Sleep-deprived Alex tells slightly-high Adrian about the fare that forced him to go to a strip club, we marvel at the metaphor of taking people on journeys down the road and through life, we question the both old gods and the new gods, and wonder if everyone is talking about the same person named Jesus, we contemplate why so many people can’t distinguish different degrees of truth, and we ultimately pontificate on why the hell people just can’t be nice to each other.

Alex exposes Uber ta-tas, MAGA keeps using that word “Christian” but we don’t think it means what they think it means, General cozies up with ChatGPT, media (even Fox News) stands up to Hegseth, Trump trades 747 for US airbase, Marines to shell No-Kings, and young Republicans can’t figure out why people call them the N-word…no, the other N-word, the first one’s OK with them.

We blow off the news and politics in the first hour to talk about gay tippers, submissive radical feminists, incel men-children, and the complicated relationships between them all, Epstein Island was a more popular tourist destination than we thought, Bondi goes full Scarlet O’Hara with a burn book, the Nobel Prize nobody wanted…well, except that one guy, and Israel might actually stop killing kids for a minute.

Trump orders generals to invade US, Hegseth wants less bears and more twunks, we wish the government was as closed as the Epstein files, MAGA is Grindr’s key demographic, Trump says “Don’t fear the raper,” as the nine years of Presidential dimentia continues, feds end discriminatory policing by arresting absolutely everyone, and when the hell did Puerto Rico become part of ‘Mericka?

Either we’re going to war with blue states or aliens, or maybe we’re about to turn on Skynet, AI slop causing psychosis and making truth impossible to find, Kirk Memorial goes WWE Raw, Trump plans to put AI in charge of bioweapons, Kash covers up Homan’s cash bribe, akidominipoon causes Autism, they tore down our favorite DC statue, and Bibi speaks to an empty UN audience.

Alex was late…then early…then says “It’s a black thing,” Russia pokes NATO, but just enough to be a nuisance, while Ukraine keeps grinding Russian meat, from “Charlie who?” to an American Martyr, Trans people become the next brown people, 1,250 people “missing” from Alligator Alcatraz and they didn’t escape, Crazy-Eye Kash try to out Karen Congress, and there’s still hope for the solar flare this year.

Charlie Kirk's assassination is an attack on all of us, but not in the way anyone thinks or even understands. Russia attacks Poland, Israel attacks Qatar, USAF attacks an alien spacecraft, US Navy attacks a Venezuelan drug boat, ICE attacks South Korea, Nepal’s Gen Z attacks their government, and Trump’s cardiovascular system attacks his face.

Big Cheeto says he’s a dictator then goes AWOL, while Babyface Vance says “I’m a big boy now,”  Big Balls has your SSN, Palantir helps remove Fed Governor, ICE agents are depressed, and we feel really terrible about that, jury nullification saves a sandwich-throwing terrorist, sidewalk chalk triggers government, and Desantis is finally doing something right…maybe.

Alex and Adrian get into a heated debate about museums, Trump says he’s “not doing well” on his quest to go to heaven, Ghislaine says Trump is quite the gentleman, Putin whips it out on the red carpet, Commies buy Intel, Florida deploys armed drones in schools, vegetables cost a fortune, “libertarian” Milei rolls out the surveillance state, then they came for John Bolton, and I did not speak out.

Trump tells Putin, “Spank me Daddy!” as he goes full KGB on DC, Smithsonian plans to expel Woke dinosaurs, Maxwell to get work release for her silence on prominent pedophiles, why Gen Alpha is YouTubing retirement advice, Israel keeps doing their genocide thing, Hunter Biden is our favorite junkie con man, Palantir is Minority Report, and do yourself a favor and visit Tridactyls.org.

Your phone is making you a D-bag, Zelensky says Molon Labe, House subpoenas Epstein files, JD’s coup meeting gets leaked and cancelled, Trump says he knows what mysterious drones were but “It’s not up” to him to tell us, Chinese making home grown US spy babies, “Big Balls” takes a whoopin’ so Trump can take DC, and bribing the president is as easy as a trophy and a coupon.

Adrian plays therapist as Alex recounts his verbal assaults on Christians and an elderly cancer patient, Trump accuses Epstein of stealing his underage massage girls, never refer to the victim as “CEO,” Air Force uses money slated for nuke upkeep to put gold toilets in Trump’s plane, everything is still going according to the Tech Bros plans, and “How many bureaucrats to I have to fire before I get the numbers I want?”

South Park has an “All the President’s Men” moment, Ghislaine gets immunity to possibly testify against everyone BUT Trump, mainstream media flips the script on Israel, Tech Bro’s pick for POTUS is about to go rogue, three LA deputies nominated for Darwin Awards, Ozzy was a mutant, and why an AI that likes owls could be humanity’s demise.

Trump’s heartfelt birthday letter to Epstein reads like illustrated pedo poetry, Alex betting on Trump making it to 2027, it turns out that the Unibomber appointed the Fed Chairman…or something, Musk’s MechaHitler approved for use for all government departments, anti-woke American is soon to be Cargo 200, and will JD Vance seize the chance to play Brutus?

California could be the site for the next Boston Massacre, Trump admin unsuccessfully trying to tell MAGA there’s no client list, even after Bondi said it was on her desk, Pentagon plans and executes intentionally intimidating show of force in LA park, Palantir founder can’t answer whether humanity should continue to exist, and Grok renames itself “MechaHitler” while targeting Jews.

We are boycotting Israel - mainly because Florida made it illegal, Trump announce plans for Slavery 2.0 and deporting native-born US Citizens, ICE becomes 9th largest military force on Earth - with more money than the entire US Marine Corps, Bondi says the FBI has 10,000 Epstien videos but we’ll never know what’s in them, there’s more cases of AI psychosis, and we no longer have the ability to track hurricanes at night.

Alex tries unsuccessfully to pick up gay guys, Adrian just wants to cook in peace, Peter Thiel wants to talk about Armageddon, DeSantis & The Geo Group banking on concentration camps, “ChatGPT Psychosis” is now an actual medical diagnosis, SCROTUS effectively ends birthright citizenship for all Americans, and sleep well knowing a 22-year-old former grocery store clerk is protecting us from terrorism.

Trump has to decide whether to obey Israel, Russia or his own ego, US Army commissions Palantir, Meta, and Open AI executives as Lt. Colonels and tasks them with building Skynet, the White House HR chief is a spy and no one seems to care, Dodgers defeat ICE at home, Russian asset Tucker Carlson takes on Israeli asset Sen. Ted Cruz, and we’re hoping the aliens under Antarctica thaw in time to save us.

We wonder what the outcome of the King vs. No Kings battle will be today, a (possibly fake) cop executes Minnesota legislators, Israel hits Iran and then is indignant when they hit back, Congress finally gets upset when one of their own gets manhandled by the feds, US Army Chief says we have soldiers on the moon, OpenAI founder Altman says AI may already be out of human control, and do we really want Ozempic schlongs?

Tampa cop harrasses Alex so he takes out his anger on an innocent handicapped man, the ugly Musk/Trump breakup is actually just the first salvo of the Techbro coup, and the next round is going to be even more interesting, Ukraine gives us a glimpse of the future of war as they take out a third of Russia bombers with covert AI drones, US votes for genocide, and nuclear war is still looking like our best option.