m just realizing that I think….
Shlomo: What I do with you?
Rivka: OK, I think you do that with me sometimes. I mean I really, really try to never get in this state because with all the work that we’ve done on our marriage over the last almost nineteen years. I know it’s not good to give someone the silent treatment when you’re angry, and it’s good to use your words and it’s good to communicate in a safe way. But, sometimes if I get extremely angry, I do know that in that moment, I do not want to talk to you and I know in the past that’s when you started to sort of pursue me like when you say, “Can I get you hot drink? Would you like a tea?” And then sometimes I just {laughing} you keep asking and then I sort of melt because I can’t resist a hot cup of tea when I’m feeling very emotional, very moody so I realize I’m laughing because in the advice you’re giving it’s kind of describing me.
Shlomo: Personal version, so it’s spoken from experience.
Rivka: But it works, I mean ….
Shlomo: I find that….. first of all to defend myself is not going to make it better. It’s going to make it worse so what I typically do is I kill it with kindness. Doing acts of service, being kind, being nice, doing things trying to go out of the way. To be helpful with the hope that at some point the mood will change and inevitably the mood does change. And at some point you realize that because usually people aren’t going to give you the silent treatment permanently.
Rivka: Hopefully not.
Shlomo: Hopefully not, though it does sometimes happen and once that’s the case then ultimately if you’re in that situation it’s important to be able to work on your relationship and learn how to be able to communicate better, because you don’t want to get to a place where there’s silent treatment. So, sometimes when I’m working with couples they’ll say, “You know since we began this process with you it used to be that we would have a fight and we wouldn’t speak for a week and now it’s like two hours so it’s progress.” So the idea is working on your relationship- being able to work through the issues, learn how to communicate more effectively so you feel heard and understood. Helps change the dynamics.

Many of you feel like you're in a boring marriage. Trying to decide what to do about it- if you should stay or go.
It's a huge decision to make and we don't want you to make it hastily.
After all, your spouse is a lovely person. He may be a great dad or she's a great mom. And they love you. They just bore you.

Identify if you're a Turtle or a Hailstorm because once you do, all of the mixed emotions that you have about your partner will become clear as day!

Sometimes as seemingly simple as having fun is just not fun at all! Fun may bring up childhood trauma believe it or not and that trauma may tarnish the experiences that you are now TRYING to have with your current partner and children. Listen to discover more about your experience and relationship with FUN.

How to save a marriage when you're the only one trying does NOT include listening to SELFISH relationship advice that is commonly offered by friends, family, and even therapists. Listen now to find out what it DOES involve so that you can start winning your uninterested and distant spouse back ASAP.