You're a preternaturally speedy blue animal that talks, A.K.A a hedgehog. Dr. Robotnik has launched a plan to brainwash the world through his media monopoly, and it's up to you to stop him! Unfortunately, "go fast" is really the only tool in your toolbox, so good look figuring out how to leverage that in the increasingly global corporate marketplace. Will you have all your clothes stolen to no obvious end or effect? Will you experience carnal stirrings for any bats or squirrels? And will you, at any point, actually "go fast"? Hold on to your chaos emeralds, 'cause you're about to find out. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

A billionaire who definitely isn't John Hammond has a private island that's definitely not called Jurassic Park where he has developed a method of resurrecting dinosaurs that definitely isn't by extracting their blood from mosquitoes trapped in amber (except that it is exactly that). Anyway, your plane crashed on this island and everyone died except you and your bestest buds. Sounds like an adventure waiting to happen. If only you could find those damn dinosaurs. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

The gamebook is afoot! You're not Sherlock Holmes, in fact your very existence is a mockery of everything he represents. But when Doctor Watson is accused of murder, somebody has to crack the case, and inexplicably neither the police nor Sherlock's own brother really feel like it's worth the hassle. Will you gather the clues needed to solve the mystery? Or will you just stand there drooling on yourself as witness after witness is fruitlessly paraded by? Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Morrrrphhhhh! When Xavier is off vacationing in space and Cyclops is off crying in bed or something, there's no one left to command the X-Men but... well, us. We'll take on classic X-Men enemies like rec league baseball, customer service numbers, and the Roomba. Danger Roomba? Nope just a Roomba. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Your search for justice has brought you to the stinkiest town on the continent. Your mission? To wander the streets having random encounters until someone tells you what your mission is. Will winning a ball tossing contest reveal your true goal? Will soaking a flower in dog blood somehow give you a sense of direction? Can you trade bodily structure for narrative structure by surrendering your bones to a night club? Probably you should have just read the preface. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Imagine a dimension you cannot imagine. It's like the three dimensions you're used to, except that it is distinct in every way. A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of choice. And hate. But mostly choice. Infinite choice. Uncountably infinite choice, and also hate. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Galaxy-burning wars betwixt spacefaring races. Majestic dragons with crystalline doppelgangers. Priceless glass bottles that can save the planet with a single tone.    Also gross malnourished horses, an army of Laura Derns, excessive sexual innuendos, and an ill-fated QVC bit. You get what you pay for.   Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You're a spy kid! Again! This time your mission is to track down a time traveling invisible vampire who can explode like an atomic bomb. No really. But it's totally fine, because you've got a spiffy attaché case. Check and mate.   Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You're Spider-Man. Or possibly the restless ghost of Spider-Man, but you don't know that yet. Probably you should be saving New York from supervillains, but wouldn't it be more fun to spend basically the entire book just pontificating about how muscles work and harassing the citizenry? We think so. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Books about paranormal detective children will never get old. Period. Will your discerning but cruel powers of deduction alienate you from everyone you meet? Will you immediately give up on solving crimes in favor of committing them? Will you actually see a ghost and, if so, will it be the first creature you meet that wears pants? Grab a juice box, it's time to hunt ghosts. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Another week, another chance to save the land of Zork! Will Bivotar and Juranda destroy all 3 square miles of the continent by activating the inexplicable self-destruct function on a local dam? Will they give away their legendary artifacts of unfathomable power to the first rando who asks nicely? And will their efforts earn them a Big Napkin? Get your pronoun-disambiguation detective hat on, we're going back in. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You've been transported to the mystical realm of 1980s text-based computer games! Which is to say, a fantasy kingdom where a couple of children with an inexplicable penchant for stumbling upon plot-relevant doodads are the only hope against a malevolent shrimp tyrant. Will you seize victory over a basement hobo with your sword of lasciviousness? Will you build a hot air balloon out of, like, a tunic and some rocks? Will you find the fabled trove of dadmags? Grab your battery-powered lantern, because you are likely to be eaten by a grue. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

The Evil Power Master has been revived, and agents Vern and B0 have just one chance to stop him and escape with their lives. When the chips are down, will B0 have enough microscopes to defeat evil? And when the chips are in a vending machine, will Vern be able to resist? Will that Rendoxoll guy contribute anything other than unbridled dickishness? Find out at thought speed in this, the finale of the EPM Files trilogy! Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You've been invited to try not to die in a dungeon! There's probably more motivation than that, but who can be bothered to read the prologue? Will you be guilted to death by a fatherly bird statue? Devoured by an overly possessive giant fly? Or will you just die of food poisoning from that jerky you took off a barbarian corpse? It's time to test your luck, may your stamina never fail, etc etc LET'S DO THIS. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

An Evil Power Master cult has seized an orbit station for unknown purposes, and Rapid Force agents Vern and B0 are behind enemy lines. Will Vern manage to escape the hostile cultists with nothing but his encyclopedic knowledge of ticklish areas? Will B0 be able to outwit on a helpless, piss-soaked hostage? And how how many times can our intrepid heroes fail to open a door? Strap into your body mold command chair, it's roleplaying time! Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Your parents have left you alone for the first time ever. You regain lucidity after a week-long bender of pizza and late night shows, only to decide to take the boat out and do some time travel. Will you be menaced by a pistol-wielding dwarf? Will you find out what kind of murder charge applies to accidentally drowning your best friend and your dog? Will you get really hyped for a plot line that ends up consisting entirely of missing a phone call from a DJ? Only one way to find out. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Why read a Choose Your Own Adventure book when you can live in one? This week we put those dusty books down, pick up a fistful of dice, and get down to some serious tabletop roleplaying! Vern and B0 are Lacoonian System Rapid Force special agents assigned to all cases concerning... the Evil Power Master. A cult of EPM worshipping crazies has just stolen a bunch of crystals from a Haemogian lab... but why? Will B0's soft, fleshy hands be able to squeeze out some answers? Will Vern find courage in the bewildering pages of his Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic? Will anyone get to the bottom of anything, or will they be too busy getting captured and blowing things up? This time, it's up to the dice. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

It's D&D novelization time again! You wake up in a vampire's bed, but not for the fun sexy reasons you were hoping for. This Strahd guy mostly wants to feed you chicken tenders and rub his teeth on your face. Escape is the only option. Will you be eaten by a pack of Air Bud sherrifs? Will you trip on a rug so hard you die? Will you find Strahd's legendary trove of grocery store wine? Whatever happens, one thing is clear: Tyr has abandoned you. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

The Earth's oil is gone! And this time, you're not the plucky precocious child genius who can get it all back! You're that child's brother, standing idly by while everyone else does the plot. Can you... follow your brother through an airport? Can you keep people from staring as he experiences prophetic visions? Can you at least not get stabbed to death by scuba divers? Tighten the leather straps, because you're about to feel the knowledge. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You're an officer of the Space Patrol! You have important peacekeeping duties, but all you can think about is chomping delicious sandwiches on some Venusian beach/hellscape. Will you contract a deadly virus that makes your insides painfully expand until you explode? Will your robot retaliate against you for all the lobotomies you've inflicted on it? Most importantly, will you finish watching Star Wars? Buckle up, because despite your best efforts, adventure is coming. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com