Is there a better way to celebrate the 60th Anniversary of Doctor Who than by ignoring it completely and talking over the 10th Anniversary of Doctor Who? Nope, didn't think so.

It’s snow joke when the Doctor faces off against Hissing Sid. ICE. It’s white, it’s slippery, you can skate on it and make beautiful sculptures out of it. It’s cool. But what they don’t tell you is that it makes you paranoid and convinces you that you’re living in the time of Oliver Cromwell. Worst of all….aliens live in it! They live in it forever and ever and ever until you let them out. But you mustn’t let them out because the giant green monsters will kill you and then conquer the world! Beware! Beware the ice! Beware The Ice! BEWARE THE IIIIIIICE! (ahem) Just think carefully the next time you want a glass of lemonade.

Some monks living on a hill are being terrorised by some giant furry things that may or may not be yeti. A mad explorer tries to get them to eat the Doctor (the yeti, not the monks) but they’re not interested because they’ve been trained by someone invisible who sounds like a pervert. The Doctor realises that the yeti’s one weakness is their balls. A sure fire way to incapacitate the male of any species; No wonder they feel abominable.

The Doctor does his best Lara Croft impersonation when some maths teachers try to take over what looks like an intergalactic ice cream factory. But it all comes down to the wires when the factory boss has a quarrel with the Hulk’s thinner, less chatty cousin and is ultimately defeated by a closed door (this happens a lot so clearly they’re more used to open-plan architecture). The guy in charge of the budget must have been so relieved when he saw designs for this story’s spaceship. And who decided to name one of the villains after an item of clothing? Still, could’ve been worse, she could have been called Duffle Coat……or Thong. Lucky escape.

Somebody’s half-inched the TARDIS!! A tramp makes a train set out of pepperpots, the daleks are experimenting with a new diet plan for Human beings and a man in a skirt is in for a spot of male bonding with a giant Turk. All this and there’s also a big nobbly thing with a megaphone and the most fearsome beard in history doing something dastardly with mirrors. And yet despite it all, the Doctor and Jamie go for a date at a café and pose for photographs. Like they’re not even bothered. And who the Hell is Left-Handed Kenneth?

The Doctor with a thousand ____s ____s overwhelming odds when he ____s-off against the ____less ones who put on a brave ____, even though they have to ____ the truth that they won’t be able to save ____. So the two-____d time lord goes ____ to ____ against a man without a ____ (which is quite tricky to do) but he doesn’t realise that his companions have ____d their fears one too many times and now have to ____ the fact that they can’t ____ it any longer and must get out of his ____. So while everyone runs about trying not to fall flat on their ___s, the Doctor tries giving the ____less ones a blank look. But they’ve already got one.

After a French chauffeur lets one off in the Gizmos head office, it’s no longer fit for human habitation so they all have to find other work. Roz tries her hand at marathon running, plumbing and truck driving and, as expected, at least two people snuff it. Ed tries babysitting but the pre-teens all sneer at his lack of computer skills so he puts on a bathrobe and takes a job slapping inner city gym instructors for a paying audience. Beckett goes back to his roots and starts investigating strange goings on. What was so bad about a man that literally no-one notices when he’s blown up in-front of his colleagues? Why have two criminal brothers bought up all the paint and dye in London so that the whole city can only dress or build things in red and blue? and why is the mother of a kidnapped child only concerned that she’s not eating enough greens? He has to cut his investigations short though because someone gave Son of Kong a bazooka and some dinosaur biscuits and the sugar rush has made him go out in to the car park to blow up trees. There’s only one solution for that…..Glue!

The listeners must relax and believe. Everything in the TimeVault is considered and correct. You must accept it without question. You must obey orders. The presenters of the TimeVault know what is best. In 54 minutes, when you stop listening, you will be given an opinion. You will be glad to agree. You will question nothing in the TimeVault There is no such thing as other podcasts! There are no other podcasts!! Other podcasts do not exist!!! THERE ARE NO OTHER PODCASTS!!!!!!!

During our forced isolation we've been watching a lot of Film and TV. Survivors, Outbreak, Contagion, Masque of Mandragora, Masque of the Red Death, Mask of Zorro, The Masked Singer, The Mask, Son of the Mask, Mask, M.A.S.K., The Man in the Iron Mask, The Man in the Iron Mask, The Man in the Iron Mask and err...oh yes, The Man in the Iron Mask But we couldn't face any more so we're back, whether you like it or not. Get used to it!

Ros has found her new calling…Road Rage Influencer; when she’s not goading violent henchman types into ramming elderly drivers in dark tunnels, she’s flying helicopters over public roads while shooting at vehicles transporting highly unstable explosive materials. It all comes back to haunt her though when she has a reaction to a bad salad. Ed meanwhile is in the most understaffed scientific research facility in the world, having to spend the whole weekend showing the worst security man ever how to wind a really big watch. He’s so keen to leave he willingly lets himself get captured by some dodgy types, tied to a chair surrounded by lasers and exploding liquid while he waits for a nasty phone call…. Oblivious to all of this, Beckett’s feeling pumped about finding a secluded spot to get crazy with a cute lab technician, unaware that she won’t do anything for less than ten million! It looks like he’ll have to cancel Gerhardt the Magician.

It’s all happening on the moon! Except it isn’t. The moon-base is staffed by the most normal, relaxed bunch of colleagues you’re ever likely to find in Doctor Who. It’s so relaxed that Ben stacks boxes, Polly waffles on about nail varnish and the doctor looks at shoes under a microscope. Ahh, lazy days….. But oh no! Scott has just head butted the moon and gets a bad case of the sweats when he starts hallucinating Billie Piper. He needs help but no one really appreciates the gravity of the situation until the many love children of Bender and Metal Mickey turn up with a plan to kill everyone on Earth by rotting the teeth of everyone on the moon…. No, I don’t know either. They’ve been hiding behind the breakfast cereals in the store room and i think they’ve having a sugar rush.

The man without a face doesn’t have a face but he does have a face and another face. The woman with an unmentionable job and questionable taste in music has her name and someone else’s name and keeps extra hair by her bed but not by her other bed. A pair of medium atomic weights have taken to squatting in someone else’s dingy, squalid little flat while they bicker about job satisfaction and look at the most miserable, depressing photographs they can find. The children’s division of the Oliver Twist Fan Club who want to poke people’s eyes out with umbrellas are just a distraction. What we’re here to talk about is what happens when the Blank Stare, the Big Hair and the Bickering Pair gather on the staircase to have a big ol’ barney in the middle of the night.

aka ‘Stop Piscine About’ The TARDIS crew go for a swim in their latest adventure when they discover the lost city of Atlantis! A mad mad scientist (that’s a mad scientist who’s then gone mad) with an equally mad accent has found the city and promised to raise it, but only he knows that to do it he must blow up the world! Ahahahahahaha!!! (see, i said he was mad). The Doctor tries to stop him by doing something educational with a cooking pot while Polly wanders around wearing whelks and mussels trying not to be turned in to a fish, and the boys? Well, they just prance around in tight fitting wetsuits for most of the story – clearly servicing the fetishist fantasies of the costume designer. There are big hats, big priests, dodgy disguises, dancing fish (which aren’t nearly as entertaining as they sound), a stereotypical Irishman, underwater filming without the water, one of the most clichéd cliff-hangers ever......and did I mention the mad scientist?

A politician with a penchant for gardening who likes chocolate bars and compulsive gigglers is a big man in the ‘underground alternative medicine’ scene. When he’s not lurking in the cellars of his restaurant chain, he surrounds himself with a lot of card players; his secretary likes playing solitaire while his public relations advisor prefers snap. When Bond turns up and convinces one of them to switch to Happy Families, chaos ensues. After he has a little quarrel with his unexpected wife because she forgot her mongoose and doesn’t like playing darts, he picks a fight with an army of black russians who chase him all over the place until he gives their magic slave back. He does this and then his new sex-mad girlfriend goes country dancing in zombie land so that he can shut the local dancing skeleton in a box full of snakes and then saves the day by puncturing Kananga’s over inflated opinion of himself. Pop. Then he talks to his friend, Felix. Who can fix anything.

Och aye the Noo! Ye dinnae ken the trubbel ye coz when ye treps roon bonnie Scotland wi’out a kilt or haggis tae call yer ohn.... A toff falls down a hole in history while Polly and a Scottish bird prowl the moors at night looking to mug people. Ben does porridge with a man who plays the bagpipes and the Doctor collects hats while dressed as a washer woman!! As the Doctor hides from the English soldiers, Ben tries sneaking off to Barbados (looking for a cushy life, no doubt) but changes his mind and goes swimming. Polly and her Caledonian counterpart get fruity with the troops before moving on from late-night mugging to blackmail, then to arms smuggling and finally, to kidnapping. The Doctor brings the whole thing to a close by impersonating a German lawyer and incites a load of prisoners to riot! As the bodies pile up, Polly adopts the bagpipe man as a pet and they all make their getaway in the TARDIS. In the end, there can be only…oh no, that’s the wrong series. Damn! Damn! Damn!....oh no, so’s that!

How do you clean up Italian politics? You have two men on the go at the same time, while a third spirits you away for clandestine meetings where a man who can’t speak shoots imaginary teddy bears that look like you before going for a nighttime swim, then you have a secret wedding and invite spies who can’t sew to fight over who gets to watch it in the most spyish way. And although you forget to invite one spy who gatecrashes the wedding and causes the musician to get shot, you flash your most winning smile and everything ends up smelling like roses. You don’t invite Sharon and Sharon though; they’re too busy testing Uncle Dave’s suspension by banging away in the back of his new car. Ed can’t go because he’s getting all greased up with The Bimbo’s From Hell. Ros can’t go because she’s taken up plumbing and is having to sort out the mistakes made by the new girls when they put in some taps. Beckett might be able to make it. It all depends if he gets to ask a very VERY important question at exactly the right time.

Power Napping, Power Walking, Power Talking. Power Houses, Power Stations, Power Plants and Power Rangers. Wind Power, Wave Power, Solar Power and Battery Power. Steam Power, Flower Power, Super Power and Turtle Power. Executive Powers, Mental Powers, Higher Powers and Austin Powers The Power of Love, The Power of Christ, The Power of Greyskull. The Power of Positive Thinking and the POW-wer of the Dark Side. All powers everywhere…yes, even P-P-P-Puppy Power….pale into insignificance, overpowered you might say, by the Power of the Daleks!!!! Just remember to turn them off at the wall when you’re not using them.

Tegan’s keen to upgrade her driving licence. She’s already gone from car to ambulance and now she’s making the leap to time and space machine, but the engine’s over-heated and she’s got all hot and bothered. She needs to relax with a bit of indoor graffiti but she’s not quite at Banksy’s level yet. The Doctor’s had a nasty fall and he now thinks the TARDIS needs one hell of a clear-out. Unfortunately, he also thinks the best way to do this is to wander the corridors putting on silly voices and taking his clothes off. This scars Nyssa’s innocent teenage mind and the only way she can cope with things is to build coffins, throw wheelchairs into rivers and have secret meetings with her boyfriend in strange hotel rooms. The Master hopes they can all get past these problems because he’s reserved a table for them at his new cliff-top restaurant. There’s only one thing on the menu, a plan sandwich; a steak of the biggest, nastiest, most evil plan ever devised wrapped between two slices of lightly smoked plan. And if that wasn’t evil enough, he’s only gone and stuck a stick of celery on top. Bastard.

Your estranged wife just caught you exchanging fluids with your ex-girlfriend so she shot at you. Your ex-girlfriend’s not even interested, she only came round to borrow a cup of milk. But before you know it she’s moved in and your jealous butler’s tried to start a bitch fight. You decide to avoid it all and spend the rest of the day in bed but your friends creep in while you’re asleep and cut your arm off. Out of sympathy a three-armed woman from another dimension cuts off one of hers and you try to seduce her by pretending to be yourself. Doesn’t work. It’s going to be one of those days

Your open-air mime rehearsal doesn’t go so well when your only audience member leaves for the countryside and the company of corpses. Naturally, you take your mind off it by looking for an invisible house in the sky but somehow you end up punching a duck. Confused, you decide to go to dinner with the most unlikely couple in all of time who are far more adept at the whole ‘trapped in a box’ thing than you ever could be. He’s a masochistic voyeur who doesn’t like to peep, She’s pillow phobic and talks to walls and their son is a creepy, badly dressed weirdo who hears voices and has THE worst handshake. But you’ve been brought up to be polite so you ignore the family pet (which appears to be a butcher’s off-cut that lives in the skirting board) and sit down to dinner. Just don’t eat the lamb. You don’t want to know where it’s been.