What does it mean to get what I want?
These are my notes and reflections on "Understanding Trauma", session 1 of Returning to Wholeness: A Guide to Understanding and Integrating Trauma, a 12-Lesson online course with Gabor Mate.
Desire inventory is a practice where one starts a timer for a certain amount of time (10 minutes for example). Once the timer is started one writes one's desires one at a time. I prefer to write it in this format "I desire [INSERT] because I want to feel [INSERT]. One keeps on going until the timer goes off at the end. Optionally one can write at the end "Dear God I wish to have these desires met or desire what I get if they will be for my higher good".
Part 5 of a series where I read the book "An Immanent Metaphysics" written by Forrest Landry and share with you my thoughts and reflections as I read and link it to whatever else I'm reading, thinking, or experiencing in my life at that moment. In a way, I'm taking you along on with me on my learning journey of the text.
Part 4 of a series where I read the book "An Immanent Metaphysics" written by Forrest Landry and share with you my thoughts and reflections as I read and link it to whatever else I'm reading, thinking, or experiencing in my life at that moment. In a way, I'm taking you along on with me on my learning journey of the text.
Reading an entry from my desires journal dated 2 January 2016.
ľm grateful for the immanent
perceiver perceiving the perceived as is
ungarnished by story, meaning, purpose
innate & cognate
precedes cognitive & conative
pain is not suffering
when the steak makes me salivate
not the sizzle of hot media's bling bling
native beauty of the felt sense
fuzzy rich unyielding
pleasure when it clicks
inside deep
mysterious
always new
ha! a-ha! hahaha
laughter the child of surprise
a sudden turn
the ground spins beneath my feet
I hold on
optimal grip on what is real
realtime processing
affordances of my unwelt
smell of freshly toasted
spelt bread
over which newly churned butter melts
before the neurogenesis of photons
inside the mind's eye
l chop wood
for our drumming circle's bonfire
after glow of awakening
I chop vanities
to throw in the funeral pyre
chasing tail
purity of touch
me not
for I have not shed
the idols of simulacrum
lycra of inactive wear
and tear, tear under my tongue
it goes & she goes
to feel the lump in my throat
unease, discomfort
simply listen with no
explanation to glisten
no priest to Christen
the simplicity of sensing
not making sense
from the embodied richness
whence this Luciferic
mischief seeks recompense.
I'm grateful for the unfolding
realities happen in the rightness
of their times
layers of becoming slowly exposed
at each revealing
striptease of being
truth is to uncover
recover
what's beneath surfaces
bubbling of what lies underneath
surfacing of hidden skeletal
details patterns of forms
she holds my tiny hand
as the other trace spirals
in the sand
sound of waves
announcing the receding tide
the moon pulls from the other side
absence of her reflected light
reveals flickering of long-lived stars
the arresting red hues of fungi
borne of mycelia running unseen
unwitnessed in their tending
the soil of possibilities
trampled by busybodies
bumping like predictable billiard balls
steam trains on the track
stations create a common time
bound by Bundy Clocks
tick tick tock tick tick tock
life in sync with optimising chron jobs
in misty clouds of silica guarded by guns
dot one's tongue
escape the logic
dig for the magic
reduction of absurdities
reconnect with the chaos
of turning
as we enter the age of air
unstable breezes from the hot desert lands
prophecies intercede on one's behalf
dry souls are best
suited for the culling
jihad for M'uad Dib
to see futures is a curse for living in the now
blind one's eyes
there's no escape from the tragedy of fate
the more I exercise freedoms
the more destined I am supposedly
listen to the secrets whispered under the rose
as I lick poison on fingertips jabbed
with blood a most special kind of juice
for fools, civil society has no use
to walk the unmapped paths
the bliss of choice in uncertainty
evolution borne of mistakes
in replicating what has been
unfaithful copying
creates danger, creates possibilities
creative destruction destructive creation
this body is not me
yet it materiality remains a mystery
matter is truly dark
dust the original sin of rebelling.
I'm grateful for touch
a felt sense of human warmth
palms, forearms, elbows
glide through my aromatic oiled body
letting go with each out-breath
opening inviting in the other
to come in feel their way through
the body electric
push through soften dissipate
accretions of past hurt intense encounters
of the unwelcome kind
unexpected sudden slamming against
the unbending will of the real
there is healing
in this wading through coming in
listening to what the body
is saying
parallel bio networks of entelechy
a push here reflects a pull there
acausal synchronous
they happen together
not because of but with
bearing the weight of squares, oppositions
conjunctions of celestial spheres
enjoying the ease of their sextiles trines
aspects of the heavens reflected in the mundane
I'm a descendant of my natal map's ascendant
as above so below
as inside so outside
how I do one thing is how I do everything
be cautious with the magic
each of us holds in our bodies
in our hands, in our minds,
in the tiny unseen things that surround us
without which we are not.
I'm grateful for double binds
intractable, unsolvable, irreducible
the poverty of context deprecates
slip knot of Athens' pesky gnat
nibbles at the adjacent possible
dialogue is prologue
to knowing
who am I
who you are us two
us them, the bigger we
no one's special
each one ordinary
yet all take part in
super complex realities
worlds of magic
in the dreaming
soaked
in our bones
living the thing is believing
see for yourself know for yourself
creation's experiment
fully stacked, with a spiral movement
subluxation releases, relaxes
the integral embrace the dismal
futomomo restraint of higher-order love
archaic revival of the modern
flick the switch of postmodern critique
to go beyond is the Cathar's bond
give my solemn word
descent of sharp fiery sword
systems learning to live within
systems of systems of systems
in paradox
no other way to be but heterodox
feel the base
the drumbeat
heartbeat
rhythmic swings
seasons a time for everything
not to do is a doing
doing is a seeing
seeing is to change things
the warmth of hands
as I cry my heart out
frustrated masculine agency
nurtured by feminine generosity
flight of dragons
a coven of the reborn.
I'm grateful for the liminal
not quite there yet but on the way
terse interstices
undisciplined discipline
crayons crossing lines
Iitany of fear
feel to steer
stir the pot
spot stripes in savannah
keep walking though I don't wanna
in nook of crevasse
rebirths man child
ego dissolves in the vast
plant medicine never mild
viruses burrow in
replicate with the intricate
grok that which has never been
beautiful whispers of the delicate
matins, vespers
doubt catalyses trust
in prayer.
I'm grateful for focus
to notice one's noticing
watch the watcher
spritz the spritzer
one zeroed in
binary thinking
where's the linking?
scratch the inkling
catch the winking
metanoia of metamoderna
derivé of the derivative
tournament of detournement
how far is the fetched?
pester the spectacle
society of shiny
too eager to tear down
Chesterton's fence
amnesia of wisdom
out of sequence
thirsty for tradition
we've lost our way
time to drop the props
feel the real
tearfully tear fully
from fentanyl's belly
calm the fury
festooned hyperstimuli
unwrap the rap sheet
drop the bullshit
escape the dreamstate
surveillance state
buy back shares of deep inc.
unbrand our skins' ink
what the squack?
who's got our back
my brother my sister
let's not squander
this life full of wonder
be total
move the dial
no more denial.
I'm grateful for discernment
to pick one from the many
the magpie who sings knows
which to peck on from multitudes
hiding in the rich soil
grass, pebbles, sticks, dried leaves
petals, cap, gills, annulus, stalk
the rooster knows when to crow
leaves when to grow, wither, and fall
panther eats enough not much more
each kill with grace and elegance
her movements art
poetry in motion
in shock prey who survive
shake off freeze and flight
resets
unshackles
free to live another day in the wild
nothing left but a curiosity, innocence of child
amphipathic phospholipids know
which molecules of water to love, which to fear
a Bene Gesserit transmutes poison
with the Voice have you in her tow
she senses truth like a fine tooth comb
weirding way with her bare hands you she can entomb
to honour mind, body, relationships, environment
with utmost care
presence,attention is the path
meaningful desire
aspiration, live at the zenith
actualised potential, potentialised actual
atonement at one moment at one meant
the whole story happens at every moment.
I'm grateful for silent soliloquy
mind traverse used, disowned, alternative futures
that which aligns with survival
change that is social, glacial, at times inimical
what uses have we for these
cosmos honours not our tenure
to be in flow with what changes
that is what endures
step into the river
one cannot twice
not even once
the one who steps is changing
the river is changing
change is changing
the entangled, the entanglement, entangled-ness itself
a constant in the instant
reverberates, gyrates, a swish-swish in the bushes
a hiding, feeling, sensing not shapes with corners
but waves, curves, the softness of my woman's caress
when I am not, everything is
she sits on me
our hearts touching
we breathe when I'm out she's in
when I'm in she's out
up and down, down and up
her breasts my groin
my heart her womb
circles that spiral
up to heaven's delight
nothing taken that is not given
nothing given that is not earned
she fully relaxes in wild safety
of my caresses
revelation, revelry in restedness
spaciousness of interacting
no you no I but a brief sigh
together always everywhere nowhere
here and there
in silence
eyes speak volumes
every nook and cranny of bodies relating
scent of honeysuckle
succulent sweet tickle
by the fire that burns hot brightly
we shared stories, jokes, random facts, songs
we reconnect with our ancestors in this land
vast, wide, a valley of special secrets
revealed to those who pause, listen, feel
with gratitude, respect for abundance
drum beats in our hearts they who came before
whispers that we need at each moment
not before, not after, without any superfluous comment
levels of you and I
kin, kindred, city, village, town & country
we commune
as one, a sacred bond with life
that abounds, abides, becomes.
I'm grateful for the rational
that which enhances survival
neocortex makes their case, grovels
to basal ganglia who colanders
overwhelmed by immediacy
can blind to orders up from secondary
to bind with practice
allows one to see, know, be, beyond
train to be with the strain
use pain for antifragile gain
face the elephant in the brain
to fool one's self is the easiest
sugar, caffeine, likes, retweets, follows
too easy to reciprocally narrow
with the hollow
break patterns that addict
slow down hyperstimuli of the quick
unchain from command control
flow, grow with the volatile
learn from each stochastic roll
contain failures, damage in a locale
fast & furious in time 'comes spurious
in close dynamic contact
with what's around, with what surrounds
vivification of the salubrious
niche changes us we change niche
chambered nautilus
of fractalised functions
blessed tensegrity of contrapuntal unity
integrity of diversity
coherence, deterrence in difference
divide what multiplies
subtract the superfluous
concatenate the fortunate
chicken broth of life-affirming growth.
I'm grateful for the irreducible
crucible of parts congenially congealed
there is much more in the concatenated whole
information, the entropy of communication
Maxwell's demon cannot know it all
where in a flower can beauty be?
dissected spiracle, thorax, mandible excised
uncompounded five eyes squandered miracle
de-tangled amegilla cingulata cannot bee
taste of salt is everywhere in the sea
lives I live never fully contained
in my CV just fleeting triviality
epistemological humility is key
not to doors but perhaps portals to more
spirals, intricacies, patterns
that hold, not losing the zing in zooming
in or out details abound
only the complicated can be predicted
fat tails dominate in life incarnate
keep one's ears close to the ground
sophrosyne in the mode of the local
classes are not instances
be wary filter out noise of the global
stitch the brain's each hemisphere
be functional in the bimodal
truth in the triumvirate
lizard, monkey, sapiens
faber, ludens, a cadence
making play, playmaking, playing with making
Leyden jar, pot of clay
to spend, invest in fruitless experiments
the only way for evolution to hold sway
in monotony, we'll all be slayed
be bold, be brave in the organic
cautious of hubris in simulacra of the ludic
the grasses, the horses conjugal in their own way
to survive is to be alive
honouring holographic holons
be well-versed with the hor d'oeuvres
of the universe
the magnum opus of opulence is to be
generous with one's silence.
I'm grateful for human alchemy
enraptured epistemologies
stochastic, probabilistic, ontic
young & wild reasoned child
now through a looking glass
recursive reflections
knowing in part
the fullness of perfection pulls
forked at each branching of being
drink the witches' brew
rich, bitter, melodic, painful
fear I must let it pass through
only a human can endure
sacrifice present for future
salicylic skinning of surrender
peeling layer by layer
preferences revealed
trade-offs in market
exchange changes
keep keeping on playing the ultimate game
cancelled taken out of play absorbed
strong non-ergodic death of fame
some risks never to take
temporal not ditto the spatial
sequence matters over time
I lick, I shoot before I suck
on the lime
irreversible irredeemable
each moment happens but once
what to make of happenstance?
each wound, each heartache, each joy, ecstasy
assimilated over time
scars become who I am
rings in a tree's trunk
licentious lotus born in the muck
to weigh what will happen
rests on my continuity
not with others' symmetry
perpetual paradox of poetry
antidote to deadly artificiality
find, express one's voice
love is that which enables choice.
I'm grateful for boundaries
walking the tightrope
of satisfaction & wanting more
mastery & frustration
dynamic demarcations
of yes's and no's
a perennial perhaps
curious tongue
savouring umami of unknowns
bittersweet defeats
salty surrender
souring sympathies
spicy speculations
to feel what's alive in the other
gracious respect with their no's
thankfully taking what is given
in fullness of desire
the taker devours for their pleasure
the taken delights in equal measure
utmost joy
to penetrate
be penetrated
seen like never before
a becoming as one walks the line
proleptic reasoning
an earnest enquiry
amidst paucity of light
feeling muddling through
the one who wants
changes the wants one wants
as one gropes in the darkness
of having that which vaguely
draws out one's self
beyond one's shrinking skin
to emerge different
symbol emulated by its referent
boisterous bowers built
to please her satin passerine
yearning to be chosen
be Iet in through her barricades
allowed to lift the Empress's brocade
the greatest reward
for freedom to fail
repeatedly time after time
wrestled down by that which
is always greater
one becomes stronger
better wiser
to move through the immovable
beyond logic
boundaries bend to the beholden.
I'm grateful for dissolution
disillusion deconstruction
to fray tapestry at the edges
unravel untangle rip to shreds
a pretext, a context
for a reweaving, a rebirth
willful warp & woof
find in the rubble
of sacked temples
cornerstones, key pieces,
salutary structures
rebuild brick by brick
perhaps build anew
a never been
weathered rocks
cobbled together with distinct sheen
who am I
without a name tag
postcode, phone, bank card
social dilemma profile?
perish pestering personas
unmask the singer
identities nothing but
dents of l
entities, parasites to
body immortal
nay a repository of morals
deidentify the political
defy capital
in the gaps, in the void
the in-between
find spaces of healing
from the derelict
comes the messianic
those in swell
got no need to rebel.
I'm grateful for the gestalt
total from particulars
knowing at once
instinctual
photons array beams of light
impressive images emerge
from pointillist marks
some Higgs Bosons, a few quarks
to keep you off track
what do you see?
an old hag
or a fancy young lady?
a glass from Chablis
or faces about to kiss?
holographic holons
more is different
symbol exceeds referent
beyond eyes that see
ears that hear
tongue that tastes
skin that takes textures, temperature
fascial proprioception
otolith pebbles eerie gyroscope of motion
an agglomeration of comfort
a felt sense the animal is safe
optimal grip on affordances of umwelt
complexity at its finest
pounce thrust ricochet as reptile
cuddle softly stroke lick in the limbic
spinifex of text complicated complex
checksum of the neocortex
systems within systems within systems
sense the shapes not just measure
topology of ontology
metaphysics of physics
alchemy of chemistry
talk in riddle & rhyme
as Ophelia mad in love
flowery flow forever
one cannot push against the river
all in all, is all we all are.